The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

Hey jam woohoo back!!! I love cow time:) Ladeeda, I'm kinda glad to hear your new job won't be live in, but stressful just as well! They are sooooo lucky to have you! Seemer, she is lucky to have you to. Do you find that you gt just as wet as her. Love yuou guys! The new ones too. I will evebtually learn your names and stories.

Hey, Got the shower done and sat outside for awhile in the shade on the front porch. She makes it such an ordeal when it needn't be. If I can get her hair done and eyebrow on, I will have accomplished a great feat for one day. Jam, my mom used to take a shower at night, put all her make-up on and then go to bed. That way if she died in the middle of the night, she looked GOOD and her eyebrows were on. Maybe col feels the same way. Now mom is in one of her 50 skirts, 30 of which are various patterns of black and white, and she is feeling good. Amen.

Now, If I could just get her in the shower today and wash her hair ! I know she would feel so much better, she always says she does, but it is the getting it started that she dreads.

I second that !!!!

seemeride - im happy to hear she has no cancer . thank you jesus !

Well, Doctor called. Mom has diverticulitis throughout the colon. No surprise, I saw that myself. CVan't find the fistula, OK, I expected that. NO CANCER !! Because of the high risk of deadly sepsis infections in bladder and kidneys, not to mention any other UTI, he wants us to go to a Vaginal Surgeon at Duke Hospital just to see what they have to say and what the options are. And a sattelite hospital is in Raleigh instead of Durham, so that cuts an hour off drive time. His office will make the appt. and Duke will send me forms and directions, so I imagine it will be in a couple of weeks at the EARLIEST. He is concerned also about quality of health if this continues, and mom wants out of Depends, so.......
Thanks for your concern and prayers, I had feared cancer all this time.......

ASG, yes, your OCD partner here....except I count.....hey, it keeps me busy.... want to know how many towels I folded yesterday in one load? I'm your girl. How many dishes I took out of the dishwasher? I KNOW I'm nuts !!! no doubts at all !!HAHAHA

My hubby was in the AF for 23 years, and we always moved a couple of times at each base, so I got good at that moving thing. We moved our entire household in one day when we moved into this house....just the 2 of us. We married in Illinois...he was stationed in Delaware at the time. Lived in 4 different places. Then went to Colorado Spgs, lived in 2 places. Went to Germany for 3 years....
did a little traveling...Venice, Vienna (Where hubby was born), Paris, Athens, French Riviera, waved at Monaco. Transferred to NC, then Phoenix, back to NC where Hubby was in SC and traveled back and forth on weekends. He has been to Vietnam, TDY back there for the pull-out, Korea, Desert Storm in UAE - Dubai - Spain, Turkey, Egypt. We retired in NC because the people are so friendly, and the city and base get along so well together. Never been to another place like it. I have stories of kindnesses that would make you cry. Must get going for now....

I'm going to try and get out again today in between laundry and that "other thing" I'm doing and get the weeds pulled around the peas. My beans aren't doing so well. I tried to germinate some in peat but when I planted them they have not sprouted whatsoever; the seeds I just stuck in the ground did, so I think I will go put more in the ground....late crop but who cares if they grow and I don't get them until Sept.

Maybe you should "hire" Millie to come and give you a break occasionally....:)

Got ladeeda off to work.....can't wait to hear about her first day.....makes her sound like she's off to her first day of school....:) Time for laundry now.........

Love and Hugz,
Jam

Tuff, our old relatives (very often), they are very selfish. When I fall asleep on the couch close to my mother she wakes me up one thousand times to ask me to do something. She does not realize any more how tired I am and how much I need to sleep.
I think you need more spare time for yourself. As you are a nurse, couldn't you think of working more nights out? 1) While you work, you have a social life different from your mother 2) maybe you can save some money to have one day off, every now and then. I work, and my work helps me to have some freedom and sometimes (not very often!) the money to go away 1 or 2 days! It recharges your batteries.

I slept pretty well last night, but I must say I did not answer every call. By this morning mom was so into her dreams, she didn't know my name. She said "Millie" wouldn't asnwer her. OK.. Then I tolds her my name is Sue, so that got me off the hook.

Yesterday morning she woke up from a nap mad as hell. My neighbor's sil, of all people. Haven't seen her since Easter. Mom is convinced I am tired all the time cause I stay up reading my kindle.....I wish. So this poor woman told her I would sleep better if mom didn't keep waking me up all night. Never happened. But mom will let her hold it when she sees her again !!!

Went outside to get my crop of snow peas. No rabbit in sight. Vinegar must be working. Paid real close attention to the bees, letting them do their thing. Reaching over green beans to get to snow peas and a baby rabbit runs out right next to me !!! Did I ever look stupid out there !!! It was hiding in the green beans right by my foot !! Had to go back in and change my drawers. Please don't turn me in to PETA or Humane Society or even SPCA. I only chase them with a stick.....not a shotgun !! And the saga continues.......

bp.....we've all let the F-bomb slip out occasionally. So don't beat yourself up over it.
I hope things go well with mom's surgery. Let us know how it turns out and how you're doing.

Love and Hugz,
Jam

tuff......my heart goes out to you and the responsibilities you now have to shoulder yourself, I know, seem so heavy to carry. I am sorry for the loss of your Dad and then your husband, especially so close together. And then to be a care giver as your career! Everyone expects us to be the "pillar" but sometimes we just can't go any further. Your mother sounds like my mil. She thinks she has to go everywhere we go and it just isn't possible anymore. She is starting to get unsteady on her feet but can still be left alone. Watching her walk through a grocery store is just an exercise in frustration. In her mind, she is just as capable of doing anything now that she could 50 yrs ago and telling her she cannot because "you might harm yourself" etc is a little like whistling in the wind. We are also expected to entertain her during the day. Her daughter passed away in 2008 and before she got too ill, she and her husband would pick up mil and take her shopping and out to eat, so mil can get really angry with us because we don't do the same thing. I have to laugh because their names were John and Marsha.....what is this a soap opera? And she will still sing the praises of her daughter and truth to tell, she wasn't a nice person.

Is there a way to sit mom at a window so she can see outside and that would allow you to get some time to yourself but still be within sight of mom? Maybe she would be more comfortable then and you would get some much needed "me time". Have you given some consideration to renting your mother's house instead of selling? That's what we have done with mil's house. We built her an extension onto our house 1 1/2 yrs ago, but she still had the monstrosity that she was living in. It needed a lot of repairs to just get it to a sellable point, so we made a low ball offer for rent, with the understanding that any upkeep was the tenant's responsibility and got someone in almost immediately and she has a little extra income now every month.

As ladeeda says, you are not alone, we're all in this together in one fashion or another, but all with common ground. We will listen anytime you feel the need to unload and let out your frustrations. Come back and visit and let us know how you are.

Love and Hugz,
Jam

Burned.....I looked up Ajo on the map and I see that it is a very small community in AZ. I'm sure your medical options are few. but it does sound like doctors don't know what is wrong with David. First you must have a diagnosis. I see that both Phoenix and Tuscon are each 2 hrs away from you. Are you Native American? or David? Can you get tribal help? I looked at the listing on the Chamber of Commerce website and saw it was very limited. Is there a Ajo government site to look at for Social Services? Pima County?

Please keep in touch. You need us and we can't forget about you. Keeping you in my prayers...........

Thanks for the shout out ASG!!! No more live in for ladee, only as a last resort. I really like the couple, like the daughter, and it was as if we had known each other for ages.. It, like all jobs, will have it's challenges. Maye their biggest challenge will be getting used to ME. but am very happy about this, feel more secure knowing I have a good salary and can possibly save a dime now..
So happy to see you here ASG, have been missing your posts and hearing how the Auntie is doing... And yes, Alz. patients do like to move furniture... Maybe you will catch on and let HER do it, not like you don't have enough to do already..... hugs to you girl, and did I see you got the Cow Patty... congrats to your OCD, see you won a prize... hugs to you...

tuff, first let me say how sorry I am for the loss of your husband. I can not imagine the load you are carrying. And not being able to grieve without outside demands makes it even harder.. I am just so sad for your situation...
One thing that I noticed about myself was that I am a "compulsive listener", and by that I mean I hear every word, every change in tone of voice, so I spend much of my time in absolute overload..haven't figured out yet why I do that, but I know if I could just tune some of it out, I wouldn't be hurt, defensive, and feeling like I was being possessed by an elder voice....I think as caregivers we train our brain to hear the things that may sound an alarm , for us to know something isn't right, but we also can not filter out the stuff that drive us insane... someone needs to come up with a course for caregivers that help us hear only the important stuff, like,,, hungry, bathroom, poop, drink, help, ect, and not hear the demanding, the selfish, the hurtful things.. And when our heart is broken on top of it all, we are just raw, can't think straight. My heart goes out to you. Know that we HEAR YOU and that you can come here any time day or night and someone will be here for you...I'm sure someone has been awakened for the "potty run" and may check in and see what is going on...
thank you for sharing your story and others will respond and help you carry your load..You are not alone. And sometimes just letting it out helps...
Maybe when you are not so overwhelmed, you can see if there are adult day cares in your area, or other resources available...I am hoping you get a break, some how, some way and soon. Please let us know how things are as I shared with BP, we are here for you, to listen, to let you know you are not alone... We've all been there in some shape, form or fashion. Please keep posting and letting us know how you are.. and again, I am so sorry for the loss of you husband.... hugs and prayers for you today....

BP, yep sometimes those things just come rolling out of our mouth.. we are tired, can't think straight, and we just get tired of someone trying to tell us how we think and feel. Guess it its better for an occasional F bomb to land than to have us running around in circles in our front yard and making even worse noise...you know, the blubbering and crying and sounding like we know a foreign language.....But I still hear the compassion for her fear. It's almost like we become two people, the one who cares and the one who want to run...You are doing a great job, and if the F bomb is the worst that happens then you are still on top of the game.. let us know how her surgery goes.... in my prayers today, both of you.. hugs across the miles.

It is almost 4:30 in the morning and I am not sleeping as you can see. I am probably not alone since it seems there are so many of us dealing with similar problems. I don't get much sleep because my mom calls me several times a night to help her get to bathroom. She uses a walker but is not supposed to walk unassisted due to several falls in past 3-4 yrs. My dad died June 2008 and she came to live with me and my husband then as she was not able to live alone. My husband was my total support caring for my mom, both physically and mentally, he kept me going. Well, my husband came down with a very rare bone marrow disease, had 2 bone marrow transplants and then I lost him just 9 mnths ago. Life is so difficult w/o him. I miss him terribly, am trying to deal with my grieving, but caring for my mom is just draining me physically and mentally. She was a wonderful mom when she was younger and more able, but she is not always pleasant now, she can say very hurtful things, etc. and like some of you mention I hear the same thing over and over each day, her opinions on everything, she defends her younger daughter who is 50 yrs old but who lives in another state,(only 150 miles away) and this daughter has not lifted a finger in any way since our dad died. I give my mom excellent care, she is kept clean, well fed, taken to all dr appts, I am not supposed to leave her home by herself b/c of the falling history. It is getting harder to get her out into wheelchair and car if I need to go anywhere. But mom expects me to take her everywhere, does not want me to go out with my children or friens, she wants my undivided attn 100 % of the time. Like some of you, I get annoyed and at times resent her demands, then I feel guilty, it is just such an unsatisfying job! I am a nurse and work 1-2 nights a week and I have a sitter for her those nights who is absolutely wonderful. But I would like to be outside on my deck, or in the yard planting a few flowers, talking or visiting with a neighbor, etc but my mom wants to know,"what are you doing out there, you are never inside, it is too hot out there", she will call me from house phone on my cell to tell me she has to go to bathroom, every 30-45 minutes. If I am inside it is strange that she doesn't have to go but maybe every 1-3 hours! My children work and they do come to see their gma but they are not able to be here constantly and she is wondering where they are, what they are doing, she thinks we all have nothing to do but entertain her. She thinks I am not fun because I am washing clothes, cooking for her, cleaning up after her, get no sleep, and she says it is my own fault that I don't get any rest! I am sure a lot of you are nodding your head and saying that is the same thing I am going thru. Well I don't have the answers, we live ok but my mom doesn't have any money to help pay her way, and is unable to get any assistance financially, so I am paying most of our expenses and extra b/c she has a lot of medical needs, adult diapers, etc and she has to pay taxes, ins, utilities on a very modest house which is for sale but in this area, real estate is not selling well, and she owes a fairly lg amt on an equity line which she and my dad used earlier. So again her soc sec. check barely covers her bills. I love my mom dearly but this is such a stressful job and I would like to be able to "breathe" a little on my own but it is not to be for now. I feel guilty b/c if I should lose her I would be sad and would miss her so much, but where is there some moderation in this type of caregiving job. I had helped with my dad when he was sick and had health problems, then my precious husband and "love of my life" became very sick. BUT, my dad nor my husband were hard to care for, they were the joy in my life, they were considerate and thoughtful even tho they were not well. I miss both of them so much and mom on the other hand is 85, and has multiple health problems but is so wrapped up in her self that she doesn't know what this is doing to me. Well, I too have gotten some of my feelings out here, thanks for listening, and we just have to keep on going on, but it is important to try to handle our own stress before it causes us to get sick or down. Well I need to get a couple hrs sleep if I can, got a Dr appt myself infew hours. Have a good Tuesday and try to stop long enough to "smell the roses"! God Bless each of you who are trying so hard for your loved one!

Its nearly 12:30am and Mom is wide awake. We need to be at the hospital by 5:30am. I gave her a the Hibicleanse (sp?) bath tonight. She complained the whole time about this and that. She also accused me of wishing her dead. I know she's freaked out because she's about to undergo yet another surgery, but my patience snapped and I told her to shut the f_ _ k up!

My bad...

Hey girls.....ASG made the first milestone at 60...she gets COW TIME...woohoo!!!!!!
And the first one to hit 100 gets a cow patty from Nobs Busey! We're a classy bunch....:)

The changing behaviors are fascinating to me. Tonight when I was putting the col to bed she was wandering around looking for her flashlight in case the power went out. That was a first. And she also told me she had no desire to drive a car....that one threw me because she is always telling us how capable she is and can drive anywhere she wants. I will have to keep her occupied tomorrow or she will be right in the middle of the yard work trying to help. I'll just tell her she needs to stay inside and guard her purse and makeup....that will keep her occupied for a while.

Time for bed.....lights out!

Love and Hugz,
Jam

Oh and linda, don't leave, you care because you love us and we love you back! On both threads. How's pa? Seemer were you in the military? Yaaaa! This should be 60!!!:) sorry must be an OCD thing Lol. Or maybe I'm going crazy too!!! Either way goodningt:)

I can't help it there are 58 post and I want it to say 60 so bad! So here I go. Seemer, you have a handful. Yes vicks is nasty, esspecially if ya gotta taste it ewwww. Rosella, hey lady! Hope you are staying sane!

Yaaaaaaa! Ladeeda, let's have a party!!! So excited you got a job. I so hope this works out good for ya. You will do great. Will this be a live in job? So glad you will get paid more. icing on the cake. Jam, why oh why do they think they can physically do so much. I know its heart breaking for hubby to see his mom like that but I'm glad he is willing to help. Hubby will go set with aunt for a while if she is having one of those days. Her days are so more well defined now. Instead of her having moments where she has issues, they are whole days. We just had one yesterday. I swear she was outta her room a million times.(not saying there is anything wrong with her coming out) but she nornmally comes out about the same time everyday. Its unusual for her to come out (with behaviors of coarse) at say 7 at night, then again at 8:30 after coming out at various times in the day too. I also notice she keeps having me rearrange things in her apt. Like a table next to her chair that she had me rearrange the photo albums in a week ago, she's been rearranging it all week it seems. Then today she had me move it all back exactly opposite from the way she hads it now, to the way she started with it. I recall watching alz. Patients in the nursing home who would rearrange their closets a million times a day, except here I'm the dummy doing it at her direction. Oh the behaviors of this disease are frustrating. I hope you all are well. Hey to all the ones I'm just now meeting. Thos helps so much just to come and get it all out.

Whoopee Ladee!
Burned, if I were you I would think of the caregiving, but in the same time I would already think of what I can do next.
Night everybody

Hi ppl..
I am still new to finding a website and a place to where I can vent and discuss what is going on with my husband but the most daily occurences he has is getting sick after eating and complaining of pain on the right side of his head. He sleeps off and on. He constantly ask me questions about this that besides raising two small childre. I also have family on his side asking me questions about this and that when it seems they are fishing for information to put the blame on me when they could care less except the green. I hate that I am not being trusted or that I even count anymore. I do what I can and now I am getting ready next wk to finish the rest of the paper work I need to be his caregiver. At least that will help and I can save the money but I honestly do not know how much time he has left or what I am going to do after. All I know is that I will have to pay back school loans and find a way creative way to stay afloat in this economy and raise my kids. Sometimes I just wish someone else was in my shoes and not me. This wears me out mentally every day and now my own health is starting to be at risk. I can't accept help from his family because they do not trust me at all. I am consider a gold digger and for what money none. We been thru our share of up and downs he is trying his best to hold on his reality but I am just burned. My candle cannot hold a flame anymore.

How is this caregiver today, well sighing a sigh of relief. I got a job with some really great folks, will make more in a week than I did in a month working for BG, and their daughter is a sweetie... so can't ask for any more than this...
For those of you who do not know me, I am one of only two or three paid caregivers on this sight.. I was welcomed with open arms, have made some great life long friends, and have been cared about thru the good times and the bad... I have been listened to to , encouraged, and have laughed until my stomach hurts.. so to anyone new, keep on posting, we are all here for each other in one way or anther.... hugs to you all.

I hope everyone has had a terrific day! As usual I have left my behind somewhere and am hoping it will find it's way back home.....maybe a little thinner this time....:)
The neighbors worked diligently all morning on their yard and I was beginning to feel a little "overgrown" and was waiting for my son to get here; he does our yard work in exchange for truck payments...we sold him our little Ford Ranger. Anyway, he gets there and starts mowing, dil is weed eating and I went down to the back fence to trim back a wild rose bush that makes mowing miserable. Yes, my arms look like I've been in a cat fight! Had to turn the watching of the col over to hubby, she was on a mission. Came out about 10ish and wanted to help me....I said you can by sitting at your table and looking pretty, but first we must get you into cooler clothes. She had on flannel jammies and it was already approaching 80 degrees. Told her to head for her bedroom and I would be right behind her....got inside and she is whining...."why do I have to go to bed? I didn't do anything".....good grief..I explained again that she needs cooler clothes on and we have to go to her bedroom for that...."but I don't want to go to bed".....this is going to be a long day. Get her out a pair of capris and a nice matching shirt, put her hair up in a clip so it's off her neck and cooler and said now let's go outside. But she wants to talk about how many children I have....I told her 10....I only have 3 but it got her to thinking about something other than the Joplin tornado. I finally got her outside and went back to what I was doing. She sat for 5 min and disappeared. Found her inside with one hot roller on the top of her head....two on the right side and five on the left. Nothing in the back of course. I just shook my head and went back outside. Hubby went and got her for lunch....we just barbecued burgers today and while some of us went back outside, hubby entertained her until she was ready to go back to her house. A little later I caught her trying to come up the deck stairs by herself.....this is a no-no....helped her back down and she lost her footing at the bottom....thank goodness I had a hold of her or she would have toppled over and probably ended up with a fracture. She is very unsteady on her feet due to the Ativan. It's not so bad when she is sitting quietly but when she gets up and moves she's like a little "Weeble" doll. I reminded her that work will start on the front yard tomorrow, so she needs to not go there......"why can't I help?" because there will be pieces of machinery there that will smash you! Our front yard will be concreted over with a stamped pattern and will give her somewhere else to sit and get a different view on the world. She's tucked away for the evening, watching CNN, and I'm hoping now I can relax for a while.

Love and Hugz,
Jam

Lol been having trouble with signals and things since the tornadoes. Love you guys too:) will get on comp. When I can lol

Asg, another post half lost!!!! But I think we got the idea. Very happy to hear you are being able to cope with Auntie, and all the younguns will be out of school soon... You sound happy, even if you are busy......loved the pics of your young man graduating... and a daughter in Jr. High.. No wonder you are so busy, have a safe and happy holiday Going for an interview here in a little while, wish me luck, glad you are here.. love ya and hugs..

ASG....looks like you are wwaaaaaaayyyyyyy to busy 8-)

Hey everybody, tried to post and introduce myself yesterday and today and lost em. Both. Busy holiday weekend. I'm pretty good the last few days have been not bad. Seems we are in a decent mood. When we are not some how I am having the coping ability to deal with proabably cause I have been to busy to g