This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I went out to pick some snow peas from my garden after a couple of showers. Had a fight with a rabbit....he won......he left with a mouth full of food and I got 4 peas........pound by pound not a fair trade. Now I am doing the vinegar in empty pill bottle (got lots of them) thing to keep them away. So much for peace in the fgarden. hahahaha
My mom needs 24/7 care, needs to be fed through a tube, incontinent, dementia setting in and it feels like I am caring for a giant baby. She was overly medicated when she came home and I have been trying to get her "normalized" (with nurses and Doctors advise) I have been doing soiled laundry 3-4 times a day (my mom has constant diarrhea), have to crush all the meds in order to give them through the peg tube, my mom doesn't sleep all night moaning and then when I ask her what's the matter she either doesn't answer or says she has to cough or tells me its time to get up....and this is after she was given anti-anxiety med and sleeping pill! She seems to see and hear things that are not there...had to cover up the mirror in her room because that was causing problems (she was talking to the mirror). When the relatives call they only care how my mom is doing (which is fine)but don't want to hear about anything that concerns my wellbeing. My mom sometimes moans all day and I don't know how to help her!
My sibling only comes once a week and for only half hour or so sometimes bringing his kids that make a mess and then leaves and doesn't pick up after the kids. As if I don't have enough to do! He doesn't offer to help with the yard work (which is overgrown) or even to help with the household chores or to sit with my mom so I can do some errands. Anything!!!.
Sorry I am just venting...thanks for letting me get this off my chest...
My mother passed away last Dec. 29 and I also have never had time to grieve for her. Perhaps that's why sometimes I get a little "too" mad at the col....guilt maybe? I don't know. But it sure helps to be able to say what I'm feeling and not hold it in.
Vic, as the others have said, come back and visit and tell us how you're doing. This is a difficult job to try and do alone.
Hugz,
Jam
And Bp, I pray you get some rest soon and hopefully get your health issues under control... we need you here, not to DO anything but to be a voice... hugs to you both, and get some rest if you can...
Today, I find myself in a familiar funk. My mom is 86 and has lived with me for 9 years. I find reading your posts...healing in a sense. I don't care how you slice it...you do lose part of you for awhile. Someone told me that it was like raising children. Not totally. Yes, when you raise children you do lose part of yourself for awhile...while you invest you in them...nurture and help them grow. But...when it's someone older (mom, dad, grandparent, etc.), you are nurturing and supporting them as the transistion from this place. Not only do you lose part of yourself...but you are losing them...one minute at a time.
Yes, everyday there seems to be something I feel guilty about. It is one thing when you let something go for yourself...it's another when you are making someone else's decisions. I look in my mom's eyes....I see the distance, confusion and loss that sometimes creeps in. It breaks my heart...truly breaks my heart. Then I think...what would I want someone to do for me if I were in their place...when I think of something...I do it. I try to look past the bathroom issues, etc....as hard as that is sometimes...because I know she would not have chosen this.
I do what I do so that I can make every attempt to protect her dignity and try to ensure she is as happy and comfortable as possible. I want her to know that she can count on me when she cannot count on herself. I want to support her like she supported me growing up.
Wow everyone...this is such a hard journey! On more levels than not, I wouldn't trade it for the world...I am very blessed! I know that...but I also know I am human...not perfect...and that really ticks me off! :) Thank you once again for your posts...your honesty...and...well wishes. God Bless all of us!
i truly feel like sh*t at the bottom of a overloaded sh*t hole.
There are just going to be days when we have only so much left to give and guess we are doing the right thing by giving what we do have. So be proud that you are doing a very difficult job. We all get angry and frustrated, that is normal...
Just keep coming back and telling how you are feeling.. just that by itself helps us not to feel so alone... thanks for sharing... hugs to you...
I was given a little prayer card, this is a Catholic thing, with a prayer to St Paul, the patron saint for patience. I am not a terribly organized religious person, but I feel this helps. I lack patience at 3:30 am, but I am getting better during the day.
The visiting nurse spent almost 3 months at our house for my mom first, who was recovering from a fem-pop that had complications, and then also my dad while recovering from ostomy surgery. We would force her to eat lunch with us, she said it wasn't professional. She got to know us and care for us, cause she came to dad's funeral. Loved seeing her red head coming through the door.
I still encourage you to get that next job and do what you do so well. Someone else needs you like Ruth did, and I'm sure she would want someone else to feel the love you gave her. Best wishes, my friend.....
Most days I have patience and kindness. Some days I am a basket case. Nothing seems to go right. I am tired...dad calls throughout the night to use bathroom. And on the rare night that he doesn't call ..I don't sleep all that well.
I try to pray ...especially for patience! I love them so very much. I try to get outside weather permitting to work in the yard. That helps. Once a week we have a lady to sit ...but the time goes so fast. Sometime it is hard to cope. I have a wonderful husband to help with everything when he is home. ...so many good things but I seem to get so mad at myself for not doing some thing better. Or yelling because they don't hear me or understand ....
I was fortunate that things were usually contained and I did not have to scrub walls at two in the morning, but cleaned the floor by the potty as our timing was bad sometimes...
One of the things that keeps going thru my mind is how much I hate Alz. and what it does to a human being. I watched Ruth turn into animal at times. Her aggression was unbelievable . I often tell people I got my a$$ kicked by a 93 yr. old woman when she managed to pound my head and push me down, and I got a broken bone out of the deal, and she just goes on about her way...I do carry some guilt about all that. Many 'what if's', what if I had tried harder to convince her daughter she needed a med change, then she would not have ended up in NH, where a UTI was not caught in time and she was given Depakote for behavior. What if I had gotten in the RN's face and demanded she have a urine test. Because that untreated UTI is what took all her strength and left her unable to go on. What if I had told the daughter in law she NEEDED a whole dose of AHB gel and 10 cc's of morphine to help her pain and anxiety . Yes, I have guilt, and feeling I did not do enough. But at the same time I watched her become someone no one recognized. Such a mixed bag of feelings.And then on the other side of that coin, I am so grateful she is no longer suffering and is happy and whole...
Thank you for this thread Jam, I haven't talked to anyone about my guilt and feel somewhat relieved that I have a place to put it out there and be able to cry and miss her..and not just go on to the next job. I loved her, she was not just the lady I took care of....thanks for listening and hugs to you....
I've read to put some Vicks under your nose or breathe through your nose, but I didn't want to TASTE it, so I kept my mouth shut and lost my sense of smell. I know it went out with the garbage ! I would tell you how I coped with that, but I can't until I get out of this 3 day stupor. But thank you for listening.