This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
she seems to be moving to a new stage - sad, crying and wanting to go home
caregiver said she's changed in the past couple of weeks - talking of dying and stuff
tonight she looked so helpless and said she wanted her mama
it made me cry
so many have passed or gone home to pass in the 3 years mom has been at hoca but last night her neighbor passed suddenly - his wife looked after him with steadfast devotion everyday and she's heartbroken- she is like family and kept an eye on the Viking for me
got a text later in the day, mom was saying bad things - told the caregiver to tell her to apologize- the Viking refused to do so
by the time I got to hoca after work, everyone was saying bad things -
and the beat goes on
la dee da dee da
Pick a few of those favourite photos, make a little display, and hang them somewhere you and all the family can see them. You never know, it might start a conversation; and even if it doesn't at least it will give you something good to look at in passing.
Are you getting any time off at all?
Thanks for reading!
I'm so relaxed, not on edge waiting for the sound of a fall, or seeing what's needed, since auntie had stopped asking for help. Wow, I'd forgotten how nice that feels. And we're accepting help from friends.
I understand you not wanting to go on medication cause there is a link between statin drugs and Alzheimer's. But exercise is always a good, positive thing as is eating clean no matter what the doctors tell you. So keep it up if you can.
thanks for checking in
I hope you get some relief soon
So many have been missing you here.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/high-blood-cholesterol/in-depth/reduce-cholesterol/art-20045935
https://www.health.harvard.edu/heart-health/how-to-lower-your-cholesterol-without-drugs
Well, that just opened up a can of worm. Now sis has invited me to spend this Friday night and all day Saturday with them. Her idea of spending quality time is sitting on the couch watching Netflix one series after another - all day. Did I mention that there are No Commercials?! Just before I left her house last Saturday at 5pm, I told sis that watching TV is not relaxing. It's very Exhausting. I went home so tired. A whole Saturday lost - doing nothing but watch Netflix over 5 hours!
My doctor wants me to do the blood test for high cholesterol since it's high. I don't want to take an Rx for it. It affects my mental thinking and Alzheimer runs in my mom's side (mom and her mom had Alz.) I have decided to Not do the blood test until 2 months from now. I will exercise between now and then to lower my cholesterol. Doc told me several times that it's not my eating that causes the cholesterol. It's my life style/family genes. For years, he kept telling me to exercise. For years, I've ignored him. Until now. I have set up my iPad to 9:30pm Exercise alarm for 3-4 times a week. Tonight was the 1st night. I googled some very simple warm up exercises, beginner's exercises and warming down exercises. I cheated on all 3. Heck, I'm waaaay out of shape. I actually got a headache from doing the main exercise. Too much, too fast... I have to say, despite all that sweat dripping down my back (still going through menopause), it felt so great to feel my heart and blood pumping through my whole body. The warm-down exercises were great, too. Pshaw! They recommend daily exercises. Heck, no!!! 3-4 x week is just fine - from a couch potato's perspective.
P.S. Never, ever drink ice cold water after exercising! Terrible head rush! Painful head rush!… Anyway.. I feel a bit better. I guess it's true that exercising can help you deal with your depression... Must be all that fresh blood pumping through the brain... =)
I find out it is common in caregiving. Be kind to yourself.
I want to encourage you, though, to drop the guilt. You're there for your mom, you're trying to be a good help to her, you're human, and caregiving is HARD. It is so hard. So whatever other negative feelings you have about the situation, guilt shouldn't be one of them. Maybe you can try to let that go. I'm sure there's plenty of worry and frustration still to feel, hahahaha, focus on those, let that guilt go. You're not doing anything to warrant feeling guilty about.
Keep posting on the support threads, as much as is helpful to you.
I’ve been off work and my brother has been out to help take care of her house and i literally cannot get out of bed. For me, a major upset also makes me not want to eat, and I recognize that, and i have a supportive husband and dog, and they want to cheer me up too.
I feel guilty that I did not get mom to the GE doctor sooner, it turned out she had a majorly narrowed esophagus, which they took care of in the hospital. I also feel guilty that I don’t know how I’m going to work it when she comes home - a paid caregiver for a few hours, do I take an FMLA leave for a few weeks, will my job be there when I get back (they say it will, my management does empathize with me).
I don’t want her in a SNF, I think she’ll do ok at home. But, I’ve told her she’ll go there if we find out she doesn’t.
Im overloaded and feel guilty for that too.
I long for my life back too. Does that mean we want our parents dead? Absolutely not! Reality sets in and we realize we will not get our lives back as they once were. Those days are long gone. At least for those of us who have our loved one in our homes.
My mother is spoiled too. It’s such a mixed bag of emotions dealing with this. For me, initially I had this impossible dream of making mom’s time with me as lovely as possible for her, so much so that I neglected myself, husband and children. Something is out of whack with that picture as many on this site have pointed out to me.
So, I started doing more research to find answers. It’s time consuming and even confusing in some areas but I have to work through it. I’m hoping to gather all the information that I can to do what is best for everyone concerned.
Then I won’t constantly wonder how things could have been handled differently to make life more meaningful and comfortable for all. I encourage you to do the same. I wish I would have been in the correct frame of mind to start on things sooner.
I’ve dealt with and still do, anxiety (what if?) and depression (grief over my whole life is dedicated to mom), even suppressed anger at times (missing out on life), exhaustion (mental and physical) and that has to stop. I can no longer be at peace with being stuck, and at least try to find some answers to certain situations.
I am in your shoes, other than I have children but they don’t live very close and after going through this with mom, I don’t want to be a burden on them. I hope I can plan a better future for me.
I don’t have money for a fancy assisted living place. I surely hope I will at least be in a place where I am cared for with dignity and respect. Or just die quickly the way my grandma did. That is what she prayed for and that is how she went. I’d like that too.
Pam's water damage is awful. Good that daughter will now get coverage for items she was planning on replacing. What a mess.