Not a rant or vent...just an observation.
I've been trolling these boards for a couple of years. This forum has been a blessing to me as I have navigated (and continue to!) the ups downs and sideways-es of care giving not just for my elderly LO's but for myself and for my DH. Gotten a lot of good advice and a lot of great support.
This is just an observation on my part. Maybe it's b/c of the posts I frequent, but it seems that SO MANY of the posts are about "trying to get someone to change" "trying to make mom understand this or that" 'how do I get family involved in CG" how do I ask for more help" and my all time favorite "how do I deal with a narcissistic parent/client?'.
IMHO, so many of these questions have the same root cause: trying to CHANGE something, someone, some situation...that simply cannot BE changed. I don't know what stands in the way of these "changes" as many are really important and go to quality of life and health and family--
It's super frustrating. Right? We see the need. Our LO may or may not, but in the end, how many times do the things we feel that need change, actually happen? How many of us are beating a dead horse for simply YEARS?
My DH did, of his own free will, got hearing aids. And he wears them. Only took 30 years of downright begging him. He has said, in the month since he got them, he wished he'd done it sooner. SMH.
Mostly we don't HAVE 30 years to patiently wait the issue out.
This came to me in an epiphany the other night. I have an acquaintance (cannot honestly call her a friend anymore) who is 69, widowed and very poor who inherited her 3 grandkids from foster care 2 years ago. Her son 'let' her have the kids, but it isn't legal and she can't even get health care for them. She decided ONE YEAR ago to sell her home, move somewhere much cheaper and try to get the kids adopted. ONE YEAR AGO.
I made the enormous mistake of offering to help. Got her a realtor, he helped her to know what she needed to do to get top dollar for the house. I organized clean ups, packing days within our church community, day care for the kids (they are so horribly behaved now no one will take them, ever.)
4 months of almost daily packing, cleaning, tending,you name, I was there. Supporting her along in her "desire" to make this sweeping changes. Paid for the storage pods ($4K+) arranged meals to come in---whole entire house is PACKED. Whew!
Son is MIA. doesn't answer the phone, doesn't answer texts. Just, doesn't care.
Sept rolls around, time to list and sell the home. I go out of town, I am so fried with GIVING and trying to help CHANGE...and when I come back, 10 days later--my DH picks me up at the airport and says "Uh, don't be mad, 'L' isn't going to move. Turns out son doesn't want her to."
No discussion, no nothing. He doesn't want her to move and so she isn't going to. (He lives in another state, 1000 miles away and never visits).
So there she sits. I blew my stack, cut off the funding for the storage and she told everyone I had ruined her life by giving her no choices. Really?
She moved as much as she could into the basement apartment and lives there with the kids.
And then some idiot gives her a Labradoodle puppy. She can't FEED THE KIDS and she keeps this stupid dog.
Wow, have I learned a lesson. She asked me constantly for advice and accepted ZERO of it. She used me, blatantly. I cannot stand the sight of her or the kids.
**This story simply said to me "how many times have you stepped in to help and gotten ridiculously over involved--and the person DID NOT CARE?"
I need to do a much better job of working on boundaries. I expect that many of you can relate, in one way or another.
I learned that when SERVICE becomes SERVITUDE--you need to step away, and do it fast.
I have cut all ties with this person. She will never be OK. And I do feel bad about that.
We can certainly, as CG's care a great deal more than those for whom we 'care'.
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I've noticed too the many narcissistic/difficult parents on here. I think most with “ normal “ parents probably don’t have the ridiculously hard time dealing with elderly parents, both from the standpoint of having a parent that basically can’t make a realistic judgment but refuses to be the least bit aware of that plus dealing with the decades of cr^* that same parent put the caregiver through as they were growing up. I’m sure that is difficult to really understand for someone who has not had a narcissistic or other mentally or behaviorally “ challenged” parent. It’s still hard to deal with but just another layer of turmoil. But we have learned from decades of abuse that it’s not going to change and if you don’t practice self preservation, no one is going to do it for you. That’s realistic thinking.
Without questions this woman has some kind of mental illness. The father of these kids is MIA--he 'gave her guardianship' of the kids 2 years ago and it means absolutely nothing. He does not pay support of any kind. He doesn't respond to her begging texts and won't answer her calls. Yet, he controls her completely. The reason she didn't sell her house last Sept? he didn't want her to. No reason. Just that. So she unpacked a bunch of stuff and moved into the basement. If you ask her what's new-what's going on, she will ALWAYS say "well, I am waiting to hear from Wes, see what he wants me to do". (This same thing has been going on for just over a year now)
Then in the same sentence will complain about how badly her neighbor's daughter treats her neighbor. I couldn't believe it. I said "So, you think Liz treats Betty badly? As bad or worse than Wes treats you?". She said "Oh, he's fine. He just works a lot. I'm the only person who 'gets him'."
She will lose this house to foreclosure in a few months--she has no money at all. The kids will be taken into foster care--and she won't do anything. Just sits there waiting for this guy to grace her with a text.
And he knows it. He abuses her sick twisted 'love' of him to no end. I cannot bear to watch it.
Is she mentally ill? I don't know. I do know my DH always says "You can't fix stupid". And maybe, that's all that's 'wrong'. She's just stupid.
Just so sad.
I have found that some people in my family are very anxiety driven. They really struggle with anxiety and avoid ways to reduce it. It's like that's who they are. I'm more of a zen person, so, I have to stop the merry-go-round and get off when it goes haywire. I don't enjoy that kind of thing.
I also think that mental illness is still a very well keep secret in many families and it's better to call people emotional, eccentric, or delicate than what it really is.
I have a sister who is totally flat lined, emotionally. Like, nothing bugs her at ALL. She doesn't get upset, angry, worried, nothing. My kids will say "what is she on? Can you get some?" B/c I can be a little tweaky.
I'd choose my way of life over hers. She also doesn't seem to feel joy.
The ironic thing is that I truly very shy at the core, I have just had to fight that every single day. Somedays, I don't even try. Today feels like a shy day :) But I have a ton of things to do--sooooo, off we go!
My parents have always been control freaks and it's gotten worse as they get older. They also became nosier. They must be the most nosy and controlling people I've ever known. lol So, I just duck and try to stay out of the way. I no longer offer advice, because they won't take it. I just let them deal with things as best they can, even if they make things harder on themselves. I hope that I don't have to take over their decision making one day, but, if so, then, we'll do things my way. Otherwise, it's on them and they have to bear the consequences.
I hope they tipped well! My daughter tended bar too. A lot of kids do in college. She made great tips!
By the way, what I just posted to Dober is something completely different. I hope you understand what I mean.
My BF laughs at me all the time because people will come up to me and want to hug me or just touch me; others will tell me their problems or life story. I even have kids walk up to me and want to touch me. It is weird. My BF use to ask me if I knew these people, but after him seeing it year after year now he just looks at me and shakes his head and laughs.
I have no idea why people do this. I was told by my Bishop that it is because people can see, feel or sense that the hand of God is on me and He attracts people to me. I don't know if that is really true. And I don't smell like cookies, I'm not that sweet. Only God knows!
I think we DO give off a scent. Sometimes I take the train downtown to meet DH for dinner or the symphony or something--takes about 45 minutes and I ALWAYS have a few new friends by the time I get downtown.
I must have a 'talk to me' kind of face. That's fine. It's my 'I will help you totally ruin your life' face that I am not happy about. That's the one that needs work.
Several therapists have told me that I am unusually gifted as an empath. It's no gift, it's horrible. Being with a group of people and feeling what they feel? Can be awful. (Think kind of like that character Whoopi Goldberg played on one of the Star Treks. I never saw it, but I guess she could 'read' people's emotions and take them on herself.
I DO get waaaaay too involved in others' lives. I have had to really struggle to set boundaries for ME because I will literally take over--and a lot of people are more than happy to dump all their garbage on me.
That's how we wound up with a 22 yo 'foster son' when all I did was answer the door one freezing winter's night to a kid we barely knew (friend of our son's). 2 years I raised that poor kid. My Dh was NOT happy. I won't do that again.
It happens to me too. It becomes too much if we don’t set boundaries. That is how people set baits or traps so people will feel sorry for them until you get to know their true colors! Nope, never again being insulted and used again. I’m convinced they are either hateful or have a mental illness.
Do you know who I feel sorry for? Bartenders and hairstylist. They should charge prices that psychologists charge! Haha. I don’t understand why people tell them their personal business. They are pouring a drink for you or styling your hair! Where is the sign that says, therapist?
Luckily, I had wonderful grandmothers who more than filled in that blank. And a truly awesome daddy.
I'm a mom to 5, inlaw mom to 5 more and I can say I love these 10 amazing people SO MUCH. And they KNOW IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe some people cannot love, or have such a low sense of self worth they can't step out of their own misery to expand the bit it takes to love, truly love.
**This person I talk about, looking back....responded to 2 texts over the course of the last year. 2. And ONE phone call. It was ALWAYS me initiating the forward motion. I did all the research into moving companies, love of heaven, I PAID for the move which did not happen! ('I don't have a credit card, how am I supposed to pay for all this/") She'd turn on the sad Southern voice and I'd hand over whatever was needed. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I took dinners in and watched the kids and DISCIPLINED these brats (and they are, truly, the worst kids I've ever met) (and I don't blame them, mom & dad were meth addicts and all that goes with that)--but gma has done ZERO 'parenting' even when taken to classes by our pastor. She just sits in a chair and screams at them. (YES, cps HAS visited several times)
Sadly, for her, she has shot herself in the foot. People will give until it hurts, but at some point, they give up. It's not a new story.
She actually asked me, last week when I HAD to go to her place to retrieve my carpet cleaner (b/c she would not return it) WHY hadn't she heard from me for so long. When I picked my jaw up off the floor, I said "Um, L, I'm bowing out. I can't do this anymore. We talked about this." "OH, I didn't think you MEANT it. What am I going to do without you bossing me around?" Again...I just replied, "Well, you could try actually implementing some of the great advice you have received from all and sundry. I really can't care anymore." She just looked totally appalled at the though I was "done" with her.
It's a new endeavor for me. I love to give service, but will go forward in my life making MUCH better decisions about whom I serve and how much.
I think natural caregivers give off some kind of smell--like sugar cookies. Makes us very appealing :) (My granddaughter likes to kiss/rub my cheeks. She says I smell like cookies. Maybe I do!)
I think sometimes (in my case) we get caught up in caring for LO without realizing what we were getting ourselves into until it was to late. But I have to admit I am caring for someone who doesn't even likes me, of course, I didn't know that. Whoever would think of a mom doesn't love her child? Granted my mother did seem to love me at times, but now I see that those times of 'love' really was just her needing or wanting something from me. She broke my heart! I know she will Never Change.
So now, I am just trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Taking lemons and making lemonade out of it! I am not brave, nor am I a good daughter, in fact, I just am doing the best I can.
But you are right Midkid most of us hope for change--what change? Well, I guess it all depends on what we are dealing with!
But the truth is...we have to except the ones we care for will never change--we can only change ourselves and our perception!
Just my 2 cents!
You are absolutely correct in feeling the way you do. These people will drain the life out of everyone the know! Sooner or later, they need to take a good long look in the mirror at themselves! Energy vampires 🧛♂️ !
Remember your story. I have a friend similar. She has multiple health problem. Lately diagnosed with Parkinsons. She had diabetes and heart problems. She gave up her car years ago. I have suggested the Senior bus, said she called they never got back to her. Think that was a lie which is what she does to get out of something. So, she complains she has no way to get to dr visits. She is in an apartment that is not disabled excessible. She needs help but won't get it. Medicaid would help her. She always has a reason why your suggestions won't work. The last straw was a nasty message she left on my phone crying that no one wants her around. That there were two luncheons that no one bothered to tell her about and offer a ride. One lunch was for a class behind us that yes, I had been attending but haven't been for a year. The other...there wasn't one. She received the wrong info. I tried to return the call but it went to a FULL voicemail. So I texted her telling her I tried to call her but her VM is FULL and...I had no idea what she was talking about Which at the time I didn't. Took a call to another friend to find out what she is talking about. Since two shared friends know the truth, she should be aware of what really went on. I feel I deserve an apology. Until I do, I will not be going out of my way for her.
This is a woman who is estranged from one son. The other only sees her occasionally. She has been told she is not invited to Holiday dinners because they don't want the drama. She does not see what they are talking about. I have a disabled Nephew and a Gson with epilepsy. Neither drive so I am their chauffeur. If she called me for a ride before the call I probably would have given it to her but I am not volunteering.
Yes! Yes! And Yes!!! I agree totally with you! I did the same thing with absolutely no regrets other than I should have done it sooner! As you said it a huge weight lifted off of us. Bravo! Hugs!
Proud of you and me for turning a friend into an acquaintance! Take care, MidKid. Hugs!!!