Last night my parents, age 70 & 74 and living independently down the street from me, declared they are basically "done" with life. They say they see nothing out there for them. My father admits he is basically trying to kill himself with alcohol. This in spite of the fact that they are in good health (other than alcohol and depression), have a nice home, good financial situation, and one child (me) that watches out for them daily and brings no drama to their lives. They refuse to seek help for their depression. I don't know what to do. My mom's mom lived to 96. When I try to tell my mother she probably has another 20+ years ahead of her, all she says is she hopes not to live much longer. I'm tearing my hair out this morning!!!!!!! They say they don't want to live to an age to become a burden on me. They don't seem to have a clue that they are quickly becoming a burden at this point with their behavior. I run my own business and work 6.5 days per week, and spend my only time off (Sunday afternoons) at thier house while they tell me how awful life is and how they are "done" and they are too old to have positive things going on in their lives. We discuss things like cremation, burial, inheritance, physical ailments, and they bad mouth pretty much everyone they know. Then I go home, crash out in bed, and here I am, its Monday, up hours before the sun trying to get my work week started again. This sux.
I'm newly married and the alcohol usage I'm witnessing in my new family is disgusting, I hate it!! One niece drinks way too much then gets out her phone and calls a family member to let them know how sorry she thinks they are. A few months ago, she called her mom, with terminal cancer, to tell her how much she hated her and what a lousy mom she was (shes s good mom). Another has retreated from life and refuses help at 33. Alcohol is definitely not a "friend" to all.
Your Good Attitude stance is wonderful, IMHO, and as I've stated before, my husband and I practice it everyday and believe me, we suffer from depression (hubby is on disability due to its severity). Of course, what works for some people won't always work for others. Some depressed people just give up and nothing will help them and others just don't or won't let anything help them, they get attention for heading the pity party and stay there (my mom being the Queen). Then if you throw in dementia, hey, that's a whole new ball game. I think right now, you're going to have to find out what the folks' problem really is so you can deal with it. If you have to call in the County, I say go for it, for their protection. If your parents get mad, then they do. At this point, they're displaying behavior warrenting intervention.
I wish you the best. Please keep us posted. We care and are here for you. Your sharing is teaching us lessons and I for one need all the lessons I can get!
Assisted Living also has rooms for couples with a lower cost for the second person in the room. Mom's costs are $5500 per month for a very high level of service in an expensive part of the country (a package deal which she does not completely need at this point but I expect will as she becomes older). Go to a rehab facility and ask their social worker where they recommend their patients go after rehab. I got the right guidence, and even then looked at a half dozen other places before I settled on the very one the rehab facility recommended.
I just saw a flash as I have seen this behavior before. My former neighbor and close friend, is a 71 year old female alcoholic. Her beverage of choice is wine. She hs dropped all of her friends, isolates, favorite mantra- been there, done that and have lived my life. Has become very rude. Major interest drinking and tv. Husband is a enabler, is also abusing alcohol and is very angry with his wifes behavior. Plenty of $ to enjoy life- life is a wine bottle. No one seems to be able to reason with Nancy and many friends suspect that alcoholic dementia has
settled in.
Your parents have been abusing alcohol (wine counts) and may be alcoholics. The classic signs are there. Drinking more frequently, isolating, cancelling at the last minute, lack of interest in other activities, selfishness, misdirected anger, nutritional deficiencies and dehydration (not eating properly, excess alcohol often results in B- vitamin, thiamine deficiency.) Alcohol is a major depressent and it is fueling the behavior. Alcohol impacts the brain. Memory and reasoning skills are adversely impacted.
Your parents may be isolating because they are choosing alcohol over friends, activities and are trying to cover for one another. Are there any programs in your area that would address depression and alcohol in the elderly?. I live near one of the top psychiatric hospitals in the country and they have a unit that specializes in elderly issues including alcoholism.
Obviously, there is a lot going on ..... and I am not mitigating other issues. I have also seen situations where the couple isolates as they may be trying to hide memory impairments or dementia of the spouse.- Being protective, embarrased.
You post suggests that your parents are still relatively young and were very engaged and are declineing rapidly. Only one major issue can be addressed at a time. What are your thoughts? I could be off base but unfortunately I think not. Suggestion- research alcoholism and the elderly. It is never to late to turn it around. Obviously, you are a loving and caring daughter and doing your best for your parents. I hope that my post may be helpful to you and not to upsetting. Just thoughts to ponder. Please stay engaged in this site as it is extremely helpful. Best Regards
Try dropping by on your way out with a small gift. Say a tiny plant tomorrow for Valentines. just give it to them at the door don't go in. "Sorry Mom got to run I've got to be in **************** in ten minutes. Hope this helps. I know it is discouraging when you are trying so hard. if your mother tries taking to her bed again threaten to call Social Services or the Health dept or whoever looks out for seniors in your state - and actually do it. they clearly need medical help but it may take time to get them there but there is no harm in you talking to their Dr for advice. You can also try taking one of your dogs with you on a brief visit but don't rush. At least your mother has some emotion left if she got mad at her brother's gift. It would have been far worse if she just threw it aside. Strange as it may seem she was probably glad he remembered. Good thoughts take care of yourself.
pets are so very important in peoples lives. My cats helped me recover from hip replacement. I would take a pain pill and ask my husband to find one of the kitties to purr me to sleep and one or both always obliged. They don't actually like each other but are very competetive for my lap so will both get up and glare at each other before a purring match begins.
My last horse died in August and I still have her picture as the background on my computer. I will take her down but right now I am still in the stage of disbelief and can greet her evertime I turn on my computer.
I just turned 74 and find it hard to accept I am that old and have some obvious physical limitations but there are benefits. So many people are so nice to me. They hold open doors and help me lift things into the car, from young boys to other old ladies. I would like to live another 20 years but when it becomes obvious I will try and accept God's will gracefully just as the Pope has done. By the way I am not Catholic but see the Pope as a fine example of knowing when to do the right thing. You are on the right track Floridakid keep up the good work. Is there any way your parents could help with small tasks in your business so they felt you needed them?
Dogs being put down every day because no one will care for them. Maybe if they feel they can make a difference -they will feel needed again. The empty space created after 14 years of caring for the other dogs can be overwhelming. A shelter pet could help them and the pet. Perhaps a Valentine's gift/ birthday gift, etc. from you?
My husband and I both suffer from depression, his being far worse than mine. We have your same mindset and support each other trying to keep each day as easy as possible. It isn't easy and we have to work hard at it. We just take one day at a time. It sounds like your parents recognize they need to get on a better path. The best to all of you!
I hope they can find something they like to do. There is so much to do in Florida for people of all ages. They just have to get in the habit of doing things they like. Your parents are not alone in this happening. Sometimes we can help and other times, like you said, we just have to keep ourselves from being pulled down into the pit with them.
My husband lost his mother last year at 74. It was not a great year for us. Our New Year's resolution this year was a co-resolution: Good Attitude!!! We run our business together, so of course we are together 24/7. When one of us gets down, the other one reminds them of our Good Attitude pact. And you know what? We are both happier, eating better, exercising, laughing more. It's amazing what mindset can do for you. Chase out the negative thoughts. I feel 10 years younger since we started this. And yes, I have suffered from depression off and on since I was 13, so it does take work for me to be a "glass half full" person. Like anything else, it takes some effort to keep your mindset on the right track, stay motivated, positive, etc. At this point my parents are the only negative in my life. I have accepted that they are choosing their own path and that I can only let them drag me down so much. I spent an hour with them this afternoon...there is a glimmer of attitude improvement...I think I shook them up by getting angry last night and finally unloading on them. I'm not going to bet the farm, but they indicate they have hit a low point and want life to be better. Here's hoping!
I feel sorry for people who never think they'll get old, it's inevitable, just part of the cycle. Nobody likes it but it happens. I look at my 83 yr aunt and her 91 yr old boyfriend. They are thankful for each day and know they're lucky their health issues aren't too bad. They're an inspiration.
I am so sorry you're going thru this FloridaKid and sorry you're parents can't see that life still have much to offer. Good luck to all of you. I'm hoping one day they'll listen to you and see that they're headed in a wrong direction.
I am not their age but I have Bipolar and am often depressed even with taking my meds. However, I know I have 3 little Chihuahuas that count on me every day to feed them, cuddle them, walk them and spend time with them. I feed them every day, of course and cuddle them but I don't always walk them. They help with the depression even though I still have it but it gives me some purpose in life and some other living beings to care for.
From personal experience I can tell you that depression prevents someone from thinking clearly and making good decisions. And it robs people of initiative. It is hard for a depressed person to decide to get treatment -- what's the use? Live isn't worth living anyway. It is hard to take an action, like joining a bird watcher club. And from personal experience I can tell you that treatment is available and is effective.
As lightedpumken says, all you can do is try. And the area I suggest trying really hard at is getting the depression treated.
Please keep us informed of how things progress. We learn from each other.
I can understand why older people pull in. The US is so geared to the young and is bad for the self esteem of older people. I know I feel it myself. As we become older, we become invisible. Someone who doesn't want to learn ballroom dancing or play bingo or cards is often left out. But there are other things to enjoy -- birdwatching, hiking, gardening, luncheons with friends. Having something they look forward to gives people a reason to get up in the morning. The trick is finding something that is enjoyable. Floridakid, do your parents enjoy cooking, shopping, or outdoor activities? Do you think one or both might enjoy helping out with a charity? It would be great if they found something they looked forward to doing, either together or separately.
I agree an evaluation is in order. A visit to the doctor is probably in order as well. I do understand if your parents have been like this their entire adult life, you are fighting an uphill battle. There is just so much life left in them, not to mention the time with you, that should be enjoyed and savored.
I wish you the very best. You have to find your own happiness. There is only so much we can do to change another's outlook.
Hugs,
Suzanne