What is it? its origin? Its effects? How it's defeated by some? Why it's victorious over others?
Many of the lives of caregivers that I have read are struggling with the power of an emotional blackmailer in their life. I think it is a big enough topic to warrant a discussion on it using the questions above.
The following is how I basically see this issue and my hope for all of us who struggle with it.
Emotional blackmailers are powerful for the F.O.G. is strong with them. F.O.G. (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) is the path to the darkside of manipulation. May you find freedom, be free, and stay fee from the power of the F.O.G.
I think your instinct that your mother isn't really in her right mind, so can't be to blame for what she says, is correct. At 92, and with dementia, it isn't so much that she speaks without thinking as that the thinking part doesn't really happen, or not as you'd recognise it.
Do what you think is right: if you're worried about her and *you* want to talk, then pick up the phone or drop in for a visit - after all it takes two to make a battle, even a battle of silence. But you still need to watch your back - keep it short and sweet to start with and see how it goes. Loving your mother does not mean you have to put up with insulting or abusive remarks. Nagging, though… isn't that in the mother's job description? Hang on to your patience as best you can.
Good luck, I hope you find her in fine fettle and a better temper. Hugs.
The behaviors described here can be anything, any diagnosis, but also point to the male having Bipolar disorder, or Sociopathic/Psychopathic personality disorder.
In addition, there can be drug or alcohol abuse to complicate the diagnosis. This is called a dual diagnosis.
This does not mean there is not Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic PD. Goes to Axis I , II, III, IV in the DSM. Diagnosis is not a DIY project.
For ones own safety, never confront this person, or play back their own words to them. CMagnum once described the narcissist as, after being confronted, will 'Go and scortch the earth.' Have I got that reference correct?
As you can understand, seeing a professional is required for more understanding.
One should start with a definitive diagnosis. As with most disorders mentioned, those with the diagnosis rarely seek treatment, but the person living with them is going to need it, plus a lot of support, not always from family members.
Make a life, a good life for yourself. Get help, make a plan. You are on the threshold of the opportunities for a real safe, happy, satisfying life.
If one decides to stay, get insight and skills, take dancing lessons-means: 'I am dancing as fast as I can!'.
So sorry that anyone has gone through this. Take care of yourself.
Maybe I will. He'll probably say "Oh thats not me"
Since he does this in secret mainly alone with you, your family understanding and believing this is understandable. Too bad you don't have a recording or video to share with them, but since you never know that would not be possible to set up unless he went into an irrational rage on the answering machine when calling home. A friend of mine used such recordings to prove that his wife had multiple personalities.
His family are extremely dysfunctional. His Dad is very passive. His Mom is a frenetic mess. Extremely highstrung. Tried to commit suicide at one time. His sisters are manipulative and spoiled. He has no brothers. He carries on with his family much the same way he is with me. In fact when I first met him and saw how he treated his family alarm bells went off but I ignored them. Have lived to regret that.
What is his family like?
I always say to him if you can put on a nice act for everyone else why can't you just carry on and put that same act on for me. His response "What act?"
Professionals have yet to fully understand the causes of BPD. At the heart of it is either some real or perceived invalidation usually by a parent. Some think, it takes a narcissist to raise a person who ends up with BPD. However earlier theories about being victims of abuse or certain types of families have all been found to have holes in them. Personally, I think these folks are born with a higher sense of sensitivity to their own feelings and something happens that leads them to feel invalidated that may be more of a matter of perception or a matter of some reality.
It is treatable with group therapy, DBT, individual cognitive behavioral therapy, and some meds which means involving a psychiatrist. The person has first got to see the need for this. Setting boundaries with some concrete consequences possibly might wake a person up, but that is not the purpose of boundaries. Boundaries are for self protection. Dealing with setting those up with good consequences is where a good, experienced therapist with those married to someone with BPD is a life saving resource.
Only the self aware and highly motivated persons with BPD work on managing the inner turmoil which leads to irrational rages when triggered; stick with the process; and make progress which is possible.
The switch in moods and not remembering the bad one is so typical. From my own experience they can be mean as H and then be so almost seductively nice, but not remember being mean.
Please get yourself into therapy for your own good.
How long has this moodiness been going on?
The literature on this strongly suggests that the spouse who does not have borderline personality disorder get themselves into therapy for their own well being.
Here is a list of books that might help you.
Forward, Susan. Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You. NY: Harper-Collins Publishers, 1997.
Kreger, Randi The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells.
Kreger, Randi, with James Paul Shirely. The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook
Porr, Valerie. Marsha M Linehan (forward), When Someone You Love Has Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Repair the Relationship
Manning Shari Y., and Marsha M. Linehan. Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship
Tinman, Ozzie. One Way Ticket to Kansas: Caring about Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder and Finding a Healthy You
Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing!
Read about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Find yourself a therapist who can help YOU draw boundaries.
He manipulates with his moodiness. I find myself jumping through hoops just to get him to snap out of his moods. When he is happy he forgets that he was being a jerk 5 minutes ago. Trying to adjust myself to his moods sucks the very life out of me. Walking on eggshells is an understatement.
Poster, this is what someone I know said when her husband stated he would like her to wear her hair in a different style. She told him: "It's my hair. I'll wear it the way I want to. I don't tell you how to wear your hair; don't try to tell me." End of discussion.
Another comment you could make is just say "Sorry you don't like it but I don't think your hair style suits you as well."
From what I've read, your mother puts you in a position of having to defend yourself as to something insignificant, such as how you wear your hair. Once you're in that defensive mode, you're more vulnerable. And that control extends because the issue is so insignificant, but she's made it a point of contention.
I've encountered this from overbearing people as well; for some reason they need to dominate any situation.
Hey, she's the one who's in a care home fretting about whether her daughter's warned the hairdresser that her dad had an alcohol problem..! And you're the one who knows that your mother is not well.
Darling girl, you don't *have* to do anything. You can detach as much as you need to. But if you want to do something, if you think you can both benefit your mother's health and wellbeing and feel more at ease yourself, then there are people you can talk to without disrespecting your mother's wishes, or her right to autonomy to use the jargon.
You can ask for a meeting with her named key worker for a general chat about how she is doing, and take it from there. It may not get anywhere, but it can't possibly do any harm and it could be a start.
You can find out if your mother's been referred to a memory clinic.
You can ask if there is a mental health nurse visiting the home, and if so if you could talk to him/her about your mother and get his/her perspective on what's going on.
The point is that you're starting a conversation. You're not divulging private information that your mother has asked you not to share. Moreover, you are right to be concerned that she may need help and you are acting in her best interests if you create the possibility of her getting help.
But you don't *have* to. The primary responsibility for your mother's physical and mental wellbeing lies with her care home's staff, not with you; and that reality is her creation, not yours. Leaving them to do their job is a legitimate option. And if you're not comfortable talking to anyone about her, you can let things be, and take care of yourself by limiting how often you visit her and for how long, and walking away if you begin to feel hurt or upset by her.
Are you talking to anyone about how you feel, and about what's going on? Friends, your own doctor, carers' support groups?