My 91 yr old mom recently was admitted to a dementia facility after a week long stay in a hospital. We're working with an elder care attorney to get the Medicaid application processed to pay for mom's long term stay, and her Medicare coverage just ran out yesterday (we were given 48 hrs notice). I'm very anxious about the situation. It looks like she'll qualify for Medicaid but there is a grey area that I don't want to get into here in detail. Let's just say that there's one point in her application that has me concerned.
I was researching it tonight online when my daughter came in to remind me I need to register her for summer camp (the one she likes registers god awful early!). I responded with, "thanks for the reminder, sweetie. I'll take care of that just as soon as I finish looking at this article." She smiled & left the room. Then I turned to my husband to show him the article that I found.
He abruptly told me that I need to stop sacrificing my daughter for my mother. I was stunned. How have I possibly done that??? He pointed out how my daughter wanted me to do her summer camp registration & instead I put her off. In my defense, I was putting her off for five minutes while I showed him this article on Medicaid that I found, that was it. He then let me know that he's had enough. It's time to "wrap up this mother business" & get back to focusing on us and our lives. He told me that I needed to get my priorities straight.
I'm devastated. He all but accused me of being a neglectful parent, which he knows has been my biggest fear in all of this (I didn't have the most nurturing mother, myself). I've tried to do everything I could possibly think of to compensate for all the chaos of me dealing with mom's recent medical issues & long term needs. But, I'm an only child and my dad's deceased. I'm my mother's only immediate family member. I HAVE TO but the work in to settle her situation and I have no control over how complex it'll be or how long it'll take.
It just broke my heart that he could think that way about me. I beat myself up for a few hours about it, wondering if my daughter was going to grow up to hate me for this time in her life. But later in the evening as I was picking up around the house, I realized a few things. Her new winter boots, new coat and snow pants? I took her shopping for those things. The Santa presents hidden in the attic? That was also me. The Christmas presents for extended family (including all the in law gifts)? Me again. This year's photo of her and Santa and the town bazaar? I was the one that took her to that. Not her dad. Her Elf on the Shelf has gotten moved every single night since Thanksgiving (when our elf has traditionally shown up) by ME. Oh, and the letter from Santa that arrives from an artist on Etsy (that she's gotten every year since she was born)? I just ordered that myself on Friday.
All the prepared food in the fridge, the snacks, and her lunch sitting ready to go for tomorrow? Me, me, and me. I was at her basketball game this morning, took her shopping for new basketball shorts and sneakers afterwards. I helped her wash her hair this evening, then brushed it and braided it for her. Despite the situation with mom (and my full time career), nothing has faltered. I stood in the kitchen realizing that everything to be done for this family in preparation of a new week was done, by me alone.
I'm NOT a neglectful mother and I'm NOT sacrificing my daughter for my mother. In fact, I'm killing myself to make sure that my baby girl can count on everything in her world being consistent and secure no matter what back bends I need to perform to make that happen.
That realization should've made me feel better but it did not. I'm so disappointed in my husband right now that I can't even see straight. Empathy isn't he strongest trait but I never thought he'd be so thoughtless right the worst of this situation.
Once you understand him - you can talk about how you go forward together. Having him on board to help more at home also seems to be important. Good luck and please let us know what happens.
Your DH can get off his tail and register his daughter. She's his responsibility too. (I'm venting: why is kid stuff usually the mom's responsibility?!) For that matter, Dear Daughter can fill out the registration paperwork herself. While it's fine if she does things early (I do), both your daughter and husband need to learn to do for themselves and learn you are not their default dumping ground.
You are NOT neglectful. To me, you sound overworked and overstressed, and under-appreciated and under-supported. I hope you can find the time and energy to seek a counselor or a trusted friend to support you about how to talk with your husband and your daughter about they need to do to support YOU.
*hug*
I can only imagine how it is for the spouse of a person caring for an elder. Everything is focused on the elder and after awhile you do feel ignored. I know making all the arrangements for my father was all consuming so I know what you are going through. After awhile my husband was sick of hearing about it. Sick of the late evening calls for assistance. Sick of always being in crisis mode for my father. I see both sides.
Sit him down and tell him what you wrote. Tell him all the things you managed to do and ask him why he thinks you were neglecting daughter. Ask him why he couldn't do the registration since you were busy.
I am not suggesting this at all but if you suddenly took a week off on a ‘girl’s holiday’ with friends he would notice very quickly everything that you do.
Your daughter would then have to go to him and he would not be able to take you for granted or think that you have shortchanged them. He would see first hand all that you do.
Do you think he is jealous or misses your attention? I am not saying that you are neglecting him. I doubt that you are.
Does he feel that you are overly preoccupied with your mom or is it his remark due to not being overly empathetic? You know your husband better than we do. Does he need reassurance? Has he been stressed out more than usual?
Tell him that you are concerned about your mom because she needs you and she is family and you would appreciate if he were more sensitive to your feelings.
Divide up the "duties" you've been doing and put more for him than you. Give him his "honey do list," including registering daughter for summer camp. If it's so important to him that it must be done immediately upon daughter's request, tell him to drop everything, and do it, along with everything else you put on His list.
Then, go on and take care of your mom without another word. You don't need to justify how/where/when you're taking care of her; she's your mom! Is this how you can expect him to take care of you should you be in your mom's condition in years to come? One wonders.
Maybe, he's really feeling like you are neglecting him and is just putting it off on your daughter. I'm not suggesting you are neglecting him but I bet that's what it is. I remember when I was all consumed with my mom's needs before she passed and my hubs would whine and act all hard done by. I remember saying to him one day "my mom is dying, don't you get it?" He didn't get it.
Men like to be nurtured. If you are dividing the nurturing with someone else they can't handle it. Not all men...........but quite a few of them. Tough titties! Tell him to suck it up and quit trying to make you feel guilty.
I say, time for your hubby to pull up his big boy pants and start helping out. Maybe not with the avalanche of care for your mom but certainly with your daughter. Sounds like you are doing it all while he is watching, and unfairly judging, from the sidelines.
You have my empathy, sympathy and support to continue to care for your loved ones the best that you can! Please don't let a few words undo so much caring!