My brother and sister don't help me take care of my mother. I hate them!

You are not alone here. Everyone has a sibbling that doesnt help . I go thru that also. But in the end.. your sibblings will have lost and you will have won the race. Best wishes for a Happy Easter today.

My sibs don’t help either. Stinks.

You're lucky she's still here. I wish mine were. What I wouldn't give to do even just one more grocery run or a houseclean. Enjoy these moments when they
are gone it truly sucks. :(

I know the feeling

I’m sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. I’m in a similar position with my siblings. My mother’s health has declined and she hasn’t been able to walk. I’m the only one that visits, cleans her apartment, buys groceries for my parents & handles all of her medical appointments.

Your mother is blessed to have you as her child & appreciates everything you do for her. One day when you’re siblings realize it, it will be too late for them. Xoxo

You sound like my twin!

Bootsiesmom, it also irritates me that one sibling (often a daughter) is expected to do what others aren't.

I am the only daughter, and the only local child. I was expected to do for my mother, told I didn't do much, that my time wasn't worth anything, etc. One brother in particular (interestingly, the "black sheep" while growing up) is the Golden Boy. I call him Sonny-No-Show, because he's gone years between visits to see first our parents and now just my mother. One time I suggested that he do some useless research my mother demanded before getting a more advanced life alert button...I was screamed at that HIS time was more valuable than MINE. My mother was furious at me that I would even SUGGEST that he do something.

My older brother is now retired (as his wife). His wife told me that they would not be involved in any caregiving (more frequent visits), because my parents made the decision for them (brother and SIL) to not be involved when my parents moved to my state (and no, I never asked them to move to be near me; they wanted to escape high-taxation NY).

Now of course this brother and SIL will be the ones to take in HER mother, if/when the time comes. Never mind that this mother signed away the rights to a huge piece of property (with a lake) to the only son and his wife (who is now separated from the son). She cut her four daughter out of inheriting that property. So why isn't the mother going to live with the only son?

My mother told me that, "You don't pay family." That's HER belief. But you also don't make one family member do more and then tell them their time is worthless and insist ad nauseum that the trust will be divided four ways (I have three brothers).

Too bad, Mom...one of my brothers now controls the trust, and he is paying me for my time now, PLUS back pay, at an agreed-upon hourly rate. And you will never know. The trust WILL be divided equally four ways, which is what you insisted upon.

Don’t worry. You will see plenty of them once she passes. My advice. Get a court order preventing the removal or sale of anything that belonged to her before probate is finalised

Wow, I never knew how common this is. I am the oldest, the only female out of four. Youngest brother is useless. Lifetime of substance abuse and mental health issues. Difficult to be sympathetic. Next is suffering from the late effects of alcoholism, and feel lucky his wife is caring for him, although she's doing it because she doesn't have to work and is being supported by my brother's pension and social security. She was going to divorce him and then reconsidered and found this course was preferable. The last of the three and his wife help occasionally, but only when it is convenient. They are now taking care of HER father (fell and broke his leg), and have not much time left for my mother. My mother is fairly ambulatory, although she suffers from congestive heart failure, a lung condition (Bronchieactasis), various female-related issues, and now a sprained ankle that she keeps re-injuring. She reluctantly agreed to use a walker while the ankle "heals." I take her to her doctor's appointments (take time off work), and tomorrow is her first PT appointment for the ankle. I do her grocery shopping, clean the house, and help with meal planning, preparation, and cleanup. I live with her during the week and I go home on the weekends. When I am not there she just stays home. I take her to my house for holiday gatherings. She has a handyman to maintain the lawns and fix things around the house. Thank god.

When my grandparents were aging, my mother DID NOT HELP. The burden of their care was mostly on my uncle (her brother).

Top this with my mother thinks the sun rises and sets with my brother and his wife. He's a lawyer, so smart, blah blah blah.

I am angry and bitter that out of the four of us, I am the only one that can be bothered to help care for her. It is not convenient, takes significant time, and I am frustrated.

There's my rant and vent. Thanks for listening.

Hello, I took care of my aging parents for 10 years as well. Once, I asked for help in 10 years and between the three of them no on could help!! Yes, I hate them,bi really hate them. I became physically handicapped in the winter of 2007. The two eldest supposedly took over!! They did such an awesome job that my dad hung himself that summer!!! I have not spoken to either of them for almost 12 years now. My brother threatened my mom after dad died and made her change the will. The two eldest ended up with over $400,000.00 each and my other sister and I got $50,000.00 each. I have quite a few reasons to hate them. Also once mom passed they buried their ashes in a bug ceremony including the entire family except for my sister and I!!! Who does that?!?!? They are cruel and evil people. I have no use for that sort of people! I can't tell you here all they did to me, but I can tell you that if you have negative , evil people in your life sometimes you just need be to eliminate them from yours!! Good luck!

sorry if my comment is passed many years back....but i feel for you too.
for my situation,none is even helping and i was the one that always get shouted and angry with....always looking after her with nobody helping...

I feel you. I have a brother who live out of state and on drugs. He's married to a conniver wife. There's no way I absolutely let him or her come to care for mom. My sister live close by and is selfish and I guess she doesn't want to accept mom's dementia and never really care for mom since she was young anyways. Mom has been good to her children throughout the years...maybe just a small mistakes she made wasn't so bad after all. My sister did one big mistake she made that my mom forgave her so. The same goes to my brother. I'm the baby...I'm the one who's caring for mom for over 10 years and I'm hearing impaired. Because my sister begged me to come back home in Michigan (we lived in California for 16 years).. my sister promises were never made. I have a daughter who help me care for mom. Mom and daughter lives with me. The house is mine. I asked this my sister....Is it so difficult not to care for mom just one weekend a month. She never made that happened each month. She never step up. I asked her once again. I get a text from her saying "Don't use me as a babysitter, she's your mother" What? She's your mother too. But I didn't say it....all I texted back "Ok, I promise you I will never ask you again". Bingo, for the first time one and half year, my daughter and I manage the whole work we had to go through for mom for love. If we love mom we care for her. Does my sister love her mom? I don't see it...she has proving to me she doesn't care or she just want to go on vacation, hang out with friends. She never really there for mom. What do my daughter and I get ours? Nothing. Only one time my daughter and I went on vacation to Disney World just for 4 days and guess who took care of mom....my sister's husband. Really? My daughter and I work midnights. Mom's home to sleep until we get home from work to resume to make sure she eat healthy foods. She get Meals on wheels 5 days a week. My sister doesn't know how hurt it is to me seeing mom the way her brain work and it's killing me every time I have to deal with it. I love my mom so much I miss my real mom. Mom got ups and downs episodes, ruining almost everything inside my house when she throw the fist. I have no help from her, my daughter is playing it safe and easy for me. You know she doesn't have to do this but she is helping me is not right and sister don't care. Really? And you're right I can't wait to tell my sister how much I hate her as well.

Hello,
I am reading this to see how common the situation with siblings not helping is. I do feel a bit better seeing it’s not just my family! I am one of 9 and have been caring for my mother for over 2 years ( she moved in with me and my husband)
The first year we had a revolving door and our weekends weren’t our own. As people came they would ask “ what can I do? Do you need help.” We have asked for help in different ways and noticed the visiting got less and less! After many suggestions and attempts I had a family meeting ( did not go well) it seems my husband and I are vilified for having Mom and because we asked for help, 2 won’t even come to my house to visit or take her out ,and 2 others condone this by letting them know when she is at their homes so they can visit Mom there! Thank God I have a few good ones I can count on , but because my mother is living with us most falls on us .
I have a very hard time understanding how they think! She raised all of us, and if it was one of them she was living with I would be so thankful and appreciative! I certainly would never abandon them or my mother and do all I could to help.
I thank God for my husband who is truly my better half❤️
He has done more for my mother then any of my siblings in the past 2 years! And when I am feeling down and hurt by them he makes me realize they aren’t worth the space they take up . He keeps me grounded by asking me to remember “ who are you doing this for?”

its 5 yrs since u posted.
Im in same boat. I had a top job while my sister was not working for several yrs. She was staying at my mums house. As my mum alz was declining she refused to assist. I hired helpers but she would bully and boss them around and sometimes fire them. One day my mum called me in office and told me sister left to airport and shes alone. i asked where helper was. she said sister fired her weeks ago. i was forced to quit my job. Im my mum care giver for 6 yrs in her home, while my sister galvants on vacation to europe. she shows up without warning then leaves with a few hours notice. im soooo disgusted by her BS. My life is hell, my extended family stopped calling few yrs back because wen they invited me to a event party i told them it was too dificult with my mum in wheelchair, since then everyone has turned their backs. if i try to call them, its an answer machine and sometimes its a call back 3 weeks later type thing. im so upset that i have gone thru life giving, attending, supporting and caring for my siblings and extended family and now that im desperate for help no one gives a damn.
i just dont understand my family.

I have an elderly neighbor who has Parkinson's. She is 85 and her three sons are in their late 50's to 60. One son who has not worked and lives close by, in fact for free in a home that is her's, has the job of caring for his mother. One of the brothers lives thousands of miles away and the other about 100 miles away. Both work. Both are responsible to their jobs, their bosses etc and cannot just take off anytime to care for their mother. The oldest son who cares for her is very bitter. The history is that she has always done for her children. She's helped them buy their homes, bailed them out of problems etc. Oldest son does not see that what she has done for him is anywhere near what she has done for his brothers. He expects to receive the property he is living in and the other house on the property for his inheritance. The other brothers don't believe that is fair. In my friend's heart she wants to take care of the oldest son (bum), because he has no income, no social security, no retirement and the other two do. What a dilemma. Her heart loves them all and wants to still take care of them all. A mother's heart always wants to care for her children. They quarrel and get quite ugly around her when they are together. She cries about them. She worries that they will hate each other and not have anything to do with one another when she passes. Which is probably true. I try to console her and tell her she can't worry about that. She is pretty frail and has trouble talking. Oldest son is so negative and accusatory. Even about her and to her. He helped when his dad was dying and when her second husband was dying, but she was able to do a lot more then and he didn't have to do much. Now he is confined to her home to be there with her. For sure he needs a break and the youngest is coming for a stay so he can. Even still it's never enough. He's a very negative person. His entire family seem to almost walk on eggshells because of him. Yes, maybe the brothers could do more, but he also needs to be more understanding of their obligations and that he doesn't work and his mother feeds him and houses him. Such a quagmire.

Im so sorry for what you guys are going through. I just started taking care of my mom along with her granddaughter whom she raised and had better sense and im hurt that many family members whom she took care of, open her doors and home for, fed them, raised them are now not offering even when i asked not helping. My brother who lives not far from my mom the one who told me and has always told me we need to take mom to your house or mine to live when she was not so ill, is now making all these excuses not to care for her. I have a family and have been leaving my daughter with her brother to go over and sleep over my moms cause she doesnt want to leave her house and i have a full time job. I heard of family behaving like this but said no not my family, and here i am in the same boat. Im so hurt. But i can rest assure when my mom passes my conscience will be clear, but theirs wont. I found this program called freedomcare where family members or friend can take care of family and get paid for it, so her granddaughter can get paid for it. I feel so bad in my heart that she stays some nights and very grateful for that even though she expressed to me that she feels children and not any other members of the family should care for their ill parents. And in one part i know shes right but her brother n sister have smooched off my mother for years and her brother still lives at my moms and offers no help or money. I feel that all family should help especially her children of course and the ones that she took care off like her grandchildren whom by the way dont work and have been and still are smooching off her. Just needed to vent. Thank you in advance for your opinions or advice.

This is a personal choice you have taken upon yourself as a good daughter, but you cant hold others to your same "MORAL VIRTUES" its obvious that they don't have or didn't have the same relationship you had with your mother. I'm in the same boat as you Its been four years I've been taking care of a fully disabled Mother, I had to give up my business my wife passed two years ago and i was going to travel the world when I got a call to come home Mom was sick i was in Spain, I flew home been here ever seance.

I am the youngest of 5. I grew up adoring my siblings. After seeing how they ignore my Mom, even on her birthday and The holidays, I have lost all respect for them. It hurts her feelings and I'm tired of making excuses for them to her. I always knew I would be Mom's caregiver and I am greatful I can help her. I just can't seem to let this go, being so disappointed with these selfish people.

I am so happy that i have found this forum, i dont feel so alone now. about 10 years ago my parents were no longer able to live on their own, I moved myself, my husband and our 3 kids into their home ( the home i grew up in also ) at that time my husband and i loved the home so we purchased it from my mom and dad. my brother made sure it was appraised and that real estate agents and the appraiser gave the same same market value of the home. I bought it for the full market value, my mom then gave us each our piece of the pie. I was the caregeiver for my parents for the last 10 years, my mom went to dialysis every other day and had trouble walking, my dad had early on set dementia. We made it work with the help of in home nurses, my husband was a god sent. 2 of my brothers live in a different province then us so it was hard for them to visit but they called ofent also financially they are in no position to help out. My parents got their pensions and helped out as much as they could, i took care of all the cooking cleaning etc............my one brother however literally lives 10 house doen the same street as us. over the years as my prents conditions worsened his visits and phone call diminished. I found my self arguing with him and his wife about the fact that they do not visit and it makes my mom feel horrible. the last 2 years my moms condition was really bad and my dads dementia got worse. I work a full time job as does my husband and we have 3 kids between the ages of 10 - 15 years old ( now ) to raise. My stress level was high. my mom got teminally ill back in January of this year and was in hospital until she passed away on February 10, i took a leave of absence from work so I could be with her for as many hours as possible during her final weeks. my husband would spend as much time at the hospital with me as he could, helping me move my mom and just keeping us company. My 2 brothers got on the first flight possible to come home and spend time with mom ( it took them about a week to get here ) during this i had at home my 3 kiods and my dad who needed some help with dinners each day. I knew my brother that lives near by emotinally could not handle spending much time with my mom, i asked him for help with our dad and my kids, just making some dinner for them. He said he couldnt help out he was to busy. i made it all work out with the help of some good friends and my neices and nephew. my passed away. As soon as my other 2 brothers arrived they really chipped in with taking turn doing the night shift with my mom at the hospital and cooking meals at my house and caring for my dad. my mom passed away. our family come together at my house the day it happened all of us except the brother that lives down the street. i planned the entire funeral, i paid for the entire funeral, i asked him for some help finacially ( he is well off ) and his wife said she would take to him about ti but she was sure he would help, he did not help at all, i paid for the floral arrangements from his family and for the car that would be driving his family as this is all provided by the funeral home and the cost is all combined, he did not even offer to pay men back for these items. to make a long story short i havent seen him since the day my mom passed away ( almost 2 months ago ) He has a horrible relationship with my dad ( as all of us children do ) so he will not stop by to see him ever. i am still caring for my dad. i find myself filled with hatered and resentment towards him, i need advise on how to get over this.

I'm sorry Auntiedodo...get this my 50 something ( I've gone no conntact) older brother lived with my mother for 28 yrs, she raised his 2 children that he takes credit for...kept a job maybe 6 mos then out of work for 2yrs...rinse repeat...mom would have me take her to her drs apps and he was upstairs asleep...she would get angry at me...you know because I breathe air and proceed to tell everyone who would listen that I did nothing for her...never came to see her and was a horrible child...he once screamed at her for spending "his" inheritance when she purchased new windows the house desperately needed...she's leaving him the house because I have one and she onced loaned me money that I paid back twice 5 times over not to mention the thousands upon thousands I have loaned her that she conveniently had forgotten about because family doesn't screw over each other...and nothing was written on paper...I swear I am not making this up...it gets worse but I won't bore you all...just venting... ;)

Kimber166 - I applied for Medicaid before she was discharged and they denied long-term care because she has not been admitted to the nursing home for at least 30 days.

I’m afraid that now mom has a place to live, Medicaid will not approve a nursing home without another health event.

Princessblue - apply for Medicaid for your mom - get her into a nursing home & then go travel.

I had to move to the same city as my mother seven years ago after her husband died. She was reasonably healthy then and still driving, but once she had an accident it was clear she needed to stop driving. Sold the car.

I started visiting once a week to take her to lunch, but her health started declining and it turned into twice a week and then three times. I did all her grocery shopping, laundry, and meal preparation on the days I visited. Plus, during the summer, I was mowing and maintaining her 1 acre property. All by myself and while I was working full time. I have two brothers who live within 150 miles and they never once offered to help. It was always one excuse after another - and the one brother calls my mom no fewer than 3 times a day - every day. The other brother is useless.

I am since retired and newly married, but mom was dumped in my lap - with nobody asking me if it was ok - after several falls over a couple of weeks. Took her to ER by ambulance because my husband and I could not get her up from the floor. Got the hospital to admit her and she went to rehab.

I was hopeful that this would be the event that could keep her in the nursing home, but they released her after 17 days because that’s all Medicare would pay for. She was in no way ready to go home. So I had no choice than to bring her home with me.

She’s been here two months and gets PT twice a week, but she has the beginning stages of dementia and so there is that now.

There is always excuses from my brothers and it’s months between times that I can take my mom up to leave her for a visit - just to give me a break. Because of a government program he is in, he is not allowed to have anyone stay with him for more than a week at a time. We used to be very close, but I am finding that I am extremely resentful that this has all been thrown in my lap.

My new husband and I had planned on doing some traveling after he retired in September 2017, but all of this started in November and now we can’t go anywhere or plan anything together.

It isn’t fair and I’m damned mad about it!!!

I can totaly understand. I'm in the same situation.
Zero help or understanding from my 5 siblings.
Unfourtunatly they will be who they are and it is impossible to change them.
Forget about them. Your just using up energy on somthing which sadly is very very very very common.
One sibling does everything while the others do nothing and have no idea what you do as a carer and maybe not even care. Sorry but this is just reality.
Its my reality and ive just come to except it as much as it makes me furious and feel unapreciated.
I'm sorry your going through this. Wish i could help.

Auntiedodo, I am sorry for the great disappointment your family has caused you.

"and now WE INHERIT equally!"

Do you expect your sibs to give up their inheritance to give to you, since you were Mom's caregiver? Or part of their inheritances?

No, it is not fair that you get nothing for all your time and money. But why aren't you also mad at your mother? Why did she take advantage of you and not attempt to compensate you for all that you did (and that your sibs refused to do)?

More and more, I think people shouldn't agree to caregiving unless compensated in some way by the parent. And the compensation should be in the here and now, and not promised in some future inheritance (which might be taken away if the parent ends up in a facility on Medicaid).

Dear Auntie,

I am so sorry to hear everything you have been through. I know you were incredibly selfless and caring for your mum. I'm so sorry how your siblings have let you down and hurt you.

I know some parents believe the money should be split regardless. And yet others believe the child that has done more deserves more. Its so hard to discuss these things openly.

I'm so sorry all of us have had such trying times with our siblings. And experienced so much hurt.

Thinking of you.

I’m trying to keep a relationship with my older sister but my resentment is so deep. When my father died, almost 14 years ago, my younger sister took my parents checkbooks, bankbooks, etc, and told Mum SHE would control he finances. When Mum refused, the younger sibling cut her out of her life completely, and cut off the grandchild from seeing Mum. After six months of living alone, Mum fell and broke her pelvis. She called me, 3 hours away. My husband drove us to the hospital, left me there with the car, and rented a car to drive back home because he had to work. I stayed at Mums hospital bed for 30 days. When she was discharged she ASKED to move in with us...of COURSE we said yes, she’s my Mum! We took care of her for six years until she remarried and moved across the country. Two years later her second husband died and she BEGGED us to move and be near her. We sold our house at a huge loss, hired a company to move everything including vehicles, and moved. For five years we cared for her almost every day. No contact whatsoever from the younger sibling or grandchild, and my older sister would call maybe one a week, put the phone on speaker, and talk 60 seconds, she would fly out to visit one week every year.   Mum was so hurt! I was there almost every day when she had to move into Assisted Living, I cared for her when she was sick and we took her to doctor appointments, the ballet, symphony, meals out, road trips, etc, all at great personal expense. I let my older sister know that she needed to come out when Mum was dying, and she and her family did. Mum died, and now WE INHERIT equally! I busted my butt for 14 years, never any acknowledgement from my family, no offer of any financial help. I’m angry and bitter...it was long, hard, difficult, and exhausting, and my Mum was not always nice. I DID NOT CHOOSE to be a caregiver, but was asked by Mum. I will never have any contact with my younger sister and am considering cutting off all contact with my older sister....

You are right about expecting nothing. Personally I am happy about nothing. It is the put downs and criticisms on top of nothing that make it hard for me. Vulture in a tree, drooling of it could, making a big show of caring, and wanting to save money and get all the inheritance, though they haven't lifted a finger to help. I'll be happy to get through this without being charged for misuse of mother's money, though I have poured $1000's of my own into her care, and sis complained about having to spend $10.00 once, though she is very well off. It reads like a bad novel.

Well, driven by frustration, I simply googled "when siblings don't help with elder care". I needed to find some data that related to what we are currently going through with my MIL. All I have to type now after reading many of the post's on this blog is OMG! My consolation prize is knowing my wife and I are not alone. As a matter of fact we are in pretty dang good company. The range of emotions from one comment to the next strikes many nails self-driven into our heads so to speak. I suppose we will rock along working with one of five of my wife's siblings that help care for my MIL. Her Will is written, so my wife's deadbeat sibs & their spouses will continue to perch on a tree branch like vultures waiting for their dear ol'Mom to kick the bucket so they can rush in and collect. Obviously, she is worth nothing to them alive. I wish my wife would stop waiting around for them to care.

This is "lighter" than most of the beefs on this thread. But many have expressed that they can relate: OH HEAVENS, the mindless insistence on a certain brand or quality of consumer good. Sometimes a brand that no longer exists!

When my mom was in her 30s, she started the rant of "when I was a kid, candy bars were only a nickel and the chocolate wasn't full of wax like it is now."

Fast-forward a few decades. Holy heck. Only THIS orange juice and only THAT toilet paper. "Nobody" has given her a satisfactory haircut (for as long as I have been alive). EVERYONE else's living room furniture and dining room chairs -- including mine -- "hurt her back." Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Also -- not the most gracious receiver of gifts. Many thoughtful gestures (from many people over the years) were met with "I don't have anyplace to put this." Or "But these slipper-socks don't have any tread on the soles." Or "My sister is allergic to XXXXXX" (even tho the gift is for HER, not her sister).

To be fair, mom wasn't a total harpy. She just had "her things." And as mom's world shrank her long-held preferences seemed larger -- in comparison.

Sigh. Getting old sucks. And fussing about Hershey's kisses and polyester-blend whatever ain't the half of it. 😞