My brother and sister don't help me take care of my mother. I hate them!

Too much pain, too much inconsiderate humans walk this earth. My advice for those caring for ungrateful parents.. take it or leave it.. if the parent doesn't deeply appreciate you and what you do and I mean appreciate you verbally, in writing or in any other way you deem acceptable, then stop. It is that easy, it's as easy as they are rude or ignorant to the sacrifice of you. Just because they are old does not make them impermeable to the repercussions of their actions. Need I remind you they have lived their lives up to this point of needing care under their own will and choices... you (myself included) are not being given nor respected that same right. We have one life that we know of on this earth and this crap is not what life's about. There are enough ways to get them the care they need, enough calls to make and enough power you actually do have to turn the h*ll around and walk out.... that is if you really do want to be left to your own life and you actually do want the freedom to live it. All the "yeah but she or he won't be cared for as well if I stop and leave " .. ok so maybe not but who's gonna be there for you when you go down if you don't stop this insanity now... is this where you really want to be in your life is it? I've taken serious steps to get clear and it's not been easy on my soul nor time nor finances But I'm stopping this crap and the brakes have been applied for the last months and it's working ,,,, so if you want to do this forever then keep it up,,, otherwise start applying the damn brakes now because it's a heavy long train and it takes some time to stop it,,, but, it's stoppable. Like it or not, I had to understand I put myself here because I'm a pretty cool human who hates seeing selfishness and hates seeing any human in real genuine need and so yeah I stepped up when my mom was one of those   .. but what I didn't expect was the very deep ugly dark narcissistic self serving animals that do come out in families when the calls for help go out ..and that was mind blowing to experience within my own family.. that hurt worse than the financial destruction (really because money can always be made but trust and love, once gone can't be rebuilt to its original state after somthing like this)  .. ... siblings older and younger that were once coveted and protected by me have become despised hated strangers ... people of whom I loved so much in the past that the word hate was nowhere in my vocabulary when thinking about them .. but now, that childhood ideal and connection is severed and permanently broken and my hate, is as real as my love for them once was .. hate replaced the love because of what they watched me go through without lifting a finger or placing a call while I took on full financial hit and full care of our in common mom. ... So yeah, I finally woke up, stood up, brushed my a** off and said no more ... I can care about her wellbeing, still check in, but not have her, nor the narcissistic animals ruin my life any more. I still hate them and I'm cool with it, but I put the brakes on the "caring for parent train .. to live. 

For those here that provide meals for their parent(s), if your parents are able to afford it, seek out a meals on wheels program or community service program that will provide/deliver meals. I order frozen meals for my parents through our community service program and deliver them to them once per month. This has worked out well, freed me up a lot to do other things and look after myself a little more.

I'd go for the divorce if I were you, Candi.

Same thing here. Caring for my father in law in my home for 10 years and no help ever from his 2 other sons. I have been hospitalized 13 times in 10 years and still had to come home to care for him. They didnt even bring him a meal. I never in my life thought I could hate, but I will hate until my father in law passed. I also hate my father in law for dividing the inheritance before his death or paying for any of his housing, medical expenses and such. Yes, my husband took his share, but i hate that my father in law didnt use it for a home health aid. 10 years of this and the last 6 years I dream daily of my death or divorce.

My mother seems to find fault with everything I do when I visit her, and I can't seem to please her. One small example: she told me she loves Hershey's Kisses with almonds, so I was at a store where they didn't have Kisses, but saw some chocolate-covered almonds and bought them for her. She didn't like them even though they taste (and crunch) almost identical to Kisses, without having to deal with the wrappers. I ordered a special bedpan and had it delivered because she says the staff "stole" hers (o-kay!!!!??) but apparently I didn't get the exact model she had in mind, so that was a loss as well. I don't remember if I even got a thank-you for either attempt to please her. But after several more instances like that I realized I could not please her and quit trying. I find that they will abuse and disrespect you as long as you let them. I always feel like it's a competition between my sister (her favorite) and me and my brothers. I refuse to be drawn into the game. I live 800+ miles away from all of them so it's easier to bow out since I can't be there much anyway. My husband and I run a company and can't get away very often. But when I spend $1,000k on flights, hotel, car to go stay with her for a week and devote every minute to taking care of her every need, including wiping her rear-end, I'd like just a little gratitude. Instead, I always leave feeling disrespected and unappreciated. And then a month later I hear from my brother (that I'm close to) that I have been accused behind my back of hiding something or stealing something. Last visit I purposely never went into her apt (she was staying at a rehab wing recovering from broken bones after a fall). My niece had the apt key and I was glad that I had no access to the apt. unless I asked her to let me in - only way to assure I wouldn't be accused of something. My sister had asked me to come stay with my mom for the week while she went on an out of town trip. So I did, not for her, but glad to be able to spend some quality time with my mom without her "precious" hanging around. My sister works hard to make me look bad to the rest of the family. I am the most affluent family member by far, but I get treated with disrespect and am accused of doing ridiculously petty things - like hiding valuables in a file bag, or stealing items that have little value. I have NO interest in my mother's JUNK. I think it's a bad case of projection on my sister's part. But she can convice my mother of anything so I have to be careful. Then I hesitate to call my mom when I know my sister might be there...my mom has to show her undying devotion and loyalty to my sister by treating me like a "less than". I witnessed it for myself during my visit with her...my sister called my mom while I was in the room and as I was sitting there, she told my sister: "I" went for a nice walk up and down the hallways, "I" went to visit a friend down the hall, "I" had a nice bath, "I" went to the dining room, etc. without ever mentioning that I had wheeled her around to do all those things in her wheelchair and spent every waking hour with her. But not a mention of me, except that she did tell my sister that I was just getting a small taste of what she (my sister) does for her every day. That told me all I needed to know. I think it bugs my mom that I don't need any of her money - so she can't control me like she can the others. She expects everyone to kiss her a$$ to "earn" their inheritance. The 1/4 share I would get at best would be a fraction of my annual income, so it's not enough to matter to me, but it is huge to my financially challenged siblings. I would just like to have a nice healthy relationship with my mother for the last few years of her life, but apparently I can't have that either. So my message is that there are always two (or three) sides to every story and siblings that back away - I think many times have good reason to do so. This same sister barked at my brother: "I'm in charge of Mom 's money!!!" So he has backed away as well. And my mother wonders why her other adult children rarely call her. Putting my sociopath sister in charge of everything was her first mistake. My sister would love it if every one of us siblings backed away and let her talk our mom into giving her all the inheritance. She is the greedy one of the bunch.

fedup2017 - "My buisness, health (i went into depression and gained weight from 55kg to 80kg) oh the worse is finacial loss. Its easier to work full time and paying for care. Mum refuses to ask them for any type of help But she allows them to dump their issues on her. Ironic I live in the same house have a breakdown mum ignores it they call dump and she looses sleep over it then wants to dump that on me. They are all finacially secure one even being a multi millionaire but wont even chip in for extra help here. My resentment will not go anytime soon."

Your siblings and your mother think you are not worthy of a normal life. Why is that? I think people on this board should confront their elders and basically demand some things of them. All of these wonderful parents raised the caregiver's siblings to do nothing? Why is your wealthy brother too worthy to be asked for help, while you have lost so much? Why is that okay in your mother's eyes?

I have enough trouble doing the limited caregiving that I do for my ungrateful mother who thinks I'm not worthy...can't imagine giving up what you have.

Thank caring2. I will have to look for this book. I am glad things are improving and you are putting your health first. I know its tough. Its never easy being the dutiful one in the family.

To all of you caring for loved ones without help from siblings, I would suggest that you read the book, "Boundaries" - it really changed my view on the situation. I have set boundaries in place for myself. I had cooked meals for my parents and put a stop to that and order meals through the meals on wheels program (my parents live out of town so I order frozen and deliver them myself all in one go once per month). I still take them to all their medical appts but do not send regular updates to my siblings any longer. This has forced them to call my parents more regularly. Any negative comments from them gets ignored - I refuse to listen to any of it. My health and well being has vastly improved.

I can relate to this post my two brothers and sister are useless but love to be an inconvenience when mum eventually passes I intend to cut all ties with them. I have lost alot taking care of mum. My buisness, health (i went into depression and gained weight from 55kg to 80kg) oh the worse is finacial loss. Its easier to work full time and paying for care. Mum refuses to ask them for any type of help But she allows them to dump their issues on her. Ironic I live in the same house have a breakdown mum ignores it they call dump and she looses sleep over it then wants to dump that on me. They are all finacially secure one even being a multi millionaire but wont even chip in for extra help here. My resentment will not go anytime soon.

Nancystory,
Wow! That is unbelievable she never showed to anything from her dying to her funeral. I hate my siblings so if that happened to me, I hate to say I would be relieved. I dread the day I have to make that call to them. I am the one Mom chose to care for her so they have turned against me and feel that excuses them from doing anything whatsoever. So be it. I do wonder how they live with themselves though. They have no idea how this has drastically changed my life and it isn't a bed of roses dealing with a parent who has dementia. Some days she is pretty good, somedays, well........she does not comprehend even simple things. I have become the parent.

It has been a process but I now take care of myself, in addition to looking after the needs of my elderly parents. I have been criticized by one sibling after they read various updates. She sent me a long email stating what I should or should not do, while not lifting a finger for support. After that lovely email, I no longer send any updates - none whatsoever. And, when I need a break, I send a short email telling them that I will be away and the other three siblings need to be on call :-) It's that simple.

It really is amazing what this new approach has done. Because I don't send regular updates, suddenly they have to be more attentive themselves to find out how things are.

Each time my mother got sick in Florida, my sister would call me and say, Mommys ill. ill meet you there soon. I got there and she never arrived.
I went there several times. The last time I took my mom from the hospital in Florida to my house in New York. That was for over two years I took care of her. Then she wanted to go back to Florida. I knew she could not take care of herself but she insisted on going there....Or she would go when I was at work and get a taxi. One year later my mom got very sick again and I was the only one again to go to Florida. This time my mom was dying. She was in the hospital for one month. I stayed there my sister never came., I was there for the 18 hours she suffered before she died in the hospital the last breath, holding my hand, my sister was never there., and I made the funeral in New York. transferred her body to New York and my sister never came to the Funeral or did she want to make the unveiling, which it is over two years now and Is still did not do it because Im embarrassed that my sister isn't there. ...I did it all., and I was emotionally and physically exhausted and had such pain from it all. Its over two years now that my mom is gone and I am first able to catch my breath a little and trying to digest all of this.

sounds very similar. My dad died six years ago, and My husband and I have had to do everything for my mom. She is in a nursing home now, and I am still the one (the youngest of four kids) who visits her the most, talks to her doctor regularly and keeps track of what goes on at the nursing home. My siblings have not let it interrupt their lives at all. I have one sibling that has stolen money from mom and dad and plans and goes on vacations every few months. You will have no guilt when your dear mom passes away. My heart goes out to you, you are a great child. This time will pass, and you will be glad you took care of your mom and did the best you could for her. Try to focus on that and your siblings will ultimately have to live with themselves. Try to seek out your church or support groups if you can, and try to carve out some time for yourself. Hugs

Me and my parents have not heard from my sister in 20 something years and my stepbrother we have not seen or heard from since I was a child. When Mom passed away me and Dad still heard nothing from them. I was waiting on them to show after all of these years with their hands stuck out. but it didn't happen this round. Most likely they are waiting for something to happen to Dad before they try to weasel their way in my direction. I have nothing for either of them and the only person I feel sorry for is myself because I have taken care of both of my parents alone ever since I was old enough to do so even if it had nothing to do with their health and illnesses. I just want just one of them to show because when they stick out their hand for me to put something in it, there will be nothing but air and I am going to say you get what you give and that is absolutely NOTHING!

Well we are batting 100. MY MIL did not even get a phone call from her two daughters on Thanksgiving or Christmas. We took MIL to my daughters in Virginia on xmas. Her Oldest daughter, age 61, commented on Facebook, "nice picture", when my daughter posted pic of us. What the H*ll. I really can not understand this.

Tired1of4,
Amen. You said it as if I wrote it myself. I don't call em anymore either because they know what I am going through and they don't want to hear it anymore, I am the big downer, the buzz kill. Sorry, I cannot put on a mask and pretend all is happy and joyous, that just isn't me. I am no pretender. I felt like I had to put on an act my whole life while I was growing up for not only self preservation against my brother and also to " keep the peace and illusion" that life was normal for survival sake. I guess I am fed up with putting on masks for everyone elses sake but my own. It's just old. So, take me or leave me, I don't really have the energy to deal with fair weather friends anymore. I have my husband so I am not totally alone, however he even gets sick of hearing and dealing with my dysfunctional family. When your life consists mostly of taking care of your parent and your non helping siblings, what else are you supposed to talk about?

... but, as far as the other genetically connected dead beats of mine, theyre junk and should be forced to gain some character, morals and a sense of what's right ... they won't, so junk is junk, valueless ... sad thing is, each one has kids and/grand kids of their own .. meaning my mothers grand children and great grand children 11 total ... I imagine they'll have some explaining (or lies to tell) when their own kids ask "where's grandma (or great grandma.) why don't we see her, etc.

..and I don't hold an ounce of bitterness or even disappointment for them, she's not their mother. The ultimate responsibility is on my mothers kids... 3 of them chose to walk, it's that simple. When an assisted living opens up I'll get her settled,safe, comfortable and start my life over trying to repair what's happened, that's all there's left to do.

Church mouse... I respect your view but I'm afraid it may be a bit too forgiving of people in general. Yes people don't want to be bothered, really they dont ... even if one was afraid of not knowing what to do as you say? I'm a little lost there because the understanding of a parent who can't afford hire in care but needs full time care, the concept itself has no learning curve... the few I've told knew what it meant ... they knew my mom needed full time care, my bros and sis"s have walked, they knew she had minimal income, and either I afforded the hire in (impossible) or a body has to be with her, so who was left, me... their lives are as busy and active as mine was, they know the only way to relief was getting my time back so I can get back to work to earn the dough to pay for it all... they couldn't nor would give their time for my for "my mother" not theirs (speaking of friends or associates here).. so they just don't participate in even a call, nor do I call them for the same reasons They can't do what s going to fix it and they don't want to hear about it either.

Tired, about friends. If they're non-caregiver friends, then no they won't have any idea what it's all about and they may be anxious about what to do or say, and you're right that does make them go MIA. It isn't exactly that they're afraid you'll ask them to sit with your mother, it's more that they don't know what to do and they don't want to get in the way.

My two closest friends, and my good SIL, helped more than they knew just by coming to visit *us*, my mother and me. I suppose it was the glimpse of normality, and the demonstration that they hadn't completely forgotten about us. Not much practical help, no, but it did make me feel more human.

With your closest friends, can you think of any small ordinary non-caregiving thing they could do that would boost your morale? Come round for coffee, call for a chat just to share their news, bring you a cake? If you think it would do *you* good to see or speak to them, don't wait for them to come to you - call them.

.... ...and my mom, their mom, has no estate,zero money, no will, she owns nothing so theres no motivation (like in your case) for them to ever give a sh**. And youre right, no one wants to hear of it, and its not that Ive talked to many people, its that i think people just dont want to hear or even deal in the moment of someone elses crud, so I just dont talk about it .... that's probably why it felt good to read so many thinking and feeling what I was inside. I'm not happy that others are going through this or have, like you telling me you are, because it completely sucks, its so destructive when its on one person.. i dont think anyone should have to do this alone, especially when its all of a sudden, zero planning, zero getting anything prepared for it ... (when you asked me have i noticed friends going mia or silent, yeah, because the minute she needed to be watched after 24/7 my private personal and professional life slammed its breaks on so fast it through me into wall of feeling like i was in prison, still do. No one wants to be asked to help" I havent asked anyone except her 3 other kids, and any and all elder care depts and agencies to beg for help (and nothing) ... but I think people are afraid people in my situation might ask them (like friends), so they stay away. Im just waiting for the assisted living place to call, to tell me they have a room available for her, if I can hold on that long keeping this roof over my, my kids and her head, utilities on, etc, the nif they call i'll get her settled and just do my life over again from scratch and try to re-due everything thats been wiped out. I get a little sick thinking about it, so i just wait for the phone to ring.

Dear Tired1of4, my God, my heart aches for you!!!! You are in one of the worst situations I have heard and I have read and heard many similar stories of siblings abandoning helping the woman who gave them everything she could as children. It is inconceivable, I know. I am the villian of my screwed up family too since Mom chose me to be the one to care for her and gave me POA and a larger share in her will, even though I doubt there will be much, they feel I SHOULD be doing it all because of this. They never did squat for her anyway when she was doing just fine, just hit her up for money and occasionally a worthless trinket here or there for B-day and Christmas. I did not ask nor suggest that I be the "chosen one" but she somehow knew I would be the responsible one to truly care for her when her health was compromised. I have heard it all from them so I know what you mean. They don't for one second consider that I can no longer work full time, have no health insurance, am tethered to home (no vacations for me) basically on call 24/7 for her. They only care about what they are not getting monetarily from her and I am the villian of the family. I say screw em, I will not ask, or even contact them for anything. The only call they will get from me is when she passes on and then I can only dread what will take place in that event. I know it will get ugly but I refuse to participate, I will tell them to go take a flying leap and have a nice life because that will truly be the end of all communications with them permanently. Let them live with the guilt they did nothing if they are even capable of feeling any kind of remorse. They have NO IDEA what I do for her, what compromises I have made in my life for her but I just remember how my Dad left when I was only 2, my Mom left with 4 of us, I had 3 older brothers, one ODed, but she had to go back to work to afford raising all of us as my Dad contributed very little monetarily, she went through hell. We were very poor but she managed to get us what we needed to get through. How could I turn my back on her after all that? No way. My heart goes out to you, hang tough, you will make it because you are made of stronger stuff than your siblings and never, ever let them bring you down because you are the only one doing the right thing, I am just so sorry it has pulled you down so far financially and at the loss of your own business and home. My God how my heart just aches thinking about your situation. How I wish I had the answer for you but sometimes, just knowing you have others that share in your pain to listen is something. Have you noticed friends not wanting to spend time with you anymore because you aren't little Miss "Happy go Lucky" anymore? I have. Nobody wants to hear my life of struggle and strife anymore.

... I know you started this three years ago.. but I want you to know these 515 responses you received about your situation has helped me. Ive read so many of them, and think ive only gotten thru 1/4 of them .... I have two sisters and one brother of whom I can say I genuinely and literally hate for whom they've shown themselves to be thru them allowing my taking the sole hit for being the only one stepping up to care for our in-common mother. One of the sisters, the oldest, gave minimal help, but even then, the minimal and sporadic help (that has since long stopped) was like fricking Christmas, paper goods, food, and a couple bills paid. But since, zip.. nothing from any of them. Ive been sole provider for our mother for working on 17 months now... Ive lost my business, my savings are gone, and I lost my home. I am now renting, and i brought my mother here, she is parked and living in my living room. I was already hand to mouth before she was dropped in my lap by her being wrongfully evicted over a year ago from an assisted living facility after they stole large amounts of items from her storage closets associated to her assisted living apartment, after I filed two theft reports with the local Sheriffs Dept, they evicted her. She had no where to go and not one of them would take her, so I did. I was already involved in her health care to the point of firing 3 docs, helping her loose 80lbs, getting 13 meds removed (down to one) and turning her entire health picture around.. then the eviction. I was just opening a new store, so even an extra 400 or 500 a month for her food, cable, phone, and her needs (she was living in a secular apartment for a while after the eviction) was killing me and they knew it ... She went from semi ok with lower degree memory loss, to full blown dementia... my care and time-spent quickly became 24/7 with my spending 24 hours a day with her for fear she would wander or do something while I was working with the new doc to get her Saraquil dosage worked out ... All the while I was working with docs, Medicare, Medicaid, seeking any and every possible assistance I could to try to give my "time back, even a little so I could get back to work 12 hours a day (as I was previously doing) to save my business. I am a single mother and was working my a** off to make a healthier future for myself and my sons. She qualified for no assistance... I then had one choice, because her 3 other kids were ignoring all crys and calls for help, the only choice I was facing was a nursing home, which I could not do. She was no where ready to be in that environment, I honestly could not live with myself if I had.. her other 3 adult kids wanted her in one because they all have flat our refused to invest any time of finance into her, or into me for caring for her even though their financial lives are far more healthier, than mine. They even suggested I drop her off" at a nursing facility rather than them sharing time so I could work... They blame me for their attitudes, they tell me "you chose this, you brought this on yourself " yet when we were getting along, they still were few and far between, so Im unclear as to how I suddenly brought this on myself. But now if I do have them respond )such as I called a meeting) Im inundated with insults, incredible insults at that, and the more I begged for help, the more I explained why their help was paramount, the worse they all became. but for teh past 16 mos I was mostly met with zero responses to all emails, texts etc no matter how kind, or angry etc I was, it did not matter the approach. They had made up their mind collectively that she would not be interrupting "their lives, but I was teh one to throw to the lions, and they were all comfortably ok with that. I am even called a narcisist etc by them. They even had the audacity to verbally blame their own mother as she sat in front of them while I was asking them for hep with her, they started blaming her for even "needing help. They were not abused as children, she worked allot, but they were all cared for and loved growing up. I on the other hand left the family many years ago (only coming back to help her health situation) because of the type of people they were to me personally even back then,,not one of them "liked me as a person and they are not quite about that..but I felt they needed to see the care of her far abouve any issues each one has against me.. they disagree, and refuse to in any way accommodate their mother if it means disrupting their own lives in any way what-so-ever. I thought no way in hell would they turn their back on their own mom ...no way in hell. But They have. ...and I hate them for what they've done to me thru it... because it would have taken so little for them all to completely make this situation livable and not destroy me in the process. I just wanted to say thank you, for an indirect "reaching me because I read so many others have hurt like i am. thanks.

Sorry, I do not know how to edit my posts so bear with me to clarify, I am spending time with my bed ridden father whilst watching TV etc. Also, I am giving him his water and meal replacements and snacks when I am there I am there at 3 hour or more stretches. If I had not stayed away from the family they would have tried to make me his full time caregiver so by staying away my sister took up the duty. I did not want to be in that role as I am not well and cannot be relied to be at their place at the same time daily nor can I handle the stress of having my mother's personality interfere with my peace of mind. I literally would love to shoot myself in my own head in front of her just to see if it will finally shut her up. She relied on me to be her surrogate caregiver for her children and I do not have enough in me to battle her as she will only claim I am abusing her as a means of control. I walk in to her home with a tape recorder each time as protection, that is how scared she makes me. She would mess anyone's head up. She nearly broke mine.

To all caregivers who think they are the only one in their family who cares about their parents. Parents who have abused their children verbally or physically in lieu of "discipline" please please realize, that the relationship you had with your parent is contingent on some of these variables: a) Your birth order, your relationship with your parent will be different from that with your siblings and that parent may not have had enough experience to be a good parent in your case or had other stress in their lives at the time when you needed to be treated gingerly which they did not know how to handle. b) Your individuality quotient, some parents want their child to be a clone of themselves, and if you don't fit into that mold, well...the parent may have rejected you to a point and therefore your siblings will see you as the "lazy" one for staying your distance. Meanwhile you can't fathom the idea of having to care for such careless parents. Unconditional love is taught and it is also self taught, so staying your distance might be a way of trying to develop some kind of fondness that does not exist. It worked for me to a point, I disappeared for 7 months and then one day, I felt like calling and visiting my parents, and now my sibling who did not have to spend umpteen days away from elementary school like I did, to care for my mother, is now taking care of my father's personal hygiene needs like I did at the tender age of 10. The parent who I had most issue with became a bit more docile due to my absence...but, keep your distance or "boundary" as they will revert to their former practices if you give them too much and if you are sensitive and are not quiet able to say "no"...they will take advantage of you. Trust me. This is a time of learning to be freed from the past issues and understanding that you have the right to help or not help out and how much help you are willing to give. My father is my sister's favorite parent. She goes over twice a day for about an hour or half hour each time, cleans him up and leaves. She takes my mother shopping on weekends and lives only 10 minutes away. I visit and clean the kitchen or bathroom. I go over and watch TV or listen to music, and watch Youtube if I feel the need to check in on my father. I go over when I am feeling cheery and energetic. My sister seems to think that makes me a lazy so and so. I feel she needs to go see a shrink and resolve her propensity for grudges and remembering misfacts and spewing them forth as if they really happened and for maligning me and making me out to be someone I am not in my family and in the community at large, bordering on Libel and Slander, unfortunately I am not living in the USA. Albeit, I know that it is her own anxiety that makes her hate me so much, she has turned my nephews against me and I don't have kids of my own so I feel like as if I am a shunned Mormon or Amish. Yet, her sons are not paying rent like I had to at their age living under my parents' roof so she can't be all that bad. If only she'd talk to me.

My younger sibling has called up the agency that visits my father and told them I have some mental health issues (um, my mother abused us all but I am the hypersensitive one in the family, first born and her first stab and bad parenting). My one sister has told the agencies she is the rightful "Power of Attorney" yet my mother insists no one has been appointed. My father has settled into his state of immobility and since he lost the use of his legs in January he has adapted and now is beginning to joke with me when I visit. He is very lucid and except for the usual short term memory problems seems to have enough cognition to know what is going on. Since my sisters have been maneuvering into taking over all care of my father, and eventually his assets and my mother seems to be hedging her bets towards the younger siblings who did not get as much messed up "upbringing" as me, the first born, I decided to stay far away from my family and that included not visiting my dad. My mother was extremely abusive verbally and a control freak and used the old "elder abuse" title on me as a means of getting me to back off about my father's care. He had been diagnosed with Dementia and recently with cancer and she wants that no one interferes in his care or miscare, as her control issues deigned that she not tell us she had fired the people who came in to clean him up and he ended up with a huge bed sore on his back. I went to a Justice of the Peace and got a form filled out that deemed him to be incompetent in making decisions for his own care, so that I could force a wound nurse to come in and debride him before he went septic. My mother was convinced he would die soon and I guess I disappointed her thus the move to make me out to be the abuser. She is very manipulative and scares me, as she has stolen from me evidence I had against her to prove her lack of empathy for my father let alone, for her own children. Now, I have been told by her that I was written out of the will. You might think, I don't love my family, I think, it is very hard to be around them due to their disrespect of me. I feel sorry for them. My mother might be Borderline, or worse and had been given EST in the 70s to get her out of her depression. Didn't work much and I was caregiver to my siblings. Please, do not cut out your siblings who do not help out. Call them once or twice a month and let them know what is going on. Make them feel included, eventually they will come around to help. Stop being greedy and trying to jostle for position. Consider if you have a parent who has turned you against your sibling out of her or his own egotistical insanity. Have you been divided to be conquered and controlled? Or are you the freak who is trying to divide and control???? Look inside. Be real.

I'm in a bit of a different situation. Have a bunch of siblings - some live nearby (within 40 min drive) and one out of town. My parents give me money every month to cover food and gas costs and maybe a bit extra. The unfortunate part is that my dad tells everyone he 'pays' me to help them. So my other siblings are in no rush to pitch in with anything. One visits maybe twice a month (if that) for an hour or two and the rest they rarely see. I was told by the one sibling who visits the least to just ask for more money if I feel that I'm doing too much. That is not the point. I want everyone to visit with them and pay attention to them - maybe take a meal along to ease the burden on myself. It's frustrating. There are days I feel so discouraged from the lack of support.

Well, as someone who has dealt with elderly parents for twenty years, with no help from one of my siblings at all, I can relate.

My younger brother got a ton of resources from my parents - which my stepbrother and I never got - on the agreement that he'd care for them as they got older. He walked away and left them literally on our doorsteps while he took off with the money. I've made a point of not asking him for anything in twenty years of dealing with this out of my health and my resources, and recently he would not even bother to send us some paperwork to help satisfy one of mom's old creditors - "Not my problem"


My advice? Don't let anyone tell you that your hate is somehow wrong, or unworthy. The hate is there because someone in your life is using their freedom of choice to restrict yours. The people who tell you caregiving is your choice are absolutely correct. You don't have to do it.

Likely the reason that you choose to do it is because you simply feel you could never turn your back on your loved ones in their time of need. Your siblings have made their choice, too. They simply don't care. They will give excuses to make themselves seem less selfish, less cruel, and less uncaring. They will say they simply have their own limits and cannot do what you have chosen to do.

But, in the end, it is all nonsense. Because *everyone* could do something. They choose to do nothing. And in choosing to do nothing, they limit your choices.

It's true that you have a "choice". But the fact is, by not helping out, the other family members are limiting your choices to - A) care for your folks all by yourself, with no help, and limited resources, and B) be like them and turn your back on the issue.

Honestly, I think many of these people - and I *know* my brother is in this category, and I'd bet your siblings are, too - wish that we would just walk away like them. You see, then they wouldn't go through life having to think of themselves as slackers, parasites, ingrates, and everything else that goes along with being too lazy, too weak, or too selfish to even make an attempt to help. The fact is, as much as we resent them, they resent us for showing them in their true light.

Someone once told me that when my brother looks in the mirror, his reflection is ashamed to be seen in his company. I bet your siblings are the same. They also told me that you don't forgive the people who have done you wrong, you forgive the world for the fact that these people exist.

And you forgive yourself - for not recognizing them for what they really are, and failing to dump them sooner!

I would hate them too. And Rosey is right, they will probably be at the funeral "grief stricken" phoneys looking to get attention from everyone. Be prepared, they will be around when she passes, looking for what they will inherit.
Its very sad, and it seems to happen much too often. There are kind wonderful people like you, who care selflessly with little reward. Then there are those who are so selfish they don't even have the ability to feel guilty for their actions or lack thereof. Hang in there. You are the angel here.

Bleedingheart,
I always feel like I am supposed to do more even though I am juggling my work, my home life, chores, taking care of Mom's needs, husband, pets, the never ending list of things that need to be done and I just don't have the time or energy sometimes and it is frustrating. I told Mom the other day I would trade places with her in a minute! LOL!!!! She gets to just relax and enjoy and have everything done for her, wish it were me! Yet...........I feel guilty for taking time for myself just to relax even though I realize it is important I do so for sanity sake, I still feel bad that I am not spending it being productive. Must be that darn Irish Catholic guilt I was brought up with that I can't seem to shed! The most important of all is never lose your sense of humour, I find that to be my life saver at stressful times.