My brother and sister don't help me take care of my mother. I hate them!

I care alone with the help of my husband my 88 year old mom full time. My siblings are toxic and i have nothing to do with them. I used to let them visit and call but now i dont. Mom is all i can handle. I dont feel i have to do anything for them. Am i obligated legally to have contact with them. Mom cant on her own so i would have to cooperinate. I dont have time or patience for them. They dont ask for years how she is then boom all of a sudden they are a pain demanding we inform them and drop everything so they can talk to her. I now let hubby handle it. He has said to call him and he will inform but they need to take a regular interest not just once every 3 years and then wete supposed to stop and update them. Am i legally obligated to have contact with them. Even mom doesnt really want to talk with them.

Hubby having cataract surgery next tuesday. I guess it is his turn, so, I am glad he is having it done.
The ophthalmologist said it is "brown"........no wonder he can barely see. I do all the driving.

After he had the vitrectomy to repair a macular hole, the cataract surgery will be a walk in the park.............I hope, and I know he will be fine.

Mom will have to stay home and wait... she is doing better at giving us space. I am thankful for that.

No we haven't told her we want to go visit Warwick NY in October. As well as Patterson and Wallkill. The least time we give her to stress ahead of time, the better it is for all 3 of us.

Oh, I overhauled her closet yesterday morning, and we were both WIPED OUT, hahahaha...............she had forgotten she owns a whole left side of a wall to wall closet full. So, shopping in her own closet was fun. Pushed the winter coats, etc, to the farthest wall, and packed the scarves, winter pj's, etc., since we are melting slowly here in Cali. Crock Pot on slow roast till about mid Sept.........

M 8 8

Hi!
It went well!
Exactly what I had read here, so I was prepared.
Therapist said first time in the office is for gathering data. However, she's kind and empathetic. I liked that.
Too many issues with me, but not necessary to come once per week, but every other week.
Our first real session will be next time, 6.30.16
I attempted to give her a "hug", and I could tell it was inappropriate, due to the context of the relationship between patient or client, and her.
She was polite.
I didn't cry --- this time.
I felt relief as I was leaving the office.
My hubby is so patient and supportive.
Mom has been behaving BETTER, -------she heard me telling her shrink that she "is so bored that she clings to me too much."
I cannot believe I had the opportunity and courage to speak up to her shrink, in her presence.
Well, the pressure has eased tremendously. I believe she understood or realized it was happening.
I thank God for the first bit of space in five years!

Mom is very intelligent, and she doesn't want to burden anyone.

The dementia kicks in, and the incessant repetition of the same stories begins.

I have noticed that she picks the same clothes every day. This is new.

She had dressed in solid black and I said, oh no!, went to her closet and did some changes.

I teased saying, are you in mourning mom? NO!

She forgets to open the left side of the closet where all her suits and light jackets are..........

Generally speaking, things are going well.

I have lots of catching up to do with the discussions here,

Hugs,
M88

Mu88, Are you seeing your new therapist again, now that you have had your well-deserved meltdown?
Take 3 deep breaths.
Feeling better now?
Say to yourself: "Nothing bad is happening now". It is okay to lie until that comes true?

My new therapist asked me: "Any siblings?".........................I took a deep breath, and stated yes one.
HOWEVER.............she is awal since 4-1-2011, no idea where, with whom, no calls, she does not even know if mom is still alive (91).
Therapist: "What do you mean?" "You do not know where your sister is?"
Me: Exactly. She used to live with mom, until she could see the very beginnings of the decline............(We lived in different countries). So, I GUESS she decided she did not want ANY part of ANYTHING and left. An 8 page letter awaited mom on the dining room table after mom had spent a 1 month vacation here with me.
Therapist: "Did YOU have a close warm relationship with your sister?"
Me: No, never. She is 6 yrs. older and my mistake was I was born and wrecked her world.
Therapist: "Explain that."
Me: Well, she was the only child, center of the universe, and then I show up! In her view, to totally mess her life up."
Therapist: "Did you play with her, read with her, do any activities with her?"
Me: Zero. Nada. Zip. I could not even borrow her toys.
..................................................................................................
Summary:

I am GLAD she stepped aside, stepped OFF, stepped AWAY, because even though I am alone in mom's care, it is better than if she were involved. She has a Science Degree, but cannot tie her own tennis shoes if her life depended on it, hahahahahaha....................
You know, those people that are brainiacs, and therefore stupid? Yeah! She will be 61 yrs. old, and who knows ---------she had no friends, no relationships, no boyfriend, much less a husband------------She hates the entire world and its inhabitants for she is so mega superior to all. UUUUHHHH, I'm scared........ha!

Honestly, I am glad she does not have anything to do with us. I have PLENTY with the care and decisions that need to be made; thankfully, mom still fires with about 1 spark plug at times, so, all paperwork is done.

Burned out, yes!!!!!!!!!!

She wants ME at 100% of the time, wants to know what I am doing .........aaaarrrggghhhh................and then hubby comes from the other side asking me what's my take on taking a vacation in October for 11 days to go to the East coast...................WHAT!?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Yeah, that just happened about 1 hour ago. The 3 of us live together. He says that we can ask M.... and Y...... to take turns in being with mom.

And now I need to take my own advice, which I posted here a while back, when someone wanted/needed/deserved a vacation and was GUILTY AS HECK for even thinking about it (like I feel right this minute?????????)..................and I was one who said: GO!
GO!
GO!

How do I eat my own advice??????? 2 lumps of guilt and 1 of creamer???

I know what you guys are thinking....................I am thinking the same, but even the thought of TELLING mom our plans makes me feel AWFUL............she gets hyper anxious knowing we will be gone, and (like last time it was for 1 weekend), when we got back, she did not even know we were gone for 2 days..................

Meltdown here in Central California........106°F expected for today..............

Meltdown with mom and hubby coming at me in stereo, but what´s new....

M 8 8

JulieBell4444, it's been three years since your original post. I hope you figured out what works best for your situation. I have been a 24/7 caregiver for my mom who is bedridden from a brain/head bleed and has worsening dementia among her other complicated medical problems. My 2 brothers do not help at all, one of them has even gone out of his way to not help (moved out of my parents house, refuses to drop off a relative who lives with him and was helping me care for mom). I hate and resent them and always will but I've learned the the energy it takes to try to change them or make them realize their faults only makes me bitter and angry which effects how well I can care for mom. I've made my peace with the fact that they will never help and its "easier" to plan and figure things out without relying on their help at all. I know I will not regret anything after mom is at peace and no longer with this world. All I want is for her to feel cared and lived for during this difficult time in her life, she deserves all the love in this world. She is a great mother and wife and I owe it to her.

Genegieve7, I am only half through my day; but, you have made it worthwhile already. Your "soup" made of all the suggestions your friends here made came out a gormet recipe, made especially by and for you. I am so proud of you. You were able to look back and see the good in situations, and I think that's a lot of what life is all about. You have made my spirit soar today; you should be very pleased! Bless You!

You can tell from the comments the people that actually care about their parents and family, and those that make excuses for why they don't help, didn't help or are completely indifferent to their family members suffering and commitment. Like the one guy who starts off his ignorant post with "you sound like my sister", what a psychopath.

The fact is there will always be better people who go the extra mile and dedicate a majority of their lives to making other people's lives better, and there will always be the lesser people who make excuses for their behavior and lack of compassion and support. In the end you have to do what is best for your parents and yourself, and leave the heartless and worthless siblings to their myopic and worthless existence.

I wish you the best and peace of mind and heart with dealing with all these issues, and I wish I could knock some sense into the narcissistic and selfish people who leave the burden of taking care of their family to other people. In the end you cannot help them be decent people, they were simply born broken, and the best thing you can do is cut them out of your life completely and try and fill it with people who are worthy of your love, time, and good heart.

Dear all, I have been thinking about this involvement and lack of involvement of sibs for quite some time as they have seemed to think all the responsibilities rest very naturally on my shoulders. I have protected both of my brothers from bullies when they were little; somehow I was a larger child and full of spit and I knew if I didn't pummel them into the ground they would just pop up again. But that protectiveness of my brothers didn't extend into adulthood as now I just see them as shirking their duty to their parents. Right to Chari7 and Golden23 and luckilu, that we must stand up to them and not cower, and we must use positive visualization. Not to get all biblical on you, but one image that has helped me is the passage where it says if you feel hatred then just heap love on the head of your enemy, the enemy will feel the love as though it is burning coals. Just keep loving them. I keep trying, but can't help seeing them as cowards and shirkers of duty. I will keep trying. Oh, also, I found the advice of stand up and say very assertively and firmly what it is you need as the caregiver. Yup. I tried that when I was cleaning out parents' home which was filled with filth. I insisted that all of them come over and help out and miracle of miracles they all showed up even though some of them were only there for a couple of hours and they still showed their cowardly ways. However, it gave the chance for me to see the bright spot of my nephew who totally ignored my sib insulting my dad, and took baby wipes and thoughtfully wiped every speck of dust off their furniture outside before putting it back in, and it was he who suggested putting both parents in the same room so my mom could gaze at my dad who was dying. I never would have seen that gentle and incredibly sweet side of my nephew otherwise. And I can see that it is he who will be the caregiver for his ungrateful and selfish parents.

How old are you, Galoshes? How old are your sisters? What happened to you that you almost died? You sound like you really have a lot of responsibility on your hands!

I don't worry about how much my sisters help. I almost died twice last year and still no help. But it doesn't matter. One of the sisters used to criticize me loud.mean.hateful.ugly. She thought I didn't help enough. Enough equaled, the amount SHE thought I should. We don't get to determine how someone else lives their life. I had to take over the care taking because of physical and financial abuse. I wouldn't allow her help if she begged. Mom is much better off without it. I know she would like to have more visits but, again, I can't control that. So, it doesn't matter. Since I decide and volunteered to take the responsibility, blaming them seems like regretting my decision. I do wish it hadn't been necessary, but I have no regrets. They may have regrets, but I don't.

Hi Genevieve7. Your day will come to settle things on your terms just as it did on mine. We are only human and can't help build up anger while these things are happening. Be careful or that anger will turn around and attack you, which is never good. When people ask about siblings, just raise an eye brow and in a cheerful voice say, "I thought I did until mom and dad got sick." They will get the message without you seeming resentful. Don't do anything that would hurt your parents while they are living. Then, work out a way that will get the resentment and anger out of your system...short of you know! That's illegal! Do something that will show them that you got the blessing that they missed of being close and caring for your parents and that they can never call that time back. Or maybe a letter? Some people express themselves better in writing. Give it some thought and try to come up with a way to be above them and a lady but express your feelings to them. Maybe start keeping a journal (for yourself)? My mom used to write me emails in the mornings. They were addressed, "Good Morning, My Rose of Sharon and ChiChi." (ChiChi was her dog who stayed here while she was in AL and who is now our baby.) I kept the emails in a folder. It has been over five years, and I haven't been able to open them yet. I know they are there, though. I am sure you will find your way to express your feelings to others at a later time. I certainly understand how you feel, though. I didn't have siblings, but I had some feelings to get out of my system! Maybe our other posters have some more suggestions for you?

Genevieve -you are not alone, and sometimes those uninvolved siblings also criticise what the caregiver is doing. I feel like I have no family though I have a sibling. It seems all she is interested in is what she will inherit once mother dies. There are many like that on this site, and some who have been shocked at sibs with whom they thought they had a good relationship. Maybe that is what you referred to as dysfunctional families being like normal ones. I hope in normal families sibs are supportive, but maybe not. I am sorry that your sibs are so uninvolved and that you carry the whole burden of caregiving your 2 parents. That is a great deal of work. I applaud your commitment to them and hope that you are looking after yourself and getting some help so you can have a break sometimes.

My siblings would only care to be notified if one of my parents died. Then they would make some pretty high and mighty sounding speeches at the memorial. They send responses to my emails about parents that indicate they didn't really read them. They go off traveling wherever they want, while I have taken a leave of absence from my job and essentially stayed with my parents for a year of torture. Don't get me wrong, I love them. But I did want my siblings to at least participate. Them participating is like me pulling teeth. I honestly feel that I have no siblings anymore. When people ask, I say I have them, but they are uninvolved completely and have been for quite some time.

I am an only child and of course had the responsibility and right to make all decisions for my mom. There were certain people that mom really loved and would have been upset if I had ever said anything to upset them. They were sweet to mom and faithful to visit; but, when we were alone, they unloaded on me. They didn't like the facility, the aides, and on, and on, and on... There were times when they were visiting mom that I took a walk or found some coffee just to escape. After mom passed away, I collected all of her stuffed animals and things to donate to their church and asked the man, who happened to be the pastor of mom's church, to meet me for coffee. I gave him all of the things for the church. While we were having coffee, I told him I was carrying a burden that I had to get off my heart and I felt as if he would understand. So, we talked about the things that had upset me and made me so nervous that I had to leave mom's room sometimes. I also said he was free to share what we were saying with his wife, because a minister's wife needs to know how to be with the public and not to offend the parishioners. I also said to feel free to say anything to me that bothered him. (BTW, I had known them for a long time, and I knew my parents and that they were very close. This was very difficult for me.) When I finished, he said he was sorry I felt that way and they didn't mean to overstep their boundaries...after all, she was MY mother. We talked about a few things. We cried. I thanked him for the love they had shared with my parents. We ended our conversation with asking if there were anything else between us that needed to be discussed. There wasn't. So, we hugged and left the restaurant. Evidently he didn't tell his wife what we discussed, because she hasn't changed. I am still friends with both of them, though. As a matter of fact, he is helping me with his truck with my decluttering project. That's the way it can work with people like them. I am generally a reserved person, but there were other situations where I had to use tough love. One of my cousin's fiancée was sneaking cigarettes to my mom, which could have gotten mom kicked out of the facility. When I was called while they were visiting mom one day, I told the aide on duty that I was on my way. When I got there, they were leaving. I told my cousin, I didn't want to see him OR HER on the premises of the facility again. I also told him why. I told him I was going to leave word for the police to be called if he or his fiancée were seen trying to see my mother. I told him I would take out a restraining order if I had to. Needless to say, there was no contact between him and me for a long time; and, she still doesn't speak to me. As I explained to him and he understood, though, he would have felt the same way if it had been his mom. So, different strokes for different folks. Bottom line is to primarily protect your loved ones, but take care of it out their presence if at all possible. Caretaking is not for the weak of heart!

Lucky, I have been researching a site, kickbully that discusses bullying in the workplace-some ideas may be good for personal interactions between you and brothers.

I only use comebacks when someone is criticising me - they seem to come quite naturally when the coven start! For anyone who doesn't know me the coven is my mothers circle of church friends who deem it their right to tell me what I should could or ought to be doing when non of them ever visit or telephone her.

Perhaps visualisation would help. You need to see in your minds eye the scenario and practice saying - out loud - since you have no idea of the work I do your comments have no significance or whatever it is you say. If you want my honest opinion what you need to say is this:
I need a break a two week break to recharge in order that i can care for Mum.

Now you know and I know that will be met with raised eyebrows and various objections. Whatever their argument is keep repeating yourself

Say: Regardless of your comments I need a two week break and Mum (or you) have to pay for it

If they say no way then you have to play hard ball and say if you cannot support Mum for 2 weeks between you so I can have a break then she has to go into a home.

Keep seeing the scenario and keep saying it until you are saying it confidently.

Then call em in and go for it

Whatever you do don't go into the comeback scenario from the get go. If you want something say what you want and state why you want it and keep saying it

I wish I did better standing up to my 2 brothers but every time I do,I get nervous and shake like a leaf.They have always intimidated me and ganged up on me my whole life.I shouldn't be this way because Iv'e done nothing but work my tail off for OUR Mother for the last 9 and a half years straight while they never lifted a finger.I usually bite my tongue but if anyone Does have some comebacks,I need some too...Thanks to Sarah.....

Or my fave ...until you put up shut up

Try heres a dime go phone someone who gives a d@mn about what you think (or however much it costs to make a call in USA)

Anyone have a quick witted comeback to say to them if they question the way you have handled the situation, says they have to work (even though so do we), Or just basically if they whine or pout about things in general.

make sure that if you are the caretaking child,primarily,that ,the checking,&saving accounts have your name on them as well. also, find an elder care attorney to assist with helping you in planning for the future,Wills cover certan things,,,,,,,,&they don't cover others,if divorce is in the family,or if there are grandchildren involved,and the grandparents want THEM to receive monies or property,this type of attorney is quite knowledeable,also,get all documents in order,and make sure they are in ONE location;make a list when the time comes:who to cal,the name & address of the funeral parlor,bank accounts,account #'sthe kinds of accounts they are with the phone #'s & addresses,insurane policies& policy #'s,along with phone &fax #'s....this may sound trivial,but when my mother died,having this list was a GODSEND!!!Because NONE of you are in the clear frame of mind to deal with this,also make sure you order more death certiticates than you need,for all of the aforementioned paperwork. I hope this helps.

I was mostly a single caregiver for my mom and gearing up for my father, I prayed to God for giving this opportunity to me, I do it as if I am the only son, though we are three, I don't care, they even took most money that parents had, to my surprise father loves them more then me when they come coz he sees them less often, I am on a single track mission to take care of him, I look inside and feel I have strength to to do it, that's what I need. Good luck guys and gals for this unique experience.

OMG totally was in the same situation for five long years (mon-sunday) almost 80 hrs a week. My four siblings did nothing. I have two near meltdowns and it was like hell. Thank you for posting this i thought i was alone. My mother has since passed and now i am (out of principle) looking to recover my care costs ect... They still refuse to accept the situation i was in by totally ignoring it

Oops! Again. My phone keeps skipping and sending itself. If
It hadnt been for them dont know what i would have done. But what i finally realized was again, i had no regrets to live with. I did what i could. THEY ARE THE ONES WHO WOULD HAVE TO LIVE WITH THEIRSELVES, WITH THE REGRETS IF THEY EVEN HAD ANY. I NEVER FORGAVE THEM BUT I CAN BE AROUND THEM AND BE CORDIAL TO THEM NOW. AND now im going thru this with my mama. They including her sister's 2 cents being put in just want to put her in a nursing home. I will not allow that to happen. I dont work anymore, so my daughter and family are going to move in and i am going to move in with my mama. We have talked and her response to the question " What would you prefer. Her answer, she would rather remain home if i could take care of her and really meant it. With the options i gave her and one being if at all possible she would never be in a nursing home. So that is what im doing. Moving in with her where she would be happier and more comfortable. Even thou she will eventually not even know where she is. But the main thing, please remember, you will have no regrets to live with, but the others will. Hope this will give you something to think about going thru this situation. It has helped me but it took me many, many years to think of this and it has finally helped me.

Oops! Sorry. My phone is going crazy. For up to this point. I am so thankful for my husband and my 2 daughters, young at the time, and both my husband and myself worked.

I had to put up with no help at all, no moral support, when i took total and complete care of my dad. I to hated my 3 siblings for many years until i realized something. I have no regrets. I was there for my daddy, i did everything i possibly could for him, even though he had absolutely nothing, including insurance, or a dollar in his pocket ez except for what my husband put in his wallet so he would have something. We almost list everything we had worked

Gabe,
It seems that your sister is obviously overwhelmed, husband, kids, mother and I am sure she is expected to be the caregiver to all of them, i.e; making meals, laundry, cleaning, etc. I can relate except I thankfully chose not to have kids or I think I would be in the looney bin right now! Both of my brothers DO have time to spend with Mom (who lives with me) and one was showing up regularly which I gave him credit for until I found out everytime he was here, HE was extorting money from my Mom from free lunches to helping him financially. It never was just to spend quality time with her. My other brother shows up twice a year, once for Mother's Day/Birthday since they are days apart and Christmas. Am I angry? Yes. Do I talk to them? Only if it is absolutely necessary. They both live close by and one has been on disability for over 15 years. I have never expected them to contribute money, I manage Mom's finances to make sure she has enough to live on comfortably and I have to work part time to take care of her so now I am the one who is personally broke all the time, I have just enough to pay my bills. I would be happy if they just came by once every few weeks to take her out and give me a break but it never happens. Instead, I am veiwed as the bad one because they think I am getting her money. She does help me a bit for all I do for her but it is very little, it would cost her 30 an hour for outside help, I know this because I am a caregiver part time for a company that only pays me 12.00 out of that 30.00. I wanted to learn it so I could save her money and she wouldn't go broke within a few years. I have no freedom, no money and lots of responsibilities so it is hard not to resent my brothers. If they came to me and asked what they could do to help, I would be ecstatic! Unfortunately, one wants to take her $$$ and the other thinks she should be in a nursing home even though she spent her whole life working in one. Maybe you can arrange to spend an evening having dinner with her once a week or something since you cannot afford to help financially. Take her out on your day off once a month? It seems time is what you may be able to offer even if it is in short intervals. If your sister sees you are making an effort to help however you can, I would hope she would be glad of this and encourage you to do so. I do not know how she works but that is the best solution I can think of. Be her ally and hopefully things can change, hell I would show her your paycheck & your bills and say, "As you can see, I just can't afford to help but I can help with giving time so you get a break." Sorry for the long winded answer Gabe, I try to look at both sides of a situation and being a Wife, Mom and caregiver to a parent is an enormous amount to deal with, especially when you are going it alone. Try to look at it from her perspective and then you can talk to her with more empathy. Hope my little sermon helped!

Sorry, i meant to type that I kept my silence for 14 months, not 1.