"Sorry, I'm not coming."

7 years ago I hosted the LAST family Christmas Party--guilted into a huge blowout by mom who mourned that all our old traditions were fading away--

well, that's what HAPPENS. Families get so big they simply implode!!

I blew the bank and my sanity on a huge party, to which 75 people were supposed to come--about 25 came, most of the younger ones ate and left as soon as possible. I was so flipping mad at my family....after the 'party' was over I took my sibs into the church kitchen and said "I'm OUT forever. You want to get together? Go ahead. Invite me or don't. I will NOT do this again!!" I didn't cry, I swore which is worse!

So we have never had another family party since. Aha. I was the glue and I just. could. not. do. it. anymore.

I'm so sorry you went to so much effort for someone who doesn't care. My DH got pretty tired of me crying every year too...but that was all his mom's awfulness. I don't do holidays well.

Thanks everyone for your comments, I have had some time to think about it and yes, we will no longer be home for Christmas. We will elect to see family in the days either before or after, but this forced ‘we have to be together’ terms of the holiday is just too much anymore.

My mother has health challenges which once again she used as the excuse not to have to get herself ready or dress herself or go anywhere or do anything. But as I said if it’s an appointment she makes every effort to get dressed and makes sure to tell me what time I have to have her there, or if it’s somewhere she really wants to go, she knows exactly how to order me to “get the walker and let’s get going.” I have to accept that no matter what I do I cannot make her happy - in this case by putting on a spread for Christmas, and I am also not responsible for her to be happy.

She spoke to me later and she knew that I was hurt and upset and in her usual way told me to just get over it and forget it, and I suspect today she will be very angry with me because even as a child I was never allowed to show emotion. Knowing she has upset me, she will spin it around and make it that my being upset BY her, now upsets HER.

I expect a lot of verbal abuse today because of it, but I’m ready. I will be speaking to my older siblings about this today and will approach the subject of stepping down as executor and POA. Nothing is getting better and I think I need to walk away.

It breaks my heart to read that you have cried for the last 25 Christmases. I think many folks have unreal expectations when it comes to the holidays, and that of course can lead to huge disappointments. Please quit setting yourself up for these upsetting times. Either start planning your holidays around those you know will come and enjoy, or you and hubby just plan on doing some outreach things in your community, like serving at your local soup kitchen, delivering meals on wheels, or whatever else you might enjoy. I would venture to guess that if you do those things there will be no more tears, and you will actually have a wonderful time.

I am with my mom every. single. day. I live 8 miles away and am over there to clean, help, take out the trash, move things, "do this.. do that." Because of this she could in some way be considered part of the household, and in the "bubble."

She and I both test every two weeks and we are always negative. I would not be around my mother if I were at risk, or to put her at risk. Ever. I work with frontline workers. I have listened to them. I have stayed home every day. I work from home, I do everything from home. Hell, I don't even shop outside the house.

I wanted my mother to have a nice Christmas. That's it.

As for sociable, my mother has always thought that we should come to her, and gather around and tell stories and laugh and giggle and when she doesn't get that, Christmas falls short of her expectations. There is no meeting them. Ever.

I give up on Christmas. I quit. Maybe even now, I hate it. 25 years of tears is not worth one more day of my heart being broken. I am so done.

The upset of this year has been way too much for me and I'm on overload.

Considering the CDC advice against Christmas, I'm with your mom. Like, don't do it. Use the phone, zoom, whatever. But stay home and save lives. Consider not just ourselves but the terrible battered health workers. Least we can do.

Please keep in mind that many people are not really sociable. They feel they have to have the "Christmas family spirit" but in truth are quite happy spending time alone, doing their own thing. Parties are right down there with root canals. If someone indicates they really are not eager to accept the invitation, then why press them to?

As for past Christmases - my family used to entertain relatives, neighbors, a real crowd. I loved the religious aspect of Christmas, but after Midnight Mass, the rest of the holiday was just drudgery, cooking, cleaning, washing dishes, cleaning up...You get it I'm sure. Best Christmas I had was sharing a pizza with a few friends. Taking an afternoon walk, reading a book. Peace. Can I suggest not expecting these kind of traditional family holidays? Why not make it about you and your husband, immediate family. But none of this, gotta go because it is expected of me. Take care of you and step back from pleasing mom. Sounds like she doesn't really understand appreciation of all you do.

Typically, we would extend an invitation to a particular family member and her responses would progress through something like this sequence:
1.  "Great!!  I'll be there."
2.  "Hey...  not sure about that date.   I will let you know."
3.  "I may not be there"
4.  "I think I can come, but I might be late."
5.  "I may be a few minutes early and I may not stay long."
6.  "I may not be coming after all."
7.  "I will be right on time and will leave immediately when event is over.  Where can I find the best parking so I can get out quickly?"
8.  "Can I drop off the gift next Tuesday instead of coming to the event? 
9.  "Never mind about next Tuesday, I'll be at the party."
10.  "Hate to do this, but I probably won't be there."

I was so taken aback by #7 when it happened that I didn't have a reply at the ready...  she got snippy and officially canceled.

Each step of this sequence would involve a lengthy email to me and she expected a lengthy reply from me telling her that I understood that her needs are paramount and she deserves all the TLC on the planet, etc.  Even after all of this back and forth which took place for every event we asked her to attend, it was still a coin toss as to whether or not she would be there.   The amount of my time that it consumed was ridiculous, but not including her brought its own set of problems.

I had enough when she committed to coming to an event for one of the children in the family and then pulled a flat out no show.  The child was so disappointed and it tainted the evening.  From then on, I started telling relative that she can come to said event or she can stay home, but I'm not telling any of the young ones that she's coming because of the hurt it caused when she didn't show up.  Kids typically adore her and only see the bright side - which was another reason I continued inviting her.

This same person would also go on and on that she has a "right" not to go to something if she doesn't want to go and we should not question it.  She was clearly cancelling because she *could* cancel and not because she really needed to do so - and she wanted to make sure we knew it.  Well, of course no one can force another person to listen to a program at an elementary school...  what we object to is her stealing the spotlight and making it all about HER and whether or not she will be there.  What we object to is the sequence I listed above - and there were variations of it as well.  The TIME she steals from people. (This was every time and every invitation she would pull this back and forth stuff - all for attention.) The disappointment on a child's face at the no show.   Me taking my time to answer all of her concerns about the event - hand feeding her and trying to make the whole thing palatable for her - only to have her say (sometimes at the very last minute when her place setting at a formal meal had already been paid for) "Not this time" or "I will not be in attendance."  It's a game to her and it hurts.  I have not extended any invitations to her in several years as a result of this.  There are times when I miss her, but I do not miss the process that's involved with seeing her.   Once she had an injury which put her in a motorized wheelchair.  Fine.  Well, she rode that wheelchair all over the darned place and got very proficient with it.  However, she still cancelled on ME and used her injury as the reason.

She is a not totally immobile, not totally disabled 82 year old. All mental faculties present, but has fallen "victim" and I do mean that, to medical issues, some which were preventable, some which were not, but all that could actually be managed (her doctors have told her this) if she would choose to work harder at doing so. She is clinically depressed, has been so for most if not all her life, but says, "I feel fine there is nothing wrong with me and I do not have depression." Does not sleep more than 4 hours a night since she was a teen, "I do not have insomnia, that's just what I do, that's normal for me." And if she is not the center of attention in any shape or form, she makes sure the entire event is miserable.

I'm doing better now, thanks to all of your answers and support. She's put tears in my eyes for the last time. Sorry it took this for me to "wake" up but I did. Maybe that's the Christmas Miracle...

I could see in your responses your regaining your humor. You are correct. You are doing this holiday now for you, but mostly for ANY AND ALL who can appreciate it. I have seen people take their WEDDINGS that others tried to make crap of, pile it in their cars and make a day of it giving things to homeless. You are making memories for your own family.
Someday you will be able to look at your Mom and just have compassion for all she has missed, for all the manipulations and dramas, and look at her with humor and say "Awwwwww, Mom......poor poor Mom" and then you will KNOW you are grown up. When we see our parents as just another human being, more or less flawed, that's when we are grown for good. We can pay that forward to our husbands, our kids if we have them, our other relatives.
My parents used to go to a home for the aged Christmas afternoon. Always. They had an aging Aunt. My Mom didn't have 100s of dollar to spend, but she made beautiful little trinket holders with candies, cookies and off they went to bring joy to others. And did they every have the most wonderful memories. My Mom loved Christmas. My disappointment in myself for not being what she was is one I suffered with for years. Finally I realized, that's Mom and this is me. And we were very different, but always knew we loved one another, and were so lucky in loving one another.

If she can do it herself, ur disabling her by doing it for her. Don't fall into her little traps.

How old is Mom? Helps give us a better idea hoe to reply. A 70 yr old woman is much different from a 90 yr old.

Yes, time to set boundries. Maybe even back off from doing things for her. Call Office of Aging to see what resources Mom can take advantage of. My Mom was easy to get along with but I worked a week on and a week off. We set up a day for shopping and doing errands. Appointments were made for the week I was off. Mom never expected me to jump every time she called. But if she had, it wouldn't have happened. If it was important, yes, if it could wait I did it when I was out.

It broke my heart to read ur post. You must have a great husband. He "is" number one. Plan that Christmas get away for next year. Don't say anything to Mom till you r ready to walk out the door. Or if she asks "what ru doing for Christmas?". If she whines tell her I don't know why you are whining you never seem to want to spend Christmas with us any other year.

People like Mom cannot show empathy. They are selfcentered. They don't care if they hurt someone. The brain is just wired wrong. Next holiday when she asks why she was not invited you can then say "We made a really nice Christmas dinner for you and you couldn't make the effort to come. I wasn't important enough. So, I have chosen not to even go to the trouble of inviting you only to be told you can't make it."

Let her sulk, she made her bed.

All very valid points, no doubt. Trust me, if my mother had incontinence issues, she would have no doubt already told me, explained it in detail, and still found the doctor at fault for not doing enough for her.

Trust me, all I am doing in this case is putting on a nice holiday, and for her that is not enough. It’s not washing the windows, it’s not taking out the trash, it’s not scrubbing the sink that suddenly she can’t seem to do (but I saw her do the other day), and it’s not emailing people about her problems because she doesn’t know how to do it (she does.). You see what I’m getting at.

If it’s not benefiting her in a way that gets something repaired or fixed for free, she doesn’t have much use for me. She needs her house painted, and she’s already asked me if I could split the cost of paint with her. She can afford it, but, it’s not my house.

”Well one day it will be.”

So sorry you are upset.

I hope you could push it aside & enjoy the day regardless.

Your Mother didn't come. Whatever her reasons, she CHOSE not to come - it was her loss. So be it.

There was a other poster who had this happen over & over. A MIL that went everywhere she wanted but pulled out of family events at the last moment. It seemed it was part lack of planning to get there on time, plan a 'nice' outfit, physically put on the
outfit (instead of loungewear) + incontinence issues. Possibly some vanity & pride surrounding not fitting into her 'nice' clothes & being too proud to wear incontinent briefs & embarrassed she couldn't manage the family toilet (may have lacked a grab rail).

I reckon Barb is spot on with the BM guess actually!!!

Going into the future, Mother may fess up what the actual reason on the day was. Wouldn't that be nice? To have a real honest relationship - no games. I wouldn't push her but maybe start a calm chat & see if she responds.

Based on what info you gain about today, you can plan next year appropriately.

But next year? That holiday sounds great! Do it! Seriously. 😁

Thanks AlvaDeer, after yet another pep talk by my husband I’ve pulled out of it. This is not totally unlike her, but she sometimes will at least say, "Let me see how I'm feeling," if she thinks she may not make it and we plan for another day or a loose relaxed gathering later. This was tinged differently. She didn’t want to hear my upset. She didn’t want to hear my disappointment. “Well, that’s the way it is,” like I’m 5 years old. My house smells fantastic, and I have counted my blessings all day - kept my job, kept my health, more or less kept my sanity, I’d be a stupid fool to think that she’s at her house lamenting what she’s done. To her it’s just ‘oh well, another day.” Too bad. She has fallen victim to her new health challenges, but does nothing to try and improve them, or work with them (they are somewhat workable). Her mantra is, “None of these doctors are doing anything for me,” to which I retort, “what are you doing in between visits to help yourself.” Crickets.

I chose my husband when I married, not my mother, and I’m making the side dishes to what can only be the meal of the century he’s making. And the Christ of this day is probably shaking his head saying, “Sorry kid this isn’t what I meant the whole day to be about, but it’s 2020, chalk it up to that.”

I have though, basically given up on the expectations of this holiday as of today. 25 years of having hurt feelings or crying, I need to be “the change I want to see,” as they say. But if she starts the “I’m all alone and no family comes to see me crap,” she’ll wish she didn’t have hearing aids.

The big question I'm asking myself is, "who am I doing this holiday for? For other people's memories, or mine." Because my memories right now are getting massively crapped on. People pleaser me.

Is this surprising behavior for your mother? That is to say is this out of character? Has she never done anything like this before?
Was your mother the only one coming to a Christmas you spent several hundred dollars on? Were there no other family members there to enjoy Christmas despite your mother's surprise trick?
Had she no explanation other than "nope, not coming. You have a good time"?
As to being finished with caregiving, if this is typical of your mother's treatment of you, then I sure do agree with that decision whole heartedly.
As to a Mother changing my Christmas for me when I had lovingly prepared it and spent 100s of dollars on it? Nope, that wouldn't happen. Nor would I rob my family of a joy in Christmas to see me sitting in tears. So I hope you recovered yourself and made it a joyful holiday for your family.
I myself don't much care for all the hoopla and expectations out of Christmas, and I never ever did. This year is the first I could use Covid as the excuse to say "Money is going to Charity, cards in the mail, lights in the window, and I am just doing whatever I please, enjoying myself. 78. Time to do it MY WAY finally with even the grandkids grown. My Mom loved Christmas. While she was alive I did it her way for her. My family other than one daughter loves it. I did it for them for many many years. Now, not a matter of being unable to comb my hair, and as to money someone else chooses to spend on it I wish they sent it to Charity. And it's my turn now; I have a big corned beef boiling away, and have had a great day.
Take heart. Many Christmases ahead. If your holidays are full of happy memories just count this as the odd one out.
Midkid, who is a believer, today posted something about how this Birthday of the God she believes in, the Christ, has kind of come to this. I am an atheist, so I kind of wonder why for 78 years I had to celebrate the birthday of someone I believe was an ordinary (if very good) man.
I think any one of us could write a whole book on this holiday, and what has happened over the years. You have a doozy of a chapter for today, so just look at it this way.
Sorry for the tears. But the day isn't over. Put on some gorgeous music and get a nice glass of wine or cuppa, and put your feet up. Smile. If no one has Covid today, the rest is gravy.

I love your idea for next Christmas HadItUpToHere!!!! Seems like there's so much disappointment surrounding the holidays every year for SOME reason, getting away to Vegas or a cabin or the desert sounds like the perfect escape.

I would take that any day over clinical depression and narcissism, which is where it comes from for my mother in my case. Odds are, she's been stewing at home over there not being enough phone calls or attention in some way getting her needs met. It would be a joy to have to wait around on her to poop if that's all it were. If she were afraid of messing, I'd rip out the carpeting and get tile floors. Hell, I'd put it on my electronic calendar so I'd know at least what time dinner would be. But to promise me all week and then, "nah but you have a good day," too much. Entirely too much. It's like she wanted to be sure it got ruined.

There will be no more invitations.

I went through this with my mom and my cousin went through it with her mom, my aunt.

Eventually we figured out that this had to do with "fecal incontience" or "I haven't had my BM yet today".

I am 67 and I have started to plan my days around when I poop. Because if I don't, I am sometimes caught needing DESPERATELY to poop and if I don't get to a toilet in time, I end up with a mess.

And if this is happening to healthy me at 67, how much more so our moms at 85 or 90.

It took an awful lot of investigation to find out what was up with my mom. Once the poop issue was out in the open, we were better able to plan going out AND she was able to say, "gee, I haven't gone yet; need to wait 1/2 an hour".

Thanks lealonnie1. She has you-know-whatted in the cheerios for the last time.

I hate being so upset in front of my husband. With the plague this year, he and I test every two weeks and we've been negative every time - like many he and I both believe we had it in January / February before testing started. I had every symptom including loss of taste, got winded walking, you name it. Nevertheless we are still careful, and it was going to be a somewhat important christmas with it being such a crappy year.

If she wants to miss out because putting on grown up pants is too much trouble, then she's going to miss out on one hell of a roast my husband is working on.

I'm picking my chin up now. Husband and I also decided that next year when the plague is over (and it WILL be, I have declared it so) starting next year we are not going to be home for Christmas. Either in the desert, a resort in Las Vegas, or a rural cabin in the mountains that gets no cell service and I'll be forced to read books the old fashioned way.

Thanks for the support.

Last year at Thanksgiving, my 93 year old mother cancelled at the last minute; we had reservations at the Chart House in the mountains for a lovely Thanksgiving lunch; traditional turkey dinner, soup to nuts. She wasn't feeling good, which is her standard excuse for bowing out of everything, and I said fine. We went without her and had a better time, as a result. There was nobody there complaining about everything and attention seeking at every turn. Everyone was relaxed and we enjoyed our meal for a change.

This year, there was no invitation to Thanksgiving OR to Christmas, thanks to the plague.

When our mothers make up excuses for why they 'can't' join their family for gatherings, there's no guarantee there will ever be another one.

I am so sorry you are crying. Please do not let your mother know that you are; being made to feel guilty for something that isn't your fault is wrong. Don't pick up the phone for the next few days. Hurt feelings ARE allowed, whether your mother approves of it or not.

I hope you can have a nice Christmas in spite of the drama. Don't let HER win.