You all have it I know or you wont be here. This is year 2 for me and he's not a bad guy it is just we are different in many ways. It is starting to grate on me and I am becoming a very grumpy person. My wife and I are stressed, she has a lot of stress at work. I work at home so I am in it 24/7. We don't have a lot of money to travel and I can't leave him for very long. I can but not sure what the house would be like after. I cook, shop, repair and do all the things around the house, My wife cleans and keep an immaculate house even with 2 dogs.
Dad can come and go as he wishes. It is just he is complaining to relatives ow so I am looking like the bad guy. If I say anything I am really in trouble. It has always been this way. I learned from my mom to keep my ears open and mouth shut. If I tell a relative they tell him. if I tell him he tells a relative. If I say anything to my sister she tells him so I am screwed.
I cant post a message on social media he finds it (sneaky ways he uses the computer). So I am apparently blackballed from the family per sea. It is my assumption but since no one calls now I can only figure that. How do I get info to family that he is not being as forth rite as he portrays? We are all over the country, one sibling and I do not talk (damage done years ago). The other its all about her. Its the aunts and cousins who I guess I don't care but it does sting that I bust my ass and he has to look like the spoiled child.
Losing my cool way too much (it is in check just inside my head).
Do I ask my sibling to take him for a month this summer? If I do she will make it seem like I am asking a favor and will tell him I asked then I look like I am booting him out.
As far as my wife talking to her, no, that ship sailed when the clean out was in process. My sister can say some mean things and my wife has a habit of not forgetting.
Right now with dad away some pressure is off, I have been so busy with work. Now with my daughter and husband in the house (supposed to be temporarily) we have a different issue. He has been binge drinking every day and tonight I have to have a talk with him before everyone gets home. Apparently when I was away this week he disrespected my daughter and my wife due to the alcohol. I will direct him to some professional help before this gets out of hand. We all drink socially but when it is a rack of beer a day and starting at 6 AM wasted by 5 PM it is not a good thing. Or its most of a rack of beer right after work and all night. He had a problem before the wedding and I thought he had it under control. I have to now remind him he is living in my home and there are certain choices he has to make. I really hate living in crisis 24/7. I am very protective of my daughter and I am not getting in the middle of their issues but when it involves my wife and my home we now have a problem. looks like I have to be the "FIL" and have the respect talk tonight........ Sandwich generation........
My sister called and asked "how was my break going"? Really? You look at this as you are doing me a favor? I guess this is how divorced parents deal with things? She says to me, "Dad is cooking dinner for us every night, walking up and down the stairs and walking everywhere, of course I have to walk the stairs with him"! Really? First of all he never cooks here unless it is for him, he never even offers, second we have a mile and a 2 mile loop in the development he can safely walk every day, he wont even walk to the mailbox without making it a big deal. He loves to put on a show, how about you take him for 2 years and see what it is like.
I get tired of the show, he called me while she was in the car and made a big deal of what I pay for sat radio for him, he never knew how much it costs.."Take it off my car" he says... Oh he knew, he was again making a big deal in front of her to show how much he cares.... How about you buy some food for the house once in a while...
Sorry, venting again. It would be nice if she took him for a few months. No mention of his dog I have to care for. Oh well enjoy the last week I have.....
They lived with her for nearly 10 years. Never any help from the rest of the family. Just constant criticism. Finally, they announce to the family they were taking a 3 trip to get away. Brothers and sisters were to step up and take care of grandma.
Well, the whole thing turned into the family explosion of the decade!
So...my parents announced that they were moving out. (Even though it was their home). They were leaving at the end of the month and the family had better figure it out.
A huge pow wow followed. The cousins accused my parents of abandoning grandma. To which my Mom told them to put up or shut up. Either they have grandma move in with them..or they keep their two cents out of it.
The result of all this was that grandma moved in with her son (my uncle). This lasted just 1 month before he found her a NH and moved her there.
When you back them up to the point of. ... OK. You take him. I'm done. Most will become very quiet and stay that way
Do you think the medical/alcohol problems were also part of the reason Daughter & SIL needed somewhere to live? And were they frank about what was going on at the time, or is this only coming to light now?
Hit his head how? Before any of us is inclined to narrow our eyes at this young man and think harsh thoughts, it will be worth checking out what is cause and what is effect. For example, he could be still concussed because he hit his head, or he could have hit his head because there is something else going on that caused him to lose balance or God forbid have some sort of partial seizure... How long have he and Daughter been together?
"Winning".... not something I see in my future right now......
I am just frustrated. I love my family but in small doses. My daughter said the other day I will miss him when he is gone. I don't ever wish that and that hurt. It is not that I don't want him here, I am glad I can help him its just meet me half way once in a while. Like today, I told him he needed to buy his dog food..... He needs a bath and nail clipping. "I cant do that until next week when I get paid". Crap, if he took that attitude when I was a kid who knows what would have happened to us growing up,
So here I am in the house all nice and quiet, the dogs are sleeping...... that will last for 2 hours then it starts all over again.... When did I assume to be everyone's caretaker?
I really don't like it when someone tells me I'm going to miss my mother when she's gone. Maybe so, but I miss the life I once had a lot, too. I think people say things that makes themselves feel more comfortable about a situation.
Passed out - hit head - had seizure is, as far as I remember, rather more likely to be had seizure - lost consciousness/fell - hit head; but of course there are chickens and eggs to be put in order here. Just keep in mind, in case it does turn out to apply, that stigma and secrecy can actually cause more trouble than the issue itself.
Nearly 80% of adults in need of long term care depend on their family and friends as their *only source* of help.
The top 3 reasons people report becoming caregivers for a loved one are "old age" (14%), Alzheimer's/dementia (8%), and surgery/wounds (8%).
On average, caregivers provide 25 hours of care each week.
In every single state, the poverty rate among caregiving families is higher than non-caregiving families.
After the Great Recession, 1 in 5 caregivers moved into the same home as their loved one in order to cut expenses.
Nearly half of caregivers have used up their life savings to pay for caregiving expenses.
The National Academy of Sciences reported that caregiving stress continues to impact the immune system for up to 3 years after caregiving ends.
As many as 70% of caregivers exhibit clinical signs of depression.
University of California in San Francisco Department of Psychiatry reported that caregiving stress can take as much as 10 years off a caregiver's life.
Fewer than half of caregivers have a plan in place for themselves.
On top of your dad, you are also living with a daughter who is married to an alcoholic husband. What are *you* going to do if you, god forbid, stroke out?
I am taking one day at a time. Not sure what has been the status of my SIL, hopefully he has not been drinking this week as he promised. If anything it has helped me to not imbibe. Will have to wait for the weekend for that. One day at a time........
Funny listening to my sister and my dad you'd have thought he was running marathons, all he does it sit since he got home..... Always a different story.
If you want him to participate then ask him to *do* something around the house and be *specific*. Learn to say things like:
"Dad, here is a list of things we need from the grocery store."
"Dad, please make plans for yourself for Saturday night from 6 pm to 9 pm because [insert wife's name] and I are having company over."
"Dad, here is the vacuum clearer. Breathing in dust and pet dander is unhealthy. Please vacuum the carpeting in your room."
"Dad, here is the carpet cleaner and rag. Please clean the mess your dog made on the [insert location of mess]."
"Dad, please clean up the kitchen from the sandwich you made for yourself at lunch. We need a clean kitchen to prepare dinner."
Just learn to say the things that you need him to do and stopping wishing for it to happen. He's not a mindreader! You may very well be providing too much care for your dad and it's backfiring on you.
I hope your daughter and SIL can find work soon so you can have one bit of peace back in the house. Then you can figure out what's best to do with Dad. I know what you mean about him not helping. My mother won't even write things on the shopping list. Drives me absolutely crazy.
I support your suggestions.
I was thinking it would be great if the father could meet a woman he was interested in spending time with. That would get Dad out of the house. Wouldn't that be great?
I just had this great fantasy about my own almost-90 year old mother. I would love if some Prince Charming came in and swept her away. That would solve all the problems -- loneliness, dependency, and mostly her always being here. I bet she would feel 10 years younger, too.
But I dream...
I would like it if my dad would meet a lady friend. I did introduce him to one but she is more of a church friend and looking for husband number 3. I have an elderly neighbor not too much older than him who could use the company but I look out for her and her house (yard, snowplowing and repairs) and I don't want to spoil the good neighbor relations that I have with her. Last night I was exhausted. I worked half the weekend and wanted to just relax. I didn't want to make dinner, the kids went out and my wife said to him I wasn't weren't making dinner and there was leftovers in the fridge. He made a sigh and said he had fruit. 10 minutes later he is walking out the door. When he came back I asked him where he had dinner "KFC". I told him we had plenty in the fridge. The man will not eat leftovers unless it is something fancy or is made for him.... Oh well, that is why he has $18 left in his account today and I had to give him some money to avoid over draft (He didn't ask I checked, he wouldn't know if the balance was low or not)).
I have to be a little more nice to him. Yesterday was his and moms anniversary. I cant remember every anniversary and make it special.
I am a bit grouchy lately. My wife and I don not have much quiet time together which is making things strained. We try to get out but it ends up costing $100 for dinner. And I really don't want to have to go away for the weekend to enjoy ourselves, that will cost a bundle.
I try but it is hard, all he does it sit in his living room and yells at his dog from the chair or makes noise when the other 2 dogs come into his room (3 dogs in the house now). He will get up to go out for a Dr apt. or a meal.... My sibling was telling me he was cooking every night and walking everywhere at her house Haven't seen any of that since he got home.
Everyday I get up and say to myself I will be nicer and I will do something with him, but by the time the day gets rolling it is hard to do it. I used to take him out to breakfast or lunch but that was when I only saw him once a month. Now it is dinner every night so there is nothing to talk about at a meal. Plus she hasn't called me since he got home but then again she doesn't call me anyway.
Trying to think of things to do with him, We both like to hunt but I am afraid to take him into the woods as he will fall. I cant take him fishing as he will fall (Not maybe he will did it 2 years ago). All I want is my quiet house back..........
Having a lady friend is not such a bad idea for many older men. There was a man who is now 87 years old. He had been calling me a lot and asking me to go places. He was lonely. Recently he has taken up with his late friend's wife, so hasn't called me at all. They keep company and go places together. She's a little younger than him, so can still drive nights. They've known each other for a long time. Marriage isn't in their plans, but they help each other with the loneliness and boredom. To me it seems like an ideal circumstance for both of them.
My mother is fond of a man at church. He sits with us, but doesn't pay her any mind outside church. Still I know my mother would be tickled pink if he started courting her.
Maybe we need elderly match-making services. Older people don't want to be alone, but nothing is in place for them. It's a shame. I think late-life couplings are sweet if monetary issues are understood.
Dad love to tell stories and they turn into fishing tales if you know what I mean. I have had to block him from my friends on social media as he started telling me what my friends and kids are doing.
It is hard, I know he is lonely, I am giving it my best without going nuts. It would be nice if he helped out just a little like he tells me he does when he is at other peoples houses.