So stressed with Dad living with me, losing ways of coping.

"Things are seldom what they seem;
Skim milk masquerades as cream."

From where I'm sitting, Baby Boomers have been catered to with every service imaginable. AARP. Senior centers. Area agencies on aging. Early bird specials. Discounts galore at theaters and museums. Cruises for seniors. Knitting circles. Bingo, mahjong, bridge, and chess clubs. Gyms offer gentle yoga. Public parks offer tai chi for seniors. YMCA pools have water pilates. Seniors with dogs have walking clubs. Large print editions at the library along with book clubs. And then there are all the volunteer opportunities for seniors in their communities.

I'm usually right there with you, JB, but on this - "nothing in place for them" - I disagree. For a senior who wants it, there's a rich and fulfilling life to be had. Some people whether, young or old, choose to be lonely and then to complain about it.

We are the baby boomers. We're the ones taking care of the older folks. Baby boomers are now the Sandwich Generation.

You are right NYDIL, there is so much in place for older people if they will just reach for it. I really wrote without thinking. It is more of a mental thing, instead of nothing being there. It's like some feel they are old and life is over, so they'll sit in front of the TV and wait for God. Maybe the Boomers will change that mindset. I have the feeling tgengine's father would be active if he had a mind to do it.

I have read many comments here from family caregivers who seem to be overworked and feel unappreciated by the elder who is receiving the care and by the other family members who choose not to become involved. I suppose I am lucky because my mother is in a nursing home. She is over 90, is bedridden, has some dementia, is unable to walk, and has multiple medical issues. I am her POA for financial matters and health care. I am her only daughter. My brother and his family don't really bother with her. Most of the time, they don't even ask about her. The grandchildren do not visit. My brother says he can't visit her in the nursing home because it's "too painful" for him to see her "that way". My family's behavior embarrasses me. I am ashamed of them. They know that I am retired now. They seem to think that I have nothing better to do with my time than go to the nursing home to ensure that my mother receives the required care that we (she) is paying for. I have looked after both of my parents for the past 17 years, while living with them part time and still maintaining my own independent home. There have been hundreds of medical appointments, errands, hospitalizations, daily chores, bill paying, etc., etc., etc.. I know that my parents were grateful for my help even when they did not or could not say so. I know that I have done the right thing by looking after them as much as I have and in all the ways that I have. I am blessed with good health and strength. And I know I have done all that I knew how to do. And I know that should be enough. But, I have to admit, that I still have a deep resentment that my brother who is younger, and is able bodied, goes through life without any bother or inconvenience. He has NEVER said the following words: "You're really doing a good job taking care of Mom and Dad. Thanks very much for all that you do." So, maybe my thoughts here will help some family caregivers to understand that they are certainly not alone when they are feeling tired, and unappreciated. We all seem to have siblings who are content to allow someone else to do the "heavy lifting" and somehow or other are able to put it out of their heads, that just maybe there's something they could do to help, even if they just said: "Thank you. I don't know how you managed to do all of this for so long. I know there must have been times when you needed some help. I'm sorry I didn't or couldn't help you." And if YOU are one of those siblings, try to think about what you CAN do. Can you reach into your pocket, and send flowers to your ailing mother? What CAN YOU DO? Stop sitting on your hands and believing that "everything is okay". Your stupid-a$$ sister is taking care of it. Look in the mirror once in a while and ask yourself who raised you...OH, I forgot, you can't look yourself in the face, because you know who you are......You're the guy who everyone thinks is a "good guy". Step up once in a while, or should I say "MAN-UP". Think of someone besides yourself for a change. Or, maybe just GROW-UP already....

yes I get it. I look back at my previous generations where the parents lived with the children for many years because there were no facilities, insurance or ability to make it happen, You just built another room on to the farmhouse and grandma helped raise the kids cooked or did what ever (example the Walton's (I know it is TV but it does represent a portion of real life). My grandfather did it, my aunts and uncles did it with my great grandfather. It was just a way of life. Somewhere around the 60s that all changed. We have just become accustomed to they will live on their own then in a facility. I don't have that luxury, I have one in a facility in Texas now and one in my home and 2 adult children in my home (temporary for who knows how long). My plan was to enjoy the empty nest for more than 2 minutes before hopefully grandchildren. Such is not the case. I do wish there was a better relationship with my siblings but again such is not the case. One is non communicative and the other while communicates with dad and provides a cell phone is about it. I don know they have their hands full with a mentally unstable relative. As Cinderella said it would be nice to get a thank you once in awhile but I wont hold my breath. As for me I need to lighten up, care less about the messes and the lack of help around they house. After I made breakfast, prepped 3 dinners for the week and then started my day this AM it does get old. I cannot expect my wife to work and do it all. It would be nice to have some help besides 3 more adults living rent free to help out with poop patrol, vacuuming and yard work, meals and general whatever .... I guess I was fooled by the Walton's into thinking everyone would help pull their weight without asking.... so much for TV.......

At a minimum your daughter and son-in-law need to step up and help. They live there - they can cook a few times a week, they can do yard work and house cleaning.

I have begun to ask people to do things around the house. It is easier to generally do it myself in that it gets done the right way. I cant stand dishes being half washed (food left on pots and pans and put away) etc... I am not Felix Unger (although my youngest is) but we keep a clean house. Dad uses a lot of chocolate syrup which my wife uses for her coffee in the AM, he loves to let it run out an not tell anyone, so we let it run out to see what happens. Of course he goes to the store and that is the only thing he bought and promptly put it in the middle of the kitchen island last night for us to see... It is still there this AM. I was buying him the fresh local glass bottle 1% milk. But I stopped and just buy the whole milk I use for coffee. Lets see how long it will be before he buys the 1%. So far this week he has not bought any and he is the one that uses the most. It s the little teat-tae-te goes on in the house.
I try to do as much for everyone but it gets hard. I do all the food shopping, The kids buy what munchies they want or little things but for the most part I supply the food, cook dinner, babysit their dogs during my work day (I could leave them locked up but in the long run this is better for the dogs). I self inflict most of what I do but it is easier than getting all worked up.
Last night I made dinner. I had a meeting at 6 so as I am 3/4 of the way through cooking dad comes down all dressed and out the door "I have a meeting don't worry dinner for me". OK, mom raised me better, its not a big thing but I made dinner based on a certain amount of people. You are here all day with me, see me shop and prep dinner, you think you might want to give me a heads up? At least there was leftovers for lunch (oh yeah the daughter took that for her lunch today).... Again it is the little things. Funny, I had a meeting to go to a 6 as well and I cooked dinner, ate and left it for everyone else.
"let the water roll of the back like a duck"..... I try but no one seems to get it. I guess I will be having a full house for some time because they are not busy looking for a house. I would love for them to buy a house rather than rent (We have a sizeable down payment for them already) but the SIL is not even remotely interested in getting a place, why , he has everything done, shelter, TV, heat/A/C, internet, food.....
The sad part is my wife used t enjoy coming home and me and her making dinner having a cocktail and relaxing .... not so much anymore......

TG, I say this with the greatest respect, you sound like a wonderful guy, but I think you have more than enough going on with your father and it is time to give your daughter and her husband their walking papers. They have been there plenty long enough to find their own place, you said it succinctly "SIL is not even remotely interested in getting a place, why , he has everything done, shelter, TV, heat/A/C, internet, food....." And don't lay it all on him, daughter seems pretty unstressed about the arrangement as well! Give them a firm deadline, at the very least begin to charge them a reasonable amount of rent, not a token amount but a real incentive for them to find something else.

It was my idea for them to move in, a way to get my daughter out of her in laws basement and not as pleasant of a house as I'd like for her (not trying to be uppity, just clean). I am looking for them too but I look back on my beginning we took what we could afford, it wasn't much but it was ours. I am trying as best I can not to stress everyone out. I get my office to myself so I cant complain too much. I could be in a cube farm working for someone else so I have to step back once in a while and think how grateful I am that I can care for people and not have to worry about 2 weeks vacation a year and working a set clock and dealing with office strife and home strife. Just once in a while a helping hand. Guess I have to start barking a little to get attention. It works for the dogs.....

Yesterday dad came into my office and talked, it wasn't long but at least he thanked me for giving him a nice place to live. He was remarking on his walking up and down the stairs at my sisters, he does that here with 2 flights in the house. He was remarking on how he can walk unassisted on the stairs and that his PT is working. So I guess it is a start. I do need to be a little nicer, I am trying. Then again the little thing work their way in.
Started the process to help the kids find their own house to buy. Hopefully this is not just a moon phase.

"I try to do as much for everyone but it gets hard. I do all the food shopping, The kids buy what munchies they want or little things but for the most part I supply the food, cook dinner, babysit their dogs during my work day (I could leave them locked up but in the long run this is better for the dogs). I self inflict most of what I do but it is easier than getting all worked up."

"I am trying as best I can not to stress everyone out. I get my office to myself so I cant complain too much."

" I try but no one seems to get it. I guess I will be having a full house for some time because they are not busy looking for a house. I would love for them to buy a house rather than rent (We have a sizeable down payment for them already) but the SIL is not even remotely interested in getting a place, why , he has everything done, shelter, TV, heat/A/C, internet, food....."

Tgengine, pretend that this was written not by you but by someone else. What would your observations and conclusions be?

You don't want to get worked up. Especially not pointlessly.

And it is only natural, it's even quite nice, to let your children rely on you. You *want* to give the kids a leg up in life. You don't want them to have more of a struggle on their hands than they need to have.

Mind you, à propos, Robert Heinlein said: "Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy." Which is something to think about too. A happy mean is what we're looking for, perhaps.

There's nothing wrong with letting boundaries evolve as you go along, unless you have horribly narcissistic people on your hands, as long as you *do* have some boundaries, somewhere. It's a question of not letting things get to the point - often without your even realising it because it's a gradual process - of where you're being outrageously exploited and taken for granted, in a situation which continues to deteriorate. That's where there's a risk of the whole thing going horribly wrong and people getting hurt.

Keep checking with Mrs TG, I should; you and she together, minding one another's backs, are the best judges of where the uncrossable lines should be.

My father in law has been living with my husband and I simce his first stroke 9 years ago. I cant explain all I have gone through, but I will say that I javent had a life in 9 years. I have always been the bad guy since taking him to 165 doctor, therapy and specialist appointments the first years alone. I had to cook fresh food daily no matter how long we were at those appointments. The family never helped with anything and talked bad about me behind my back or yelled at me to my face. I cant stress this enough. BE THE BAD GUY AND SAVE YOURSELF!!! Now my favorite line is "Im this family no good deed goes unpunished." The care giver burn out list has 10 things on it from this site. I have had pneumonia 5 times in 2 years. I have gained 50 pounds, he fell so much and i picked him up that now i am recovering from spinal cord surgery. I am 46 and i am hospitalized every year with something. He is 80. Now with dementia because he has been retires since the year of my birth and just watched tv. He is on dialysis. He has 2 other sons and daughters in law that dont do anything even if asked. My family believes in keeping your people at home, but my very active grandfather at 96 all his children, my father included, have schedules on their refrigerators of who has to do what for dad and when. I get the feeling you are like me. That you dont want to look like the bad guy. The truth is this is the most THANKLESS job in the world. It is had when you are not appreciated, but so horrible if abused.y mother im law died in 1999. His stroke was in 2007. It doesnt get easier. It gets a lot harder. You have to make some hard choices or you will end up like me. Sick almost every day because i never opened my mouth and when I did there was hell to pay. Now I am saving so I can ask my husband for a divorce. That is the only way. I have been a disabled surgical nurse aince 2004, but expected to work 24/7 at home. You cant only do the right thing if it is a fair world. I have done my best to do it right to the point I cant enjoy my grandchildren because i am sick all the time caring for a sick person. I am not telling you this to cry on your shoulder. I am saying this to warn you that if you dont do something now it gets impossible to say anything the longer you are in it. It is likely the hardest thing you have ever done and you will probably feel a lot of guilt doing it, but I sure wish I had left years ago. Dont get me wrong, I love my husband. I used to tell his dad he was my ticket to heaven because I was earning so many good deeds caring for him. That was the first year. 9 years later I say he is my ticket to hell. I dont take care of myself, most days I am sad that i didnt die in sleep. I dont pray anymore. I dont enjoy books anymore, movies, TV, etc.... i dont find enjoyment im anything anymore. I dont feel I have a marriage either. My husband and I are married to his dad. Thats our whole life. No vacation in 9 years. You can take care of your dad, but set limits with everyone. And the hardest part of all dont care what anyone one says. You are the one that stepped up when your dad needed you. If doing the right thing were easy every one would be doing it. Hang in there, but know your situation wont change without you. God bless.

Cand8 I agree with you, looking at Someones post I can see where I am at. I keep on trying. After a full weekend of work and I come home after a very long day I make dinner. Not until my wife gets home and dinner is an hour into being made (I'm still in my uniform yet) does he come out to weakly ask if he can help.... Then after dinner I start the cleanup, my daughter pitched in and was playing with me to sit down (it was nice she took over) but not until he barks out "go sit with your booze"..... so I barked back "what did you just say?", then he rephrased it "with your drink". Well that set me off, I went do my office in the basement and got out of the way. Yes I have a cocktail with dinner, it doesn't make me a bad guy, I don't get out of hand, I have one or 2 and I am a social drinker. My wife and I will have a cocktail and relax after a long day (not every day). I didn't need that kind of swipe in front of my daughter especially when my son in law has been doing much better with his alcohol issues we have been helping him with.
I have been trying to remain calm. The other night I came home after finally moving my other daughters car (my car really) into the garage for storage for the winter to clear yet other parking space in the driveway and he takes up 2 spaces. I have 6 cars in my driveway and I need all the parking I can get and Mr. I do what ever I want does what ever he wants. I work long hours and come home late at times and the last thing I need to do is play valet moving cars. Everyone knows where to park to make things work, he does what ever he wants. So it makes thing difficult. Yes I can stringent on rules. I expect plates and pots and pans to be in certain places in the kitchen so I know where things are/ I expect my tools to be in certain places so I don't have to look every where for them. Call me a fascist that I like order in the midst of chaos.
Things are so bad there are days I don't want to come home to my own home.... Today was one of them. I did offer for him to come to a job I was working on today but he didn't call back unit I was gone from there. I do try to reach out but every time I extend the olive branch I get it back broken and slapped in the face with. Now when I come home, if one of the dogs made a mess I tell who ever the dogs belongs to to clean it up, if the dogs ruin something it is their problem. I am going to limit how often I make dinner. I am tired of running a hotel, hospital, doggy day care and storage unit.... People are going to have to start figuring it out on their own..... Unfortunately I have started to turn into a miserable person....I have been grouchy to so may people lately, my wife and I have not had any alone time since we went away in August if that tells you anything. I didn't realize how being a care taker would take so much away from me. I am cut off from my family, no one calls anymore, it gets real lonely after a while. I have my wife and my kids but that is about it for the family now.

TG, I'm wondering why you are resistant to the idea of going to therapy. It is your best option for breaking out of the destructive path you are on.

What you are destroying is your health.

The only person who you have the power to change is you. And when you change up the way you are acting now, things will change.

That sounds like a seriously crappy few days. I'm not saying anything because being able to sit down and thump it all out in a vent on the forum is probably a really healthy exercise and I don't want to deter you from doing that!

But I think it might be a good idea to share that vent with the actual household, too, maybe?

Hugs to you. And by the way in my kitchen putting mugs in the cupboard with the handles facing all different ways is a flogging offence, so no I do not think you are being a fascist.

"' I am going to limit how often I make dinner. I am tired of running a hotel, hospital, doggy day care and storage unit.... People are going to have to start figuring it out on their own..... "

Yes, do that, starting tonight. You could even make up a schedule for preparing dinner.

"I do try to reach out but every time I extend the olive branch I get it back broken and slapped in the face with."

I love the motto "eyes on the olive branch, arrows at the ready." It's time to put the olive branch away and get out your quiver full of arrows.

GA is indicating that you have to change your behavior, and your tactics. But I afraid ( yes, really afraid) that you are going to come at this in anger and resentment and not understanding. You're going to raise your BP, your cortisol levels and not do yourself any good.

It might be that your dad has been a total axxhole all his life. But i think it's also possible that dementia has set in, or he's mentally ill, or both. I think you owe it to your family to sort this with some professional help.

Feel free to disagree, and to ignore this post.

TG, there is something called respite care. You can contact nursing homes in your area. It is not inexpensive. But, you could take your elder there to stay for a week or two. They will require full payment in advance. It seems like what you really need right now is a break, a chance to rest, and a chance to sort things out with your family. You should not feel guilty for taking a break. Getting some rest may give you the opportunity to consider some other long term options.

Cinderella, TG can't really do that because - for now anyway - his father is a fully functioning consenting adult, still able to drive and makes his own (often exasperating) decisions, and the chances of his agreeing to attend respite care even for a week or two are vanishingly small.

But I share your and Babalou's concern about the impact of all the friction on everybody's health (especially TG's); and I share the hope that TG will be able to make small but important changes in the family dynamics before something "gives" in a destructive way.

Tespute for TG is when his dad visits Sis. Unfortunately, that's when Daughter and SIL move in. There seems to be a pattern here......

I'm wondering when Mrs. TG is going to decide she's had enough of this and decides to move on to a more functional life.

Respite, that should say.

As Church mouse said I cant do respite care as he is fully functioning, he lives with me due to financial constraints. It is just the house full issue. I had to leave the house for a job yesterday, the daughters dog apparently came into his living room and scared his dog which ended with a huge pee mess (due to not letting his dog out) on the carpet. Thus my wife had to clean it up making her and my daughter both late for work, he stood there looking at it. (he can clean he just doesn't want to). After work my wife had to shampoo the carpet (I just cleaned it the week he was gone). He moved his chair out and then went out on the deck to make phone calls.... thus my wife only cleaned the spot of the incident. He was expecting the entire carpet to be cleaned and not help at all.... This is the way he functions. Now he hides ice cream in the freezer. He can eat all the food we buy but he is sure to hide what he wants. What ever.... (I don't need the calories).
My daughter made a comment that I need to go to church more to find out why I am so angry. I guess it is becoming apparent that I am stressed. I am in more churches than most people as I assist with funeral details for my volunteer organization and we have had 7 in 7 weeks, I am pretty good at being in the house of god, we talk often anyway.
What I need is some me and my wife time. Even trying to schedule a motorcycle ride for a few houses is impossible due to leaving the house for too long........
I have noticed I am challenged with the relationship with dad. I tried yesterday asking him to come to a job site with me, I figured he would be interested and it may help the situation. I left him a message on his phone in the AM. Apparently he didn't get it until later and showed up in the afternoon, he didn't call me back to let me know he was coming. I had already left the job site by then. So I have tried, then I yelled at him later as he walked walking through the kitchen straight at me with a steak knife blade out, heading for the sink and getting tripped by the dogs, lets just say 8 more inches and the ambulance would have been called for me.... It was a survival instinct. I apologized but still I get nervous when I have a knife coming at my spleen!
Ya wonder why I am stressed.
Things to work on this week.... reduce stress..... let others cook..... yeah that's not going to happen. 1 lazy parent, 1 lazy son in law (don't get me started on that one)... house full....
Let people be responsible for themselves....... whoo boy..... Ill give it a try....

"My daughter made a comment that I need to go to church more to find out why I am so angry."
Say what? This is a blame the victim mentality, of course you are angry and rightly so. Go pray about it? Maybe, but maybe better to tell all those freeloaders the ugly truth... I'M STRESSED BECAUSE I CAN'T KEEP CARRYING THE WHOLE D*MNED FAMILY!!

Tgengine, When the kitchen is messy and no one has started dinner, could you and your wife just leave the house and have a quiet meal together in a restaurant? If you do that every time, presumably the other people in the house will get the message that if they don't cook they won't eat. I know that it's difficult to eat healthfully when you eat in restaurants, but it's possible to order fairly low-fat food such as grilled chicken sandwiches and tossed salads.

Tgengine - lay down the law to lazy SIL and Lazy daughter - they clean specific rooms, they make dinner (and pay for groceries) specific times per week. Go out for dinner with your wife and let you father, SIL, daughter figure it out. You are babying these people.

God Will Save Me!

A terrible storm came into a town and local officials sent out an emergency warning that the riverbanks would soon overflow and flood the nearby homes. They ordered everyone in the town to evacuate immediately.

A faithful Christian man heard the warning and decided to stay, saying to himself, “I will trust God and if I am in danger, then God will send a divine miracle to save me.”

The neighbors came by his house and said to him, “We’re leaving and there is room for you in our car, please come with us!” But the man declined. “I have faith that God will save me.”

As the man stood on his porch watching the water rise up the steps, a man in a canoe paddled by and called to him, “Hurry and come into my canoe, the waters are rising quickly!” But the man again said, “No thanks, God will save me.”

The floodwaters rose higher pouring water into his living room and the man had to retreat to the second floor. A police motorboat came by and saw him at the window. “We will come up and rescue you!” they shouted. But the man refused, waving them off saying, “Use your time to save someone else! I have faith that God will save me!”

The flood waters rose higher and higher and the man had to climb up to his rooftop.

A helicopter spotted him and dropped a rope ladder. A rescue officer came down the ladder and pleaded with the man, "Grab my hand and I will pull you up!" But the man STILL refused, folding his arms tightly to his body. “No thank you! God will save me!”

Shortly after, the house broke up and the floodwaters swept the man away and he drowned.

When in Heaven, the man stood before God and asked, “I put all of my faith in You. Why didn’t You come and save me?”

And God said, “Son, I sent you a warning. I sent you a car. I sent you a canoe. I sent you a motorboat. I sent you a helicopter. What more were you looking for?”

Oi. About the ice cream.

Just that isolated example, not the rest - your daughter is really taking the piss, btw, but I'll come back to that.

Just on the ice cream, there is a telling problem there that says to me that your dad has got seriously on your normally rock-steady nerves. He can't do right for doing wrong, can he? If he leaves his stuff plonk in the middle of the shelf, it's in the way. If he tucks it out of sight, he's hiding it. Where DO you want him to keep his personal goodies?

If my mother made her stinky-sweet syrupy microwave porridge for herself, I hated the smell of it. If she waited for me to do it for her properly, I groused about the chore. At that point, before she was really needing full-time care, she was driving me round the bend. But now I can admit that I was being completely unfair.

So I think this is symptomatic of too close proximity, which needs a different and stronger set of ground rules.

And he's got to clean up his own dog's pee, for a start. Your wife or you must hand him the mop and stand over him 'til it's done.

I understand where you are coming from. My Dad moved in with us last November, we had offered for him to move in with us 2 years ago, he finally made the decision last september. It has been very tough on us, very demeaning to me. The stress got to be so bad for me we had to move him into assisted living. My siblings realize how difficult he can be. He is a sweet person but not to his family. He his not happy he had to go to assisted living and is telling people that I am sick and once I am better he can move back in with me, he fails to tell them that he is the reason I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I found out he is telling people at the assisted living he was yanked out of his house, which isn't true. From talking to others this is common behavior for them, they lash out at the ones closest to them.

The disrespect Mrs. TG puts up with is astounding and frankly I'm amazed she's still in the mix. I feel sorry for her. She has a jerk for a FIL. Making matters worse, her husband makes excuses for his dad and the dogs. I hope she finds happiness doing something much more worthwhile than cleaning up all their messes.