You all have it I know or you wont be here. This is year 2 for me and he's not a bad guy it is just we are different in many ways. It is starting to grate on me and I am becoming a very grumpy person. My wife and I are stressed, she has a lot of stress at work. I work at home so I am in it 24/7. We don't have a lot of money to travel and I can't leave him for very long. I can but not sure what the house would be like after. I cook, shop, repair and do all the things around the house, My wife cleans and keep an immaculate house even with 2 dogs.
Dad can come and go as he wishes. It is just he is complaining to relatives ow so I am looking like the bad guy. If I say anything I am really in trouble. It has always been this way. I learned from my mom to keep my ears open and mouth shut. If I tell a relative they tell him. if I tell him he tells a relative. If I say anything to my sister she tells him so I am screwed.
I cant post a message on social media he finds it (sneaky ways he uses the computer). So I am apparently blackballed from the family per sea. It is my assumption but since no one calls now I can only figure that. How do I get info to family that he is not being as forth rite as he portrays? We are all over the country, one sibling and I do not talk (damage done years ago). The other its all about her. Its the aunts and cousins who I guess I don't care but it does sting that I bust my ass and he has to look like the spoiled child.
Losing my cool way too much (it is in check just inside my head).
Do I ask my sibling to take him for a month this summer? If I do she will make it seem like I am asking a favor and will tell him I asked then I look like I am booting him out.
My unsolicited advice is you give them a very short deadline to find and get into their own apartment. Explain that this was a temporary arrangement, that you have your hands full and are unable to continue this way. I get that it's optimal own ones own home, but think back....most of us didn't live with our parents to save for our first home. We rented, it took longer but we got there, It's not reasonable for them to burden you with two more adults ( including an alcoholic) and a dog. Maybe your wife could have a chat with your daughter and take this off of you.
NO, she doesn't have to clean up after anyone! Doing so just reinforces that your freeloading relatives can continue to do what they want and be irresponsible.
"This is the way he functions."
Okay, you've got a good handle on his patterns of behavior, he needs to change. If you were an employer with staff, would you tolerate such behavior? If you were an employee and displayed lack of consideration and irresponsibility, wouldn't you have been called in for counseling?
I understand that work situations are different but I think there are analogies in terms of how much one person can or should tolerate.
"My daughter made a comment that I need to go to church more to find out why I am so angry. I guess it is becoming apparent that I am stressed. "
I can't even describe how offensive and disrespectful I find this remark. She needs to be given an ultimatum - find someplace else to live in a month or so, and get back on her own feet. I might have been tempted to counter with a remark that she needs to get psychiatric help to determine why she's unable to grow up and accept responsibility for her own life.
BTW, are you charging her rent? If not, you should be. And charge boarding fees for the dogs.
"Things to work on this week.... reduce stress..... let others cook..... yeah that's not going to happen. 1 lazy parent, 1 lazy son in law (don't get me started on that one)... house full....
Let people be responsible for themselves....... whoo boy..... Ill give it a try.... "
TG, I know this is overwhelming. A lot of us have been faced with so many things and problems coming at us from all directions. It often seems as if problems have no solution. But work on them one at a time, and think positively, in terms of solutions.
But above all, remember that you are not a doormat. If you think like one you'll be treated like one.
What's the worse situation? your freeloading daughter, your noncompliant contrary father? Pick the worst problem, spend some time alone with your wife and develop a plan. Then implement it.
And BTW, I don't believe that your father needs to meet any qualifications of limitation to stay in a respite facility. Don't let these negative perceptions stop you.
You're heading for a breakdown, physical or otherwise, but only you can change the direction of your path.
I say this bluntly because I think it's time to be blunt.
Needs to go to church to find out why so stressed, hmmm? Well now, let's see if we can figure it out right here in the kitchen...
So I said to my husband, "honey, there are dishes in the sink. I can't dump the pasta with the sink full. Could you do the dishes?". And ao he did them. Should he have boticed when he came home? Should he do them automatically? That would be nice. And sometimes he does. But when he doesn't, I ask him.
Are you asking anyone to do anything? Or are you just assuming that everyone knows what needs to be done?
Look, there's no hole in the front of your head that allows people to read your thoughts. Yes, folks SHOULD know. But often they don't.
Since then I moved passed it. Yeah..it is the way it is...right or wrong
I came home from the 4th time at the grocery store this week and all the cookie fixings are on the counter. So dad is slowly making his way to make cookies. For church, now mind you I am paying for all of this since he wont go and get the food to make them! Glad I can afford to supply his good deeds.
I was at a meeting and a guy I know is looking for a part time furniture re-finisher he loves that kind of thing which would be a great part time thing for him to do. He did call but as before I am sure it will fall through. He just needs something to do. I do try to get them to do things, I just cant be the chief cook and bottle washer. I may just hang it up and go out to dinner tonight. Dinner is half prepped already (I usually prep dinner at breakfast).
Yesterday I woke my daughter because my wife thought she may be late for work, you'd think it was back in middle school around here, then I got an earful for doing it. I have to friggin tiptoe in my own house. so much for caring, if they are late so be it. (She wasn't late BTW) but how did I know. I have a busy weekend ahead, everyone is on their own this weekend, chef is off duty.....
I have helped my daughter to apply for a mortgage, we will see where that goes, again no reason to get a place when they have one......
My grocery bill has doubled, my electric bill doubled, everything but my income ......
Many of us have been and still are on these journeys. Hang in there!
As the movie quote said ..."Sorry buddy it's John Wayne time, your on your own!" Thank for all the assistance, I will start to use the ideas, time for people to be on their own truly!
Remember, you're not the bad guy, you are the righteous guy. Be prepared for a lot of push back, until all those users learn to stand on their own they will constantly try to force a return to their old, comfortable existence... be strong!
I can say that this situation is going to continue until you get truly fed up. The stress can make you sick. Out side of prayer which also helps some as was exemplified in the story by NYC, This is the good place to sort out this mess and find the solution that helps you put it in the correct perspective and then pursue the solution. I wish you luck. It took me many many years to see what was right in front of my eyes. I was able to block things for a while. But then it got to a point where I had never done anything for anyone. It really hurt because that was a denial of my whole existence and relationship. That;s when it hit home.
I cried a lot, I felt guilty I am still working with it but I am no longer the footstool and scapegoat. You are not responsible for them and their happiness and well being they are grown up now. You are making the right decision and figuring out how to carry it through so you can live with yourself. Dont feel guilty. You kind of have to start thinking with the meism philosphy now. Its hard and will be but it gets better. Imagine this going on for years. It could eventually kill you. Stress kills. Bless your heart for the person you are. Just draw a line and stick to your guns and shoot anyone who crosses and tresspass on your bounaries (of course not litterally!) (imaginary guns) :)
Your situation is serious. Stress Kills. Saying no and setting boundaries is hard and you feel very guilty at first. Guilt is a form of control narcissist people use. Listen to me the specialist now ha ha ha. But really I learned this from this site. You are in the right place to get help and sort this out where you can deal with it in your mind and put it in a perspective that you can deal with and then work on solutions.
My situation not so similar but similar. It wasnt until I start hurting from being treated worse and then like an outcast. Denial that I have ever done anything for anybody was like denying my whole existence. I had to learn to love and focus on my own well being because no one was going to do it. What I thought was love was being used. So when I was able to deal with that in my head it was on. Realizing the narcissim and understanding that was a giant step. I made all those baby steps with help of input from the site.
Bless your heart. Keep at it hold those guns. And keep putting it out it helps and decreases the stress.
I am routing for you. Its going to be a challenge, but image this going on and on and on.
Still trying to find dad a part time job that is not beneath him just to get him busy and stop telling the family he is lonely and bored. How about you come out of your room and participate in conversations instead of telling stories. I guess I am to blame for that since I have given him the cold shoulder lately. It is the stress. So lets see who will help paint the house this week..... yip, no one but me guaranteed!
Letting the stress go, not having a cocktail at night so I sleep better (didn't help the past 2), trying to eat better........ its a long, long road......
My wife and I had a few hours together Sunday AM with no one around and it was nice to have my house partly back. Spent the most of the day out. Then back to the houseful. Made homemade Clam Chowder.... tried to make dinner a nice social event but still a lot of tension. I know my daughter is tense but she made the choice to move home with her husband and dog (which I do a lot of caring for). I guess she was mad because my wife sprayed fabreeze in her room to combat the smell of laundry that was seeping into our hall. I mean really, we have a nice home and between my SIL and my father their laundry basket smells comes into the hall through closed doors and we have to smell it on our way to our room. My SIL smokes and for some reason his clothes smell (he dresses like a rocker).
Also he was walking his dog through the neighborhood and was upset that someone walking her dog was afraid of him. Now picture this, ball cap down over his eyes, smoking, foot long beard, rocker t shirt, baggy jeans, work boots walking a pit bull (very lovable puppy).... We live in a neighborhood of CEOs, professionals, doctors, business owners etc.... hmmmm I wonder why she was taking aback... he thought is was their fault they thought he was scary.............. Come on! We are not a snotty suburban neighborhood but if you dress like you live in bad boy gear expect the same treatment. He is more accustom to living in a basement and wanting a run down environment.
My daughter met him when they were both at a prestigious college. He was asked to leave due to his attitude, she chose to come home to an art college where she graduated. He is a nice guy but.... OK, I digress..........
And you wonder why I have stress?
People will gossip, some feed off drama, some will outright lie to create it. I am well respected by my friends, neighbors and in my community, no criminal record, I was married 35 years my husband passed, I raised two kids who are good people in our community, and I still have to deal with the dark overshadowing reality of living life in a fish bowl as a caregiver, that's how I describe it and frankly I'm caring for a verbally abusive dad, he's made that way, I've been called every name in the book, I'm treated like an old school waitress and secretary, not like a daughter. My problems that are similar to what you and your wife are dealing with don't come from my dad running around town saying stuff that's not true, but come from a sibling, a female neighbor of dads who spread trash talk, and a couple of cousins checking up on me regularly as well, not to help me, but to look for dirt and spread it around dads old neighborhood and around the family. My dad and I do argue at times, and I've learned to walk away, it's best for me to do that, it lowers my blood pressure, he does it intentionally to upset me for entertainment, I've learned not reacting is the best response.
Overall, first I'll tell you there's nothing you can do about what people say, except to publicly show it's not true, you do that tactfully realistically and hopefully have good people around you who will support you even just a little, make a point to note the good days and times, and not the bad with your dad, friends, family, socially, etc.... One of my dad's neighbors approached me to let me know a woman was gossiping quite a bit about crazy stuff, told me who, and when she contacted me again acting like a friend, I knew who to write off my friend list, so I did. The cousins came out quite a bit, I knew what they were doing, I welcomed them, they realized after awhile that everything my brother was saying was at the least exaggerated if not an outright lie. Cousins went about their own business as they should have. My dad drives me crazy and I just need a break too, so I make sure I get one.
The following, forgive the obvious, but I'll list it.
1. This a great site for venting frustrations, keep it here, not with family and friends, it'll spread and grow ugly if you vent to other people, even under the best intentions. Ugly backfires might cause dad to hack your texts and facebook.
2. Find safe zones for yourself on your property, in your house, around town. Places where you can go, dad can't or doesn't know about, have quiet time away from dad when you need it, harmless places he can't get to. I moved my room to the top floor of my house because my dad can't do stairs, it's also quiet up there, I can't hear his tv, or the 8th time he's yelled for coffee at 10 pm, and he knows it so now he doesn't bother me after 9:30, I tell him I moved up there because it's cooler in the summer and warmer in the winter, not because of him and he's good with that, prevent him complaining. I also work outside during the day after he's taken care of so I can get peace and quiet.
3. What you do have to do for dad, any and all of it put on a regular schedule, so you can work your daily routine around it.
4. Take dad to do what he likes once a week, even just something very small, take a smiling photo of yourself with dad and post it everywhere. Sounds dumb, but think about it, if there's a lot of bad social stuff going on, that one action throws water on the smoke, make a point of having a good day with dad once a week, even for just an hour or two, whether he likes it or not, at least you tried.
5. Don't send him to the sibling, I might be wrong, but I think it might make things worse. We get our breaks as caregivers in an hour here and there usually, make room for those breaks.
6. Do a scheduled visit for your dad at your house by family and/or friends. They can see the environment dad lives in, even a dinner party.
7. If dad is verbally abusive to you and lies about you in front of others, let him, and then calmly rationally contradict what he's said right there in front of others, ie; My dad will say I don't feed him, he's 6' 230 lbs., he's obviously not starving, when he acts like that, I'll offer to get him a cup of coffee. When he complains about his living quarters, I'll say did you want to still keep those extra channels you have on my tv in your quarters dad or should I cancel those on my dish bill, lol.
I guess if you are a nice guy they will take advantage of you. My office is directly in the entry to the house so when anyone comes in there is no place to hide. I can't change it unless I am out thousands of dollars a year.
Everyone does what ever they want to do around here. My wife asked our daughter to clean the bathroom they use, why should we do it?
No one makes dinner because I do, then nights when I don't want to cook they all go out or do something else, how come no one makes meals for me? Dad can certainly make batches of cookies (with all my fixings) for church and tell everyone he cooks "gourmet".... not around here apparently. Maybe I wont do anything tonight since I have to be on the road in 2 hours to work tonight...
I'm tired, just plain tired....
the SIL used my lawn tractor to mow the lawn for me this week... great! Well kid of, messed up the new area I amd trying to grow grass in but.... Came home and the hood up.... yup $800 to fix it.... coincidence????.... tired.... just tired.......