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Well I was a caregiver until all my siblings found out and ran me off.. Now that Mom and Dad are gone all my siblings has nothing to do with me and the family home which was mine well my half sister Mom's oldest daughter and my oldest real brother added their names to the deed and had it recorded which now I have to take them to court and show the deed that they have is invalid due to having dad's signature and it required mom and me since I was added in 2017 and what they did was 2019. Very dysfunctional family. Hope that's not TMI. I have so much more I could say. Like no one told me if the will being read but the house wasn't in it anyway due to me owning but the house they stripped away inside and outside and they won't let me in the house. I would have to get the cops. I'm the youngest of 6. Which makes it hard for me to confront any plus I have social and mental problems now and I couldn't do it on my own. My family home was given to me in 89 by my parents it was to make sure their daughters had a home. My M&D had 2 girls and 2 boys and Mom had girl and boy before Dad. The girl is the one that has taken the house and she has not ever lived out been there. But lives there now. She's 69 and I'm 57 so you can tell by age I didn't grow up with her or half brother. They were grown and gone before me and before Dad built the house that they visited once a year of that. Anyways thank you from a dysfunctional one.
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@Lora626,

I’m so sorry . I wish you peace .
((((Hugs))))
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HI Lora - I'm really sorry to hear what you're going thru. I wish you continued full healing and strength - and for better and brighter days to come for YOU.
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Relieved when parents died. Thru dads ashes in garbage. Brother wanted my mother's. So fine. Never realized what they were til at 62 years old got stage 4 colon and liver cancer. He was already dead but mother reaction was all about her problems and who would take care of her. I did thru surgery and chemo for myself. She finally died at 90. Husband got Alzheimer's. Took care of him for 7 years. Put him in assisted living 3 months ago. Cancer back again. Can't wait to die.
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Waytomisery, vent anytime!

I've made some huge revelation this weekend. My family and I, are so different. We are not politically the same, religiously the same, even morally different, when it comes accepting people different than them. Worshiping all the men in my family, and being a subservient is definitely not me, or who I'll ever be. But that's there world.

Mom enabled my dad to be a mean jerk, then she raised my brother to be his twin , even looks like my dad.

I left for ten years found who I am, without there influence, and I like me. Now I go back and I'm like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, and I just don't fit.

No wonder I at times feel like the cheese fell of my cracker.

I gotta go to moms today, but instead I'm thinking saying, I gotta go down the rabbit hole today.
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I can now see why my in laws divorced 35 years ago . Because they were too much alike .

The word of the day is……
ENTITLED .

They both think/thought that if they say somethlng in a sweet but slightly forceful tone they will get their way . And if not , we are squashing their independence .

Newsflash …… I am not the “ independence fairy “.

I have a feeling I will be coming back to this thread to whine .
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Sorry struggleson, I hear you there.

Oh no, way, I just looked up CLL, that's not good! And loosing weight too. Ugh. Lol you caused her blood clot, that's pretty funny and not funny at all , at the same time.
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Sorry struggling,

I get it .
Based on the phone call we got today…. Apparently it’s our fault that my MIL has a blood clot in her leg and can’t fly .

Not to mention she also is in stage 4 CLL , she barely walks refuses to use a walker , and is wasting away , skinny .

We told her we are not rescuing her from any travels , especially without POA which she refuses to draw up .
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having to remind myself a lot these days that " I did'nt cause this. I can't fix this. Hence, its not my fault, don't yell at me. "
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wow, Sadinroanokeva - it sounds like you've made great strides - that's great! It looks like you can revise your profile name to Happyinroanokeva instead!
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Sadin, nice to hear a positive story.👏🙂
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I am quite happy and content. Through counseling I have learned to not worry about my siblings opinion of the care I give my mom or his opinion of my feelings! ! I just push forward and have accepted that other people think they know how to do this better than I do…but they do not! I have forgiven my mom for anything I used think was unfair…right now I just make sure she is safe, well fed, has a good roof over her head and is pain free… she is pleasantly confused and well loved by me.
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Boricua,

You never allow anyone to manipulate you into submission to anything for any reason.

How hard did your mother work herself to provide perfection for herself and her family?

I always say, you get what you give in this life. No one can expect from others what they never expected from themselves.


Maybe your mother would benefit from some tough love. It sure sounds like she would.

She doesn't like waiting and gets rude and nasty if her demands are not instantly met?

Too bad. Make her wait even longer and your good time doing something.

Her life traumas aren't your fault. You didn't cause her problems and you don't have to be her solution.

Give her and yourself a choice here.

Either she learns how to be respectful and grateful to you for everything you do for her, or she gets put away in a nursing home and you never look back.

Do not tolerate her verbal abuse and manipulation for one more day. Do not play her games anymore either. From what you say here, she will have to learn the hard way that verbal abuse and manipulation will not give her more control or get her more attention. It will get her ignored and neglected. A little ignoring and neglect will likely be just what she needs to learn this lesson.

Stop catering to her. She lives in your house and you take care of her. So it's going to be on YOUR terms, not hers.
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Boricua, sorry your going through so much, many many of us have or are going through feelings, much much like yours, your not alone.

When you get time fill out the profile and ask or vent away. It's easier for us to understand what your going through if you fill it out.
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Not good. Just had a fight with my never satisfied mom. I would give her the world if I could, but it's impossible because her standards are unachievable. Some things require time, money we don't have or would mess up with our family routine/dynamics (that mind you, she doesn't approve of) and she isn't good at waiting or hearing no. I have tried to detach and not react to her every whim or outburst, but that is very exhausting to do. Dealing, after healing from my own traumas, with her own, that of course she doesn't recognize/accept, is agonizing, too. Her living with us due to medical issues (she almost died and currently can't live alone) after moving far from her to heal has been a whole 'experience'. I understand her reactions, her moods, the way she says things, where it all comes from. I understand her traumas and life experiences. She doesn't and doesn't care because if she does not accept them they aren't real, to her. But we have to live with it. I am more understanding and empathetic now, but it still hurts. And it's hard not to take it personally when she attacks my character to manipulate me into submission.
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Yes thank you Elizabeth. I can see where it can be used the wrong way.

If your house is dirty , get up and clean it , don't say "it is what it is"

I've heard people say "I'm over it" I never understood that. A friend of mine was sick of winter, she hates winter. She said , I'm over it, I'm like you might be but I don't think winter is over you.
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"It is what it is" can indeed be an expression of defeatism, but it can also be a statement of acceptance of things as they are in real life. I use it in the latter context and have for many years. I try not to use it if "what is" can be improved upon.
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Thanks for the suggestions Margaret .
It will be interesting to see how DH handles it .
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Way, perhaps do a letter to each of the ‘old folks’, tell them a) D doesn’t want it b) how much it would cost. Ask them if they would like to contribute to the cost, say if enough people contribute it may be possible, but in any event D will only be there for a few minutes at the beginning. Better to give them some choice so THEY are the ones turning it down.
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Air fare is expensive to go there and have him bail almost immediately .

The airfare is most likely a deal breaker just to go to dinner .
I know my kids won’t spend that kind of money to go to dinner.

But I could see the old folks getting angry. They still have strong views about funerals and weddings . They don’t like any new thoughts , nor are they in touch with today’s realities due to people being spread out
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Perhaps have D there at the beginning, then get taken home almost immediately because ‘it’s all been too much for him’? If possible, by a young relative who will be bored anyway.
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@ Margaret ,

Yeah that’s the obvious .
I should have been more specific and said DH is wondering if anyone will expect him to plan and/or attend something as you described. DH would like to just skip any and all plans , especially since it would most likely be expected we travel down south to meet up with the older folks . Turns out Dh is like me , hates the “ after funeral meal “ . Just wants to stay home and grieve in his own way .
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Way, you are wondering “if family will expect something when she dies”. I’d suggest a dinner out a x restaurant in y location, date z, pay for your own, let us know by zz date so we can book for numbers. It’s perfectly respectable – I even saw a wedding reception done the same way. Many people have a dinner out following a funeral, you just skip the funeral.
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Also house flower Im sure that term is over used, I'll try to save it for the things I can't change, like I can't change the fact that moms 88 with a degenerative back. So I say " it is what it is"

That would be annoying over and over.

Hope for peace for you following your moms death 🙏😞
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Houseflower, I went a very long time without crying for my dad too.

Then the strangest thing happened, I was cooking supper and the old Western Rifle Man was on. The son , I think his name was Mark , was playing Green sleeves on his guitar,
My dad played it a lot on the violin, I think I cried for days after that. 😞
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Nacy, My mother’s favorite expression was it is what it is. I want to inscribe it on her urn 😁. I couldn’t take it when she said it, it was like fingernails on a blackboard for me.

my mother never wanted to take a chance on something maybe being better than what “is” was. She was a defeatist. Stayed in a crappy house in a crappy neighborhood, never wanting to get help in sooner than she did. Her “is” was making everyone else’s life miserable.

She has been gone six weeks and I haven’t cried once.
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Way, omg, your mil sounds like she thinks out of the box 😂 A slot machine, that's should be on a sitcom.
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Funeral talk ….

First my MIL told us she wants us to throw a party for her friends when she died . Well a lot are dead and some are in facilities now , so she hasn’t been bringing that up the last few years .

She also signed up years ago to have her body donated to the local medical school . They apparently always have a shortage of cadavers . Then after 2-3 years they cremate and she’s having the ashes sent to us ( we don’t want them ) . She has instructed DH to dump her ashes at a video poker machine in a casino in Atlantic City where she had her biggest win ever . NOT HAPPENING . First of all that’s gross , illegal and a casino is full of cameras watching .

I found a boat that will take ashes out to sea in an environmentally responsible container from Atlantic City . We can mail them to Atlantic City , or we can drive there and go on the boat too for a higher fee . That will be DH’s decision.

My DH is wondering though if family will expect something when she dies. MIL still has two siblings but they are retired down south . There is a cousin about an hour from MIL . And my DH’s brother in Oklahoma. And if so where to have something ? , we are 4 hours away from where MIL lives too . There is no gravesite to go to .
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Way, That's a good one, mine has been lately, "it is what it is" in other words I can't change a darn thing but myself.

That makes a lot of sense about the anger. Ive had that I'll call myself me pre Aging Care and post aging care. BAC and PAC , 😆 . I've been a bit angry at why did I let my flowers die from lack of water and moms look beautiful. So that anger makes alot of sence

The Lost feel, yeah I'm expecting that to be rough,

JHoward, mom use to do that about her funeral too. Not so much anymore. But yeah she has this fantasy funeral in her head, where everyone is in uncontrollable greif standing at her grave. Why she wants people she loves to be traumatized in that Way. Narssasisim, probably just about sums it up
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@JHoward

My friend, all the commentors here (Anabanana, waytomisery, Anxietynacy) all of us know where you're coming from and have either a parent or in-law like your mother. I know I certainly do.

Let me tell you from experience. Living with the guilt-trip is way better than allowing your mother to own your life. You can get past the guilt tripping by going to counceling and talking about it. Or by talking to people like us who are or have been in the same boat as you.

Sometimes, many times, people like your mother have to learn the hard way. They need a practical lesson that they are not going to be catered to now will they get what they want through manipulation, guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or verbal and mental abuse.

You need to teach your mother this life lesson by ignoring her demands and her needs. Let her fend for herself. Know why she has to learn this lesson at 96?

Because she didn't learn it at 26, or 36, or 76, or 86. Clearly she's been catered to her entire life and someone else has always been responsible for her and went around putting out all the fires she starts.

Stop today. Just stop and ignore her. Ask the police to do a wellness check on her if you want to check up.

When she's hungry enough, she'll eat the food offered where she lives.
When she gets needy enough she'll learn to mind her tongue and start being respectful to the people who help her.

Let her know plainly today that if she wants any kind of help from you it is going to be on YOUR terms, not hers. Also, if she wants to live out her remaining time outside of a Medicaid-sponsored nursing home she had better learn some self-control and that NO ONE will be catering to her demands.

If she continues to act up, have nothing to do with her. Her life today is the result of the choices she made and how she chose to live. That's not on you. So don't let it be. Please seek out counceling to help get you out of the F.O.G. (Fear-Obligation-Guilt) you are lost in.

Good luck.
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