This forum is depressing.

Whoa Margaret, he said that he has not actually had a successful friendship or relationship since 9th grade until the approximate time he moved in with mom?

That is really quite depressing.

James probably feels that we are all attacking him. We're really not. His original question was to inquire about how things could get worse, and that has been amply answered.

James you are a very unusual man. You had a miserable life: ‘I am done with friendships and relationships in life. For me every friendship or relationship I was ever in was a scam or based on bad things. From age 14 - 42 I was miserable. And it was all too much hassle and caused too much trouble’. You’ve found that caring for your mother has made you happier. That is not a common comment.

Most people come to the site with a problem or a question, looking for help. Why are you here if everything is going swimmingly for you – to tell us all not to be depressing? To cheer us up by telling us about your years of misery? There is a ‘jokes’ discussion with 3,000 jokes to cheer you up. If you want happy stories, the library may help you more. There’s lots of choice of funny and uplifting stories. Or you could always try the Bible (but better not start with Job).

James, I can't add much to the great responses you have already received. But I will say that during my time caring for my mom I did have nice moments, happy moments etc. But the nagging worry and anxiety I had in the pit of my stomach most of the time I was caring for her were louder to me than the lighter, happier moments. I came on here for reassurance and to hear from others who had experienced same and could calm my mind and help me to maybe relax a bit .

Sure, listening to happy stories is nice but what I needed when I was in the midst of the firestorm was what you will usually find on here, people in the midst of the fray.

Feel free to share your happy stories but don't be afraid to share the sad ones if they come up cause that's what we are here for.

James,

This is reality when life includes dementia and caring for elders. I have learned so much having a place to ask odd questions. Posters have been very kind to me with their life experiences. My life with the elders is less than three years so I had a huge volume to learn.

When I can offer a suggestion or even a product to a caregiver it makes me feel good and helpful.

Your mom is young at 55 and maybe some of these posts do not apply to you yet.

With the wide range of subjects I challenge you to educate yourself on the legal aspects of elder care. This may be more interesting to you now.

It's a club no one wants to belong to.

FLgiver4two,
Your post bent me over with laughter. Taking Dad shopping. OMG what a wonderful story.

You've obviously not been on this forum long enough to make any kind of sound judgement at this point.
Dealing with any of the dementias or just the daily caregiving for someone with any kind of illness or disease, yes can be very depressing and overwhelming, but we are all here(or the majority of us anyway)to give a helping hand to those who are struggling and need some advice.
What we deal with on this forum is real life stuff, and you're correct, it's not all pretty. It can be very depressing. That's why we're here, to try and give folks the knowledge and understanding to hopefully make there lives just a little bit better and easier.
I can only guess that you've not been a caregiver for long and perhaps still have your rose colored glasses on. Don't worry, the longer you will have to do it, things will become more clear to you, and hopefully we can be there for you when you're at your wits end and ready to rip your hair out.
I've been on this forum for several years now, and even though my husband died in 2020, I continue to try and help others with whatever information I think may be helpful for them, as I feel I have learned a lot while caring for my husband for over 24 years.
There are many wonderful people on here that just want to help others survive their caregiving journeys in whatever way they can. And sadly it's not all fun and games, but we all try to make the very best of it.

James, new poster....
Maybe you can be a more positive influence as a member of the forum here, and try to make a difference in people's lives. You might have a hidden gift!

You are not the only caregiver to find many care giving issues depressing. We live in perilous times, there is a pandemic and war, an increase in crime, etc.
Be sure to visit other threads designed to uplift, support, and distract caregivers:

WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
Posted February 2014
9,000 comments since 1014
"Sorry to say, but this site has been so depressing for a few days. I thought I'd ask an average, everyday question....to make us all feel a little more normal today.

I made Eggplant Lasagna, and my BIL and SIL are coming for dinner. They leave for Cali tomorrow to see their beautiful grand daughter.

Sorry, sometimes we just need some REGULAR conversation.......or at least THIS caregiver does."

Other threads that are more positive:
Gardening as Therapy
What are you reading?
These are a few of my favorite things...

You mentioned: "My mom would fall into deep depression being alone with no one to talk to and interact with."
And: " I am done with friendships and relationships in life."


Isolating yourself and your mother from additional relationships outside the home is not the best environment for anyone, and not ideal for you, or for her health. It may be a red flag for an unnatural response to extreme difficulties, maybe due to the pandemic. Maybe you need to keep trying and explore expanding your boundaries a little beyond your comfort zone?

James, I find a great deal of 'reality' posted here too. Maybe this will cheer you up. My Dad was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia which is a form of Parkinson’s disease with dementia. Our days were hard so I started journaling to remember the good times caring for Dad. Because I wanted to share that dementia sucks but you can still laugh together. This story really happened and still brings a smile to my face:

THE SHOPLIFTER: Dad with Dementia

Me: (pushing Dad in his wheelchair) Okay, Dad. We’ll just get a few small things here at Walmart and we’ll be on our way.

Dad: Wow! There’s a lot of stuff in here. Push me down the aisles so I can look around.

Me: Okay. And if you want to, you can hold the items that we pick up.

Dad: I can do that.

Me: Goes about my shopping, handing Dad a few things to hold.  And then we get to the checkout counter…

Me: Dad, where are all the things I gave to you to hold?

Dad: I don’t know.

Me: Did you set them down somewhere?

Dad: I don’t know.

Me: Um, well let’s go home and I’ll come back later to do my shopping.

Dad: Okay.

Me: Wheeling him toward the exit. And I begin to notice that we’re leaving a trail of items behind us as he pulls them all out of his diaper, dropping them like a trail of breadcrumbs…

#dementiasucks #humorhelps

I have been reading some responses and I have the giggles pretty bad. What do you mean, depressing, James?? These are some of the most clever folks around!

James, you came here originally to see what the path forward might entail. Often it does get very rocky, really rocky. Most people have spouses/children that they have to attend to also, and most people had to work for the present roof over their head. You're not most people.

You came here originally because you wanted to know what was down the road. For many of us, this is double incontinence, wandering, or both. Refusing to bathe. Refusing to take their pills. Refusing, even, to get out of bed with a full depends or diaper on their actual body. You're probably ok with the shadowing behavior--after all she is your only friend and companion--but what happens if she starts accusing you of stealing? Brings up how much you owe HER every time you don't bring a Sprite at exactly when she wants it because she did something or you did something in 1983 when you were like, what 13? Hon she might not even have dementia and these things can still happen.

Sure, it is depressing. I'm sorry, but it is and this follow-up kinda shows that you don't wanna hear what could and probably will happen. Which, as you said originally, is why you are here.

Here's how the cow chews the cud, James: support groups are formed because there's a need for support. There's a need for support on a site like this b/c caregivers to elders in general are burned out, exhausted, and devastated b/c they've devoted their lives to loved ones who basically do not appreciate their effort; who complain & treat them like dirt in return. So we're here to vent; to ask for help, ideas, tips, support and to hear that we're not alone when we feel like we're falling off the edge of the Earth. You're not hearing positive stories b/c there are very FEW positive stories to share. Aside from yours, that is.

You, on the other hand, are in an atypical situation, where you're thrilled to be caring for your mom for the past 14 years, thrilled to have given up your former life to do so, thrilled to be 'relaxing' and to have quit your job, given up your freedoms, friends, girlfriends, concerts, and all the rest of it in exchange for your caregiving duties. Which is great for YOU, and you should be applauded for your devotion to your mother, who apparently loves & appreciates all of your efforts.

But that scenario is suited to probably 3% of the planet, if that, in reality. So to come here to this forum and expect to hear YOUR stories, uplifting and 'non-depressing' stories such as the one you're telling, is about as likely as a snowstorm in Florida in August, truthfully. You don't like people telling you how YOUR story is off-the-wall, yet you're here telling us OUR stories are off the wall or depressing? This is OUR reality, James, and for us, it's an UGLY reality, whether you agree with it or not. Because caregiving to elders IS a hard & ugly job, as you may find out yourself if your mother becomes incontinent & dementia ridden & starts playing with her feces & spreading it all over the walls, the bed & the furniture. Then you may decide to come back to AC & seek some of the support you once found to be 'so depressing', huh?

The vast majority of us are not 'relaxing' or 'enjoying' our time watching TV or fiddling around on a computer. I can tell you I DO have a cell phone which rang continuously with calls from my parent's ALF with them telling me of mom's falls, all 95 of them. With calls from their doctors, and nurses, and hospice, and EMTs and ambulance companies and specialists and hospitals and rehabs and mortuaries and moving companies for the SEVEN MOVES I've made for them, and and AND. Because for most of us, that's part of Real Life which you have managed to bow out of, for the most part, aside from staying home and relaxing and answering calls from your mother which you 'don't mind doing at all'. Which is your prerogative, certainly.

But please reserve YOUR judgment for US like you've been telling US to do for YOU.

I don't like Twitter; I find it depressing and rather offensive. So I deleted my account there. I suggest you do the same here if you don't like Aging Care.

Yes, this forum is depressing. However, many activities in life are depressing. However, someone has to do it. How about being a gravedigger? a forensic officer? an autopsy doctor? an embalmer?, a paramedic?, a policeman?, a firefighter? etc, etc. Being a caregiver of disabled old people is not a neat and happy occupation, but it got to be done. Some of the worst scenarios are portrayed in this forum, because the good ones don't need to be reported.

The ones who have positive experiences don't need this forum. My Mom was actually easy when it came to Dementia. I joined the group because I learned so much concerning Medicaid and found I could contribute something. I worked as a secretary for a VNA and handled the renting of durable equipment. Working with Nurses you learn a lot. Having a daughter who is an RN who worked in rehab/nursing homes gives me some insite there.

Taking care of someone 24/7 is depressing. Your life is not your own. Many times it's a senior caring for a senior. There are many sides to Dementia. Some there is violence. Stubborn and abusive parents and are another problem.

Your profile says your Mom has mobility problems. Be thankful that all she has. When Dementia is involved there is no reasoning with them. They think they can walk when they can't. Reason for falls.

Nice to see a fellow New Jersian. I am from SW Jersey.

I came here because I was DESPERATE for answers to cope with my mother who has dementia.

I have seen here that caregivers who are NOT caregiving for someone with a dementia can seem to have more positive experiences than those who do.

When dementia enters the picture, a loved one can turn into, at least in my case, a Mr. Hyde, when they have been a Dr. Jekyl their whole life. It’s absolutely, desperately, crazy-making.

I see that has not been your experience. It is, for, what seems to me, the majority of posts you may see here. That could be another reason why you’re not seeing “positive” experiences.

Hi again, James:
After having a bit more time I scrolled down to see other answers to you, and I so much more understand "where you are coming from".
It is lovely that you are happier being a caregiver than you have ever been in your life. I think that's wonderful. And your posting here has given a "view" from the other side, which is ALWAYS great.
You may find your "peace" and happiness continue on better without visiting here. But you know it is here if you even have need of it, and do know you will ALWAYS be welcome here if you have a question for us.
As to your question about why you cannot "answer" posters here, apparently your question was considered more "discussion" than "questions". The admins are very active on AgingCare and they will move posts sometimes from Question to Discussion and vice versa. In questions you can press on "reply to" below a response. But in discussions you simply do as you have here. You re-post whatever input you have. If your input is to a specific person, just give their name. If to all of us just do as you did below and comment.
Good luck to you. My wish is for your continued happiness in caring for your Mom. That you are overall happy and content in this is a credit to your adaptability.

Don't stick around if it's too depressing. JMO but I think most daughters have a less than positive experience with caregiving with their mothers. My own experience with my mother was less than rewarding. It was daily torture for me. My dad was great and so was his brother.

Good for you, JamesG4Justice if your experience being an elderly caregiver has been wonderful and positive. God bless and you're a lucky man.
The same cannot be said for most people. Like Midkid lower in the thread says for so many of us there is also a history of toxic family, abuse situations, and money issues.
This is a support group. People who are not having a difficult time and not struggling with caregiving don't need a support group.
Also, this site is not an airport. You can go without announcing your departure.

I will say that what was said to you by one poster in your other thread was not warranted. You should not have been "questioned" for enjoying your currently life and life style with your mother.

With that said remember you owe no one hear and explanation, but with 14 years under your belt as a caregiver especially one doing it while at home you do have a wealth of knowledge based around experience that would be helpful to many.

I have noticed generally those that care for members in their home are in the minority especially positive cases. Which makes sense why seek help or support unless something is wrong. Even still as one poster mentioned in your thread I do hope you keep posting and share your positive experiences when it comes to cargiving. We often hear about how caregiver destroyed families and lives, very rarely do we hear about how it has enriched and promoted happiness.

Please share your story, vent, or just look around. It is not all bad.

James,

I'm sorry this site was not all you hoped it to be.

In life, people who are content and happy and functional tend to not need the support that this site gives to so many of us who struggle with CG and who need the support to get through problems and come out the other end with peace and calm.

It sounds like you already ARE peaceful and calm and that's wonderful for you.

For those of us who have to deal with toxic family, abuse situations, money issues--this site has helped tremendously.

There's actually a LOT of nice things said on here--a lot of cheerleading and support. I noticed it especially during COVID when so many of us were trying to do CG in the midst of that.

James, did you come to Forum because you are a caregiver?
Or are you considering becoming a caregiver?
Are there any reasons you came to the Forum?
Did you have questions you wanted answered, and did you post them?
This is an elder care Forum. It involves people who for the most part are coming for HELP because they want answers.
For instance, someone yesterday was new to assuming Trustee and POA duties and had a question.
For instance today someone is trying to deal with an in-law with an abandoned truck without a title.
For instance someone is considering whether Hospice is appropriate. Whether they can report an incompetent Mom insisting on driving to the DMV. Whether Granny's giving money to grandson's college is "gifting". Whether a reverse mortgage is good or bad.
For instance, someone's Mom has a hacked email account. Someone's DIL feels unappreciated. Someone's Dad is clogging the plumbing. Someone keeps getting bladder infections.
So yes, absolutely, PROBLEMS.
For the most part, when things are GOOD you don't hear from that person.
As an RN I used to say: "realize we are terrified about blood thinners because we see the ones with the side effects; most of the patients are home and doing well, with years added to their lives".
If you don't need Forum, then please, don't stay here; we aren't meant to be a sad-movie-of-the-day for anyone.
I came here about four years ago quite desperate and afraid, having been called by a Hospital at the other end of the state about my 82 year old bro in for a serious accident "and oh, by the way, incidental finding of probably early Lewy's Dementia.Unless we are looking at stroke. And by the way, there's a brain tumor, looks old and calcified, but still". I was so afraid.
I was at the beginning of a years long journey to help my bro. To become his Trustee, his POA, to get his last home sold and help him move to ALF, to help him adjust.
My beloved brother is gone now, and it WAS a journey, and we had to get through it together as we had everything else in our lives, my Gretel to his Hansel in the dark woods. I can't tell you what these people meant to me in terms of support. At the time I grabbed this Forum like a life preserver and I admit that now, several years almost after my brother's death, I admit--I am addicted!
So James, I can only say I am so happy you don't need us now, and I hope you never do. And if you take on elder care or become elderly, I hope you never have bad days in which you have questions or need support. I truly, truly do hope that.
But for now, make out your POA and Will, save up for aging, make great friends, enjoy life.
Our best out to you.
Some here have become a "close" community in so far as Social Media goes. But if you head on over to my other favorite, Facebook, you will find a community that is great fun for you, and you don't have to spend any more time on the problems of aging unless you wish to visit here. I do art there, nature and animals and gardening and who watches Sister Wives. It's all great fun.
My good man, I know you are right. There are people out there right now, elderly (I am 80 and OK, thanks) or caring for elderly, which I did as an RN all my career, who are absolutely perfectly happy. Go find them, and enjoy. For everything there is a season.

hi :),

this is a general comment, not directed at you james.
just what's on my mind...

why are some stories depressing?
...many people have LOs going through very difficult emergencies
...huge health issues, even in "calm, non-emergency times"...
...many caregivers themselves start having BIG health problems because of the enormous stress, exhaustion of caregiving
...some people are stuck in roles they didn't want, because their siblings ran away from helping. some people's lives are being eaten away, torn between how much to help LO, and how much to help their own life.

also ---
...MANY women are treated very badly by their aging parents.
...sons/males, sometimes too. but it's MUCH more common for women/daughters/females to be abused by their aging LOs. often it's the mother abusing the sweet, helping daughter. mothers tend to be nice to their sons. sometimes fathers are also abusive.

the majority of daughters helping, have siblings who ran away, dumped it all on them. there are also only-children helping, of course.

it is rare for sons to help their aging parents. it happens. but it's rare. if they have sisters, it is VERY common for them to dump it on the sister.

there are always exceptions.
i'm talking about the majority.

so...when you mix all that in...
there's frustration/unfairness/exhaustion/pain/abuse/your own health affected...
etc...

...sometimes there's no dementia involved, and still the caregiver (usually female) is abused/targeted...
...sometimes there's dementia involved, and the caregiver (usually female) is abused/targeted...

--------------

it's not easy.
when nice things happen, positive stories in the midst of all that, great :).

By all means, James, don't post or read. We are just trying to make it through the day and work with each other to make difficult situations a bit more bearable. If that's "harshing your head" then it's of no use to you, then why bother commenting?

By all means, protect yourself from anything you can that depresses you.

Most of us who are actively caregiving find both the roses and the thorns.

What sort of “positive stories” were you expecting?

Also, please don’t put more than you can spare on your bet. I’m pretty sure you won’t be recouping.

hugs james!! :)
by goals/dreams, i mean whatever you would like that to be! :)
and as i said, i'm sure you're already pursuing your goals/dreams :). as you said, you are: to relax.

(by the way, when an OP's question is posted in discussion section, like here, it's not possible to reply underneath someone's answer. that's why you weren't able to).

as for love/relationships/friendships...it all depends on who one bumps into.
luck/bad luck.

:)

hopefully you liked my positive stories :).
it was amazing to be informed by the doctor 2 days ago, that my father had been singing.
(he continued singing after too, in the car, from hospital back home; the caregiver drove).
:)

------
wishing everyone a great day!!

bundle of joy :)

James, you can not respond as this is listed as a "Discussion" not as a regular question where you would get to reply to a comment.

A comment though. Many that post questions here are having problems with some part of caregiving. If things are going smoothly and everything is "perfect" there would be no need for this Forum.
Now that my "Journey" is over I like to share some of the solutions I found by way of trial and error so that someone else does not have to follow the same route and make the same mistakes. Even the depressing stories, if you read them it can give you an insight and you can be thankful that you do not have a problems such as those that you read. AND if there comes a time when a like problem arises for you you will remember that there are solutions.

I do not know why it will not let me reply to anyone who replied to me on this thread. But to answer 'bundleofjoy' I will say this. I am done with friendships and relationships in life. For me every friendship or relationship I was ever in was a scam or based on bad things. From age 14 - 42. I was miserable. And it was all too much hassle and caused too much trouble. And as for work. It got me nowhere. I was an analytical chemist for 20 years in pharmaceutical industry, in several companies. I worked on the bench, was supervisor, manager, big and small companies. I enjoyed the work only because it suited my personality. But in reality it was a severe hardship that got me no where. The past 13 years have been the best of my life. I thank God for giving it to me. As far as dreams go, all I want to do is relax. I do not even have a smart phone. Never had one. I have a tracfone flip phone I got at Target for 20 dollars and pay $20 every 3 months to keep the account, as the minutes never go away, accumulated for life. I never use it or have it on ever. I have no one to call and no one who calls me. I am at the highest level of peace I have been in life. That is my dream. To stay relaxed. God provided all this for me. He will not let me go down after I lose my mom. I am sure of it.

Ok. I have been taking care of my mom for the past 13 years. At age 70 she was in a devastating car accident that handicapped her for life. Her legs are like glass as she says. She is the strongest woman to go through what she went through. And now at age 83 she can get around a little and cook and plan, and generally is pretty good. As for me, taking care of her with the house, shopping, driving her to doctors, and all kinds of stuff, has improved my life exponentially. I see my main functions as keeping her from depression. Having her be happy. Protecting her from danger in the house. And watching over things. Keep life going for her and me. She would never be able to live here alone in this house. There are so many little things I do everyday that most people take for granted. But put all the little things aside. My mom would fall into deep depression being alone with no one to talk to and interact with. She has been in a rehab nursing facility for many months after the accident and she hated it. It almost killed her, after the accident that almost did. She was transfered to a 2nd nursing home to be closer to home and there she begged the therapist there to let her come home, saying being there was destroying her. She had yet to even stand up, let alone walk yet. She had a fixator on one leg still. But they let me take her home after meeting with them. From there life got better and better for both of us. Took me a while to get my own terrible past out of my system, but slowly day by day year by year it went away. Now life is so much better. God works in mysterious way. God gave me this opportunity to take care of my mom who took care of me my whole life. I took it. This is the happiest I have ever been in life.

dear james :),

you sound verrry loving, caring towards your mother! :) :)
(as you know, my only suggestion to you is...please be super loving, caring to yourself too! go for a full life! go for love/dreams/goals! i'm sure you already do. i just mean, don't give up on love, relationships, etc.).
:)

sometimes people attack other people on this website. plain rude, mean.
if possible, try to ignore it.
it happens also when one simply has a different opinion.

luckily, many people on this website are nice.
encouraging, practical, sincere advice :).

----
regarding positive stories...
it's true that many people are having a hard time. sometimes you find people here who -- understand you, all the difficult (negative things) you're going through.
it helps to be anonymous as well. one can feel more free to speak (with the exception of unjustified, unkind attacks sometimes).

-----
also james...
women/daughters tend to be treated MUCH WORSE than sons.
:(

it is no wonder that many stories contain pain.
(totally unnecessary pain created by LOs towards the women helping them).

-----
let me share some positivity :) :) :).

i love and adore my parents!!!! :) :) :) :)
they're amazing. inspired me my whole life!
they're honorable, kind, very good people.

1 of my LOs, unfortunately, sometimes is abusive (sorry, here comes the negative. but it's how it is). abusive (their whole life).
...switches between kind, abusive...
...like many abusive people, the more stressed /unhappy they are, the more they'll lash out. the attitude is "i don't like the situation i'm in, and it's your fault!"
...and when things are calm, my LO is very kind, nice. in reality, sincerely appreciative of all the help i give.

back to the positive...
i adore my parents. i wish them to live loooong and happy.

my mother and i have sudoku battles.
i feed her sukodu (sometimes, for breakfast, lunch, dinner).
i feed my father newspapers (i feed my mother newspapers, too).
they literally eat up newspapers. (their whole life).

i'm very lucky that - right now - is a calm phase. (no emergencies).
(i helped with mannnny emergencies, saved their lives mannnny times).

my father (91!) has an amazing sense of humour (always).
(even when he's totally sick, injured, whatever). amazing.
(while in the meantime, i'm secretly, silently freaking out).
he's a genuinely calm person (whole life).

recently, the caregiver said to my father, "careful, walk slowly."

my father said, "slow is the only speed i know."

-----

ah----and 2 days ago, my father had to do a procedure at the hospital (standard procedure, but there's always a risk). i was silently worried, while my father was with the doctor in another room. all went fine!
and the doctor later informed me, that my father had been singing happily during the whole procedure!! incredible.


hug!! :)

bundle of joy :)

I lurked here a year before I summoned the courage to join in, and then stayed pretty low key for a long time before I found like minded trustworthy friends whose advice I respected (even when I didn't always agree). The site is certainly eye opening about all the many ways family and culture affect elder care and about the difficulties so many face because of it; it's also a wonderful resource where people can share their fears and frustrations as well as brainstorm practical tips. We mostly hear the negative because posters are here because they have problems they need help with, those without any problems don't need help and therefore aren't posting here - right? If you only want positive stories perhaps you should read "chicken soup for the soul".

Do you have something positive yourself to share?