I had a strong desire to call my mom today.
I haven’t called mom very frequently, no more than once a week because I needed time for myself to adjust after my caregiver days ended.
Then as most of you know, my husband got prostate cancer so naturally my heart was first and foremost with him.
He is the love of my life. Next month we will celebrate 43 years of marriage.
As most of you know, my brothers and I have a strained relationship.
I took care of mom for 20 years all alone as the primary caregiver, 15 years in my home and was heading for completely burning out. I tried to involve my brothers in mom’s care but they weren’t interested in anything but themselves.
When my brothers were involved it was to criticize me because mom had a habit of stirring the pot, which caused stress for everyone.
I got fed up and told my mom to go live with my brother and sister in law. I had done more than my share.
Needless to say, this is never the relationship that anyone wishes to have with family members. I always desired to live in harmony.
Sometimes family dynamics evolve into complex situations filled with a mixed bag of emotions.
I don’t know how I managed to be the primary caregiver for as long as I did. Parkinson’s disease is brutal.
I also cared for my oldest brother and dad before they died. I have seen so much sadness in my life due to various issues.
It changed me watching my mother suffer endlessly. I lived in depression and had enormous anxiety as a primary caregiver without help.
My brother answered the phone when I called mom today.
He told me that mom is now bed bound in a hospice facility. I feel relieved that she is now in a facility. It’s truly for the best.
One of our long time posters (Lealonnie) comforted me throughout my entire caregiving and afterwards. I will forever be grateful. She has a heart of gold and truly understands suffering. She told me that my brother would see what I went through with my mom as he cared for her in his home. She was 100 percent correct!
We needed distance from each other in order for healing to occur. He apologized to me and said, “I now know what you went through. I am so sorry that I wasn’t a brother for you to talk to. I was wrong and should have supported you.” I cried so hard hearing these words.
When he took over mom’s care I did not interfere as he did with me. Mom would never complain to me about him because she is very old fashioned and won’t criticize a man. It’s common for some women in mom’s era to feel like the man has authority over women. Mom is 95.
I am so grateful for everyone on this forum. You have helped me more than you know. I can’t list everyone because the list would be too long but I hope you know how much I have appreciated your help.
This is a very emotional time for me. I will be going to see my mom very soon.
It scared us when it stopped because it stopped abruptly with no warning. She exhaled one last breath and I remember the room feeling so cold. I asked to switch seats with my brother so he did.
Prayers and hugs to you. You are strong. You will get through this!!
That does make sense, because where would your mom have gone?
I think that your mom did choose that time and place to leave.
My mom has those sponge things too. She can’t swallow so no more ice chips spooned into her mouth.
Thanks for explaining this to me because I haven’t heard anyone tell me they have measured breathing before.
Mom is getting that medication for breathing. My brother just told me they started giving that to her. Plus morphine every 2 hours and Ativan. Oxygen on too.
I am concerned about him because he has serious heart issues.
My brother won’t leave her side, even after the hospice staff told him sometimes they don’t want to die in front of us.
It’s interesting, the hospice nurse said the last thing that they have control of is deciding when they leave.
It may be six years since your dad died but we remember these things forever.
My brother had oxygen, he pulled it off, they left it off. He became non responsive and died shortly afterwards.
They stopped giving mom her Parkinson’s meds. They continue on with comfort care.
Mom’s mouth is wide open. Her eyes have been closed for days.
My husband was exhausted and went to bed. I am not even sleepy. I keep thinking about mom and that my brother will be calling soon to say that she is gone.
I can’t sleep. I am wired. I just made hot cocoa. I don’t feel like going to bed.
I am afraid if I close my eyes I will have bad dreams or something. I guess you think that I am like a scared little girl when I am 65 years old!
My husband went to bed and I don’t want to wake him up. He has work tomorrow.
There isn’t anything left from my childhood.
Hurricane Katrina destroyed my mother’s house and all of the contents.
Mom still hasn’t let go of the rosary that I gave her. They asked if I wanted it. I told them to let her keep it until she dies.
It’s so sweet that your mom kept the letter that you wrote. It meant something to her or she would have thrown it away.
Feeling numb, crying buckets, laughing at the funny memories. Strength to you for all of it.
Lea, I thought the same thing when I gave that stuff to my mom...I really didn't think it did anything. In fact, I remember thinking "maybe it's just a placebo so the family thinks they're doing something to help..."
NHWM, I hope you can convince your brother to leave for a while to get some sleep. You might be right about your mom waiting until she's alone to pass. I'm glad, anyway, that you're leaving for a few hours at a time - it's good that you're taking a break, it's such an emotional process, I think for our mental health alone, never mind our physical health, we need to step away to decompress. I certainly did with my mom...my husband had to do a little arm-twisting, but eventually I listened to him, and I don't look back at that with any sort of regrets.
Still keeping you in my prayers...(((hugs)))
I'm so glad to hear of the wonderful care your mom is receiving throughout this, what a blessing for you to know she’s in good hands. Advising you to rest and practice self care is likely useless, but I hope you’ll find moments that it happens. I’ve thought of you and your mom more than anyone would think for people I’ve not met in person. Peace and calm...
((((Hugs))))))
My brother just called my husband. He was concerned about me. I think that he felt more comfortable with my husband telling me that my mother is gone.
My brother went home late last night. He went back early this morning and was with her when she died.
I hope that my brother will begin to look after himself now.
He has heart issues. Mom would want him to take care of himself.
I saw him doing exactly as I did, we neglect ourselves as we care for others. Every caregiver on this forum lives in my heart. I understand how hard it is for you and hope that I can bring comfort to you in some small way.
I will forever be grateful for the hospice house. I will forever be grateful for my mother’s prayers for all of us. I certainly prayed for her as well.
I believe that she did have a peaceful death. That is what we wanted for her.
Each of us has our own beliefs. We are all entitled to believe as we do.
I will most definitely have a Mass said at St. Louis Cathedral. Mom was christened there in 1925.
I don’t claim to know exactly what happens at the time of death.
I can share my dream though. I hope that she transitioned to see Jesus, her guardian angel, my father and brother, my grandparents and her sister and brother, plus many others that she loved.
I hope that Frank Sinatra is singing mom and dad’s song and they are dancing in each other’s arms again, now and forever.
Oh my gosh, I just fell apart. I looked up at the television that I forgot to turn off late last night.
Guess what I saw? My mom’s soap opera!
I suppose that she will be watching, ‘The Young and the Restless’ on a big screen without her hearing aid or headphones.
I know your mom is dancing in heaven with your dad right now, after hugging her son again in a blissful reunion.
Sending you hugs of love and many prayers for peace
I have phone calls to make. I have to pull myself together.
Whew, I really don’t want my 98 year old cousin to be overly concerned for me.
She’s a spitfire! I love her to pieces but she can be a handful!
I don’t want her to get in her car and drive over here. She will end up with another speeding ticket and telling off another cop!
Pray for me. I am not looking forward to making these calls.
As I was standing in my backyard feeling the warmth of the sunshine, I felt a gentle breeze blowing. It felt as if mom was letting me know that she is at peace.
I don’t think I am ready to make phone calls yet.
What is the protocol for this? Do I have to do this now?
I have a tree in my yard that my best friend gave me when my father died. It’s a beautiful maple tree that has grown so tall. Daddy died in 2002. I immediately glanced over at it and felt joy that mom is now with my daddy.
Sent you to a private message. Hugs to you.
Maybe I will ask my daughters to make some of the phone calls.
My brother is busy with final details for mom. She’s being cremated.
There are out of town family members that need time to make arrangements for traveling.
We are only doing a simple memorial when we can coordinate schedules.
I am going to have a Mass said for mom but I don’t expect everyone to attend it. It’s something personal for me.
In our faith, we remember our dead and consider them to be part of the communion of saints.
We pray for the souls of our dead in every Mass but we also have the option of having a Mass said for them.
I remember the first Father’s Day was really hard after he died.
Mother’s Day is just around the corner. I am sure that it will be difficult but I am glad that she is with her mom in heaven.
My mom and grandma were very close. My grandmother was a very special woman and mom loved her very much.