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There are 4 sisters in our family. My oldest being 88 years old in good health. She recently lost her husband. She has 3 grown children none are willing to help her out or take her in or find a place for her. Or at least that's what we've been told. My sister has reached out to one of my sisters (who is married) to ask if she can come live with her. There is a 17-year age difference. I have read many responses to having parents or in-laws moving in with you. How do you feel about elderly siblings moving in? I'm apprehensive for them as I feel their lives will never be the same. They will not be her caregiver per se NOW but her health WILL decline.... then what? They still will have to do minimal caregiver duties... driving her to doctors appointments... etc..



And the brother in law gets along with the 88-year-old sister.



Your thoughts...

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Is a family meeting possible? Instead of moving in, is there an Assisted Living facility close to where she'd like to move to?
88 is too old for a 71 year old to care for, it's too much. Someone is going to fall, break something and we all know where that goes.
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Thought I answered this.

I would check out options for your sister before I had her move in with anyone. If she has a home she can sell and go into an IL or AL. I am 72 and would not take a sibling in. She may be healthy today but a debilitating stroke tomorrow. Is your younger sister ready to give up what is the rest of her life. Is older sister willing to stay home while her sister and husband do their thing or will she expect them to take them with them. There should be a contract where she pays to live there. I have told my DH for years 2 women cannot live in the same house especially when one owns it. I don't care how well people get along, living together is not the same thing.

Your older sister needs to adjust to her situation. Its really early to make longterm plans.
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I moved in with my best friend 9 years ago when I was rather limited on options. She was more than welcoming. We had tossed around the idea of living together when we grew old, to help each other out. Old just came sooner than we expected. She’s now 69 and I’m 67.

It’s worked out great! It helps that we’ve always liked the same things. A few things are off: she’s an early bird and I’m an insomniac. But we are just quiet when the other sleeps.

I highly recommend it!
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venting Apr 2022
Nice! It's grrrreat to hear about stories where things work out.
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Why does she NEED to live with anyone if she is in good health? Can't she move near someone but not in with them.
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What are YOU doing to plan for your sister's care? That's my question.

And, what has your SISTER done to plan for her OWN care? That's my second question.

To assume that anyone 'must' take her in to live with them is the problem. Plans should be made to get her set up with either;
1: in home caregivers
2: in Independent Senior Living if she doesn't need help or
3: Assisted Living if she needs help & has the finances to support it, or
4: Skilled Nursing with Medicaid if she has a lot of health issues and no finances.

In my world, it's up to your sister's children to figure out how to help their mother make her future care plans. Whoever 'told you' her children aren't willing to step up may not have the full picture. Your sister should take the matter up with her grown children and ask them for their help & guidance in getting set up accordingly.
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Have any of the parties involved ask for your input?
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It can work. My great aunts were like chalk and cheese and they still made a great partnership until the younger one died. Note: they did keep their own apartments but they were always both at one property or the other. I don't know if having an escape clause in that way made any difference!
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No, No, No
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Dear Tina,

This is a tough situation. 88 years old is a vulnerable time in one's life. It's sad that none of her adult children want to pull together and find an option that would help their mom. Is there a specific reason?

Ideally she would be a nursing home or care facility given her age. Because I feel it would be safer to have 24 hour supervision if possible.

I know we all mean well and want to be helpful but the youngest and her husband might come to regret this decision. Over time being a full time caregiver can lead to resentment and anger and frustration. There is a lots to discuss and consider before making this big decision.

I hope your family can have a talk to figure out what is best for your oldest sibling. It must be a scary and sad time for her to lose her husband and living alone at 88 years old.
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sp19690 Apr 2022
I am sure the adult children have a very good reason why they don't want her miving in with them.
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For me it would be an "it all depends". If the threesome gets along, would ENJOY living together, there is plenty of room for privacy, then that is one thing. If all those things aren't true, that's another.
Looked at one way--there are often two persons of similar age living together. If there is room and willingness, then why not three? For instance, I am 80. My partner is 82. It is clear to us at this point that ONE of us will not be whole and able at SOME point. We are willing to help when/where/how, to support, to the limits of our abilities, but we speak of it and we KNOW our limitations. Know that one of us may need to be placed for safe care at some point.
All of this should be understood. That it will be taken day by day. That in age no one of them will be able to care for the other, and a "downturn" of some point may need to end with placement. I would work out all financial and health possibilities before hand as much as possible, knowing things will be missed. There needs to be frank and honest discussions and understandings before a move and it should be done on an experimental basis with discussions about lifestyle, privacy, costs, possibilities going forward, reassessments on a bi-yearly basis, and etc.
Everyone is different. I find it difficult to live with anyone, so wouldn't be adding persons to my household; I pretty much know that ongoing. Some people are "more the merrier" by nature.
Best of luck. Everything cannot be foreseen. Just try to plan for what you DO foresee.
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