I am 65 and have been married to my wife for 45 years. We always had a very good sex life. She now has a neurological disease that has completely taken away her sex drive and has made her so physically frail that sex would actually cause me fear of seriously hurting her. I am so sad and depressed because this disease has robbed me of my partner and my lover. I am still in good health and good shape and still have a strong desire for physical intimacy. I have talked about this with her and it usually just ends with me in tears because in the end she just has no desire any longer which takes away from any enjoyment I would get if anything ever would happen. I have read articles that say snuggle more, hold hands or other types of activities for physical closeness. But to be blunt, I need good old fashioned sex and I'm so depressed and even angry after being celibate for so long. How do I get past this? I cannot imagine living the rest of my life this way and yet there is no way out. I have been faithful for our entire marriage but now sometimes wish I could find a "friend with benefits". That's how fed up I'm getting. My wife is still the love of my life and I'm just so torn. Something has to give somewhere. I can't be the only one with this problem so if anyone has any advice please share it with me.
Cheating is dishonest i.e. done behind someone's back. I asked poster if he asked his wife the question. I did not suggest he be dishonest.
"I am 65 in good health. My wife has been diagnosed with ataxia, a degenerative neurological disease. She has great difficulty getting around even with a walker and needs help with bathroom, bedtime and meal time. I’ve pretty much lost my wife and partner and now have a roommate that takes almost all of my time. I was 19 when we got married and love her very much and I am glad I’m able to care for her. But it’s still so hard to not have a life any longer, especially since she’s only 63 and knowing this will be my life for the rest of my life. This is even harder mentally and emotionally than it is physically. I get depressed missing the things we did together. And our sex life doesn’t exist any longer due to her physical problems and her emotional lack of desire. I’m still healthy with a desire for sexual activity. A couple of her sisters try to give me a break if I ask but their lives are just as busy as everyone else’s so I feel guilty when I get to the breaking point and ask for some time off. We have 2 wonderful daughters but neither are able to help much because they’re out of state with busy jobs ( one is a doctor and the other is a high level staff member to a member of congress). Finances are not a problem at this time fortunately, but with the prices of in house care they could become a problem eventually if it comes to that. I feel guilty if I try to do something for myself and she’s stuck at home even if just for a short time. Grocery shopping has become almost something to look forward to. I do all household chores in addition to yard work and home maintenance so I’m burning the candle at both ends. I live sleep deprived."
condone extramarital affairs, even in this situation. If you do, fine. Let's be honest -
what's left? Unless you have the ability to totally control those desires the answer is self gratification. I don't like it and you may feel it's being unfaithful. Got a better solution? It's a struggle. One day I'll answer to God for it and He will be the judge, no one else. In the mean time I'll just try to minimize the need, pray and love my wife of whom I'm the sole caregiver.
If I were the OP I would love this answer. Non judgmental answers are comforting and thought provoking. Harsh judgment, even though someone may have good intentions can block someone from working through a situation.
He turned himself off and was faithful the last how many years.
When my DH turned 93 and started being afraid of having a heart attack, I did the same and turned myself off. Now he's gone and I don't know how to find another willing partner. I'm only 67 but I have no allusions to marriage, I'm just horny and don't want to buy a "BOB" (battery operated boyfriend) - so I can relate, even if I have no advice.
A well-meaning widower put me into "widow-lust" but he has no desire to take care of my needs. It is a quandary. Pity we don't live closer, lol, but I don't condone adultery even if I wouldn't mind being the other woman.
I admire your conviction and your holding true to your beliefs. I really do. We are merely pointing out that there are going to be different opinions expressed. We are all entitled to our own opinions.
We can’t always agree. Geeeez, it is hard enough for people to agree on simple issues let alone complex issues like the OP has.
I just want to say that I hope we haven’t made you feel ‘singled out or picked on.’ I would never want you to feel that way.
It’s certainly acceptable for any of us to debate an issue. Sometimes in the end we have to agree to disagree.
I've explained to my DW that when the time comes for me to be put in Memory Care, I want to be placed 100 miles from where we live. I don't want her nor our children to feel they have to spend everyday visiting me. I want it to be inconvenient for them, so they'll be able to get on with their own lives. I won't know any differently. I've watched both a maternal uncle and my stepfather die from ALZ. I also told the children, let mom get on with life, find a friend with benefits who she can enjoy time with, like we have for the 25yrs we've been married and dating. I have declined significantly in the last 6 mos.
I still continue to do what I am able to do for the family, and the list is getting shorter. I want my DW and family to continue enjoying life and not look back, life is for the living. Life has been good to us, we've practiced our faith and practiced it since we began dating. We've had a great marriage, I don't want her to spend the rest of her life being lonely, she has a lot to offer another man. Why shouldn't she feel free to make a new life for herself.
find another in the same boat.
None of us our saints sinners or martyrs
Have fun
You asked a good question, I hope you can find YOUR answer, not someone elses. What does your wife say? If she wants to make love to you, perhaps her OBGYN can help with some ideas. As one writer put it, have you talked to her doctor about this? Maybe she isn't as delicate as you think her to be. Side by side love can be very wonderful.
If she isn't willing or physically able to accommodate you, you do have a problem. Could you have a "Friend with Benefits" and keep it to yourself? Your wife should not know. It will just harm your marriage. Can you do it without being emotionally entangled? Only you know the answer. If you do go this route, I strongly urge both of you to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases before deepening your friendship.
My heart goes out to you, and remember, you are not alone out there.
Some cannot do this due to enormous guilt. Then you are telling for your benefit and not the other party.
I know people who have told me they wish they had never found out about an affair that had long been over, or especially a one night stand over a long affair. Some therapist even claim emotional affairs are more damaging because a person’s heart becomes involved over something that is purely physical.
Some people truly would rather not know.
People struggle with would they tell a friend about their spouse having an affair. I don’t think I would because sometimes they already know and they would not ever want to discuss their private lives with others. Tough call to make because it can not only harm the couple but a friendship too.
The other side side of the coin is some people would rather know. So it is terribly complicated. Not as cut and dry as some would like us to believe.
So thank you to everyone for understanding that even at my age I still desire physical love and miss closeness and sharing that goes with it. I'm just a normal nice guy who is trying to find a way to deal with something that most people would rather not talk about.
Thank you for your courage in bringing up this topic. I am a bit surprised by the levels of judgment in several responses. You may be familiar with the term polyamory. This refers to the practice of consciously exploring non-monogamous relationships. In a circumstance like yours, this may be valuable to look into. There are multiple websites and various groups that provide the opportunity to openly and honestly discuss these perspectives. There is nothing wrong with having a healthy sex drive at age 65 (or 70 or 75 for that matter). As we age and continue to take care of our health, sexual desire is simply a normal aspect of who we are as human beings (in spite of the guilt, shame and condemnation often associated with it). From my perspective, since the deepest, most unconditional love involves placing the other's needs first, it seems a perfectly viable and loving alternative for your spouse to honor your needs and for you to find an intimate partner. It takes nothing away from your existing relationship; you obviously are deeply devoted to your wife; and, this option allows you to fulfill a legitimate need. Of course, I don't know the nature of your and your spouse's history, beliefs about sexuality, religious perspectives, and so forth. I know that I plan to have this discussion with my own partner, and fully expect that we will come to an agreement that, should either one of us become incapable of physical intimacy, that the other partner would be free to fill this need in a healthy and honest way. I wish you the best in this challenging situation, and hope that you will be able to remain unimpacted by the harsh judgements of those who would project their morality, insecurities and shame on you.
Life is full of those who "dont pay your rent but want you to live there way".
I have the same situation. My wife has dementia. I feel like I failed as a man because I could not fix this already, and then the intimate part of our relationship is GONE also.
I know if it were me I would tell my wife LEAVE ME and find a new person to make your life great! She would not deserve to be ran through what is coming.
I will not leave her but I have desires. Her happiness is all I really care about. I dont have the horsepower to ask her what I should do for the warm love that I miss so badly.
I am a lucky man to have had the time we have had together.
This is just ripping me apart.
I agree that I am the one who has to live with the decisions I make.
God Bless.
In fact, I have a hard time understanding people who don't need it. I guess all of us just have to accept our uniqueness in this part of life also.
As I see it a spouse has three choices.
1. Divorce and throw them to the wolves.
2. Put on a robe and cowl learn abstinence.
3. Find and understand maybe even a knowledgeable and experienced partner and have any arrangement.
For me #1 is repugnant and I refuse to even consider it.
Number 2 will cause resentment eventually and most likely reduce the quality of my caregiving.
Number 3 means lots of guilt and discomfort and even possible disappointment and shame. But that's on me I will only have myself to blame cause me mostly to feel I need to make sure my caregiving is the best.
To paraphrase Spock: "I have a responsibility to my marriage to my wife. I am what I am, and If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them. Mine can be no worse than someone else's.
First and most important ..What YOU decide to do is YOUR decision no one has a right to know your business.
Now the crux of the matter. Guilt.
IF you do seek a partner or "friends with benefits" will you feel guilty? When your wife does die will you continue the relationship you have started, or will this truly be a "benefit" relationship and not so much friend? (If that is the case there are ways you can pay for the "benefit" portion with NO emotional entanglement.
If your wife were in a facility and she did have the desire to begin a relationship with a fellow resident how would you feel? Would you feel betrayed? angry?
There are many cases in facilities where residents do become physical.
Being physical is extremely important.
Just the act of hugging, cuddling releases endorphins that make you feel better.
I completely understand the feelings.
My husband was ill for 12 years, he would hold my hand, he would kiss me good night, good by, hello but it was a kiss that was not like the kisses he gave me before. There was no physical contact, he would not hug, when he was verbal he would not say "I love you" and the last 5 years or so he was pretty much non verbal.
Did I miss what we had before ..you bet and I still do.
Did I ever consider a "friends with benefits" arrangement, no.
I have a friend that has and she does not regret it. I think the only thing that does hurt is she will not divorce her husband but she and her partner accept this. (her husband is now aware of the "FWB" situation)
I have not read all the responses to this or the replies to them just enough to know that this is a pretty raw subject and there seems to be no fence sitting when it comes to this topic. Might be one of the reasons so few bring it up.
So bottom line as far as I am concerned.
This is your business.
Do what is right for you
Do not feel guilty about the choice you make, and don't let someone make you feel guilty.
If you feel the need to talk to someone about this ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist.
By the way if you do decide to have a "FWB" moment protect yourself. And get tested periodically
What burns me is the few who have comment on this thread who clearly are giving advice and/or making judgements on an issue they have no personal experience or knowledge of.
You can read in there response as clear as day that the have never experienced living a loving and intimate relationship with a partner (NO CATS DO NOT COUNT!)in their entire life.
Such 'experts' make me sick. Sheesh what gall, what nerve to spew hate filled tyrates on something of which they have no knowledge.
Hey someone had to say it.
Try the cuddle time ..touching caressing..kissing..through-out the day..every day...build up the romance..see if that lights a fire.You'll regret it if you look elsewhere...remember one day...the physical will be no more..but the emotional will remain.
damm ,
call me .. im kinkier than a labradoodle .
My fridge quit and Hubby couldn't understand we have to get another one because 60 degrees in the freezer is not cold enough. The fridge is over 30 years old and has multiple problems (like me), On top of it some of the sprinklers in the yard quit.
He has taken a downturn this last two weeks and I really really needed the uplifting laughter. If I had emojis I would give you a smiley face.
Take good care of yourself.
I was listening to a program on artificial intelligence recently and it totally blows me away. So freakin fascinating! It’s already here and it will get more and more sophisticated. Get used to it. We will eventually have robots as caregivers too. Robots already do surgeries.
Think about the Chinese engineer who designed a robot to be his wife for a moment. He had a lovely wedding with friends and family. He takes her out to dinner. He programmed her to say a few phrases so she won’t get on his nerves by taking too much. He can have sex with her. She doesn’t go shopping and spend any money.
He is going to update her to do housekeeping chores! Wow! No divorce ever in his future, just reprogramming.
Sometimes, all your needs cannot be met, except by yourself.
Bringing in another partner can get you in a lot of trouble, when the female bonds to you, doesn't want to end it, and persuades you to leave your wife. It is not all about you.
A lot of women I know like having a man over for an evening, then send him home. I used to do that myself before marriage. Sometimes, have him spend the night, feed him breakfast, then send him home. Many Widows don't want to get tied down to one man again.
What does a caregiver do about sex? A few do without sex entirely, some find a "friend with benefits", some just masturbate. Most don't talk about it, avoid the answer, or flat out lie about it in order to avoid harsh judgments. I hope you find your way through this maze of care-giving. In all my life I've never met that mythical sainted caregiving spouse everyone talks about. They seem to be everywhere online but in real life every care-giver I know is struggling with one issue or another. Hang in there! Bless you.
I have pd for10 years .It hasn't dulled my desire .Attitude can always adjust regardless the handicap.
The answer is what the average person would do if they were you.
Also to many of those offering advise seem to think that we spouses have been sitting on our hands the whole time not making any effort to keep the sparks alive. It is certainly not the case with any of the spousal caregivers I know,
Also those who believe that true intimacy between a man and a woman can be replaced by your hand, a doll or a toy, please STOP! You clearly have NO idea what true intimacy is and you are making yourselves look like idiots.
I don’t think I would marry again either if my husband died. Boyfriend would be different. I agree.
My friend who divorced after many years said that she is not about to marry again because she did not want to be anyone’s caregiver. She is 70. She says she wouldn’t dream of taking care of an old man! She doesn’t even date.
She is so funny though. I just love laughing with her. She’s a retired nurse. She’s always talking about the good looking doctors that worked at the hospital. She has NEVER looked her age!
One day she was talking about her grown son. The doctor said to her, “You don’t look like you are old enough to have a son that age.” She responded by telling him that she had him as a teenager, that she was young and these things happen and so forth. It was a lie! She didn’t even marry until after she graduated college. She did not want the handsome doctor to know her age! She cracks me up! Her nurse friends in the operating room thought she was crazy! They asked her why she would say those things. She is so vain! She’s just so quirky too. She said to her fellow nurses, “Oh, just let me have fun! What do I care if he thinks I had my son as a teenager. He thinks I am years younger than I actually am!”
She wasn’t a caregiver to her parents. Unfortunately her mom died unexpectedly, her father kind of lost his mind after her mom died.
He became sick and she and her sister decided to place him in a facility. They both were raising children and had full time jobs.
To each his own. Some people fall in love at an advanced age and are happy to marry again. I don’t think it would be for me. My friend would never marry again! She says once around the track is enough for her! LOL
Being lonely is real. Regardless of being married or not the OP is very lonely. Being lonely can lead to depression too.