Abused and tortured as a child, now have to take care of the parent that did this. Advice?

I really don't know where to start, recently I have taken on the care of my mother who has had 2 strokes, is 74, & who tries to sabotage everything I do for her in an attempt to get her care. In my effort to deal with my constant stress & outbursts I have found this forum, perhaps others might be able to help & bring some light into an otherwise difficult situation.

I live overseas with a loving & caring husband, am 50 years with no children. Furthermore my husband is a cancer patient, thankfully in remission. Recently my mother had another fall & then got pneumonia, this is when we both agreed I had to step in & help, but the situation is delicate.

As a single mother my parent went through much trouble & many challenges, when I was 4 she became an alcohol & pill abuser (valium) & was virtually absent for most of my childhood years.

Her boyfriends would abuse me, then sexually groom & abuse me, she was so out of it she claimed to have known nothing, even though the house was littered with child pornography in their attempt to groom me, making it look 'normal'.

One day when I was 7 one of my teachers was chatting to another about her boyfriend, I happened to be close by. I over heard them talking about their partners & popped up to tell them about how my mums boyfriend also 'touches' me & shows me his privates. This is when the proverbial 'sh*t' hit the fan.

That night, after social workers had come & gone & mum was being questioned & targeted by authorities, she got really drunk & took loads of pills & then did terrible things to me. I was passed out for 3 days from the abuse. Then she took me & went on the run. This was the 70's, it was easier then to just disappear.

For years she never sexually abused me again but she did torture & abuse me physically & mentally in every possible conceivable way. Neglect, punishment, denying me food, disappearing for days on end, undermining me, always critical, embarrassing me in public, I cannot begin to describe my childhood years.

When I turned 12 she married a terrible man, who also abused me physically, mentally and sexually. At 15 I ran away from home & lived on the streets.

Eventually at 21 we contacted one another again, she had divorced & was in a same sex relationship with a lovely lady who wanted us to patch things up. It was a tenuous & strained time, but we did manage to sort things out, though she never acknowledged what had happened or asked to discuss the 'dark years'.

As time went by I managed to go to school, then finished Uni. I became a volunteer for the Red Cross with the Disaster & Response Team, took part in many missions around the world. I was awarded the Red Cross Silver Medal for my contributions to the alleviation of mankind's suffering.

I completed 3 post grad degrees in Biosciences and Genetics & carved out a great career in Science. I travelled & did wonderful things, got married to the love of my life.

A while ago mum started to have more falls from her strokes, then she got pneumonia. This was when we decided to see if I can help as she had split from her partner & was alone.

Her care is extensive and inclusive & she has access to all sorts of providers but she keeps sabotaging plans & tells them she is ok. She can hardly get up from her old faulty armchair & often has little 'accidents' but is adamant that she does not! She sabotages attempts at OH visits for home modification whereas other things she can do, like pick up her clothes or wash her plate, she expects others to do for her & acts like she should be served.

I have decided to stay a few months in order to put care into place but she is forever tripping up plans, demanding undivided attention & is always wanting me to wait on her hand & foot.

I have started to question myself & whether all the things that happened in the past are the reasons for my frequent outbursts & mood swings, nthing violent or angry, bt always making me feel as if though I am a bad person.

Thnx 4 reading