Advice on living with aging parent. How can I best support this relationship?
My father passed in 2019, my brother and his wife have moved in with my mother who is 86. Mom does not trust my brother’s wife, my mother is a very private person, my sister in law has told my mom she is an open book and doesn’t hold anything back. When they moved in my brother assured my mom nothing in the house would change, that lasted about 2 seconds and there is no part of the house that has been left untouched. My mother began bringing things into her bedroom of value to her as she is sure they will throw her things out. My brother feels like he is walking a tightrope between his wife and his mother. Both he and his wife get very angry if my mom perceives something is missing and accuses them of throwing it out. I live 6 hours away so I am not involved in the day to day, I do speak with my mom every night on the phone. My calling for over 30 years was working with the geriatric population and I have tried to help my brother and his wife understand the importance of routine and possessions to older people and have advised them to not take her accusations personally. My SIL states she wants what is best for mom but I suspect she agreed to move in in order to “get” the house, I also feel she is jealous of the relationship between my brother and mother and has told my mom in conversations outside of my brothers hearing that she (my mom) is not going to turn him into his father. I have asked my mom to come stay with me, she will not, I think she feels if she leaves things will disappear. Mom is physically active, she did have a stroke in 2010 that impacted her language center, she also has a tendency to become obsessive about things, like the mail (if something comes in she thinks needs immediate attention she will bring it to my brother as soon as he gets home from work and will keep reminding him of it) or something missing (she was looking for her original marriage certificate and didn’t give up until she found it even though I had ordered a copy). Sorry for the long synopsis, how can I best support this relationship? I suspect her wedding anniversary and my father’s birthday last month may have precipitated this latest accusation that they have thrown her things out (they had not, the offending item was in another location) as there was a similar issue last year that had my sister in law threatening to move out. Thanks for any insight you may have.
Your mother wants control because it's her house. That's natural. Every woman wants control over the space where she lives. And that's what your SIL wants. Both are jostling to be queen. Bad idea to live together. I would not like to live under someone else's rules, unless I am a guest for a very short time. I wouldn't move in with my MIL in the first place, and she's a very nice person.
You, your brother and your mom should come up with some other plan that doesn't involve brother and wife living under the same roof with your mother. SIL won't change her behaviors, and neither will your mom.
The problems they have now will only get worse.
So to answer your question of how to support the relationship, first of all, don't tell SIL how to behave because you have 30 years of experience with geriatric population, unless she asks. That just rubs me the wrong way. Second, go and spend time with your mom for an extended period of time (a few weeks) so you can see how things really are. Third, discuss with mom and brother on how best to support her without her having to share her house with anyone (who wants to take over as queen of the house.)
So when we moved in, alot of changes were made. Rails installed for him to grasp, rugs removed, etc. The rails were installed between the bedroom and bathroom to help with falls but no, I ruined her walls. Omg, the junk, seriously, there was a spare bedroom full of empty olive jars and empty plastic containers from ice cream, cottage cheese, yogurt and non matching tupperware. A dumpster was brought in just to throw shit out. It was so disgusting. Not only that the coffee pots had wires showing. It was all pitched.
So, if you ask the mom, I was and still am the devil. I wanted her house and was taking over. In reality, I was doing what PT/OT stated needed to be done to make things livable for both.
The problem was, she whined, b****ed and caused s***. I have been called every name in the book, been physically assalted etc. It is not a good place. All due to lies.
My suggestion to you is to take a road trip and visit your mom. There are always 2 sides to a story and it may not be what it seems.
What I am saying, by making changes in Moms house SIL is causing Mom anxiety especially if MIL has any Dementia from her stroke.
In addition, there are ALOT of suppositions, about the house, about the extent to which SIL has made changes, what SIL has said to mom.
Be aware of the fact that if mom had language center damage (and vascular dementia could also be in play), she may be misunderstanding some of what is said to her.
I would seek to make a trip to mom's to see the situation for yourself, and make sure that whatever suppositions everyone is making about the financial end of this is supportable with a visit to a good eldercare attorney.
Is there any sense that your mother should have the right of self-determination? How would you feel if your mom was in a care home and the workers tossed or changed your mother's surroundings without her permission? You would be outraged, and rightly so.
Has anyone investigated if mother has developed vascular dementia from the stroke? Her insistence on "right now" and accusations of theft sound like that is a good possibility. A consult with a geriatric psychiatrist may be in order.
Has anyone considered that selling the house and going into a good assisted living facility would give your mother MORE autonomy than she has now?
In terms of "getting the house" have you all consulted with an eldercare attorney about how that would work if Medicaid is needed in the next 5 years?
I have a SIL like this. She takes over. In some instances this is a good thing, with my MIL it was not. Her house, her way. And my MIL stood up to my SIL. SIL always thinks her way is best.
This arrangement will not work if SIL does not back off. She has to realize its not her house. I see no problem in SIL doing their bedroom the way she wants or even a sitting area they alone use but she should not be changing things in the rest of the house.
I think you need to talk to your brother saying the changes are upsetting your mother. That it is Moms house even if they are helping her. That you understand that his wife has sacrificed to move in with Mom but she can't make changes in her MILs home.
Frankly if I was not having any problems, was cognizant I would be upset that someone moved into MY house. (upset is putting it mildly) They have invaded "MY" space.
Keep in mind this is STILL mom's house and she should still be the "head of household" and I bet they are not treating her as such.
If mom can manage on her own. if mom is cognizant she should give them a move out date.
If mom needs help she can hire someone to come in daily or several times a week to help her do what needs to be done that she can not do.
Now this all changes if mom is not cognizant and can not manage on her own.
If that is the case then it is a matter of dealing with the day to day problems of dealing with dementia and redirecting and if something is "lost" helping mom look for whatever it is that she wants and redirecting during the search.