This post may be more venting, I don’t know if there’s a solution here. I’ve posted before regarding my mom’s precarious situation. She lives with my sibling and enjoys the social/emotional aspect. She sees her grandkids daily and seems much happier than when she lived alone. Finances are in ruin though due to a massive renovation project, that was abandoned/sold that property upside down, then purchased a very expensive property using mom’s retirement. There’s also a substance abuse component, MCI, and a very controlling/infantilizing part of my sibling over my mom. I try to accomplish as much as I can with my mom on days I take off work so we can call her trustee, estate attorney, bank, CPA, etc., to try to find a solution to the massive debt she’s accumulated. I honestly don’t know that there is a solution at this point, as her debt’s interest is too high and them continuing to live together seems to lead to more spending. Note - my mom is not legally incapacitated so POA is not in effect. We recently obtained an irrevocable trust/trustee, but he only has oversight into her investments at this point. I ruminate, ruminate, ruminate to the point I cannot address my own responsibilities. My husband is burnt out with my anxiety, my blood pressure is rising, and god forbid I hear one more person ask when I’m having kids/buying a house, I may scream! I’m 34 and the brain fog from worrying about my mom/her finances is so overwhelming I can’t focus on my own ‘goals’. I’m just keep hanging on trying to find a solution for her, while hoping I can maintain a job I love (it pays awful - public education, but it’s where I find my happiness so I refuse to quit/become a full time caregiver). Has anyone found a way to balance between problem solving for a family that doesn’t seem to listen to reason, without destroying your own mental health/job responsibilities/future goals-family? I’ve been thinking about joining Al-anon to have a place to at least talk through things, but substance use is just one piece of the issue, as it’s much more complex including mom’s inability to budget due to bereavement (dad died who did the budgeting/mom’s in denial about the status of finances), sibling feels entitled to family finances, and just overall living beyond their means.
As you say, your mother is competent in her own life, her own choices, her own affairs.
Nor are your sister's problems yours.
You are enmmeshed in family trauma-drama to the extent it has negatively impacted your own life and that of your own family.
This complicated screnario is way too complex a story for a Forum to guess at, and I can only suggest that
1. You understand that you are way too involved in this
2. You understand that this is harmful to you, and that you have zero control over it
3. You recognize that this is impacting your own family.
Understanding all that, you continue in this.
I would seek counseling and by that I mean a really good counselor, one who will not listen out her ears while her hands grab your money. But rather one that will shake your world. This is what it takes to break free from the calcified and constricting habits you have formed in this family dynamic.
As adults we must be responsible for our own lives, our own choices. We must take responsibility for where we are at, and choose whether to change our lives or to continue to smolder on the old family funeral pyre.
I hope that you will make good choices for yourself.
No one but you can do it.
You will be very proud of yourself if you can do the work, but more than that, you will be healthy and well and on your way to quality life within your own family. If you cannot do this, then this generational habitual stew will be passed down in the generational pots.
You have no control over the stupid things mom is doing financially. Stop trying to fix her and the mess she made and all future messes.
Sometimes people have to deal with the consequences if their choices. This is one of those times.
And whatever you do, please never let mom move into your house.
Al-Anon is certainly a good place to start. Therapy is also a great place to sort through your emotions.
You’re not directly involved in any of this. That’s a good thing! Yes, it affects you but it doesn’t have to affect your daily life to the point of it taking over your life on a daily basis.
I understand how your husband feels. He wants to have his wife back. He wants you to be happy.
Put yourself in your husband’s shoes. Suppose that he was having a rough time with his family.
Would you want him to be stressed out about it every single second? Or would you rather that when he was home with you that he was present with you?
You would want your husband to be at peace in his life no matter what is going on outside of his home.
I am sure that your husband cares about you and he is upset about you being stressed. Place your energy into finding a way to cope with your family’s situation.
Accept that you don’t have any power to influence your family or control their behavior.
Life is too short to be stressed out all of the time. You have many things to be grateful for, a husband who loves you, a job that you love, etc.
Wishing you all the best.
I have heard people say that when they stop talking out loud or to themselves about an issue they are over it. I believe there is validity to this statement.
You tried , and they just keep spending and getting deeper in debt . This is a lot different than helping someone who was down on their luck from losing a job or had a medical issue and trying to recover .
I have a sister like that , people have given her money over the years , her son took her in free room and board for 10 years , and she still has no money . She always had champagne taste on a beer salary , and now she needs assisted living and can’t pay for it , so my nephew is stuck taking care of her .
I honestly think I would walk away from this situation . I would not take on worrying about the debt your mother has gotten herself into , nor would I ever be her POA and then have to deal with that mess .
Go to Al Anon , learn how to distance from this situation before you lose your marriage .
You seem to have one thing to be glad about – your mother is actually enjoying herself and her social situation at the moment. Focus on that!
You can’t control your mother’s financial disasters. So they are going to continue and get worse. You can’t ‘manage’ her out of them. You don’t have that power. You try, waste a lot of time and energy on it, and you still fail. Probably the ‘worst’ that will happen is that eventually your mother will end up on Medicaid in a facility. It’s not such a bad ‘worst’, it happens to a lot of good people. Focus on accepting that’s what’s likely down the track!
It’s easier to drop this stuff off your ‘worry’ agenda when you are a long way away. The closer you stay (in more ways than one), the harder it is to live your own life. I was so glad that my very difficult father’s declining days and death were (literally) 12,000 miles away from me. Can you try some imaginary distance yourself?
Best wishes, Margaret
Start living your life. Have children - if you want them! Date your spouse! You can't bubblewrap your mom from all life problems, but you are doing good. Remind yourself that often.
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