My 88-yr old dad moved to a very remote Texas town about 20 years ago. He is 3 hours from the nearest city/airport. My sister and I live in Colorado, a 2-day drive away.
He has been independent, mobile, and in good health until recently. His phone stopped working several months ago and my sister and I could not reach him (he rarely if ever calls us, even when his phone is working).
One of his friends got in touch to let us know our dad has lost 20lbs in the past 2 months (weight he couldn't afford to lose), seems disoriented, and claims he has no appetite. So last week I took time off work to drive down to see what's up.
He is confused, living in a trailer in absolute filth with no running water, mouse droppings everywhere (including inside his fridge), and he's an absolute skeleton. Also incontinent and unaware/uncaring. Thank goodness I got his signature giving me medical and durable POA while I was there. I kind of forced him to go to the local clinic, first time for a checkup in over 30 years. Although he is wasting away, his bloodwork suggests no major physical issues except dehydration. But he scored 0/5 on the cognitive assessment. His memory is shot, e.g., he can't remember my mother's name (his ex-wife) nor conversations that happened earlier in the day, and obviously he's forgetting to eat too. And he still drives (!!). Doc said he should not drive and shouldn't be living alone. He has VA benefits but we're not sure if he has Medicare. I paid out of pocket for his clinic visit and labs. There is no VA where he lives and he has said that if he ever needs medical care to take him anywhere but to the local hospital. There are also no assisted living facilities and no home health care services, outside of meals on wheels which he refused.
My sister has invited him to move in with her for a while, at least through the winter, but he refuses. All his friends suggest we just put him in the car, tell him we are going on a short trip, get him a milkshake, and then drive him to Colorado. Basically, kidnap him. He likely wouldn't notice given his current state of mind, but he is actually lucid about 50% of the time and will of course notice at some point. They also suggested we tell him that it's only temporary, that he should come hang out with his kids for a few months and once it warms up again in spring we'll take him back to Texas. Once in CO, we will take him to the VA for a more formal cognitive assessment and likely plan to find a local memory care place for him near to us, since it seems his body may outlive his brain.
My sister is making arrangements now to move him in. She has a one-way flight and a rental car lined up to get herself there, pack up dad and some of his stuff, and drive him back to CO. We sent Medicare his info and proof of POA and we should have access to his benefits soon. We are kind of in a state of shock and not sure how to navigate getting dad here, but he absolutely can't stay where he is. He is very docile, so we don't expect him to physically protest, but we're not sure how best to navigate this. It's happening so quickly. Any ideas/suggestions would be appreciated! Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
Regarding the recent changes with Dad, they felt quite sudden, prompting a quick response from my sister and me. Given our history—our father physically and emotionally distanced himself almost 50 years ago—understanding the gradual nature of these changes is challenging. Our contact has been infrequent, and the most noticeable alert to a sudden condition was the significant delay in his response times to our calls. This is just one of many complexities I've left out of my posts, which makes it difficult to determine what details might be most useful for feedback.
I acknowledge that my initial response to AlvaDeer on my original post was defensive. I was in a heightened emotional state at the time. In retrospect, I recognize I should have addressed my reaction more openly. This forum is a space where we are all navigating deeply personal challenges, and it’s easy to forget that we are all striving to cope in our own ways.
I appreciate that everyone offers advice based on the information available, and I try to discern what is helpful and what may not resonate. With the exception of my initial response to Alva, I hope my responses have reflected this understanding.
In truth, I have found the insights shared in this forum to be quite helpful. My sister and I are actively seeking diverse perspectives to navigate our options, considering input from friends, professionals, and yes, even strangers online. While it remains a crisis, we have settled somewhat since the initial shock a few weeks ago.
I do not view the responses here as unacceptable objections, nor do I think the forum participants should "just shut up". I’ve expressed my gratitude for the feedback numerous times. I also now recognize the importance of being mindful with my words in this space.
Trust me I understand the confusion here for all involved and only WISH I had some answer and I am afraid that I am where I was on DAY ONE which is that there isn't always, as Dr Laura says "an answer; not everything can be fixed".
To me, I think Dad may need to be a ward of the state. May he actually die in his hovel of a trailer? Yes, he MAY. But it is how he lived, what he chose, and to take him into a home he doesn't want to be, where sis won't be seen as a daughter, but as a jailer and caregiver, I don't think it will work for him or for her or for you. He will hate you all as the decision makers. It will be thankless, and while he may live another year or so, he would hate all involved if he is uncooperative.
That all, for me comes of having worked with my brother, the sweetest, kindest, cleanest, most organized, gentlest man in the world, and being POA and Trustee was STILL tough. But HE moved from HIS trailer (beautiful and full of his pottery and beloved monterey furniture) willingly, when he was diagnosed with Lewy's, gave me full POA/Trustee and begged me to protect his assets from his failing mind.
AND STILL IT WAS HARD.
I am all in and all with you, Berl.
No fears there. I support you and your sister in whatever you try. It may work, it may not, and such is life.
NOTHING to apologize here from my perspective. Say it like it IS. That's what I do, so I certainly had better be able to take it back, hee hee.