My 85 year old father moved two years ago at my invitation. He is still in good physical and mental shape and he has taken over our home. He is a woodworker and has turned our entire basement into a very noisy shop. He took over our family room and we tried to create our own space in the original dining room, but the sound from the kitchen and family room is overwhelming. My father is almost deaf and his television is at top volume.
My husband had two brain surgeries nine years ago and is deaf in one ear. He is overwhelmed by the noise my father makes and the fact that he insists on cooking, many of the meals being inedible and not what we like. He also creates a huge mess every day that has to be cleaned up. We spend at least two hours a night cleaning up the mess in the kitchen.
I don’t know how to convey to my father that I need him to move out. He has his workshop that he could not take with him. I invited him here, so I feel like I need to let him stay. He lived across the country with my brother for ten years after my mother died and I wanted him to be somewhere that people were always nearby to help him, as my brother works long hours. I feel guilty, but his being here is destroying the peace in our home. Please help.
Between you and your father, you can either come up with household rules which make his stay less disruptive for you, or talk about him moving.
You really made a mistake inviting him to live with you, without considering his habits and his lifestyle. He is mentally and physically still sharp and active, so he did not need anyone to take care of him. He was in no position to just sit quietly in a back bedroom. And, even if he did move in with you needing care, believe me, it is more than you will be up to doing.
Help him find a home where he can set up his workshop, or a nice assisted living community where he can start out living independently, with services available to him as he needs them. I've seen news stories about a community workshop. Maybe you can find something by doing an online search; look for a woodworking hobby group or workshop available to the community so he can continue to enjoy that.
Uncle was supremely happy not to have to give up his favorite hobby! Sometimes you have to get creative.
If Dad had asked to move in, it would have been easier to set boundaries. The kitchen, sorry no one cooks but me in my kitchen.
Its time for a sit down with Dad and some honesty. He has taken over your home. If some changes can't be made, he may have to find a place to live because this is not working out the way you expected. Maybe set up times he can work in the basement. Sorry, no more cooking in your kitchen. First, he is not a cook and second he leaves messes you seem to be expected to clean up. There needs to be quiet time because your husband needs it. You will be taking back your family room. (Hopefully, you can put a recliner in his room with a TV) I would tell him after dinner he can go to his room for the night and you and DH will go to the family room.
If you can't come to a compromise, then he will need to find a place of his own. Maybe you can set up certain times of the day or days of the week to do his woodworking.
I am 77 and my DH almost 80. We live in a 4 bedroom house. I still keep the inside up and he does the outside and golfs. Why would your Dad at 73 need to live with anyone?
Script out what you want to say so that it's easier to communicate it in the moment. Have your husband sitting next to you -- he doesn't have to say anything if he doesn't want to but both of you should be present. If the words don't come out of your mouth, your Father may think your husband is pressuring you.
Personally, I would start by drawing a line about his hearing loss. He can't be aware of his noises if he himself can't hear them (and you don't tell him). My Mom not wanting to get hearing aids was going to be a deal breaker for me as her caregiver. I told her I was not going to be yelling things at her all day long, or out in public, and also being constantly told, "You never told me that" (yes I did, you just didn't hear it) or walking in to her house with the tv full blast. You take him to the audiology appointment and you help him pick out a pair (Costco has good options). Then, he agrees to put them in every single day, no excuses. His experiences outside your home will be improved if he can hear. And, it's for his own safety -- especially if he's still driving.
You thank him for cooking but then inform him (not ask) that you will now be doing all the cooking. He is welcomed to help clean up afterwards.
Does your Father have the financial resources to afford AL? If so, you can start researching places without him first. When you find 2 good options, then you inform him that it's time to move out and he can choose between these 2 care facilities. You don't have to give any reasons other than you miss your privacy as a couple and you think he'll enjoy being with other people. You don't ask him to move out, you inform him that he will be moving out. Will he be upset or insulted or angry? Most likely -- especially since you've probably never been that bold with him ever. But he'll get over it and keep remembering that you are defending your marriage and husband's peace. You'd want the same if it were reversed and it was your FIL and you were the cancer survivor. You give your Father a move-out date and stick to it. He can pay for a moving company to help pack it up, and a storage locker if needs be.
I wish you success and peace in your heart as you do what's best and right for you and your husband's remaining years together.