Help At Home girl needs to clean more but my father won't let her. I made the call to her boss to discuss this and the worker convinced my dad to let her clean some, but there needs to be more intense cleaning not just surface cleaning. This girl that helps him has been a long time friend of his and he just wants to go run around town in her car and blow his Social Security check. Supposedly this girl, her boss and I got on the same page about what needs to be done for my father. My father is our neighbor and when he's gone with her I sneak into his little cabin to investigate and I am not pleased with what I'm seeing. He has been living back at home since early June after leaving AL... YES, he should have stayed there but it was out of my control since he's still "competent". I have silently refused to step in and help with cleaning, grocery shopping etc. since this girl is hired to help him, she can do it. I do dispense his meds which he is choosing to skip all of the time. I only interact with my dad when my husband is with me. After years of dysfunction with him and then later in life trying to build a relationship with someone who is somewhat narcissistic perhaps and a great manipulator, he uses his own emotions to try to throw me in a guilt trip which used to lead me into a path of sympathy and compassion. These last two months I've realized I have been his enabler as far as getting him anything and everything that he wants for the past year. I've come a great way of letting go of wanting to try to change him to "my" idea of how he should take care of himself and how he has chosen to live.
Now with him back home on our family property, living in a little cabin my husband built for him after we had to destroy his bedbug infested dilapidated trailer, I have stepped back and let his life continue the way it was before he had the stroke last July. At that time he was partially surviving with the bedbugs for six months at least along with mouse turds and P on everything. We paid for extermination but it was not a success because the trailer was in such bad condition it just escalated to a terrible demise, the stroke got him out of there into the hospital and destruction began. I got POA... into assisted living he went... got kinda better... holding of the cabin was in slow motion to try to keep him in assisted-living... 9 months later cabin got finished and home again home again jiggedy-jiggedy he went. Sooo, after all that, my question is here, how do I get this girl to clean his damn cabin to the perfection that I believe it should be in or do I let it turn into another stench???? The cabin is considered his even though we paid for everything entirely ourselves out of guilt of destroying his trailer and most of the contents. Do I just sit back and watch this all happen again just like I did with the bedbugs were around? I mean years before that I kept my distance from him and let him do his own thing because that's what he wanted and it turned into a big bad mess. Sometimes I can think clearly what I need to do about this and I just don't know I'm so messed up. I can't talk to my dad about this and his uncleanliness. It's getting so unsanitary in the cabin someone please tell me what to do.
Her duties should include: wiping down kitchen counters, sweeping and mopping floor, vacuum, wiping down bathroom, light dusting, keeping your dad's areas tidy and dust-free (around where he sleeps and around his chair), emptying the trash, and laundry. These are reasonable expectations. And she can split these tasks up to do on different days so she doesn't spend an entire shift cleaning. Home health agencies offer "light housekeeping". The tasks I described are light housekeeping. Is your father's aide doing these things?
"The primary function of our Homemakers, Home Care Aides and Companions is to provide personal care and assistance with the activities of daily living (ADL), such as:
Personal Care-bathing assistance, assistance with dressing, and assistance with grooming
Light housekeeping
Laundry
Meal Preparation, including shopping and assistance with meal planning
Errands or Transportation
Companionship - available 24 hours a day, if needed"
You say she doesn't clean "enough", I spent years cleaning houses and in my opinion what you expect of her goes well beyond "light housekeeping". If my mother had a bowel accident while the caregiver was with her of course she cleaned it up, I would have never expected her to come in and clean up messes that had been left to await her arrival.
10,000 👍's
He did apologize, but it's still not enough for me.
I have read him a lot of things here that you all have educated me on for the past six months and I guess he just can't take me starting to get smarter than him! Ha
I told him last night he will not hear anything from me about this Medicaid crap, dad, his helper etc again. I simply don't care anymore what happens to any of it!! I'm just waiting for the day where I can say "told ya so". Or I have a better idea! When he gets pissed off and goes on a rant, I think I will make a phone call myself...hmmm.
Sorry you all, I'm hating on men today 😡
Your husband should apologise simply for his rudeness. If he really can't bear to listen to other people's opinions that's absolutely fine, he's entitled to his feelings even if they are self-defeating and counterproductive; but in that case he can still have the ordinary courtesy to wait 'til you've finished speaking and then make his call.
Doubt he would ever be OK with anyone helping him but her. In the past when he first got the service, he didn't know the girl from Help At Home and he just would not show up when she was to come that day to help him. The girl that helps him now is his "fun let's go do something friend" and spend some money. He does not see this Help At Home service as a special privilege that he is receiving, it costs him nothing.
Last night I was anxious to share with husband all the wonderful educating information you all gave me yesterday. As I was reading some posts out loud to him, my husband picks up his phone to call our son to talk about work that day.
I slammed my phone down, went outside, cried, smoked, walked the ground hard enough to get shin splints, smoked some more trying to cool off before I finished this so called conversation I was so eager to have with him. He gets out of shower, acts like nothing happened, but by the look on my face he could tell the story wasn't over yet. I told him I thought it was rude that he made a phone call when I was reading him something. Ugggh it p!sses me off again thinking about it this morning...just like when I see people reading their phones when they're out to eat as a couple, ugh. Husband says "I don't need to listen all that stuff I'll worry about it when it happens", reminding me how he hates all kinds of social media and chat rooms. He said instead of blowing up at him I need to go down and blowup at my dad, the source of the problem. That's true, yes but we have major dysfunction my dad and I but hey maybe that's something I will do today and then again tonight at my husband, just for kicks. He thinks that people on the Internet searching for answers have nothing else to do. Our daughter, son and I tried to convince my husband that he needed to keep his butt at AL and to not build this d*mn cabin. Husband agreed but always replied back with the story about how he had to tear his dilapidated bedbug infested trailer down and burn it and promised him he would build something new for him. He was determined to keep his promise.
Still mad from our little fight last night and hurt our marriage is turning into something unknown for both of us. We argue sometimes but it is never like it was last night. He made me feel stupid and ignorant for trying to find out what is in store for the future for my dad and us. today I seriously could just run away from both of them and go live in a little hut on the beach.
This sucks
So if she really isn't capable of standing firm and doing the work she's actually paid for, then I hate to say so but there's nothing for it, her boss is going to have to replace her. Not fire her, there must be other people she can work for, but replace her with a less eager-to-please type who won't take any nonsense. Perhaps what my ex-husband used to call a "sensible shoes" girl.
You could try explaining again to her first and seeing if it makes any difference, but I wouldn't be too hopeful - she'll just agree with you, and then straight away agree with your father, and nothing will change. So I'd call her boss. And your father won't have any cause for complaint: if he really wants to keep seeing this lady as a friend - and she really is a friend and not just thinking 'nice work if you can get it' - then there's nothing stopping him.
How are you doing Barb ?
Look, Bella, you and your husband are good hearted people. But "doing" for your dad is going to end up costing you your life savings and your home if you don't step back and let things be. Legally, you are not responsible for him, are you? He's an adult who makes bad choices, yes?
What happens if he needs to go to the hospital or nursing home...what if he gets sick or needs medicine...
When he had his stroke in July and went into assisted living in August, his speech was terrible until I told him goodbye one night, his phone rang and it was the caregiver calling to visit. I listened on the other side of the door and he talked fine..it sounded like nothing had ever happened to him...the next day with him the speech went bad again.
She would call him all the time at assisted-living and tell him her personal problems. I saw a red flags then but chose not to pay attention
This kind of crap I'm tired of even running through my head with him
I talked to her face to face before he made the move home and since Dad requested her back again as his caregiver ( she was helper before AL) or helper at home or "chauffeur" or whatever, I asked her if she would be capable to clean up poop etc. and she said oh yes I can do that, I do that all the time. I stressed the importance of keeping his home clean and she was the one that found the first bedbug last year. Several weeks after the move home I snooped in the cabin and it was disgusting so I text her and I asked her if Dad was letting her clean and she said no he gets mad when I suggested it so she just doesnt. I made a phone call to her boss, not trying to get her into trouble but the truth needed to be told and the boss said yes that's her the job description is to clean and she did notice that there was too much time spent on the road when she looked at her time sheet the week before. The boss said she asked for help or about cleaning and her reply was that my dad gets upset when she wants to clean, so they go hop in the car. Boss said she would give my dad a call and tell him that she needs to clean, however I do not know if that call was made I have no problem with people who hang out in bars but this girl was a bartender and my dad hung out there every night all week long. This was probably eight years ago or more,rumors were going around our little town that they were more than "friends". This girl is my age, 55, my dad is 82. I used to see her driving his truck around town when her car was broke down etc. etc. Some people in this town thinks my dad has a lot of money but he does not he has zilcho!!
Geez, when I look back and re-read all this it sounds nuts.
Why do you say that the caregiver could be in a lot of trouble ?? Because she shows up to clean and he says no ? She knows he has no money and we have been paying his way this whole last year, I told her that before he moved home and she recently sold him her Bose radio for $100 and convinced him to go on her cell phone plan, which she just changed to, telling him it's only going to cost $30 a month where he was getting his phone and all his minutes paid for by us for the last 10 years free
I feel quite sorry for the caregiver, because she could end up in real trouble over her job here and it's more your father's fault than hers. She turns up and she's supposed to clean, run errands and keep him company; but he says 'oh leave that, let's hit the town' or whatever, and then what's a girl to do...?
Do you ever get a chance to talk to her face to face?
You don't have the authority, power or persuasiveness to change his circumstances. The State does.
I could clean but I am refusing to, mainly because he had it made at the AL and he has stated too many times he wants to be independent and he can do things on his own. I'm now realizing he probably shouldn't have even been allowed to stay at the AL by not reporting to Medicaid in 2009 and there after that he had 40 acres. I honestly don't know how it has lasted this long with them paying his way.
My worst fear is him getting bedbugs again and infested with mice. I could take this on and make him let me clean on top of the little bit that Help At Home girl does which is not much because he chooses to go shopping or drive round to visit his old buddies. It angers me that he can't seem to remember to pick up his medicine at Walmart! Im just choosing not to do anything except dispense his meds in his pillbox. Most of the time he doesn't take them anyway so that's a waste of time. This whole situation is poison to me. My mom used to have me set up town in a little restaurant and wait for him to show up to give me a child support check to give back to her. He would never have one so I had to report to mom empty-handed. Fast forward months later, he was forced to pay or go to jail. Yea, I have a lot of past issues that I thought I had forgiven him for but obviously not. When he does stupid things and basically sh*ts on my husband and I it throw 1000 ft backwards. I tried years ago to have him change the land over into our name to protect it and him and he wouldn't do it. Even told him it's still has it can do whatever he wants it's just for everyone's protection.
He even had another dumpy trailer on the place and would let random people throughout the years live there for free and I mean totally free. These people were on Medicaid too and ate better than us! My husband worked his butt off every day, for his family I may add and he would come home and see people lounging around, fishing doing whatever the h*ll they wanted out here.
I self doubt myself a lot but I'm smart enough to know I need to listen to what my body is telling me and my mental status. I have a granddaughter coming right before Christmas and I refuse to get in a depressed state like before because of this man I call my dad. I do question if I'm doing the right thing in hoping he ends up with a guardian and not caring about it.
Get a lawyer and be totally honest and see that happens.
As far as cleaning---ugh, my FIL's house was so filthy and I cleaned as best I could, but he wouldn't let me go into some of the rooms. After he passed, I did. He has serious respiratory issues and layers of dust on everything--seriously, 1/2" deep everywhere. I burned out 2 vacuums just vacuuming the dust.
If they won't let you clean, you can't. IN the same boat with mother now. She can't see the grime, so it doesn't bother her. I gave up.
Good luck with the Medicaid mess---that's worse than the physical mess.
You hit the nail on the head when you said things go for the worse for my father. He did it to himself. There's no one else to blame. I'm just sorry for all the hard work my husband and I and children have put into this place for many years. Plus for all these years we have done the best that we could to try to help him. I didn't always want to but my husband encouraged me and said it was the right thing to do. I do not blame anyone in the system.
Today, I'm ready to let it all go, and let the state take guardianship over him 😔
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking all the time out today to answer my questions.
Well the bill collectors are probably going to come knocking so what does a person like my father do for Care when I can't get Medicaid? I am afraid you're going to say that problem will become ours!?
I heard about them from this site months ago and told my husband this and he kept going to the same attorney.
Medicaid pays the medical and housing bills for your father while he is alive. Father pays a co-pay determined by "His Share of Cost or SOC" of his social security or income if he is in institution (assisted living that accepts medicaid, hospital or nursing home). If he's not in a facility or institution like assisted living, the share of cost he paid the assisted living is available for his needs - housing, utilities, etc. Sounds like Father is spending like a well, drunken sailor comes to mind. Remember, Medicaid is NOT a one time plan. You have to re-certify with the state after the initial application about every 1-3 years and prove that you (1) had assets below the limit each and every month (2) had income below the limits each and every month (3) didn't transfer assets like cash or property each and every month while you are on Medicaid. With computers, real estate and transfers, bank accounts, pension benefits paid, social security payments, all these are available to state agencies and dovetail into a database. They will find the transactions, if not now, later when you register the deed. Part of the original medicaid paperwork is notification that they have a right to file a "Lien" against your father's property-that you are buying so you think it's your-for benefits paid on your father's behalf while he is alive. When he dies, depending on your state's laws, Medicaid will recover the money paid for your father's care from his estate - either through probate claim or by having a lien on real estate that must be satisfied before legal ownership can transfer. Most states are hiring outside firms that do nothing except chase down money owed to Medicaid in that state after death and they are very experienced debt collectors that know what databases exist, how assets are hidden, and where to look. Make sure you get a lawyer that is experienced in Medicaid and Estate Recovery as well as elder issues and start making copies of all documents NOW. Sorry you face this.
Your father's property IS his to sell - but if he lied to Medicaid about owning it and got Medicaid under false pretenses, he may have somehow find other money to pay back money to the facilities that accepted Medicaid on his behalf to satisfy his debts. Money you paid him for the property may be viewed as "gifting" by Medicaid and add to the mess. If your lawyer was experienced in medicaid, none of this would be a surprise to you right now. Just saying.