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It is all too easy for a giving person to get sucked down into the mire, making it difficult, BUT not impossible to get out. When others start more or less taking advantage of that giving side of you, it is time to back off. There might be some begging and pleading, it will be hard to go against your natural giving spirit, but if you don't put a stop to all of this, you will end up just a spirit! Don't fall for the empty promises either... Everyone is counting on you to fold up and give in. DON'T!

88 pounds at your height is VERY underweight. It's roughly my height and other than a hospital stay (their TPN was NOT enough calories and I had to argue with them!), my HS weight and after 1st child was 99 pounds. You are killing yourself, between doing for everyone, medication, anxiety, etc. You NEED to focus on YOU. The others can fend for themselves - they did before, they can do it again. They are all adults and should be doing this themselves. They've gotten too used to your giving/doing.

The friend:
As others have said, you've been more than kind to your friend. Your plan is to sell and move (more on that later), so tell her she NEEDS to find a place asap, perhaps setting a deadline for that. Your reason is you need to clear out, clean up and prep it for sale. That's all she needs to know.

The son:
It isn't clear why he lives with you at this point. If he has cleaned up his act, hopefully he has a job (if not he needs one - bad timing, but there are still places hiring) and needs to find a place of his own. He should steer clear of his addict friends, but that's his choice. You can recommend it, but that's about it.

The other children:
Why are they needing money from you? They are grown and on their own. They should be able to manage their lives without pan-handling from you. Yes, I have helped my kids when they were in a tough spot, but always with a plan that they pay me back and they DID. Times are hard, but there are ways THEY can cut their expenses. I have had to do that, as a single mom, MANY times over the years.

Hubby:
There are only 2 kinds of alcoholics: a drinking one and a non-drinking one. Alcoholism doesn't go away, but with strength of will some can get off the booze and stay off. All too often, most can't. Two of my uncles were drinkers, one more social than the other, but it was liquor, not beer. I think he died of cirrhosis. The other lived longer, but had more and more issues. His bones softened due to the alcohol. He fell and hit his head, causing major problems. The last fall he had was the final one. He is not likely to change and you can't make him change. Your choice is to either put up with this, wherever you are living, or move on without him. You have to make that decision.

Moving:
This is for YOU. This is what YOU want. This is YOUR goal. Start planning. Instead of "helping" everyone else, your focus and activity should be on what YOU want. This isn't you being selfish - everyone else already can claim that! On paper, make the headline MOVE. Under that, list the steps needed to achieve this. Don't lump things together - separate items, so you can check them off when done.

The above suggestions need to be put in place. One step at a time. You CAN do this. Start by getting the friend and your son actively looking/moving - set a deadline date. Meanwhile, stop DOING things for everyone. Start weeding through things you don't need/want, give stuff away, throw it away, whatever, start downsizing. Start looking for rentals in FL at least. Buying may have to wait for your house sale and getting all the others off the freedom boat. When the "dust" in FL settles a bit, GO THERE ALONE for a week or 2. Stay in a hotel and pamper yourself. Get out and BREATHE! You might find you can unwind and actually sleep without taking anything! This may be what you need to make a firm break from it all. You might also find they all survive without you.
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disgustedtoo Jul 2020
In addition to making the list and working on it, get out of that house as much as you can. Don't stand around waiting for the others to walk all over you. Go out. Sit in a park and enjoy nature. Go for a leisurely walk (not too brisk, this isn't for exercise as you don't need to lose any more weight!)

If you are there to cater to everyone's needs, perhaps they might figure out they need to do for themselves. None of these are children, who need your care. They are all adults and should start acting like one.

Consult with an atty could be on your list as well. You don't have to make the decision to split, but at least know what your options are. If you did decide to at least separate and sell the place, you should get half the sale proceeds and depending on your source of income, you would likely get a share of his income too (alimony, as far as I recall, is taxable to you, tax deductible to him.) Having to split finances will make it a bit harder for you, but should allow you to at least rent a place in FL if not buy.

Stop handouts to the others. You will need it at some point for your own care in the future. Also, if your friend isn't paying to stay, then either friend starts paying up or set that deadline sooner. What friend pays should cover increase in expenses to the household - son should be paying as well. NO free-loaders.
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Marntson: Imho, I implore you to cease being "the nice gal." OMG - you are a VERY tiny individual and are at a dangerously low weight for your height. You must remedy that STAT, e.g. take care of YOURSELF by seeking out a dietician. I'm surprised that your PCP wouldn't have recommended that immediately.
Your husband - Only he can amend his alcohol abuse. Unsure of how his liver failure got resolved. Perhaps he had a liver transplant, but you didn't mention that. I don't understand how he's working, but remains in the basement bed all day and night unless he somehow has a burst of energy.
Your son - Why is he staying with you? His addict friends will only bring him down and are no good to a recovered addict. He must learn to get some new friends as his old ones are dangerous business!
The friend - Sorry, but that person must leave as they are using you.
Your financials - "Sorry, kids, but mom's bank is closed for business. The wellspring has run dry!"

The moral of your story is that nice people like yourself get taken advantage of all the time. It's time to take care of YOU!
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well it sounds like everyone has you right where they want you. the giver of all, including your health.  You don't say how you and hubby get along when he is not drinking, which sounds like he is not sober very much.  This might sound harsh but I would file for divorce, let him buy out your half of the house worth, and move to FL so YOU can have YOUR life.  Its either that or continue to let your family to use you as a doormat (and your friend) because they know you won't say NO.  It sounds like all the meds you are on it won't be long before you will be down and out and then what?  who is going to care for you?  WILL anyone care for you?  wishing you luck
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The thing about addicts (who claim to be former addicts) and their friends, is that their lack of morals cause them to control others to get their way. They are not beyond secretly 'dosing' their target(s).

That could be you (weight loss), and/or your husband.

You said your son is creating havoc?

So sorry to even consider this but had to warn you.
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You can not always save the other person, work on saving yourself. I would see and talk with a lawyer. See about what you are entitled to with regards to a divorce, house and financial issues. Time for you set some real goals and stop other people from trying to take advantage of you. You have been a nice lady for way too long. Secure what financial papers you may have, hold onto them put them in a lock box or vault in a bank. Then go see a lawyer, you may discuss a separation or divorce with your husband, but whatever you do take care of yourself and stop being the sacrificial lamb.
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Sister, there is not enough therapy and prescriptions drugs in the world to fix your problem.  The only way you can force his hand to sell the house is to divorce him.  Who is going to take care of all of these people if you break?  Stop enabling everyone...you can only control yourself.  You can't fix other people.  That is a hard lesson for all of us to learn.  Please take care of yourself.
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What do you mean you can't do that (divorce) to your husband? Look what it is doing to you??!!

If you are not happy, if there is not possibility of improvement, etc. then you must do what you must for yourself. Or at least draw some serious boundaries, etc. Have you ever gone to something like al-anon? You need to do some tough love and make sure you are not enabling him, etc.
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