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I provide 24/7 care to my mother and I receive zero pay and I have to pay rent/utilities and food. Personally after caring for her for 7 years with no compensation I don't think I should have to pay my Mom. So, I do not think that it is out of the question to ask that your elder help with some of the expenses, if they can afford it. I think you should watch out that she is not carrying an undue burden, in case you should ever need to file for Medicaid. They may question that and not allow it.
Sentry, pstiegman makes a good point. Start a dialog with your wife about taking care of your mom. Talk about the things you're reading on this site. I would have gladly taken care of my husband's mom. She still stands as one of the most precious women I've known in my lifetime and would have sacrificed everything to make sure she was taken care of into her 90's. Your wife may not feel the same way about caring for your mom. It may truly be simply a concern about finances, and it may not. There should absolutely be no shame in her saying "I can't" or "we can't." You're a couple. Make sure your relationship stays on a solid footing so you'll be able to care for each other in your old age!
Sentry, if you read between the lines, your wife is suggesting she does not want your mother to burden her or the household. If you are going to quit work and be her caregiver, fine. If you think two queen bees can share the hive, good. Otherwise, find Mom a nice Assisted Living Facility.
Sistershar I took care of my father and It cost barely anything to have him stay with me. He paid for his medications and that was it. I did it because he was my father and I loved him!
Wow, some of the responses here boiled my blood. I've given up my social life and a bunch of my sanity while caring for my mom, not to mention intangible losses related to my professional career. Oh yes, there have also been significant tangible costs aside from food, housing, etc. For example, because I am caring for my mom, I am working less hours and therefore less is going into my own retirement account and less is being matched by my employer, potentially putting my own old age at risk. Thank goodness mom wants to contribute to the household; we'd need to have a serious cost if she didn't.
PS: Family caregivers really need to look at their own future and contributions to social security and the like and make sure that they are not putting themselves in future jeopardy.
When we talk about getting compensated, it's because the elder has assets, and the caregiver doesn't. If parents have no assets, then there's no money available to be compensated with.
Any assets the elder has left will go to the nursing home. Mom or Dad would probably prefer to pay rent and utilities, than to lose it all paying for the NH. Nobody's getting rich here.
Unless we are talking about very wealthy people then yes even a little my circumstances are that my mum has a pension and i have no job yet just social welfare I am in her house so I pay food she pays bills which is quite even. My mum owns her house so we dont have rent or mortgage i treat her to things when I can and she me if she was in my house then I would expect the same. if i had enough money for both of us then I wouldnt let her pay for anything but thats wishful thinking!
Here's my answer: If your parent went into a nursing home, his entire check would be garnished, and a lien on any property to cover other costs. Do not feel guilty! You should be using that money to care for him and his meds; any co-pays from providers. Do not feel guilty! Just beware that you could be audited by an elder advocate agency, social services, or the court. be ready so you can show the ledger sheet. It would also be good to keep a daily log in your own defense.( If ever needed) I need to start doing this as well!
I see lots of good advice and comments given. I would just add that, as a former APS Social Worker, if you've written up an agreement with your loved one or have written up a prorated system dividing the payment of utilities, food and rent, you're probably going to be fine. Be sure to maintain your ongoing accounting of such expenditures and payments. APS deals with a lot of family squabbles where many times innocent people are accused of financial abuse. If you've kept good records I believe your chances of actually being charged with elder abuse, etc. are minimal. If you can advise all your family of these actions so they don't hear about it second hand, you may save yourself some grief. However, I know that depends on many family dynamics and such actions in some situations can just make things worse. Bottom line: keep your written records to protect and honor your loved one.
Can I get paid to be the sole caregiver for my 84 yr old Father? If so, where does the money come from...his Soc Sec or does the state/gov't pay me? I don't want to leave him home alone if I get job, but I can't afford not to work right now. I would prefer to get paid to stay at home & help him as he is blind in one eye and very unstable on his legs. Where do I find out how to get paid to caregive him? thanks!
From the post, it's not clear to me if "burritokid" is a caregiver to a parent. If not, I wonder how they can criticize bethie541 or anyone who is. My folk's raised me to believe that "Parents are legally & morally responsible for their children. Being a "good, loving, wonderful" parent is their job AND moral responsibility, NOT an "obligation or favor" to be repaid. Also, that children do not "owe" their parents anything, other then love & respect". Both my WONDERFUL parents have lived w/me for past 8yrs & have always helped pay for expenses. If I could, I would do it for free, but I can't. I chose to give up a well paid job to care for them, so I need them to help with expenses. It is not "cold", it is "REALITY!!!! Life costs money & most of us have to pay our own way, including our dear parents. I am very grateful to my parents for the way they raised me, with lots of discipline, morality and most of all, LOVE!! I WANT to return that to them. Maybe "burritokid" can afford to, but unfortunetly, I can not afford to have them live w/me without their financial help.
My Dad helped with the bills when he moved in. He said that he didn't want to be a burden to me, because my bills increased 2 times when he moved in. He made more then I did with Disability. If your parent wants to help, then let him or her help. Don't feel guilty about the help. Yes, your parent paid for everything when you were little, but prices have gone up, and if you are a parent; you are/have paid for your child(ren) too. Things have changed a lot since we were kids. Plus, I believe that our parents would want to help. My Dad said that I was changing my entire life to take care of him, since my Mom had to go into an assisted living home and I was now his Caregiver. He said I was giving up my job, privacy, good pay, and life to take care of him. And that it was the least he could do. I never felt this way, and still don't. My parents did a lot for me, but I have done a lot for them and continue to do it.
Don't let anyone make your fell bad about your parent helping you. Most people wouldn't even consider taking in their parent nowadays. You are amazing for doing so. My siblings would never have done it, but I knew someone had to. Good Luck and God Bless you!!!!!
I think the point is being missed here. The husband said his mom is 93 and has dementia. I don't think it's right to "charge" a 93 year old with dementia anything for bills. Like an earlier post, find a good social worker and research caregiving and what to expect, compensation etc. But make sure there's a POA otherwise you will have multiple legal issues and it just might drain your finances more than your wife wants. @bethie541, you sound kind of cold toward parents. Yes we do "owe" it to our parents to take care of them. Your mom could have thrown you out if she didn't feel like taking care of you anymore. So be grateful you have a loving mom. She already earned your respect by being wonderful, so it does make you obligated to return the favor because of her respectable standing in your life. Don't be so cruel minded toward caregiving of parents.
I think each family's situation is different, so the answer has to be based on what your family needs. If your mother's move to your house is going to require major renovations and someone has to quit work to be a caregiver, then I can understand the need for asking her to help. If she is not using all of her social security, you could ask her if she can help the family with a small amount. If your mother has major assets, you and other family members need to meet and decide on what can be done to help your family. No matter what your situation is , you need to have access to money that can provide respite care for all caregivers and can make certain your mother's personal needs are met. I hope things go well for all of you!
My mom rotated among four of her five children for six years. None of us asked for assistance when she stayed as a long-term guest, but she always wanted to contribute and wrote small checks sporadically. She is now a permanent resident in my home. I didn't ask for any assistance for the first six months of this year, but when my sisters came for a brief visit (and saw how much energy it takes to care for an Alzheimer's patient), they made the decision that a certain amount should come from Mom's checking account monthly and also said I should swipe mom's credit card for groceries and her toiletries monthly as well. One of my sisters handles Mom's finances, so I scan the checkbook monthly and email it to her; the credit card bill goes to my sister as well. I just handle her care. We all agree this is the best situation.
We have been taking care of my mom for going on 4 years. The first 2 years I did not use her monies for anything but to pay a sitter. Everything else in our home in the meantime was doubling. We finally came to a place where mom bought groceries twice a month. I feel guilty about that sometimes but then I think of how much it would cost if she were in a assisted living facitility. I agree with Bethie541, I care for her because I love her but I have a 12yr old and 17 yr old still at thome that I have to make sure they have what they need. And yes, my 17yr and 12 yr chip in to purchase food if they want to eat out. Many of us struggle to just maintain our own bills. Mom and my sister will fair better with my mom living with us paying for groceries than if she were in a facility.
I agree - my mom & I are in the process of figuring out how much of M&D's join SSN & military pension can be set aside for Mom so she can contribute, once Dad is having in-home care or has gone to a home.
The space requirements & utilities are very different for my son & I (he's school-age & I work 2 jobs - so we utilize an auto-thermostat I can't use with M&D home), as is the food requirement. Because this is an additional cost, parents should contribute reasonably to the bills based on their income & personal/medical needs that cost.
To reply to the poster that commented about we should take care of our parents... I say that I signed up to be responsible & go into the poor house or work myself sick for one person in this life - my son & a future SO. Just as my parents signed up to do the same for my sister & I while minors, and their spouse (each other). When I moved back home after both of my bad break ups, and before I invited them to move into my new home when they were losing theirs - I was charged rents & food.
Living together while Mom is functional, but Dad is homebound by choice (not social) as his dementia worsens - the utilities aside from cable/internet are usage based. I cannot afford to raise my son & pay more than I was paying on our own, while the utilities double or triple. We've found that a 67/33 split on those w/ 50/50 on c/i is fair. Food is similarly broken down.
Would you have charged "rent" to an adult child who lived home? Of course, you would -- or should have. The same goes for a parent who lives with you. They eat the food, help run up the electric bill, so it's only logical that they should pay something toward it. Sit down with them and decide together how much they should pay.
To Feckleface1 - Your parents paid the bills when you were a child because parents are supposed to take care of their children. We do not owe anything because are parents took care of us. I take care of my mom because she is an excellent mother and I love her. She does contribute to the household because the bills are more since she moved in. I have children of my own and right now they are the ones I need to financially support
my mother lived with us for 16 years. we totally renovated and upgraded the whole house, added on rooms, remodeled, windows, plumbing, electrical etc. My husband and I paid for this not my mother. I was a joint account holder on her bank accounts and made withdrawals to pay her bills, and for her miscellaneous spending, i.e. hair, nails, presents. Recently due to the fact I couldn't work and be away from the house for fear of her falling, setting the house on fire, etc., she did contribute minimally to the household expenses. She always had a combative, angry personality. Then dementia started due to multiple T.I.A.'s, stroke, heart attack. Well, dear old mom, who was always a liar, had been telling my sister horrible lies regarding the spending of her money, abuse, and caregiving. Unfortunately, my sister believed her due to her own problems with reality. Now my mother lives with my sister, and she has taken control of her bank account, poa revoked, will changed all due to the almighty buck!! So all I can say is be careful, if I hadn't been a joint holder on her accounts or poa then I could have been in a lot of trouble due to her false allegations. So make sure you have all your bases covered. I dodged a bullet that I thought would never be aimed at me. Good luck.
Yes, it is certainly allowable. It is also OK to charge rent, and/or to be compensated for caregiving. It is a good idea to have a formal personal care agreement or other document drawn up spelling out what you are providing and what Mom is paying. This is especially important if Mom has other relatives, or if she may need Medicaid down the road.
It is good to be thinking ahead about the possibility of having Mom live with you. Be sure to plan for some respite. You will need some time away from her. How will that be handled? If you will need to pay for respite care, arrange for that to come out of Mom's income or assets. No one can do 24/7/365 care and retain their sanity. Respite is often overlooked until the need arises. Plan ahead!
I believe that this is allowable if they are consuming a portion of utilities, you can be compensated, just as if they were living on their own. You can also keep records and be compensated by the estate after passing. My mom is contributing every month to cover utilities, part of the mortgage, etc. since it would be much more expensive for her to live in a facility and she has the means to do so.
I see no reason why they should not be asked to pay a portion of the household grocery bill, water and light. FIL eats more than me and hubs combined and pays only 25% of the bill. I am retired and on a fixed income as well, why should I have to pay his food bill. He pays no rent at all, nor does he pay for constant attention, laundry , cable and driving around all expenses.
My dad has lived with me for 4 years after a hip fracture. He was doing well and spent many days "having a ball" with his attendants. He has medicaid and he went out to lunches, etc for several years. Now, as his needs have changed we have made our home more accessible to him. We will also have to replace the carpets and the woodwork, paint, etc. that has been pretty much destroyed by his walker and incontinence. When he could spend his money and enhance his life, I did not use any of his Soc Sec to supplement the household income. Now that he is more housebound I am putting aside what I can to replace what will have to be replaced. Also, I had to quit work before I could receive my total social security, to care for my dad, so, I say, "Yes, use your moms money to supplement your household income." It will cost more than you think to keep her in your home. Make sure you have POA before she moves in. Good luck.
Basically no if you have siblings who won't like it. If it's just your mom, you and your wife, and your mother is not a combative person who will accuse you or your wife of taking advantage of her, then yes, you can probably do this. But if you have siblings, they will likely make a stink of it that your mom is paying anything for you. A friend of mine did this, he was taken to court, his banking accounts were audited, he had to show an accounting of everything his mother paid for. Basically he had to pay the siblings a portion of the total amount of funds the mother eventually ended up spending to "help out" before she passed.
First, I want to say , If my mom had Dementia, Then she probably wouldn't know what or when the light bill was due. Second she paid all the electricity bill for all my childhood and the least that I could do for her is to take care of the electricity bill for her and Pay it in her name.That is what I would due for her .
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
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Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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PS: Family caregivers really need to look at their own future and contributions to social security and the like and make sure that they are not putting themselves in future jeopardy.
Any assets the elder has left will go to the nursing home. Mom or Dad would probably prefer to pay rent and utilities, than to lose it all paying for the NH. Nobody's getting rich here.
You should be using that money to care for him and his meds; any co-pays from providers. Do not feel guilty! Just beware that you could be audited by an elder advocate agency, social services, or the court. be ready so you can show the ledger sheet. It would also be good to keep a daily log in your own defense.( If ever needed) I need to start doing this as well!
If your parent wants to help, then let him or her help. Don't feel guilty about the help.
Yes, your parent paid for everything when you were little, but prices have gone up, and if you are a parent; you are/have paid for your child(ren) too. Things have changed a lot since we were kids. Plus, I believe that our parents would want to help.
My Dad said that I was changing my entire life to take care of him, since my Mom had to go into an assisted living home and I was now his Caregiver. He said I was giving up my job, privacy, good pay, and life to take care of him. And that it was the least he could do.
I never felt this way, and still don't. My parents did a lot for me, but I have done a lot for them and continue to do it.
Don't let anyone make your fell bad about your parent helping you. Most people wouldn't even consider taking in their parent nowadays. You are amazing for doing so. My siblings would never have done it, but I knew someone had to.
Good Luck and God Bless you!!!!!
mother has major assets, you and other family members need to meet and decide on what can be done to help your family. No matter what your situation is , you need to have access to money that can provide respite care for all caregivers and can make certain your mother's personal needs are met. I hope things go well for all of you!
The space requirements & utilities are very different for my son & I (he's school-age & I work 2 jobs - so we utilize an auto-thermostat I can't use with M&D home), as is the food requirement. Because this is an additional cost, parents should contribute reasonably to the bills based on their income & personal/medical needs that cost.
To reply to the poster that commented about we should take care of our parents... I say that I signed up to be responsible & go into the poor house or work myself sick for one person in this life - my son & a future SO.
Just as my parents signed up to do the same for my sister & I while minors, and their spouse (each other).
When I moved back home after both of my bad break ups, and before I invited them to move into my new home when they were losing theirs - I was charged rents & food.
Living together while Mom is functional, but Dad is homebound by choice (not social) as his dementia worsens - the utilities aside from cable/internet are usage based. I cannot afford to raise my son & pay more than I was paying on our own, while the utilities double or triple. We've found that a 67/33 split on those w/ 50/50 on c/i is fair. Food is similarly broken down.
It is good to be thinking ahead about the possibility of having Mom live with you. Be sure to plan for some respite. You will need some time away from her. How will that be handled? If you will need to pay for respite care, arrange for that to come out of Mom's income or assets. No one can do 24/7/365 care and retain their sanity. Respite is often overlooked until the need arises. Plan ahead!