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Dear Friend,
Although your in-laws feel your the best ones to care for your Mother-In law, clearly communication is not their strong suit. I’m sure you value your family’s feelings and would not want to alienate them from Grandma, but this is a decision that needs serious consideration. I am speaking from personal experience. And as you mentioned before, your relationship with your MIL isn’t the best. The work, the responsibility, the toll it will take on you...I would strongly recommend you and your husband seek counsel with someone in the profession of elder care before moving forward. This is no easy situation and I feel for you.
Good luck
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well it nice of your brother in law to suggest that YOU take care of her until he figures things out.  sorry.....get ahold of an Elder attorney immediately and get things set up.  check around into different nursing facilities and see if they will take Medicaid because you might be able to get her into a place and when her funds run down, Medicaid will kick in.  IN the meantime, hire a full time nurse (they can change out shifts) to stay with your mother in law, which she can pay for.  We all feel that we have to "take care" of our elders, but do NOT feel guilty if you do not.  It will take over YOUR life.  If you have disagreements now with hubby it will only get worse and you will grow apart.  Its not fair to the children either, let alone you since it appears that you will have the majority of the work.  what happens when hubby gets home from work.......will he take over the care of your mother?  or will you still be doing everything?  good luck
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Since all of her care falls on you, you have every right to ask questions and say NO if you choose to.  You don't say the ages of your children, but I don't know how you're going to take care of someone with dementia, work a full time job and juggle your children while taking care of her.  I would suggest that one of her two sons take FMLA from their job to manage her until she is placed.  I am sure that would light a fire under your BIL making a decision.

If it were me, I would say NO.  Don't get bullied into doing this.
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Based on just two facts - dementia and her behavior towards you - makes this an impossible situation. Do NOT, no matter how hard or what pressure is put on you, TAKE THIS WOMAN INTO YOUR CARE. It will end up destroying everything you love and hold sacred. You and your family come first - no if's about that. I fear once she is with you, you won't get her out to a facility. DO NOT ALLOW THIS.....STAND FIRM. If you need help for her now, she needs a caretaker to do this job - not you - and consider placing her. She obviously does not deserve you based on how she has been towards you in the past.
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No no no no no! Don’t do it. If BIL can’t make a decision you do it. For the sake of your marriage and family do not move her into your home. It is obvious that you will be the one doing most if not all of the work caring for her. Your husband isn’t home, where is the BIL in all of this?

The best thing for your MIL will be to ask the hospital social worker for help finding her a placement, even if it is temporary. Do what is best for the majority of people.
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Don't do it! Taking care of someone is not easy even when you love them and get along with them. Everything you have stated sounds like this is a disaster in the making as well as not a fair situation for you. I would totally advise you not to do it.
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Mrs. Brightside, how did things go coming into the weekend?
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MrsBrightside Jun 2020
She’s still at my brother in laws. We thought we had an assisted living home picked out, ready for her to move in to this weekend. Then my bil started to second guess it, thinking perhaps it wasn’t the right choice. My sil blew up, as she’s at her wits end, and said she’s done helping. Then she stormed out of the room and my bil started laying into my husband and me, using profanity, saying we don’t do anything to help. Which is so untrue. Luckily my husband stopped me from saying anything I’d regret. He handled it well. We left. My husband was supposed to call his brother this morning on his way in to work. I’m still waiting to hear how that conversation went. If only I would have found this group sooner, maybe I could have shared it in time with everyone, and we wouldn’t be in this mess.
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" If only I would have found this group sooner, maybe I could have shared it in time with everyone, and we wouldn’t be in this mess."

MrsBrightside - you found this group just in the nick of time. It could have been YOU in your SIL's position right now, having MIL living under your roof, and BIL taking his sweet time weighing options for his mother while you're pulling out your hair trying to hold on to your sanity.

Even if you found this forum earlier, you may not be able to change what others do. Sometimes, people have to try things out for themselves in order to discover they shouldn't have done those. That's the case for many of us, we found out the hard way and try to warn others. Your BIL/SIL now found out for themselves...

Just thank your lucky star you dodged a bullet.
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I never could find your update but I read that your MIL is living with her other son and his wife. You dodged a bullet!

Anyway...your BIL owes you and your husband an apology. Not only did he want to pawn his mother off on you regardless of your circumstances but he also blew up at you both because of the stress he is putting himself under by second guessing the ALF decision.

You can't stop others from making mistakes. You and your husband hopefully have had several conversations about what you both are and are not willing to do for his mother. At the top of that list is you are not willing to move her into your home.

You can help your husband by sharing with him what you learn on this forum. You can help your husband establish healthy boundaries with his family members who are intrusive. Your marriage and your family come first.

Your husband needs to have a clear picture about how much money his mother has to pay toward her care. Once her meds start working and she's medically stable, she should get all important paperwork done e.g. durable power of attorney for both medical and financial, living will/advance directives and will. Dementia only gets worse and everyone needs to be on the same page about her end of life care.
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