Am I selfish to now want to live my life without including my mother?

Good luck LOLOLOLOL

No, just do it. Or 10 (15, 20+) years from now you will look back with regret. Do it.

Wow! So many of us in the same boat with moms in their 90’s! How the hell are we still here and not dead from pure exhaustion? Or in jail from killing siblings? Or mental institution? Hahaha

Sad, really. Hey, send us a postcard from a tropical island 🏝!!! Do go and live it up!

You don't sound like a selfish person at all. Even the most unselfish, though, do have conflicts and problems balancing their needs with those of the person who is more depending on them now. Let your mother and sister know well in advance that you plan to be away from ___ to ___. (Or find a respite home for your mother. No way should she convince you to take her along.) Get some commitment from your sister that she will check in every day for the time you're away. (A twenty-minute ride isn't too much to do every day or two for a few weeks.) You don't say what your mother's overall health and financial situation are. If she can afford to contribute to her expenses, now is the time for this to begin. If it happens that in your time away your mom doesn't do well, you'll need to talk to her about her future needs (possibly assisted living). She and you are very fortunate that she's been this independent this long. Of course she's more needy now and this is likely to increase. If you don't think you can maintain the boundaries you need, in fairness to you both you need to start planning now.

From your description, it sounds like your mum has a narcissistic personality. These types are very controlling, and often keep the other family members isolated or in competition so that the narcissist remains the center of attention. There are several support groups on Facebook, I frequent the one called “Caregivers of Narcissistic Family Members.” I’ll bet you would hear your story repeated many times! There are some tips for dealing with controlling personalities... you might search for the “gray rock” technique if you need additional strategies.

Run off into the sunset while you can, honey - you’ve done enough!

Seems like "Honor thy Father and Mother" is not your family creed. Brother is overseas, Sister works all week, comes over now and then. You have an outside life (work?). Son wants to go to Australia. You want some time away with your Partner. Mother is not in anybody's plans. She is not a grateful person and is not the only one in the family like that. Everybody is going their separate ways and you want to do that also. Sure, you are selfish but so is everybody else these days, or so it seems. There seems to be nothing short of heavenly intervention that can pull your family together, so contact "A Place for Mom", get her settled, and then the whole family can go their separate ways.

No you aren’t being selfish. Well maybe a little but it’s a healthy selfish 😂.
Your situation sounds similar to mine. My daughter and I did 90% of the additional care my mother couldn’t provide for my stepfather ( Alzheimer’s ) for 7 years+, then my mother after his passing ( food, arranging cleaning, dr appointments etc) so it was about 10 years all told and my already poor health deteriorated until now I’m 90% housebound. My siblings popped in occasionally ie a couple hrs a month, all my sister “could stand “. (Narcissist mother and sister, irresponsible spoiled brother) so family meeting resulted in “aww, too bad , you handle it “🙄. So I found her independent living facility, handled her move(well sister came and bossed the movers for 2 hrs while my children, husband and I spent weeks to get her packed / unpacked etc all the wrong way of course according to mother and sister ). After the move, then sister and brother brought a roll off in and spent a morning and tossed most of her remaining property, which somehow is still my fault and I stole all her stuff( guessing they told her that or she just won’t blame then like always. )
long story longer, people are what they are and you can’t change them. When they are toxic, that isn’t going to change so you need to think of self preservation. You aren’t old enough to lay down and let them walk on you nor are you solely responsible.

First of all, oh and second of all, YOU are NOT selfish ! You and your needs and wants are important as well.

My mom is currently in rehab (mild heart attack, maybe mild stroke, and some Alzheimer's), definitely narcissistic, and this has been the most relaxing time at home I've had since I had Mom move in 2 years ago. My only sibling/brother passed away 3 years ago. The plan for now is for Mom to return home (and hire some in-home help for her), but I feel certain somewhere down the line, it may be necessary for AL. I will be returning to my full-time job in a week, and between that and Mom living here, I've had no time for dating. And it is just as well, as Mom has made it clear she wants no one else living here, especially a man :)

But you have someone, and you need to feel free to enjoy that relationship. Never let anyone suggest that you are selfish. Wanting to do things without constantly being judged is not being selfish. And as far as someone else mentioned about Honoring Thy Father and Mother...... they obviously have not had the "pleasure" of having a narcissistic parent. A narcissistic parent only truly cares about his/her own wants, has no idea what empathy is and is surely not respectful to others. So the best way of honoring that parent would be to ensure they have their needs met, but it does NOT have to be in your home. Check out assisted living and just let it be known you can no longer continue to "do it all". Do not feel that you need to explain anything to anyone. Just remember that your needs and wants are important.... "we" want to have some golden years to enjoy, too!

Spend a couple of hours reading posts on this site, discovering what it looks and feels like to be caring 24/7 for a very elderly parent with more issues than you thought were possible. Hospitalizations, ER visits, doctors, ambulance rides, rehab stays, specialists, wheelchairs, incontinence, wet beds, hiring in home aides, dementia, broken bones, bed sores, nursing homes.....the list is literally endless. This is YOUR default future if you do nothing. Honor YOURSELF and find other living arrangements for mother. This may be considered "selfish" by some, but hey, who cares what some people think? Life is short. Live it to the fullest.

Well, being an only child I didn't have a choice when the rest of the family said she was MY mother, and I needed to do something about her, and I did, and I have, and still am.  She was there for me growing up, and now it is my turn to be there for her.  She is the only mother I will ever have, and when she is gone, there won't be any family for me who cares because that has been made very clear to me with no one else calling, writing, sending any form or communication, and acting like it is a "chore" to even talk to her when we occasionally call to let them know that she is still around and maybe it would be to their advantage to hear her voice.  When she is dead and they receive part of the inheritance from her, I hope they feel horrible for the way that they have treated her and ignored her and me, and for the way she was there for them when they needed help in some form or fashion and she gave it to them willingly and without the thought of ever being repaid for it.  I certainly won't forget what she did for them, and I have no qualms in holding a grudge against them for their current behavior towards her/us.

Your situation and mine are almost identical from our Moms being narcissistic to looking for you in every room. I did this for thirteen years with 5 siblings living close by in proximity. Yes one sister called her daily but only saw her on weekends for a short, short time. Another sister did things for Mom which helped but wasn’t near enough. Three brothers didn’t do squat, barely spoke to her, didn’t darken our doorstep for over 3 yrs....the hurt is endless. We paid for everything!

But...only one ever asked how I was doing. No one else cared as long as I did everything for our Mom which I did. Not employed for almost 10 yrs to be with her but yet Noone asked about me or my husband. She’s 87 mobile, still has her mind so heavens cant be hard to care for!!!

After watching my my own health suffer, my marriage shrivel we decided it was time to leave. We’re in the process of selling our home and moving out of state. We had a so called family meeting and we let the other siblings know that they needed to step up to the plate. Mom is now living w my sister, 5 mi away but away and I’m busy enjoying life again. I was never a care taker, I was a care GIVER!!!

Dont be afraid to do the same w your sister. Let her take over and see some of the struggles you had. It won’t take long for her to see that you were truly a saint keeping your Mom a dozen years! I wish you well and be blessed but find some peace like I am and live again!!! 💕

Most people have no idea of the life drain that happens caring for elders, maybe you just can't till you do it. I just finished with my mom(she passed), still in it a little with my dad. In retrospect I would have put things in place much sooner. Feel like I have some post-trauma stress. Save yourself and your health. Seems like many of our parents generation is living into late 80's and 90's and completely wearing out their kids. In retrospect, it didn't really make any difference that I did stuff(wearing me out) than that a good caregiver had done it. Save your life. Best wishes.

You are not alone in this special “club”, and as you see from many of the comments, people try desperately to find a way to keep all the balls in the air? It is impossible for the long haul. Until you have a big plan in place, like a move etc...you take mini- vacations, like an hour or two for a walk in fresh air, the mall, dinner, or some place for a breather. Your life is disrupted, no question, but if you allow your health to fail due to stress and not getting proper diet or rest, no one will follow up on your mom, and possibly, folks too burdened with their own lives to help you for the long haul...hopefully, you will not be in that situation, but you do not want to increase your risk. Sounds like family is her only center for activities and companionship...you may have tried some alternative, but I will briefly suggest some for others...a senoir day care, where they have activities and outings, a local church to see what they offer. Libraries also have activities, and certainly contact info for other options in the town/county. Most are eager to help. You may have to give her a try at something even if she is reluctant, because misconceptions of the unknown often prevail, but once they try something a few times, they seem bored with home! I took care of my mom at home 8 years, partially paralyzed from a stroke with various complications. As it became clear tht she was regressing, it was no longer safe for her to be at home, falling etc... no matter how far I personally had to travel to visit and care for her, I sought the best environment for her, carewise, activity-wise, and everything possible. She lived another 10 years because I stayed on it. I had some help from my brother and sister, but I had the majority, including giving up a Masters degree in progress. I loved and still love my mom.she was an example of total unselfish love. She died just shy of 101, almost three years ago. I still miss her, cry, and wish I could see her just one more time, because I was not there when she took her last breath. She was alone. I regret nothing, because in my case, it was a privilege to care for her, not only because a mother’s love is not replicated with anyone else, but because it brought out the strength I had to muster daily caring for her, going to work, and taking on other obligations. Do what you can. I think you already are on a track, and looking for reenforcement. You know in your heart what you can and cannot do. One step at a time...

Put aside your emotions for a moment.
What do you want to accomplish with your life?
How do you want to live your life?
What needs are not being met in your life?
What are the major frustrations of mom living in your place?
What types of care do you provide that you would rather "others" do?
What kinds of help is available to meet her needs and relieve your frustrations?
How much time and money would this cost?
What finances does mom have to meet these needs?

Once you have figured these out, get your family members - mom included - together for a family conference about mom's care.

Outline why the current situation needs to change.

Ask mom what her preferences are about the lifestyle she would prefer. Just because she "likes" her current situation does not mean you have to give up your life to continue the current course.

Share what you have found in the way of support, finances, etc. and ask family how they are willing to help. Together, come up with a plan that attempts to meet everybody's needs. Remember that they do not have to help (nor do you), but it is better is everybody agreed on what the "plan" will be.

You are absolutely right and justified in your decision to do as you are planning.
If you don't do this, you will be filled with resentment and regrets. Your partner has no doubt been very supportive over the years as you have cared for your Mother.

Now is the time for your sister to step up and assume her responsibilities in caring for her Mother too.

Be strong, but have a plan well thought out with an "end-date" in mind. BTW, the "other side of 50's" is still very young and filled with many wonderful opportunities.

agree with what some other folks have suggested. Be firm, set a date, and say to your siblings, “it’s become hard for me to care for mom alone after 12 years. WE need to sit down and come up with a plan for her care and her finances. What do you all suggest? I need a plan in place by “x” date.”
And NO it is not an option keeping her at your house. Maybe a small apartment nearby that you all take turns checking on her? (If brother lives abroad, then he can hire a caregiver to come on the days that he is supposed to be providing care) Fair is fair!
Assisted living? Senior community?
It all starts with a meeting.
You deserve a life, too.
I took my dad to live closer to me in a 55+ apartment that has wonderful amenities, social activities, community breakfasts, etc. He chooses to sit alone in his apartment smoking cigarettes. I check on him every day, bring him meals, do his laundry, medication, and cleaning. His dementia is getting worse, and I recently found a nurse to come once a week to insist that he changes clothes. My brother lives 3 states away, but supports any decision I make. I told him I need to get someone in to make sure dad showers and changes clothes. Non negotiable.

Speak up and take care of yourself. I think the “absent siblings” often underestimate the daily commitment made by the “caregiving” sibling. Good luck 👍🏼

Dear SunyJo, a comment from the other side of the world: you are not alone in having a son who is coming to live here in Australia. Parents usually come to visit, particularly when grandchildren are born, and frequently decide to stay here. My son-in-law’s father has just visited from Ireland, my first MIL visited and then moved here from London. You have the perfect excuse to change things now – you and your partner are planning a three month visit, with travel around to lovely places, once your son has settled in. Naturally something different needs to happen with your mother’s care. It’s a lot better reason than something other people can categorise as ‘I’m fed up with this.’ Yours, Margaret

Twelve years is a long time for mother to be living with you. Best to readdress her living situation since more than a decade has passed.

You have given your Mum the wonderful gift of security & company for 12 years. It's a long time to be living close, but as someone else said, you can see the snowball poised ready to roll! The next 12 (or whatever years) won't be just living close it will be living the same life ie your Mum's.

If Mum is depending on you for her living arrangements, then you get a say in them. If the balance has swayed, or about to, to meet all Mum's needs but at the expense of YOUR needs it's time for a new plan for sure - one that is good for BOTH of you. Do it now. So your Mum can settle into a new location & enjoy it.

12 years is a long time so if you feel you need to move slower that other people suggest, maybe consider this: tell Mum about the grandson's travel plans & your future trip to Australia. Tell her it won't be possible to stay home alone as your trip will many weeks long so she will need to stay in respite / assisted living. Do they have respite available where you live? If so, research & find one then tour it & book Mum in for a week or two stay. She will get used to staying there & fitting in with the care routines, the social life, the meals etc. It will be a good transition.

What is the current back up plan for Mum if you say, broke your leg?

I am so grateful for all the replies I have received in answer to my question. I feel quite overwhelmed that so many people have taken the time to read my post and respond so sensitively.
I appreciate all points of view & I now do feel that the time is right for me to change direction in my life - I may well keep you posted as I continue...!
Thanks so much to all who made such an effort to respond to my post.

You say you will Do it but You won't. God made the decision last August for me to Move Down South and Three Months Later Mom died. It is in His hands and what you have to Me, Is Picture Perfect. You will be Alone soon Enough and Then, It will get Really Rough. You will miss Mom. Stay put. She is Old.

At my dad's memory care today: They are having a 101st birthday party for a resident. So, yeah, if the OP is ready to move on, she should not wait any longer.

Twelve years is an awful long time to be catering to your mother. You need some balance. I moved my 92 year old father 700 miles 8 years ago to be in assisted living near me. I do have an alcoholic brother who speaks on the phone to my father maybe three times a year. (and my father just gushes over how wonderful it was he called every single time.) So I am the be all and end all for Dad. Either I or my husband visit nearly every evening and we have him at our house every Saturday and Sunday. I take him to every doctor appt. and sit at his bedside every day each and every time he is in the hospital or in rehab. My devastated recently divorced daughter and her two toddler boys live with us. I am her total emotional support system and I care for the boys while she works. Two other children of mine also have issues which cause me a lot of stress. Dad has no sympathy for any of this and wants my undivided attention. My husband is still working, but we go away as often as humanly possible! It is the only way I can escape the stress and get some peace. I am 65 years old and my husband is 67. My mother passed away at 73 in 2001. Her mother passed away at 97 in 2002. My mother's mother outlived her so I am not one to say I will get my time when Dad passes away. He could outlive me! My time is now. None of us know how long we will live. Dad hates it when we go away. I don't tell him we are going until the last minute so he doesn't have time to stew about it. Is there any way you can get your mother into assisted living? If she doesn't want to go, tough. Dad has always wanted to live with us. Not going to happen! You deserve time to enjoy life. We will never get these years back. Do for your Mom but don't let her suck the life out of you! When she was your age what was she doing? My father never cared for his parents and wouldn't let my mother care for hers because "she belonged with him". (although her mother outlived her, she did have health issues, was frail, and lived alone for 10 years following the death of my grandfather.) And, now, here he is just expecting I will cater to his every whim. Live with your partner. Visit your son. Don't let life pass you by. When I was 59, in response to Dad's demands that I should always be with him, I said to him, "What were you doing when you were 59? Were you working? (I was still working then.)" He responded, "Yes." I said, "Were you traveling?" He said, "Yes," I said, "Were you going out with friends?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Can you be 59 again?" He said, "No." I said, "Dad you have to let me be 59 because I can never be 59 again!" So, Sunny Jo, live your 50s because you can't get them back! And don't feel guilty about it!

Amazing how "family" seems to disappear in these caregiving situations. Sad and unfortunate. They are simply missing out on loved ones life and the elder years at that. I have been living with my mom 10years now & get where your coming from wanting time to spend with partner, travel, and all we thought we'd be doing. I don't think your being selfish at all for wanting the change, and Now!! However, is your sister likely to take this on? Will she be a good provider, if she does? Maybe a retirement home may fit better and your sister could help explain to mom why the time is now. Your time will get less as her health declines. You didn't say how her health is but ive been hands on for a year straight. Day in and out. My mom is high risk falls and oxygen 24/7 so she can't be alone more then like an hour to run errands. Its on your heart now so make the move now before things get worse and your conscience prevents your way out! A person knows their limits. From someone who knows, it sounds like u are there my friend. Best of luck & hugs😇💝kelly

Yes, that is my pet peeve also!!! Telling someone you will miss Mom when she’s gone!!! How do you know??? I see it on Facebook all the time. All the sayings about call your Mom, she won’t be here forever!! A lot of the people who lost their mothers, the daughters were only in their 20’s and the Mom had been healthy. Or if she was sick it was for a very short time or died unexpectedly. The Mom wasn’t 95 and constantly hurling insults at the daughter!!!

If you feel the time to change direction is now then it is now time to change direction. You have put in your time and you have the right to live your life.

We always talk about how much time can our LOs have, well what about how much time do we have? Really! Go live your life...time slips through our fingers way to fast!! You are not being selfish!

No! You are not wrong. You are a normal person who wants to be autonomous and do your own thing. That is normal and you shouldnt have to feel guilty.

I wouldnt say you are travelling. They are going to say you are selfish. You are not! You are a normal person that wants their independence.
I would say you need a break from the stress. Youve done 12yrs and you are done. Lay it on the line with your siblings. That things are going to change and they need to step up. There will be huge backlash by all 3 no matter what the reason.

Tell them your living your life is not up for discussion. They will only try to tear you down. It is to make you feel guilty. Tell them they have no say in how you live your life. I would keep repeating that.

Here are the choices for mom. She can live with one of you, or an apartment, or assisted living etc. Id give it a deadline date or it will drag on and on forever.

I wouldnt say you want their help. That will sound like they have a choice to say no. They arent going to want to change a thing. Its working for all of them. Heck who wouldn't want to just make a few min phone call a week?
They are all going to be angry with you. Too bad. You can say its all working for them, but not you any more. You need a break and are entitled to one. Your not abandoning anyone. You need this change and it will happen. I think I would lead with burnout and not discuss the travel. They will turn it into you being selfish and abandoning mom. It will be used as a total guilt trip. That way they dont have to step up.

I would definitely have a time line for this change to happen. If you dont set one, they will find every excuse to not help. So If I were you, I would have backup plan. If they dont help, here is what will happen. She goes to this place(apartment etc). This is a done deal.

As for them not checking in with you, its because they dont want to get caught up in the problems of mom being under your care. They can just play dumb. Then they dont have to know. That is why the distance.

So get ready. I would tell mom first. Id also be prepared to sell the house. Because your family is going to be very resentful that you have a MIL suite, and arent using it for her. You could say your downsizing. That might soften the blow. They are going to find every excuse to put mom right back in there again. They are going to say the nursing home is too expensive, or she needs somewhere to go after a hospital stay. How can you not take her back? It is not being used. Your not traveling all the time. Your being selfish etc, etc. Because its easy on them to blame /guilt you. Just something to concider.

I had a friend who had a MIL suite. His entire extended family kept pushing off sick relatives on him to care for, bc he had that space. Even had neices saying they couldnt care for their dad (his divorced brother) after surgery. They were in their mid 20s. They can hire a nurse. His other family members said they were going to have brother delivered on doorstep after surgery. I told him to call social worker at hospital and put a stop to that. He did. It was one relative after another. I told him to say it was rented out. It was stressing him out. He'd get rid of one relative, and here comes another.

You have to make sure that room isn't an option, or they will be trying to put mom back in it every chance they get. You can tell them you have to rent it out for the income. Your broke. They dont have to know you are traveling. Personally I wouldnt tell them. Or you can say I needed a break. Your entitled to one. Or you will find mom back on your doorstep. And you will be starting all over again. It wont get better either. Good luck.

Wow she's essentially taking care of herself at 91. I've been fully taking care of my 86 yr old mother for 8 years. Please continue to let her live there. I'm just speechless.

This sounds very much like my own life minus the living arrangement with mom. Our mother’s sound very much alike. Mine plays the manipulation game like a chess master. I have been caring for my mother for the better part of the last two years and the prior two years tended to my dad as well. My sister has little involvement . We talk by phone,but in terms of her lightening the load it doesn’t happen. Over time I have become resentful in that my life is completely on hold. My sister takes vacations several times a year. Has her weekends free. I just retired and spent virtually every day from July fifth to the present caring for my mother who broke her hip. To say it has been extremely stressful is an understatement. My mother expects me to take care of her. When she came home I had arranged for 24 hour care. Four days later she had thrown them all out and said I want you to take care of me. She is demanding and used to getting her way. She does not listen at all to what her doctors and care team want her doing. Tomorrow I meet with a threesome of nurses from the VNA to see what can be done.

Read the reply of “guiltandanger”....then, read it again until her words sink in. She speaks the truth....