Follow
Share
Read More
Seems like you considered your caregiver role would be a sprint instead of the marathon. Consider what you gave up to be a caregiver and what needs come back into your life. Get help from others to help lighten your load. If you can no longer be a caregiver, please have your loved one placed into the care of a long term facility that can meet their needs and is kind.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Taarna
Report

Your sister said that your mum is as much your responsibility as she is hers.
Fine. Yet, being responsible doesn't mean sacrificing your life for hers. That's not responsibility: that's martyrdom.

Furthermore, your sister isn't acting responsibly. If she were, she wouldn't be jeopardising her own health, or compromising yours, by giving all her strength and wellbeing to your mum, and expecting you to do the same.

Taking responsibility would be placing your mum into a suitable facility and ensuring that she gets the care she needs. It would be accepting that quality of life comes first, over and above quantity.

Stop accepting your sister's version of what responsibility, love and care look like. Stand up for yourself, for your mum and, indeed, for your sister. This isn't a healthy situation.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to MiaMoor
Report
Soygenio Aug 29, 2024
It’s a harsh reality but true. Expense sometimes limits what resources are available. I’m taking care of my mother 87yr. She had a stroke 1 1/2 years ago and has been with us (my husband and I) since. It is the hardest thing I’ve done. I raised two children and that was a lot of work but with a lot of happy times and joy. It’s so very different now. I know self care is monumental but easier said than done. I empathize with everyone in our position.
(4)
Report
See 3 more replies
It’s a thousand times worse caregiving your spouse.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to JeanLouise
Report
BurntCaregiver Aug 29, 2024
@JeanLouise

I beg to differ. I was a caregiver to my ex-husband the last year of his life. It was hard physically and mentally caring for him. It was heart-breaking to see pain and disease ravage my once beautiful, golden-haired Adonis to an emaciated skeleton. When he couldn't suffer anymore, Death took him for his own.

Being a caregiver to my miserable, abusive mother was a thousand times worse than even this was. Even now, she's really not all that bad off. She needs some help and her actual care needs would be easy if she wasn't such a miserable, negative, abusive person.
(4)
Report
Valentine15: I feel for you. I've only had my mother for 5 years and I am going bonkers. As far as your parent outliving you is one I think about a lot. You want a life; I want a life. I don't want my mother to die, but it would surely take away her pain and let me live again. I just had a birthday, so I'm now 71. Then I read in the paper that we lost another classmate. Life is passing me by. I don't have any suggestions for you, just that I commiserate with you and have a great deal of empathy for those in our situations.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to uarew6
Report
BurntCaregiver Aug 29, 2024
@uarew6

Put her in a nursing home, memory care, or AL. At your age (71) how many good years do you think you have left?

I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Valentine who's had the yoke of care-slavery around her neck for the last 25 years with her mother.

Take the metaphorical 'gold watch' and retire from caregiving. Five years is long enough. Take back your life. You deserve caregiver retirement. It comes with a pension too. Your pension is time. Time to enjoy your life. Time to go places and have fun socializing. Time to do fun active senior things like go on cruises and play bridge.

There are people whose job it is to take care of your mother. They are who staffs care facilities or they staff a person's home. I was one of these people for 25 years and not I'm the boss of people like this.

I did caregiving for my mother and it was the most miserable time of my life. More miserable even then post-divorce when I was living cross country, barely making the rent, and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner. I was more miserable being chained to care slavery for my mother.

I'm in an office now usually six days a week for the business. It's hard and long hours, but I'm happy. You deserve to be happy too.
(4)
Report
Reading this and the responses has been the most disturbing part of my day. I really hope everyone on here gets a chance to be in their parent's shoes one day. What is the world coming to?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to OldNotDead
Report
Sha1911 Aug 29, 2024
No info in bio. Are you caring for someone 24/7 or responsible for managing an elderly loved one being cared for outside of your home?

Tell us how it's going and how you feel about it.
(4)
Report
See 8 more replies
I am burnt out too. My mom is different than the mom I remember. She barks out orders, is demanding, cries and swears when she is angry. It is hard not to feel like your life is passing you by as you care for your elderly parent.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to PhxAnn
Report
MargaretMcKen Aug 29, 2024
Yes, your life IS passing you by. This demanding person is NOT the 'mom you remember'. Find a different type of care that doesn't involve you being sworn at.
(7)
Report
See 1 more reply
My Mom is gone now, but while caregiving I was friends with two others caring for their Mom's. Both were in their early 60's and their Mom's were in their 90's. Both of them passed away recently.

The male friend died unexpectedly while still caregiving. His Mom is now in a Nursing Home. The female friend died 49 days after her 93 old Mom died. Both caregivers left families behind and children/grandchildren who need them.

Both caregivers did 24/7 caregiving with no outside assistance.

It's unfair to lose your life over this. I didn't think I would make it. But, somehow I got through it. At great cost both mentally and physically. And, no I would not do it again. That is what Nursing Homes are for.

I suggest your Mom goes to a nice Nursing Home or Assisted Living if she can afford it - and you start to enjoy your life again. 25 years is way too much. If that's not an option for you, then use her money to pay for visiting caregivers to assist you. Time off should not be a luxury. You matter, too!
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to QuiltedBear
Report

Tell the sister you are booking a cruise. Book a 2 or 3 week cruise in the Caribbean. Lie in the sun.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to brandee
Report
Beatty Aug 30, 2024
Absolutely.
And if you get push back, get Oh it's OK for YOU to go on holidays.. when you want.. etc that's when you have the Hard Chat (again) that Sister is choosing what she does. That SHE is in charge of HER life. If she has put her Mother in charge of her life - that is also her choice.
(2)
Report
I can relate! I'll be 60 in October, and I feel like I've given up my golden years to live with elderly parents. It's upsetting when I think of how much travel and excitement my parents got to experience. They want to age in their homes, but I wish they would consider the toll it takes and the sacrifices of their child. There's so much guilt involved on my part. We need to learn to advocate for ourselves. I went from 24/7 with no respite care for years, ended up having an actual breakdown, spending two weeks in the hospital and relapsing after years of sobriety. Now I take off 3 days and three nights per week. However, I can never go anywhere because my husband and I need to be available for the phone call that she has fallen and needs help. We live about 5 minutes away. At some point we need to ask ourselves "at what price?" I often wonder what goes through her mind. Does she ever feel bad that I don't live with my husband full time, that I can't take vacations or travel like she did, that my friendships have suffered terribly? I'm not honest about how I feel because I don't want her to feel bad. It's always operation "keep mom in good spirits." She hates when I leave her, and I have to explain that I have a marriage to maintain. Her blood work is as good as mine almost. And this poor woman is so ready to go. All she has in life is family company and her iPad. She's nearly blind and has very limited mobility.
I wish I had an answer for you, but I just thought I would commiserate. 😅 I feel like this is not sustainable in our society, and our government does very little to help. A big downside is not having wages paid into our social security. Then what? When I committed to this, I have no idea how long it would last or what toll it would take. I don't have children, but if I did I would never ask this of a child. I won't even mention how much money she's burning through. Private caregivers are expensive! But it's her money. She's 92, my stepdad has passed, and I see absolutely no end in sight. I love her so much, I just can't bring myself to put her in a facility. Trying to find responsible and caring caregivers is SO DIFFICULT in my area. At this moment I'm typing up a new care giving task list. I'm convinced that the new caregiver is suffering from memory loss. But she's nice, so I really want to work with her to improve. I know I'm picky, but I find myself accepting substandard work. I'm at the point where I only correct the most important items that relate to her health and welfare. I'm tired of being a maid and picking up after their messes. And I'm scared if I am anything but "extremely nice," my mom will pay the consequences. Anyway, good luck to you. I think there are many of us suffering through this. Maybe it's a generational thing. We have to be careful who we put in political office. Hopefully some of this shortfall can be addressed in the future. I have visited live-in facilities in my area of Louisiana. I've left in tears. Perhaps if you're a multi-multi-millionaire, nice facilities are available. Take care. God bless. Hang in there.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Shellybeau
Report
Scampie1 Aug 31, 2024
Check with the Department of Aging and see if there are respite services that are available. My aunt was widowed and retired and she was a caregiver to her mother with advanced dementia. She would put her mother in respite for a couple of weeks to get some rest. Her mother passed and my Aunt T developed emphysema from years of smoking. So, she did not enjoy her life after my uncle died. She passed in 1994. My uncle died in 1980.

Relatives are famous for setting standards on others for taking care of elderly. This may work for a while, but it will come a time when it is time for placement. This is best for the both of you. Please try to get some enjoyment out of life.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
There is no way I could do what you're doing for 25 yrs. I'm struggling going on 10 yrs. I had to set some boundaries and let some things go and a lot of times hope for the best.
Please give yourself a rest, and truly take care of yourself.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Rbuser1
Report

Year 6 of my 91yr old moms needs..I gave up my retirement dreams..she was having a fun life at 73. I have chosen to help her, visit her etc. Somedays I also feel it may never end..My moms physically strong but mentally gone..I will be 83 when she is 100. We think she may live to 100! She has no serious diseases. I might add just because they are in a memory care does not mean your life is all your own…You need to manage the managed care!! P.S. sometimes there is only one family member well enough to take of the moms needs! Good Luck..
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Sadinroanokeva
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter