After the tragic death of my precious son in law, I brought my very ill and crippled daughter into my home for 3 weeks. I wanted to comfort and help her temporarily. She was at first very sweet and loving though of course sad and grieving. She surprised me by how helpless and dependent and confused she was. I helped her arrange automatic deposit for her tiny 445o a month temporary income. My son in law's life insurance paid for his very nice funeral. My daughters income to my dismay totaled only $2,000 social security + the $450 for 13 months and then only $2,000. She has a mortgage payment of $910 a month. I arranged for automatic deduction of mortgage and utilities, etc. from her checking account. I, in the meantime paid her mortgage, utilities, and groceries for 3 months. My income is only $3100 a month so I could not continue that. She began to gradually become more and more helpless and yet demanding and even very abusive. My son called uber and had her removed from my home and transported back to her own home. All her deposits and payments are automatic now. I will not allow her back into my home. However, I am concerned she cannot cope on her own. She is very bitter and angry with me.
I don’t know how old her husband was but can she claim his social security if it is higher than her $2000? You might check into Section 8 housing for low income seniors. Paying nearly half for her housing is a lot. Can she be in a grief support group? Maybe ther is one online during Covid? Or she needs an antidepressant too?
Also, you did the right thing by sending her home. You supported her and guided her through the first phase. Now she must do it! You can’t do it for her.
You can encourage, you can suggest, but she must be the one to take her first step.
I am sorry that she is being angry and bitter towards you, people that don't do anything productive seem to be like that no matter what you do for them.
Just love her and pray that she starts taking responsibility for herself, that is the only way her problems will ever get solved, not by tearing you apart.
I'm very to read that her husband died. Had he been her primary caregiver for long?
It always surprised me that people have mortgages at 65 and older. Has your daughter checked to see if husband paid for Mortgage insurance? This would pay the balance of the mortgage off. Then the question is, can she afford to keep it up. Hopefully, she has some equity in the home and selling it she would make some profit. She could then find a 55 and up apartment. They are usually handicapped accessable. Some have activities. Common areas to meet other people. She needs to make a life for herself.
Your County Office of Aging should be able to help her with resources. Maybe even someone to help her learn to budget. Your County probably has a Disabilities Dept. She may get help there. There is help with utilities.
I am assuming you are in your mid 80s. Seem to be an independent person and can still do for yourself. But none of us knows when it will be our time. Your daughter needs to do for herself now. She can't be allowed to rely on others. We really don't help people by doing everything for them.
I had a friend who she and her hubby have passed. Nice people but they never taught their girls how to be independent. Which surprised me, because GF was a juvenile diabetic and had always had health problems. I would have thought the girls would have been taught to help more. But Mom felt she could do it all. This was OK till she turned 50 and had a massive heart attack and it was downhill from there. Well, neither girl has done all that well. The one actually lost the parents home. So she did her girls no favors. Do your daughter a favor and show her how to be independent. 😊
And your daughter is 65...it seems like it wouldn't be realistic for you to continue to take care of her.