I have never been a mean person, but the constant cleaning up after, the smell and the laundry is stressing me out. She doesn't deserve my attitude, but I don't seem to be able to handle this. She is 80, extremely depressed, sleeps 20 hours a day, is losing 5-10 pounds a month, is legally blind and hard of hearing. This is so painful to watch!
Monkeydoo, I cared for my mom 24/7 for four years. My line in the sand, so to speak, was when she became incontinent which is quite common. This was the point that I was going to have to fly the white flag of surrender, when I could no longer handle the care, when mom would receive better qualified help than I coyld provide to her. How much more do you think you can take? That is your call. And whatever feels right to you is what is best for mom as well. Is it time to pass on her increasing need for care to someone more equipped and trained? Only you can answer that question. It is OK to decide that you are not willing or able to care for mom any longer. Do what is right for you!
Monkeydoo knows that her mother doesn't deserve her anger. She is looking for help in managing this very human response to this distasteful task.
And caring for adults who are incontinent and bed-bound is not remotely like caring for a baby.
When my husband was able to stand, but balance was bad, I would put the tab type on him but "backwards" so the tab portion was in the front. This way when I stood behind him and positioned it I could use his body and body weight to pull the brief tight so it would not slip around.
At night or when a person is in bed most of the time place the tabs on the bed just like you would for a baby.
Rolling a person is pretty easy once you do it a few times and they get used to it and they can help and that makes it even easier. There are plenty of instructional videos on YouTube that demonstrate how.
Just like a baby get your supplies ready before you start.
Have under pads ready to place on the sheet. This cuts way down on the laundry. Or at least it is a light wash not a heavily soiled load.
One of the things that seems to help when trying to move my husband is counting. 1...2...3..then do whatever motion you are going to do. We are ingrained from a young age that "something" happens after 1..2..3...so if you start a 1..2..3.. count then roll she will become used to that.
And you have every right to be angry.
You have every right to be frustrated.
As most of you that have read my answers and comments you know what is going to come next....
Given the fact that she is loosing weight at the rate she is and that she is sleeping that amount of time she is have you considered calling Hospice to help you?
I have a CNA that comes in to help a few times a week, I get the supplies I need, I get the equipment I need and more importantly I get support form the CNA, The nurse, the Social Worker. I can cry on a shoulder when I need, I can ask questions and I always get a "you are doing a great job..is there anything you need"?
And as I have mentioned there are For Profit Hospice and Not for Profit Hospice I think the quality of the Not for Profit Hospice that we are with is outstanding.
And you need a Support Group. You need to get out and be able to vent and cry and have people tell you that they know exactly what you are going through.
(On line is great but you can not get a real hug on line)
With God’s help I am able to help her maintain some dignity.
All I'm saying is that sometimes it's impossible not to *feel* as though she must be doing it on purpose. Not that she really *is*.
And keep looking for ways to make clean up easier, as Madge mentioned, try other brands/types of incontinence products.
You're a hero
Instead of depends maybe try the ones that wrap around the legs and fasten at the waist
Only those that are ambulatory wear the depends style at my mom's memory care center - anyone lying in bed uses the rip off ones
I don't think my mom's poor bedridden roommate has any family checking in on her and she is at the complete mercy of hired staff - your mom is very lucky to have you
Hang in there and try to accept help from whoever offers - my siblings do nothing for mom but my good friend and housekeeper treat her like their own mama when I'm not around
It is *impossible* not to believe she did it on purpose. How else could her timing be *that* perfect?
Do you live anywhere near a home-collecting professional laundry service? If so, use it - hang what it costs. That was the single most useful thing I found during mother's double incontinence bed bound phase. I went crazy enough as it was, but without my local laundry I'd have been running out of bedlinen and working 26 hours a day instead. Failing that, see if there's simple domestic help you can get - a no-nonsense cleaning woman who'll also handle some of the laundry chores.
What support are you getting with your mother's personal care? Is any help available to you with that?