Not sure what I'm looking for here... maybe to know I'm not the only one? I need to get over the resentment I feel for having to leave my job to care for my Dad. I'm still feeling angry at the passing of my Mom a little over a month ago. I promised her I'd care for my Dad who has mild dementia. After reading what many of you are going through, other than having to live in his house, leaving my career, away from my husband, the care isn't that difficult. (Paying bills, getting groceries, cleaning the house). However, his lack of logic, reasoning, common sense and need to talk non-stop is driving me crazy. He doesn't care what I have to say, and is very selfish. Because of that and the resentment of having to be here, I feel I'm not often very loving. (I call him out on ridiculous remarks). I do that mostly because he was critical of Mom as she was dying - - I'm trying not to feel the need to get him back for it, but dang it, if it doesn't happen in moments of frustration. I then of course, lose sleep from the guilt and vow to do better tomorrow. But then he does it again... and so do I.
I’ll let you know how this goes after I do it. Usually the reaction from my father is anger and mind games. So I have a Plan B to counter with....
But at least I spoke up....
Is there any way Dad could live with you? Is your home close enough to his that you could have in home health care or place him in an AL as others have suggested? You might look into what Medicare will pay on this. We had a similar situation in our family where my husband's mother had too much money coming in every month to qualify and with the aid of an attorney and the laws changing in January 2015, my husband was able to get Medicare to pick up the cost.
That said, I do not believe there is any "getting over the resentment" this has caused as it is apparent your life is in a tailspin with the decisions that have been made so far. It is actually a set up for you and some major depression along with all this resentment.
Do you have siblings that could help ease the burden? I know it most families there is always that one adult child that all the responsibility seems to fall on. I'm the one in my family & my husband was the one in his family that the our siblings were and min my case are totally okay with assuming the "duties".
I wish you well with whatever you choose to do, but remember you need to take care of you first.
I see you promised your mother you'd take care of dad - but that didn't necessarily mean you had to quit your job or live with him. There are many ways to care for someone without losing yourself in the process. I am not trained in that area but Assisted Living comes to mind.
When I put a trailer in my front yard for my dad to live in, that was my way of 'assisted living' for him. But I didn't move in with him, I assisted him. He too had been widowed. I was very careful not to make any deathbed promises with Mom, but I did tell her (she was already in a coma) that I would see to it that Dad was ok. I kept my 'word' for 7.5 years and never regretted a moment of it. I got to know my dad in a way that I never could while growing up. But I was already "retired" and at home taking care of an aging hubby - DH is older than my parents were. He was 2 years older than Pop.
I am not going to ask your religion - but I get a lot of comfort from "give it to God" - and AA says to "give it to your higher power."
You can keep your promise to your mother by caring for your dad as you keep him entertained, help his mind stay sharp, and medically cared for in an assisted living home.
For one short hour. Then they ask me to leave. My sister is going to face her Karma one day!!
Hugs!
While I agree with countrymoise et al I also want to address the feeling of resent you are so struggling with. Because as long as that toxic feeling has you in its grip it will make it more difficult to implement the healthy changes offered here. I have found that the first step in releasing resentment is, believe it or not....acceptance of what is. I don’t mean passive acceptance. I mean courageous acceptance of what IS. I have at times repeated the “serenity prayer “ over and over. The key is not just “accept the things I cannot change”..but also “the courage to change the things I can”. As you begin to do small things for yourself the resentment will slowly slowly ease. You will begin to have “the wisdom to know the difference”.
You may discover that you can keep the promise to your mom without giving up your whole life. Remember, in an airplane we’re told to put on our air mask before helping the other person. If you can’t breath due to so much sacrifice, you can’t really take care of your dad. Resentment will win.
Sending you supportive thoughts and prayers. You can definitely keep your promise and not give up your life.
God bless you,
Grace + Peace,
Bob
* Dementia makes people irrational and selfish. This doesn't mean they ARE irrational or selfish, or that they have been so all their lives. It doesn't mean they need less care.
* we can decide to care for irrational and selfish people, even without dementia, out of simple compassion.
* my mother is considerate, respectful and loving. Still, I'm not prepared to give up my life completely and wait for her to die to live again, and I don't think she would want that either.
Where do you draw the line?
My (personal) answer is that I don't think that giving up your life completely is an option, regardless. We can decide to care in any circumstance and give our very best without sacrificing our entire life.
I do understand your feelings completely, as I was starting having some resentment too, and feeling terrible because of it; in my case it was indeed a matter of accepting a new role, and that my life had changed.
My current care is 2 hours a day, though. I'm prepared to do more, but I'm not prepared to give up to my whole life. I would definitely feel extremely resentful.
As Countrymouse said, that is a pretty healthy reaction. And if we are burned out and unhappy I don't think we can really help anybody.
Lots of my efforts in caring for my mother are directed in planning, granting and organizing and keeping as much of external help as I can, for my self, and for her.
I really think this IS part of caring.
I hope you'll get some help soon Beth.
With warmest wishes
I do sympathize with your frustration over listening to the prattle. My father does the same thing and I do call him out on it. They seem to think we are children and believe their word as gospel and are very shocked to find out that is not the case.
I suggest you stay only long enough to figure out a care plan that does not involve you 24/7 then get back to your life before it is too late.
You need to help find care for him in other ways and that still maintains the integrity of your promise. Moving him to a AL facility if it’s in his budget would be the first step. They can manage his meds, and other needs. Provide him with a safe environment, socialization and good meals.
Learning how to respond to someone with dementia takes a lot of know how and patience. The book I recently read really helped me with that skill. I’ve recommended it on here before and will continue to as it gave me much peace. Called Loving Hard to Love Parents by Paul Chavetz. It’s a thin book and on Amazon.
Realize you have options and make a plan. Get back to your marriage and career for the sake of your retirement. Let us know how it goes.
Under no circumstances should the adult child abandon the life they've built to care (long term) for a parent. You will need a game plan in case this goes on for another decade. If it does, the life you have built is gone and your own future will be much different than what you planned for yourself.
I don't think our parents' younger selves would have ever dreamed of asking us to give up our lives for them.
Don't look to dad to agree or understand - this is where you have to assume the adult role to care for dad. I hope you have POA for him for both healthcare and property?
I would explore the consequences of leaving the work force. I don't know your age, but, if you are out without building your career, earning retirement, etc. I'd check to see how that effects you in the long run.
I can't see how it isn't just going to grow, you being only human. Your promise to your mother has turned into giving up your job (what are you to live on?) and separating from your husband (what about your promise to him on marriage?); and if your father has mild dementia then you have a long, long road ahead - God willing.
So I think you need to look again at that promise and see if it can't be kept through a far more practical interpretation. You didn't promise your mother that you would screw yourself financially and ditch your husband. You did promise her that you would care for your father. That means finding the best support possible for him, and the best support can't come from someone who is justifiably furious with him and with the situation she finds herself trapped in.
There are other options which will be better for everyone and still keep faith. I should start looking if I were you.