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More so lately, I feel so fed up with my father's negativity. He has always been a real crab and has a bad temper, but I am so done with it. I have been getting yelled at my whole life and I just can't stand to be around it anymore.
Abuse in any form - emotional, verbal, physical - is never okay, no matter the cause. Being elderly, sick, or disabled is no reason to sanction this behavior. Make it clear that you will not tolerate it. When they start in, leave the room for 10 minutes, then return with a cheerful attitude as though you had forgotten the incident. If it starts again, repeat the procedure. They'll soon learn that they don't have an audience for their rants. It may sound harsh, but you don't want to feed into their negativity by exhibiting your own. 'Better to remain calm and pleasant, then leave.
Thank you to all that responded!!! It's comforting to know I'm not alone, not that I am happy we're all dealing with this. I live with my father to help him and I just got engaged. I'm 52 and planning on getting married next year. My father asked where I'd be living once I get married and I said I wasn't sure. He said 'Oh, I won't be here anyway'..i.e. he thinks he'll be dead. He's been talking about death since I was a kid. Anyway at this point in my life I am going to think about me and my future with my wonderful positive husband-to-be. I have two older siblings and they can take care of him. I hope this does not sound selfish but this is my time and I cant'/won't worry about if my siblings will take him or all the "what ifs". I have been putting up with being screamed at my whole life by my father and now dealing with his negative angriness doesn't help. He can be cutting and wants to be nasty. My boyfriend was not raised that way and thinks it's terrible how someone can be that way to their own family. I'm normally a worrier and have had anxiety my whole life, but it is liberating to let go and say I'm not going to stress about the future because I'm getting married and although I don't want anything to happen to my father, this is my time. And oh boy he will have throw a fit--that's my anxiety talking...old habits are hard to break but I'm trying to have a new perspective on things. My boyfriend says 'it's all perspective and how you think of things'. Thanks again everyone, I honestly appreciate it.
Thank you to all that responded!!! It's comforting to know I'm not alone, not that I am happy we're all dealing with this. I live with my father to help him and I just got engaged. I'm 52 and planning on getting married next year. My father asked where I'd be living once I get married and I said I wasn't sure. He said 'Oh, I won't be here anyway'..i.e. he thinks he'll be dead. He's been talking about death since I was a kid. Anyway at this point in my life I am going to think about me and my future with my wonderful positive husband-to-be. I have two older siblings and they can take care of him. I hope this does not sound selfish but this is my time and I cant'/won't worry about if my siblings will take him or all the "what ifs". I have been putting up with being screamed at my whole life by my father and now dealing with his negative angriness doesn't help. He can be cutting and wants to be nasty. My boyfriend was not raised that way and thinks it's terrible how someone can be that way to their own family. I'm normally a worrier and have had anxiety my whole life, but it is liberating to let go and say I'm not going to stress about the future because I'm getting married and although I don't want anything to happen to my father, this is my time. And oh boy he will have throw a fit--that's my anxiety talking...old habits are hard to break but I'm trying to have a new perspective on things. My boyfriend says 'it's all perspective and how you think of things'. Thanks again everyone, I honestly appreciate it.
As I've observed with older relatives, when you are old you become just like your usual self EXCEPT MORE SO. If a person has complained when younger, they become even more a complainer. My own Dad was always gregarious, and when he got dementia, he'd stop strangers on the street to tell them his life story! This is because the inhibiting ego control has failed in their brain. The lesson to myself is to, right now, enhance the more pleasant qualities so hopefully they will be enhanced! There's not a lot you can do to get your own Dad to stop being that way. A ILC is the answer to get him from destroying your confidence. But he will complain about that place, for sure, so ready yourself for that.
I was in tears a lot growing up with my Dad. He "was" the King of his Castle. He was a good man just not always easy to live with. Mom waited on him hand and foot. If Mom had passed before him, Dad would have been placed in some kind of Nursing facility. As he aged he became worse partly because of his health problems. He was verbally abusive and was losing his filter. He would say whatever hit his mind at the time. No, I would never have adjusted. I have a hard time dealing with moms Dementia and she is easy. I and my brother feel as long as they are safe, warm, clean and fed we have done our part even if it means placing them in a nursing facility. My parents had their lives without having to care for parents, (Mom did have Dad, God love her) why are we made to feel that we have to take care of everybody.
I was trying to relate, but it got too long and seemed to be too much about me. Thank you for writing, it has really helped me! :)
Now, more importantly, as for you and your wedding and future, I am so happy for you!! You're right!! It is your turn!! Live it up, HoneyLove!! Congratulations!! I am so happy for you!! You deserve to be happy!! I'm so glad you realize it and are going forward!! :) XO!!
If there is no way to remove them from your home, then tell them off and tell them to stop their bad behavior and that you simply will not tolerate it. I assure you, it won't stop them but it will make it easier on you if you unload your feelings. Their behavior will destroy you. And if you are taking care of them, stop everything you are doing and impress on them you will do NOTHING for them until they act in a normal way. I tried this and it worked. Good luck.
My dad is like this too. He's always been kind of abusive, but he just softened it a little because he figured out that in society, to get what you want you have to do that sometimes. Now that he's old, he's lost any will or desire, or capability, to do that.
This is extremely overdramatic, but it's something that worked for me. For a long time, I tried to habituate my dad to understand what was okay and what wasn't, like you would a child. I thought that was the best way to show him I cared, to have him understand me and have him understand I get hurt when he does that to me.
I've come around to the other side of things, which is I have to accept his inability to understand anything (he has dementia). It doesn't mean I have to accept his berating, but I don't have to respond demanding respect from him.
Someone suggested leaving the room, which is one great idea. For myself, I needed a mental marker to remember that I would treat my dad differently and not expect that from him. So I actually held myself a quick 10 minute funeral for my dad, thinking through our good times and thanking him for who he was, even if it largely sucked.
Letting go of that felt like a way for me to remember I can also let go of my need to have him understand me. So now when he berates me, I choose to let it go. I don't respond. I'll ignore it, leave the room, or flat out lie so that I don't give him anything to yell about.
That would have messed with my moral compass years ago. Now, it actually seems like the kinder the thing to do, for everyone. Myself included.
Oh, I feel your pain sweetie! But not from my father. From my older brother on social security. We were taking care of my father till he passed. Now stuck with him for his social security is very low. I will be on SS soon also. Sometimes the negativity zaps the air out of the room! Are there any other family members to get you a break from this? Have you spoken to your father about his abusive ways? I would start there. Times are hard. VERY hard. We have to learn how to live together and throw some respect in that too! You need breaks from him. And definitely, need to learn how to tune him out!
Oh boy I so can sympathize with you my mom has the traits of a narcissist , possessed individual I swear she is Linda Blair from the Exorcist ! There has been times I want to throw holly water on her no really it can be bad have to pray many times for patience and understanding but it's hard when you yourself have issues . I do a lot of crying , praying, and staying away like in the room as much as possible I don't want the Boogeyman syndrome or whatever she goes through rubbing off of me which it does sometimes that's why it's important to pick up a hobby of take that alone time for yourself. I pray that one day a doctor will see through her manipulating ways and yes my mom has always well mostly been mean even as growing up but I still have hope that yes even she too can change will keep everyone in my prayers that have to go through this.
I'd set some boundaries and ask for the respect you are due. If he is unable-don't be around him, whatever that entails. You don't have to be anyone's whipping post.
As I read your title it was all I could do to keep from shouting YES! My Dad was physically/verbally/emotionally abusive towards me ( my sibs. as well but I got/took the brunt of it as the oldest) as a child/teen, and the verbal/emotional never really stopped but is now increasing. He says anything and everything that he can, and if he makes you cry he feels as if he as accomplished some goal. I moved back to help my Mom take care of him. 3 out of the 4 other siblings rarely help out, and when they do it's like pulling teeth. I finally broke down and began seeing a Psychologist. Just having someone else to vent/talk to has been amazing. However, I am so ready to up and leave again. I truly feel for you!
We went to a geriatric psychiatrist who prescribed a balance of medications (took a few months to get it exactly right) but the improvement of quality of life for our parent and for us as caregivers was so vastly improved, I was only disappointed that I hadn't gone a year earlier when her PCP suggested it (our whole family see psychiatrist or psychologist or therapist as a ...bad.... thing... like you are 'crazy', 'barking mad'). Set aside pre-conceived notions about seeing a psychiatrist and pre-conceived notions about using medications for mood improvement/stabilization. One of the medications added later on was an anti-psychotic, but it made a major improvement. We aren't talking about drugging someone into a zombie like state. This was using a balance of 3 medications that improved positive outlook, mood, responses, willingness to cooperate, and the patient's overall day to day happiness, and peace of mind. When my aunt had her leg amputated, they prescribed her Paxil to help her during her recovery, when the family found out what it was - they threw it out - and aunt agreed with them - though she ended up sitting in a chair sad, lonely and often angry for the next year until she passed away. We often wonder if she had remained on the Paxil if her outcome and length and quality of life might have been different.
My father has always been a negative, argumentive person and since he fell 6 months ago and has gone into a nursing home, I've had to spend more time with him. He's developed dementia and sometimes it's impossible to talk to him without him cussing at me because I won't believe his delusions. I have had to come to the realization that nothing I do or say is going to help him. He will always be the miserable person he always has been. He's 91 and is determined to walk on his own and leave the home, but that isn't possible and I think he's finally accepting that to an extent. He tries to manipulate my mom into taking him back home and we have to talk her back to reality sometimes. I've had to make peace with the fact that things won't get better and that I have to give up the guilty feeling of not wanting to deal with him. He's had a long life and is in a great place. As family and caregivers, there's only so much we can give of ourselves; especially to a person who doesn't appreciate it. Take care of yourself
My ex and I stay in touch (it's complicated) and he is always telling me about his mother. As long as I have known the woman she has bean spoiled, controlling and demanding; now she has dementia. Ex is always trying to get her to admit wrongs or "do what she should". He complains about how worn out he is (she is 98 and he is 77) I have tried to tell him to quit fighting. That it only antagonizes her and frustrates him. I know it is hard though. I have gone to visit a couple times and she is pleasant with me (probably because she doesn't remember me) and I just listen to her ramble. Sometimes there is no winning but as others have said you need to take care of yourself.
You do not have to put up with that verbal abuse anymore. I do think old age or cognitive impairment play a role in making bad behaviors worse, but you must set your own boundaries in order to take care of you. It is such hard work--i saw a counselor on and off for years and finally had a few epiphanies. Just leave and come back when you are ready to see if he has changed. It might be 10 minutes or it might be a day or two. If the behavior continues, leave again. If it doesn't change, I agree that you should try and get someone else to care for him if it is possible. Take care--you deserve happiness and peace.
I have been staying with my dad since January, I usually get home to take care of my home about once a week. My dad pulled a fit today in the kitchen "what's this doing here?" (my dog's food); "why is this here?" again, something of mine. I feel like I should just act like the unpaid staff since that's how he treats me. I sleep on a couch, do all of his laundry, housework, meals, etc., I get help for an hour every other day to bathe him. My sister is here pretty much none of the time. I have to have respite care - 3 hours a week, so that I could continue to volunteer. I'm about to break, here and am at a loss to what to do.
I feel your pain. I know you are doing everything you can for your dad. Its so hard when our efforts are not even acknowledge or appreciated. And our siblings are not doing their fair share.
My dad has since passed and I wonder if his negativity and grouchiness was due to his vascular dementia, diabetes or just being tired of being at home all the time. I think losing his independence took a toll on him. I wish in hindsight I had more patience for him but the day to day care was taking a toll.
For me, I wish I had gone to counselling or joined a support group. I sort of wished I talked to a social worker and looked at other options to support my dad. I tried to do it on my own but it was too much. I was getting so frustrated and angry and that did not help my dad at all. I found it so hard to see clearly when I was in the trenches every day being a caregiver. Now that my dad has passed I have nothing but regrets about what I could have done differently.
cdnreader: you did your best with what you knew. Yes there may have been supports available but sometimes we think we don't need them. You are one of many who feel the same way. Try to be gentler on yourself. And share your experience with others who may find themselves where you were.
No, Ginamaria, you're not the only one. Twenty years ago, I had to deal with my father as he deteriorated for 7 years. Today, I'm dealing with my mother (we're currently on her 4th year of deterioration). Sorry, I don't have any answers right now, but I'm reading the Q&A here to try to hold on to my sanity.
I broke down and told my doc anxiety/depression was taking me under while caring for both of my divorced parents who had strokes at the same time and living in the same AL! I was fortunate to meet a woman who was a life coach and needed a "ginea pig" for class credit, and at the same time found agingcare. Only met with life coach 1x a week for 4wks., (to expensive for me but was worth it) but was here at AGINGCARE everyday, quickly became addicted (in a great way) to reading here and learning from others. I have been given a wealth of info here!! Will be forever grateful!! The life coach was great but agingcare takes home the trophy! As far as the meds, still on, but taking less...then "someday" NONE! So, keep on keepin on, reading/searching here to keep your sanity and gain clarity so you don't lose yourself with F.O.G!! (fear, obligation, guilt). You did your best CDNREADER 😉 Keep reading ginamaria, LOTSA experienced wisdom here... I don't think I'll ever quit learning and wanting to be here everyday cuz aging can be dreadful at times with my parents, plus I may be in their shoes someday. I do need to learn a ton more and it's gonna get tougher caring for my parents...getting easier to detach some and let the AL do their job and I do the loving part etc...being more like just a daughter...PLUS, my kids are watching/learning from me how I cope thru this crazy journey. I don't want them to go thru ( the fog)
YES!! To what joanne said too!! Congratulations, I'm happy for you too and it sounds like you'll have a super supportive hubby to help you keep clarity and your sanity!! Kudos to him!
OMG story of my life, however, my MIL has been grouchy and miserable all her life. So this has nothing to do with her being elderly. It's just getting worse BECAUSE she is elderly. Ugh! She complains about everything, demands you take her places, and when she's finally out with you, she complains about it.
I learned something the hard way and I only wish I had learned it long before. When I am faced with people who are nasty, grumpy, selfish, etc., etc., I try to be the "lady" and act accordingly for a long time but then if it keeps up and just doesn't stop, especially if they are family (and I don't give a dam WHY they are the way they are, I dig in my heels and one day I tell them off in no uncertain terms. I tell them exactly what I think of their behavior and rantings and I let them know I will simply no longer tolerate it in any form whatsoever. I let them know if they dare to continue, I will walk out or walk away and leave them be where the pieces fall. One would be surprised how quickly they learn to "behave". They may have to be reminded from time to time but YOU must become the person in charge over them - you will NOT TOLERATE THIS ABUSE ANY LONGER. If they can't or won't stop, and there is no one else to step in to help care for them, then face the fact that if you allow it to continue, they will destroy YOU. If that is what you want, keep putting up with it. If not, stand on your feet and take charge and start figuring how you can place them somewhere - and do it NOW. There simply is NO other alternative, no much how one sugarcoats it. Good luck. My prayers are with you.
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Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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The lesson to myself is to, right now, enhance the more pleasant qualities so hopefully they will be enhanced!
There's not a lot you can do to get your own Dad to stop being that way. A ILC is the answer to get him from destroying your confidence. But he will complain about that place, for sure, so ready yourself for that.
Now, more importantly, as for you and your wedding and future, I am so happy for you!! You're right!! It is your turn!! Live it up, HoneyLove!! Congratulations!! I am so happy for you!! You deserve to be happy!! I'm so glad you realize it and are going forward!! :) XO!!
This is extremely overdramatic, but it's something that worked for me. For a long time, I tried to habituate my dad to understand what was okay and what wasn't, like you would a child. I thought that was the best way to show him I cared, to have him understand me and have him understand I get hurt when he does that to me.
I've come around to the other side of things, which is I have to accept his inability to understand anything (he has dementia). It doesn't mean I have to accept his berating, but I don't have to respond demanding respect from him.
Someone suggested leaving the room, which is one great idea. For myself, I needed a mental marker to remember that I would treat my dad differently and not expect that from him. So I actually held myself a quick 10 minute funeral for my dad, thinking through our good times and thanking him for who he was, even if it largely sucked.
Letting go of that felt like a way for me to remember I can also let go of my need to have him understand me. So now when he berates me, I choose to let it go. I don't respond. I'll ignore it, leave the room, or flat out lie so that I don't give him anything to yell about.
That would have messed with my moral compass years ago. Now, it actually seems like the kinder the thing to do, for everyone. Myself included.
Thank you! Very smart and good ideas!
Set aside pre-conceived notions about seeing a psychiatrist and pre-conceived notions about using medications for mood improvement/stabilization.
One of the medications added later on was an anti-psychotic, but it made a major improvement. We aren't talking about drugging someone into a zombie like state. This was using a balance of 3 medications that improved positive outlook, mood, responses, willingness to cooperate, and the patient's overall day to day happiness, and peace of mind.
When my aunt had her leg amputated, they prescribed her Paxil to help her during her recovery, when the family found out what it was - they threw it out - and aunt agreed with them - though she ended up sitting in a chair sad, lonely and often angry for the next year until she passed away. We often wonder if she had remained on the Paxil if her outcome and length and quality of life might have been different.
I have had to come to the realization that nothing I do or say is going to help him. He will always be the miserable person he always has been. He's 91 and is determined to walk on his own and leave the home, but that isn't possible and I think he's finally accepting that to an extent. He tries to manipulate my mom into taking him back home and we have to talk her back to reality sometimes.
I've had to make peace with the fact that things won't get better and that I have to give up the guilty feeling of not wanting to deal with him. He's had a long life and is in a great place. As family and caregivers, there's only so much we can give of ourselves; especially to a person who doesn't appreciate it. Take care of yourself
I feel your pain. I know you are doing everything you can for your dad. Its so hard when our efforts are not even acknowledge or appreciated. And our siblings are not doing their fair share.
My dad has since passed and I wonder if his negativity and grouchiness was due to his vascular dementia, diabetes or just being tired of being at home all the time. I think losing his independence took a toll on him. I wish in hindsight I had more patience for him but the day to day care was taking a toll.
For me, I wish I had gone to counselling or joined a support group. I sort of wished I talked to a social worker and looked at other options to support my dad. I tried to do it on my own but it was too much. I was getting so frustrated and angry and that did not help my dad at all. I found it so hard to see clearly when I was in the trenches every day being a caregiver. Now that my dad has passed I have nothing but regrets about what I could have done differently.
in another state. That meant I had to move there.
I broke down and told my doc anxiety/depression was taking me under while caring for both of my divorced parents who had strokes at the same time and living in the same AL!
I was fortunate to meet a woman who was a life coach and needed a "ginea pig" for class credit, and at the same time found agingcare. Only met with life coach 1x a week for 4wks., (to expensive for me but was worth it) but was here at AGINGCARE everyday, quickly became addicted (in a great way) to reading here and learning from others.
I have been given a wealth of info here!! Will be forever grateful!!
The life coach was great but agingcare takes home the trophy!
As far as the meds, still on, but taking less...then "someday" NONE!
So, keep on keepin on, reading/searching here to keep your sanity and gain clarity so you don't lose yourself with F.O.G!! (fear, obligation, guilt).
You did your best CDNREADER 😉
Keep reading ginamaria, LOTSA experienced wisdom here... I don't think I'll ever quit learning and wanting to be here everyday cuz aging can be dreadful at times with my parents, plus I may be in their shoes someday. I do need to learn a ton more and it's gonna get tougher caring for my parents...getting easier to detach some and let the AL do their job and I do the loving part etc...being more like just a daughter...PLUS, my kids are watching/learning from me how I cope thru this crazy journey.
I don't want them to go thru ( the fog)
Congratulations, I'm happy for you too and it sounds like you'll have a super supportive hubby to help you keep clarity and your sanity!! Kudos to him!
What is respite care?