I have read on here sibling views on caring for parents but want to put my views as an 80 year old mother.
My daughter suggested I moved closer in order that she could give help as I aged and I did but wish I never had as I was extremely happy where I was.
As a very indepedent person my last thoughts are not to "clown" on my daughter and have managed alone for four years. During the early days of moving here and I was fit we enjoyed each other's company and this continued until about twelve months ago when health wasn't so good. During that time it became obvious that help of any kind was going to be limited so I coped. She has a life I understand that so in no way do I "expect" - just help occasionally.
From the limited amount I've read on AgingCare it seems it's not fashionable any more to consider parents in their later years and sibling lifestyle is all that matters. Yes, of course they have a life to enjoy - or otherwise but a little time for parents is not too much to ask. My daughter offered to help which is why I moved to where I am today - if only I hadn't because I've not seen or heard from her in five months so she has no idea whether I'm dead or alive and coping with that is awful. Never did I interrupt her lifestyle. The novelty of the thought of future help wore off to accommodate the lifestyle she enjoys and what I'm left with is hurt and resentment.
Speaking as an aging parents, I'm in my 80s now, and my husband and I moved to be closer to our daughters when he was diagnosed with Parkinson's. We did this not because we in any way expected help but because we wanted to be closer so we could be part of each other's lives. Our daughters had been urging us to move for several years. My husband was fortunate to have LTC insurance and we had also been frugal savers, so that really helped when it came to being able to afford some in-home help. Now that I'm a widow, I have been very clear with our kids that I never want to move in with them and do not want them to be caregivers in any way. I'm still at the point where we can mutually help each other out, e.g., chauffering or staying with kids, gardening, them helping me with occasional heavy work, etc. If I get to the point where I'm no longer able to drive, I'd consider going into senior housing that has meals, cleaning, and transportation available; to ease the kids' minds, I'm on wait lists for several places. And I've told them I'm more than willing to go into a nursing home or AL if needs be and they shouldn't try to be juggling home care for me.
OP, have you made any friends in your new location? Joined a church or other organizations? Done any volunteer work? I know well how difficult it is to uproot from friends and a community where you've lived for a long time.
I don't expect my daughter to be involved in helping me when I cannot do things for myself. It will be my responsibility to figure out next steps. We do not live in a country that is supportive of people who are caregivers to their parents or other family members. We now live in a individualistic society where the individual good is more important than the collective, and the old ways of doing things (eg, having a stay at home wife to help care for elders who did not linger in their old age for years and years) are not possible to maintain.
Things change and you have to get with the program.
You're in the wrong place if you think none of us here have cared for our parents! Even those parents who were living in AL or nursing homes were cared for by their children, believe it or not, in a multitude of ways you'd be shocked to know.
After limited reading, you should not be saying it's "unfashionable" for children to care for their parents. There are people here who've taken their parents into their homes and sacrificed their marriages in favor of caring for needy parents until death! What's unfashionable is hearing us recommend doing so to burned out women hanging on by a thread and considering ending it all.
There are many ways to provide care, and taking temperatures or wiping behinds is not the only way. I'll leave it at that because if I were to start listing ways I for one helped care for my parents, it would take hours and fill many typewritten pages.
I'm sorry you haven't heard from your daughter in 5 months. Is it possible you said or did something to insult or alienate her? Your words come off as quite caustic in the few posts I've read from you here on the forum. You may want to examine your interactions with your daughter recently to honestly ask if there's something you can apologize for or fix by talking it out. Most times relationships require honesty and concessions on both sides in order to run smoothly. No communication = no relationship.
Maybe you and daughter need to have a talk. She suggested that you move closer so she could be there for you. Now you need her you feel abandoned. Not asking for her to give up her life, just need some help. My Mom had dementia I had her living with me for almost 2 years. I am not a caregiver. I needed respite care for her to attend a wedding in another State that ended up permanent because she adjusted so well. She had more freedom in the AL. People to socialize with and entertainment. As the oldest and the daughter my parents always leaned on me. I really didn't mind, they were easy.
My Mom had 3 living children. Two were boys and those boys hardly did anything for her. Its really not fair when there are other siblings that they don't all pitch in to help care for elderly parents.
Have you actually come right out and honestly discussed what you need with your daughter? In plain speech that will not be misunderstood or misconstrued, say what you expect from her? She may not even know that you need help. So tell her.
I find that it's better to speak plainly. Don't wait for her to call. Don't 'hint' around or expect her to guess what you want. Most importantly, don't try to guilt-trip her to get what you need or want. Just have an honest conversation with her (that you initiate) and tell the truth of it.