My cousin had the most mellow, easy to care for elderly mother (her father passed at a young age many years ago). Her mother rarely complained about anything, and whatever my friend wanted to help her with, such as taking showers, cleaning the house, hiring outside help when needed, etc, her mother would gladly accept the help. And her mother always expressed gratitude for her daughter's help. She also never played mind games with her daughter, was never manipulative or controlling, and never tried to make her feel guilty about doing enough, or about going out to spend a couple of hours with a friend. Her mother was always good-natured, had a positive outlook, and was always smiling and laughing.
Furthermore, my cousin has a sister and a brother who live nearby, and did their part to help with their mother.
Have you ever heard of such an IDEAL care-giving situation?? Of course, I certainly don't begrudge my cousin for having such a wonderful mother! But as I struggle beneath this enormous burden as a caregiver to my difficult parents who are in their 90's, I also struggle with feelings of envy and resentment. I'm ashamed to have such feelings, but it's so hard not to, when my parents are both driving me over the edge of insanity. I love parents, and they have been very good to me through the years, for which I am so grateful, but on the other hand, my mother has a "Jekyll & Hyde" personality, as she has what I believe to be Borderline Personality Disorder, which has caused a tremendous amount of turmoil and anguish for me and the family, and my father is wonderful, but tends to be obsessive-compulsive, which drives me crazy. And I get almost no help from my sister.
From everything I'm reading here in this group and elsewhere online, it seems that the vast majority of elderly parents are very difficult to care for, and getting help from siblings is a very common problem, too. But have you ever come across easy-going elderly people, or are they truly a RARITY? What percentage of elders, would you say, is difficult versus easy to care for?
Why are so many elderly difficult? I'd guess they're angry and resentful because they've lost one thing after another: the ability to make their own decisions (autonomy), which extends to where they live and with whom; deterioration of physical (and often mental) health, and the loss of car keys! It must be hard. I wouldn't like it. I sympathize with their losses but not with taking it out on friends and family trying to help.
For the sake of my children and grandchildren, I hope I remember that in another 10 or 20 years. But from what I've observed, the odds are against it. I've already apologized to my children in advance for likely "difficult" behavior and am making plans in advance to avoid future conflict.
By apologising in advance for future bad behaviour, you're setting your kids up for a hard time.
Make plans to go into assisted living if you think you'll be difficult, but don't put the emphasis on your children to tolerate it.
A bit manipulative....
Stay strong caregivers! Give yourselves the gift of a little self care today!
Sure there are some easy going people. I've been helping older people almost 29 years...I learned long ago to never be judgemental of children because that sweet little lady or couple may be just horrible and manipulative to their child who appears to be unhelpful. If I had to guess maybe it's 65% to 35%. But totally a guess.
Just know you're not alone, set some boundaries and take care...
Both my grandmothers were adorable, loving, sweet and basically the perfect mothers, grandmothers, wives and friends. My grandfather were hard working, good men. No drama.
Knowing that the 'crazy' often skips a generation, then I feel a little relieved that maybe I will be OK. Also, dealing with VERY difficult mothers has taught me the cautionary tales of not planning, of being difficult and hard to deal with.
I KNOW I drive my kids 'nuts' to a degree, and that I can't change--but they are parents now and 'get it'.
Thursday I took my daughter's 3 kids for the day (10-6:30). She texted about 2:00 and said "Do I need to come get the kids? Are you ok?" I told her to have a good day. When the littlest one (age 7) began her nightly meltdown I texted daughter back and said "come NOW". When she showed up about 10 minutes later the kids were NOT happy to go home. The look on their faces of the arrival if a parent when then think they're going to work this day into a sleepover is priceless.
I am blessed to have 14 wonderful grands and pretty good relationships with my kids and Inlaws. It's a rollercoaster with my only DIL, but I am learning, slowly, to just give in to her wishes, always.
And yes, people think my mom is a little angel and they could not be further from the truth. My MIL is a demon straight from Hades and my DH would be the first to agree.
Like a withered apple. Subtle niceties, manners, other traits collapse & pull in leaving a concentrated core.
However it was not always easy growing up with her. She could be so clueless so when I was inclined to be a bit bad I could get away with alot. She slept alot at various stages when I was growing up and I knew that was not normal. She was a terrible housekeeper. I may sound dated with that expression but that was the reality. Couldn't clean,do laundry,cook,organize anything etc. Sometimes one might yearn for some of those qualities. She had me take dance but I wish she had me keep at it. It's my own fault for quitting but I felt I had so little guidance growing up.
I truly will feel awful for her if the AL facility does not ease any restrictions in a month. My grandchildren will be here and she adores them. There have been no cases at all with some testing completed at her facility. Our state also does not have many cases.
Anyway back to the point of your post. Yes there can be elderly people who are not horrors. She is not demanding but I have had a life that has dealt with adversity. She has been a Christian Scientist for all my life and that has been frustrating for me as well as dealing with her. I was an only child. She had a late miscarriage when I was 6 and in letters I found her attitude a bit cavalier yet I would not have wanted another child exposed to what I found difficult.
My father remarried after they divorced. The divorce was basically amicable and I completely understood why it happened. They remained friends. My father passed away 10 years ago at 82 after complications from open heart surgery. He always seemed the healthier and more normal parent. I frequently wish I could talk to him and I do in spirit. Anyway just thought I'd answer your question with an experience that is not mired with negativity. I feel greatly for many here who are overwhelmed with seemingly thankless parents.
He was so much fun, but got in a car accident that resulted in brain injury and a slow (2 years) spiral down to death. The only time he ever was anything other than kind and in good spirits was the last night I saw him. He was hallucinating and was talking like a child of about 3 years old. He didn't like the hospital gown and wanted his own pajamas on. When I went to calm him down, he slapped at me like a little boy. In his right mind, he would have been mortified to have seen himself do that.
Once he passed, my mother was confused as to what to do, since her schedule was tied to his. Shortly after his passing, she got a UTI, and her cognition took a hit. She has had several other falls/injuries that have taken her to severe cognitive deficit. However - she is so different than when we lived at home. The staff adores her. Her go-to phrase, when she doesn't know what else to say is "Bless you." We see her for 5-10 minutes via Video Chat each week. She's happy with that.
How loving. I hope I get like that. I met a lady this week who's go-to phrase seemed to be "Hitler". You're Hitler. You're evil. I hate you. You're all Hitlers.
Blessings to you & your Mother.
my MIL was the sweetest most dignified loving woman I ever knew.
my paternal aunt was an extremely loving person even in old age. I’ve heard (the book, the 36 hr day) this occurs when the difficult one has not came to resolution has not sorted out their life an came to terms prior to extreme old age. I’m so sad to see my mother acting so horribly, I wish it could’ve been different but this is the sad reality and I feel for you.
I've heard of Erik Erikson's Stages of Psychosocial Development too. The last one, no 8 is Ego Integrity vs Despair. Sounds similar idea.
My dad on the other hand was diagnosed with ALZ four years ago and two years ago at age 93 went into a sudden decline which led him to care facilities. The nurses and other professionals were somewhat baffled as they said usually people with ALZ can be ornery, difficult, all that stuff My dad was so easy going, nice and pleasant to be with etc, some of them questioned whether his diagnosis of ALZ was correct.
I am guessing it makes sense as only someone as easy going as my dad could have put up with someone as difficult as my mom.
Over the years, did I often wish my mother was different, you bet! After I married and was out of the home, I could see all of the above and my Dad's doing anything to keep her happy all those years added to the way she acted. My sweet wonderful dear Daddy died suddenly at the age of 66. Mom lived on her own after that. Was a real handful many times. In her 90s I became her caregiver (she had Alzheimers)in her condo and then had to relocate her to the memory care home.
I could write a book about what that was all like and all I learned. So often I got to thinking, that it put us in reverse rolls. But I really do not believe I ever gave her that much trouble. But I am who I am because of the strict upbringing, able to handle challenges, etc. Through it all, I always knew I was loved. And I loved my Mom and Dad. There are many kids that wish their parents where or would be different.
I had a Great Aunt that lived to 103 and she was a sweetheart. Never a problem. Great personality. We always wanted to be with her from the time we were little. She was a very happy, caring person that never said an unkind word about anyone. I think of her so often and hope I can carry on the rest of my life as she did. However she was blessed not to have Alzheimers, but was in a nursing home the last 3 years of her life.
As Alzheimers over takes one's life, there can be so many changes in how they act, which might be a complete turn around from their real self. Or it could be an amplification of it.
God, I hope and pray I will be kind, not a handful to my family as I age. Right now I am caregiver to my husband with Alzheimers.
Your post made me laugh. We are all on this site because we have difficult parents, if they were easy then we wouldn't have anything to whinge about and we wouldn't be here.
As to how many are difficult versus good, well, how many in the general population? Because what I think we are seeing in old age is an extension or a crystallizing of the personality they've already got.
It's taken me a long time to accept that my father will not get better with age. He is a narcissist. He always was. Now it is obvious as his health deteriorates and all his charm has dried up, that he doesn't give a toss about anyone but himself.
I've had a rough couple of months with him, we had a huge fight, he threatened to attack me when I had his drivers license revoked, I had to leave the house (I lived with him and my Mum) during the Covid lockdown and without a job I had to find new lodgings because he refused to let me back in the house.
This is after coming back from another country last year to help with his care as he is poorly, taking him to every doctors appointment, being by his side as his interpreter before surgeries.
He told me I was the worse thing that had ever happened to him and he wished I hadn't been born.
That's his way of saying thank you.
And on the other side of all that drama, I can say, I did the right thing by him, I helped him because he needed it. I might be very reluctant to help him again, but I'll decide at the time.
I had to have his license revoked as he is blind in one eye and has very limited vision in the other, so I was being rational where he couldn't be.
Now that I have had help from lots of people and have found a place to live, I can honestly say I am glad to be away from him. I can breathe easy. I talk and email my Mum every few days, and she is well, she is a lovely person, who does her best to ignore him (she's been doing this for longer that 30 years).
My Dad is a bitter, angry old man. He did that to himself.
What I have learnt from this situation is to change beliefs that do not serve me, to be kind and easy with people, to forgive and forget where I can, and to love people, to share and care for people. Because I figure this is the way to ageing gracefully, with a heart full of love and kindness. I won't turn into a bitter crusty old person.
My Dad has shown me there are all types of hell, and the worst is to have a bitter, angry heart.
My dad, well even though I was his caregiver for a time, I don’t speak to now. Got to see why he and my mom divorced so many years ago. He’s mentally abusive and ungrateful. My stepmom was much the same. I had heard that my grandmothers were a bit difficult in the ending years, but it was very different to their lifelong personalities thanks to dementia. My prim and proper, God-fearing, church-going-3-times-a-week, admonish her grown children for saying “hell”, grandmother suddenly started swearing like a sailor. We giggled because it was so not her. My dad on the other hand, has always been the way he is and does not have cognitive impairment. So he has no excuse.
My mom is 93 with few medical problems and I am 67. After a messy divorce, I've lived with her in her home for more than 10 years and I don't ask or expect much help from my sibs, though i do keep my sister informed. Not so much my step brother. We all live in the same area.
My mom would like to see me get a break though I don't know what i would do with it, and she also would like to be able to pay me. I feel I am living pretty comfortably on my ssa and her paying the Bill's. I do worry that I have not contributed to my own retirement fund but who knew how long this would last.
She is so worried about me tiring of her that she often asks other people to do things for her that are really my responsibility. That, or she sometimes goes without in order to "not bother me" which can be problematic in itself.
My biggest worry for her is that she doesn't move around enough and becomes so weak at times that she's afraid of falling and WON'T get up. I often order physical therapy but it appears that I need to resolve myself to the fact that this is the way she wants it. If she becomes completely bedridden I don't think I can care for her any more but I will deal with that when the time comes.
She can't hear at all without her hearing aide and her memory is steadily going. Recently she's started getting angry about not remembering things that causes a conflict for us but I don't let her become abusive as I will walk away.
I love her very much and I don't know what I'll do when she is gone. It's true I don't have a life of my own but she gives me a purpose. I have grown children as well, so I have a support system of my own.
We do very well together though it's still hard watching her decline, at the same time I'm getting more feeble, as well.
I feel fortunate we've had this time together. My motto is "No regrets!."
Charlotte
them every weekend and my other 2 sons visit weekly as well. It's never enough! Has lists of tasks and chores he wants us to accomplish, and god forbid anyone is late or not abiding to the timeline he commands. He becomes nasty and insulting. It's awful. Honestly I don't like him (love him as my dad). Ungrateful as well, very few thank yous no acknowledgement of anyone's outside obligations outside of him.
That being said, I know two women and one man who are cooperating with their children and seem to be easy to help. The other elderly people in our family could be accurately described as "a handful" and a "cross to bear". Helping them is like pushing a rope.
My guess would be 85% are hard to help.