My mother is 77 and is starting to show her age but has not been diagnosed with any age-related conditions. I live with my parents due to a trauma I experienced at age 32 and they have been very supportive. Standing up to people is very hard for me. I am a beginning caregiver and very lucky that I have wonderful parents. My mother sometimes snaps at me and my father - for various reasons but it makes me see red. Once when she asked who I was talking to, I said something like "I am not sure why you are asking me that?" And she got mad and said that I was being touchy. Any suggestions? Thank you!!!!
If it's confidential or crucial, don't attempt the call when your mother's in the room or likely to come in. She's bound to start talking just as you're trying to hear something vital - that's Sod's Law, not your mother's fault.
I think we teach people how to treat us and what is OK. read the book 'Boundaries' if you struggle in this area. I do. The book has helped me tremendously.
I do give my phone number to Mom's doctors, because I'm now managing all that, but friends and relatives have her number and she and they can call as they wish. One other issue is that when one person hogs the phone, the others get a little touchy, just as with the TV. Yet one more good reason not to share.
In your case, I suspect the issue goes deeper than who's on the phone. It seems like you need to address the matter of your mother's verbal abuse.
If you aren't good at standing up for yourself, you can learn to do so and at the same time respond to your mother without being "touchy" by using assertiveness rather than aggression. Taking a course in your local community might give you a chance to practice with others. Or look for a self-improvement type of book, CD or DVD on the subject.
If you are resolved to find a peaceful, healthy resolution to this problem, you will succeed. Good luck and God bless.
My husband does the same to me but at the same time is annoyed if I continue to talk in his presence. Annoying but really not worth upseting yourself abou. if she is going through private papers or opening mail that is a really serious issue and she would need to be confronted. In that case I would recomend renting a PO box
I agree it is intrusive and we don't like it much. But It seems to be one of the prices we pay for living with and taking care of them. That being said, limits and boundaries, while necessary, are a balancing act at best. Remember, you are no dealing with someone who has all their faculties. I find Do Unto Others to be the best guideline.
I was arranging a vacation, and Dad, with his poor hearing, was afraid I was arranging to move him to a nursing home. I finally wrote down what I was doing and that he would continue to live with me when I got home, and that calmed his worries. That may be why your mom asks questions. Or it could simply be boredom.
As for you feeling better about your self, there is counseling for trauma. You don't need to feel trapped you can choose to make choices about your life.
Fast forward to the last 9 years of her life. The first five of those we're when things were going wrong with her thought processes but none of us recognized it as dementia accept through hindsight. She was crabby, quarrelsome, petty and much more difficult than she had ever been. But the last 4 years, where drug induced dementia was diagnosed, wow (!), paranoia, awareness of not having control, but still with the desire to have it, not possible to be reasoned with, aggravated at life in general, etc., so many things we all know that dementia can turn into.
So, here is a controlling person, still aware that you are taking care of her in her house and the moment you don't like her behavior, try to reason with her, try to set boundaries, you are hostilly reminded "this is MY house, and if you don't like it you can leave". But you know you can't leave, so you tried to bite your tongue, suppress your irritation of being treated like a child, etc. etc. But the tension builds.
Even though there will always be many behavioral similarities, the brain of each dementia patient is affected differently. Couple that with the fact that a dementia patient still has an underlying personality that is not going to go away, sometimes never, not at all, sometimes not until nearer to the end, although sometimes it flips all together to something worse or something nicer.
Dementia is a confusing disease at best. The bottom line is that you never know the path is going to take. caregivers have to be knowledgeable and understanding, patient and adaptable. You just about have to expect anything.
I came to realize that conversation, words or any talking were like jibber jabber to my mom. The television or telephone represented all of those things to her. Hearing television language in a show she wasn't interested in, or couldn't intellectually follow, would set her off. No one else could focus on a show because she would begin talking over it, things like "we never do anything, we just sit here" (which was true because SHE was the limiting factor) or "I never get to do what I want in my OWN home!" (even tho all activities were planned AROUND her needs). On the other hand, if it was an old simpleton John Wayne movie or Bonanza rerun that she wanted to see, she would shush you if you even wanted to ask her what she'd like to eat for lunch.
The telephone was much worse. I couldn't talk in her presence because of the jibber jabber and I couldn't go off in another room because she would seek me out when she'd hear my voice. And then the fit would hit the shan, with challenging and hostilities. People joke about folks who have cats. To non-cat outside observers, they think we "spoil" our cats. But cat people know that slowly, methodically, our cats train us. And so it goes with the dementia patient. If we are trying with all of our powers to care take and just get along, we will end up being trained.
I am reminded of a great book title (you know, one where you don't need to read the book, just frame the title): "DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF (and it's ALL small stuff)". The long-term caregiver will just take a deep breath, be easy with it, and find a way to allow themselves to be "trained".
If I was trying to hide something from them, then I might not want them to know, but since my life is an open book, I simply say...."It's just April." To me there is no big problem and I don't mind responding. Now if your mother ridicules you or has bad things to say when certain people call, I would just say....."It's (whomever she likes)," and then I would walk away to have my conversation if I could.
It really is no ones business who we are speaking to, but honestly it is not worth arguing over either. You are in your 30's and I am in my 60's....it doesn't get any better, we just have to pick our fights and this one just is not a good fight as far as I am concerned!
Best Wishes!
Here is something to keep in mind: as a caregiver,: you need to pick your battles. It is OK if you are not assertive in every possible situation. Determine what is important to you and act accordingly. If Mom tries to control when and whom you talk to on the phone, certainly you need to prevent that. But just being curious? Hmm ... maybe you let that one go.
Good for you for wanting to set and enforce some boundaries! Just don't expect yourself to take on battles that really don't matter to you.