I live about 300 miles away from my mother. She's 82 and has Parkinson's. My brother, who has never worked much, lives with her and has done a much better job than expected with cooking, running errands, and lawn care. He makes sure she takes her medicine and encourages her to eat more.
Unfortunately, he also helps himself to her money via her ATM card. He often helps her pay for things so he knows the PIN number. And then he frequently pockets the card and uses it as he pleases. She either doesn't want to get it back or forgets to get it back. He also treats her car as if it's his and spends more time out of the house than I'd like.
I became aware of the ATM withdrawals only recently, when I began monitoring her account online. (I have POA.)
Talking with my brother has little effect--I've always suspected he's a sociopath (no conscience) but that's not a conversation I've ever had with him. He continues to treat the ATM as if it's his personal account.
If I were to simply have him arrested, then my mom will immediately need to be placed in nursing home--which she's completely opposed to. It's possible she would come live with me and my husband. We have the room and would be happy to have her...but we do both work full time. (She'd spend about as much time alone as she spends alone now except that we'd feel bad about it. My brother is often out and about.)
While she's healthy enough to remain in her home, I'd love for her to be able to stay there.
Are there any options here that I don't know about? Friends have suggested opening a new account, but he'd easily take the card for the new account and continue using her money.
Thanks!
Open a second account for just you and your mom, and control that money. Deposit a set amount in the first account on a regular basis, and let your brother know what you are doing.
You are very lucky to have the brother there to help with your mother. Another solution would be to move your mother to your city rather than 300 miles away.
My son is getting married next month, so mom will stay with us for the occasion. We're hoping that her visit will make her want to stay. That would solve so many problems.
I think the value of setting up payment would be in documenting what he is actually providing...and what he gets in return. Right now he gets quite a bit more than he gives.
Really appreciate the tip about her SS. Right now the check is deposited automatically into her checking. I want to change it to savings.
My brother has definitely demonstrated that he can't survive on his own.
I need to understand more about Medicaid and his withdrawals so that I can explain to him how this will impact her.
It's horrifying what could happen here.
GardenArtist and notgoodenough, Sociopaths and Psychopaths can be extermely charming to get what they want.
Went through the same with my brother, difference he was not the caregiver I was. Before mom passed, he went to see her in the hospital, rehab facility, and promised to get more involved and help her out. He even cried when she was in the hospital.
Sadly it was an act. He started asking for money not long after she was in the rehab, He had no access to her bank card, but instead she would okay him to get a check for $600, just about every 2 weeks. He woud need her okay to endorse them, so he would come by the home, get a check, take it to the rehab and she was nice enough to sign for one. Guess what? as time went on he figured out he could ask for money, she would okay it, and he would not need to go see her, just get an endorsed check. He would always use the same line "the last time" and only after a short talk, would the asking for money be requested,
It stopped when he did not listen to his body, did not want to give up what he wanted to do and died of a heart attack.
So, Audrey84, see if you can get control of your mom's finances. If you can, you'll see how much your mom means to your brother, and be careful since he may "work" on you.
Avoid trying to romanticize what brother is doing right:
"has done a much better job than expected with cooking, running errands, and lawn care. He makes sure she takes her medicine and encourages her to eat more." This will delay your taking action on your mother's behalf, imo. His theft is elder abuse, and he is likely bullying to get his way.
When this happened to my loved one, no one was able to stop the theft even after he (loved one) was moved away from a bad environment. It took a year + for my loved one to be able to use his own money, for his own needs.
It happens, when a bipolar or ADHD adult (son) is supported by parents, lives with them, and the parents age, they can become vulnerable and exploited by the person who could never handle money in the first place, thus the need to be supported by his parents. Not a viable choice as a caregiver to anyone. There could be more happening than is currently understood, including elder abuse, bullying, isolating the senior away from family, etc.
A strong person with POA should be able to act in the best interests of the elder. It was a war. Nothing legal could be done about the criminal living in his parent's house, believe it or not.
Years have gone by. The family's priority is always to see that the vulnerable elder is well taken care of, even from a distance.
(disclaimer: not everyone with ADHD or bipolar is a sociopath, or will run off with parent's money). Looking at the whole picture is helpful. Your brother may need to have some kind of care, supervision or board and care his whole life as a special needs person. If he could barely work all these years, and is dependent on Mom, he should not be put in a caregiving position, at all, and never in charge of any money. imo.
This advice comes from experience, sorry if the view from here is negative.
It's a nice way to get out of the house and to mingle with others. Many, also have field trips and guest speakers to come in and give talks They can also have breakfast, lunch and a snack.
After Covid restriction are lifted, and if Adult Day Care has re-opened.
The OP can check on that.
The consideration that he might be sociopathic and has no conscience makes me wonder about his doing a good job of caring for your mother. I had experience over several years with someone who was clinically diagnosed as sociopathic, and observed that his "interaction" with people was always manipulative, never considerate as your brother seems to be.
So I wonder if you're misjudging him?
I also would ask the same question as Barb Brooklyn. And are you certain that the funds he appears to be taken aren't consideration for his assistance? Have you or your mother made provisions to compensate him? I think's that's mandatory if your mother can afford it. After all, he's providing care, and (I don't mean to be offensive) but apparently you're not.
Before reaching any conclusions, I'd politely discuss the withdrawals and get the real story on what's happening. If your mother told him to take funds for her care, you'd be creating an unpleasant situation by accusing him.
And I think if you're thinking he could be arrested, you need to think about gathering all the documentation you can get, as the police will need to review it before even considering any action.
You wrote that discussing the issue has little effect; from my experience and the standpoint of his being onsite doing the work and you being out of the area and observing, I can easily understand he might resent your reviewing his actions.
Give this some thought and try to find a better way to approach the issue, such as discussing compensation for him. If that doesn't work, you can think about collecting documentation.
I certainly don't condone the financial exploitation of the elderly.
But there is NO WAY I would agree to take care of my mom if, say, one of my sisters had financial control. No way. I am not going to be reduced to begging every time I need money to pay for her medicine or supplies. You're willing to let me clean up her dirty underpants, wipe down the bathroom after she can't make it to the toilet in time, get up and run to her every time she needs anything, from a simple glass of water to being lifted off the floor when she falls, and everything in between that encompasses caregiving, but you don't trust me with her money? I would consider that such an incredible insult. Maybe it's just me, but that is how I feel.
Sorry if I am being unkind to the OP, but I think passing judgement from 300 miles away is unfair to the brother. And if he were truly a "sociopath", why on Earth would you feel comfortable leaving him to care for an elderly woman, money issues notwithstanding?
Thanks for your reply!
Mom is experiencing dementia due to her Parkinson's and it not yet aware of the withdrawals he's making.
Thanks very much for sharing your thoughts.
How you deal with your brother's theft depends on what you want the outcome to be. If he is allowed to siphon off money unabated then one day you'll open your mom's account to see $00.00 in it. Then you will be forced to be her caregiver no matter how ill or demented she becomes since her "gifting" him money may cause her to not qualify for Medicaid, just for starters.
One other thing to consider: he may easily have her create a new durable PoA assigning him instead of you. This happens all too often. Unless your mom has a medical diagnosis of cognitive impairment in her records right now, this is a real possibility. Then he will cut you out and off completely as he drains her accounts and robs her assets and then dumps her on your doorstep when her usefulness is over. I'd gather the evidence of your brother's theft and bring it to an attorney or detective and put a stop to this before it's too late. Changing accounts is not enough and will just tip him off. I'd show up unannounced in person to check out what's actually going on over there. Bring your PoA paperwork with you. FYI if you both work full-time you won't be the best care providers for your mom as she declines. But that's a discussion for another day. Deal with your brother first and firmly, for everyone's sake. Good luck!
I am wondering if she would take her medicine or eat if he were not present. Do you see his value in being there? As her needs grow, will he be expected to provide more care or will she require more supervision?
Is he compensated or given an allowance for errands for this level of care?
Because your brother is family, I doubt he will be arrested if your mother sees him as helpful in any way. I have a credit card which I have authorized my son to use for a limited amount that I feel comfortable with and I can review as needed.
I would refrain from assigning a mental health diagnosis from personal observation and get a formal investigation if there is a financial abuse concern.