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So healthy boundries are something that others will not give you if they have not already. People typically need the support of a counselor to help them develop healthy boundries if they are adults and in a long time relationship that continually violates healthy boundries. If you don't learn this skill then after the parents are gone someone else will impose -- like a boyfriend.
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sosad2 ~ thanks, it's been a long time since I've heard anyone say I have a life too. I hope the relationship will continue, but I think it will fade. Last night my friend asked me to drive up and see him, I had to say no. At 44, it seems as if I need my mommy and daddy's permission. It irritates me to no end. My older brother says to ignore it, but what does he know? He doesn't live with them or worry about them. Anyways, Chris (my boyfriend), asked if I never did anything spontanious? I was a little hurt, as he knows the situation here. Then again, you can't really expect a grown man to always understand that his wants come after the parents needs and demands. I have to ask myself should they? Then, I have to ask myself what about my wants? Seems as if my whole life takes a backseat to everyone else. I guess it worked out in the end. They came home from the store and I ended up taking her to the ER. She had a bladder infection. It was just Monday, that I searched for a psychiatrist for her, before that it was taking her in for an upper and lower GI. It seems like that is all I do, even the nursing staff is getting use to me being around. I sometimes help move her (mom's a big gal), from x-ray tables and cots. Maybe I should have went into nursing instead of teaching.
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I use my treadmill as my excuse to get away....It helps me to release pent-up hostility and bitterness.
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haha -- i start yardwork -- and then my mom says, why don't you ever sit down???? well,,,, you know why, haha
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It is so eerie that we all share so many experiences. My mother's behavior is very similar to what it has been all my life, but now I have to live with it and can't move out -- it is my house. She cannot afford assisted living. So, I have started using the same techniques that I used when dealing with two teen age daughters. I got the techniques from Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster and Klien, and honed them through my two girls (who I swear had demons inhabit their bodies from 15 till 25) and through working as a substitute English teacher. The techniques work well, are non-violent, and are not disrespectful. When it all gets to be too much in spite of this I deprive her of an audience (and work off the steam coming out of my ears) by immediately leaving to walk my dogs. I hope this helps someone.
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Minmenzel -- i understand being bitter, etc., -- i find it hard to do things with friends because I'm resentful that they don't have this, and it seems they can come and go as they please or something. It's like the commonality is gone ---- hope you have a relationship as it doesn't matter if they like him or not -- you have your life ahead of you
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sosad2, I have gotten to the point I tuned her out, I make sure she eats, has her medicine and I watch baseball with her.. I mostly work in my yard and that keeps me sane.. I try to just keep busy when Im home, I feel her quality of life is better than most and she should be grateful
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HAHA kk5565. and I agree with Jecca45 -- the downside to all of this is that it is just sad to see someone get no enjoyment in life whatsoever and it becomes a drudgery. I've exhausted myself over the last few years trying to get mother happy, but i think i will have to let it go. everyday is a struggle for me to enjoy life, and grab whatever joys and triumphs there is. a good cup of coffee thrills me now.
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RebeccaLynn, I understand whole heartedly. My mom has been ill recently, but I have taken measure to see that her medical needs are met. I think she wants the meds to work instantly and that is just not going to happen. She starts her day out complaining about aches and pains, if she pooped or not, how she hates being shut in the house...on and on. Then my father sometimes chimes in with her and then it's like we are off to the races. I live with them now, as they are not able to function that well anymore. God forbid I take sometime out of the week to even go to the store for myself. I hear about how I get out, but they don't. That is far from the truth. They go the back way to the grocery store and sometimes around the lake for a drive. However, they are not happy, b/c things are not like they use to be. I miss work sometimes b/c I have to be with them at the doctors, ER, hospital or various places. I think to myself how much more can they ask of me? When I try to put my foot down on issues, I'm told that I'm mean and "they just don't please me anymore." I'm stressed and my brothers refuse to help. One lives far away, but doesn't even bother to call. The other lives right in town, but only comes down when he needs money. I know he use to help when they were younger, but they demand peoples time often consuming the other individuals day with out a thought to it. I think Marc, just got tired of them. I have detached myself somewhat, escaping into my computer. I still cook and clean for them, take care of medical things, but I hate to say it....sometimes I just can't stand them. I'm trying to date a man right now, but it is difficult as they do not like him. I fear they will ruin the relationship. I'm bitter with just about everyone and everything these days. I never use to be like this, but their nagging has turned me into someone I don't recognize.
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I'm kind of wondering if I wrote this in my sleep and just forgot!
I figure I'm on the Concorde to heaven and have atoned for all of my many sins in life. That's the bright side I keep reminding my self of (with a chuckle). :-)
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Glad to know I am not the only one that feels this way,I have been taking care of my 83 year old mother for 8 years. She has nothing good to say..She never leaves the house unless it is going to the doctor. She snoops through my room and my daughters room , calls me at work about anything and everything. It takes it toll on everyone, My mother has always been negative , just worse the older she gets.. Its sad to watch no enjoyment in life what so ever.
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I think a big part of this reason is that our mothers were not in this boat to take care of their mothers because a) people didn't live that long, b) medicine prolongs life and then the side effects of the medicine, c) our mothers lived in an era where women stayed home and were caregiviers, and typically we are working mothers, d) and i think our mothers were not prepared for this at all. One positive part is that we are aware and can plan for our own old age.
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Wow, this is my mom as well. Complain, complain, complain. When I call her attention to the litany of complaints (since I'm not sure she knows or cares how it affects others), she asks me how I will feel when I am old, and that it helps "relieve" her of stress to say things out loud. I've asked her repeatedly to consider my feelings in this matter, and she accuses me of only thinking of myself. I have been working on my own creative projects and this has helped me greatly in finding comfort in my own self-worth and ability to escape into another world now and then. When I read that some of you are dealing with 97 year olds (my mom is 85), I wonder how much longer I can handle any of this. I know my mom's life is HER life, and she does have some happiness and joy in it (her great-grandchildren, for example) but I think that a life-long pattern of complaining out loud has really snowballed - and makes her more unhappy as well. Having said all this, I don't know if I will fare any better when I grow old. I hate to think of all the aches and pains and truly catastrophic things that can happen and hope that I "save" my complaining for being truly sick - not just bathroom "issues"!
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Sosad2, I too am wondering how long this will on go on. I wish I could find a scientific reason for the prolonged life and the negativity that goes with it. I realize that modern medicine has fixed heart trouble and cancer so people don't die like they used to. But what I don't get is why these elders get so negative. And mean.

It's a tremendous burden to the caregiver. I used to think I was alone, but I come back to this site and find my mother over and over again in the comments of other people.
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Oy! I wonder why this is so common. I am in a similar place with my mother. I hope I will not be this way when I am in my mother's position -- but who knows? I am already apologizing to my daughters in case I become like my mother as I age more. I share the frustration expressed here -- and the depression. I am grateful for this site. Thank you all for sharing your stories.
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Yes, the negativity can be a real strain and drain on the family. My mother lived with my daughter, myself and my husband for awhile, but she was so terribly negative that it was turning my teen daughter also. Then I had two negative people to deal with when I got home from work, both vying for my attention, etc., It was sooo tough and i couldn't see a way out of it. I had to send daughter to therapy and myself to deal with a situation, that landed on our lap totally unexpectedly. We didn't even have time to evaluate the situation and plan or deal with a mentally ill elder. I'm so sorry for all of you and it continues to be tough, as although I found a place for my mom to live, she makes herself ill and still ends up with me. The worst part is that we don't know how long this will go on -- it can be years and year and years.
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Mama has lived with my husband and me for five years now (I'm also an only), and it has helped so much to find this forum for support and to physically attend a local support group when I can make the time. I try to go at least once a month because it helps tremendously. The situation doesn't change, but I feel better equipped with tools from others' ideas, and the realization that many others are in the same or a similar situation. Hearing other caregivers' stories is an encouragement if for no other reason than it helps me know I'm not alone. Hugs to all, and blessings, ~Joan
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I've never actually labeled my mom's attitude as negative, but after reading everyone else’s comments, I realize she is. One day she's constipated, the next she has diarrhea (which my son usually winds up telling me about – ugh!), her back hurts and she needs a new mattress (of course it' s not because she's 84, has arthritis issues, sits crooked on chairs, sprawls out sideways across her bed when she wants to use it as a table even though she has a sofa in her room!). I can't get my mom to use her walker or drink water (it makes her pee too much). She “holds” on to the walls (hard to do!) when she walks, and she only wants to drink coffee all day (uh, diuretic?!?!?). She used to use the main bathroom but with her lack of mobility it's too hard to get in the tub, so now she uses our bathroom (in our bedroom) since it's a walk-in shower. I changed the shower head so she has a separate sprayer. I got her a shower seat since she's so unsteady on her feet, but she does not use it. Then she complains that she can't wash her hair because she's afraid she won’t be able to. That's when I find out she won't even use the shower seat. I ask her why not, but she says there's nothing wrong with it, she just doesn't use it and says she doesn’t know why. I have come to realize that her generation thinks it’s good not to pee, they can’t admit when they have physical limits, can’t admit when they are wrong, can’t write notes to help them remember things, can’t find out who is calling on the phone but can tell them I’m not home, and in my mom’s case – she’s so vain she won’t do the things that would help make life easier at this age. Of course there are good things about her too, it’s just hard to remember those when the others are daily occurrences. It’s been about 12 years since she moved in and it’s harder now than it ever was. I do avoid her as much as possible, otherwise every conversation turns into me telling her what to do or not to do and her getting mad at me and pouting in her room. Sometimes I lie about what we are doing so I don’t have to take her with us (my husband hates the lying) because I’d rather not deal with her getting all sensitive and making me feel guilty for leaving her out. Believe me this does not happen all the time, but if you ask her we never take her anywhere! Now with short term memory loss she never remembers when we do take her. My husband and son resent it when I talk them into taking her with us, but I make them anyway – not good! Same thing, different day. I don't have any answers, but I am relieved to hear that there are others out there with similar problems and thoughts. It helps me feel a little less guilty for not being the 'best friend' kind of daughter you hear about. LOL
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Almost two years ago, my husband and I rented out our home and moved 250 miles to come and take care of his mom (89) in her home. She had been staying with his sister and family after hip surgery, but was so awful (verbally abusive) to the kids that she was tearing their family apart. Our kids are grown and the other siblings are mostly estranged from their mother (Hmmm...), so we got the duty. She starts the day complaining and controlling, and just never stops - unless she is asleep. She's one of those who grew up accustomed to having servants, but the money for that is gone. Now WE are her servants. My husband and I both work full time in addition to our house slave jobs. We are in a small community where the family is deeply entrenched. I can't say anything publicly, because that would damage her "reputation"as "grand dame" of the community. I'm so tired of everybody going on and on that she is some sort of great lady, I could scream! In fairness, she has done good things, and she is still capable of being polite in short stints, but let the door close behind the guest and the negative tirade begins. It NEVER fails!

She has a squeaky claw cane, and when I hear the "thunk-squeak" coming, I start looking for cover. We've concluded that after she passes away, her haunting signature will not be the rattling of chains but the "thunk-squeak" of that cane!
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It's such a tough situation isn't it? Yes; my mom has had the negativity as far back as I can remember. Once I tried playing motivational tapes on a road trip from her home to mine, an 8 hour drive. It drove her crazy! But then again, I tend to do crazy things when I can't break through.

I used to telephone her everyday but found it wasn't good for ME. So now, I call when I know my negativity shield is strongest. It's definitely a situation that needs some coping tools.
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It is comforting to hear how others have coped with this situation. I have found myself using meditation frequently and prayer daily asking for the strength to keep my emotions in check in the face of all the negativity. I have done everything but stand on my head, and everything is received with a rejection and scorn, this, from a previously (sometimes) sweet mother. Its like a knife in the heart. Its especially hurtful because I've heard her make efforts to ally one person in the family against the other by saying distorted things and this is especially hurtful. I know she does it to me if she does it to them. I have tried to keep communication with others in the family open so that she is not successful at convincing others that she is being mistreated. My husband tried to talk with her when she started badmouthing me and point out how angry she has been and that of course backfired as she prefers to believe that she has never been angry with anyone ever, and that everyone is mean to her. I have had to meditate a lot in order to keep my calm, no matter what she is doing. I have however found myself shutting down and not wanting to say much to her because I know how it will be received, but then she's on the phone telling people I won't talk to her. Soon I'll be meditating non-stop.
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My most precious asset is my peace of mind. Everything else springs from my state of mind, so its important to do what you can to keep your mind balanced or re-direct it if your equanimity is ruined. Some of the strategies suggested (inviting mom to move if she is unhappy with you, getting professional help, talking with trusted friends, walking away instead of engaging with the insanity, practicing meditation & other peace-inducing states, exercise, spiritual practices, etc.) are ways of helping you keep a peaceful state of mind and it is worth the trouble to make into habits. As time goes on, we are all going to face more life challenges, if not physical degeneration, and certain death. Make yourself and your peace of mind a priority.
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Rebecca, I know your pain. My 87 year old mother has been living with me for the last 6 years. And it seems no matter what I do for her, it's never enough. In fact, one day she even told me, "You could do more." How's that for gratitude? Everyday when I come home from work I dread the sight of my own front door because I never know what I'll encounter. I spend about an hour with her each night and all she does is bitch about something...ANYTHING. Her sister, the neighbors, her nephew, the grocery store, the gas station, the doctor's office, the pharmacy, her (few) friends. She complains that the guy who cuts the grass didn't do a very good job. Same goes for the guy who plows my driveway, or the town workers who plow the roads. I'm so tired of hearing her bitch all the time. I try to keep my distance from her as best I can while living under one roof but then she complains I don't spend any time with her. Who wants to spend time with a bitch?
Thanks for listening my friends!
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DITTO! LOL For me, it is the tapping of her cane comeing down the hall. As soon as I hear it, I retreat to the bedroom. We have an open floor plan, so mom parks her rear at the kitchen table behind my husband and I and watches TV, interrupts anything and everything we say to each other and even complains if we take phone calls outside because she can't hear what's going on when we do. We have asked her to join us on the couch when watching TV but she refuses stating she likes to sit at the table. I've explained it is very uncomfortable for us having her always behind our backs but it doesn't matter to her. I, too, am disabled and have had to be off of my feet since January so it's hard to get away from her. I think laughter is the only way we're getting through this. Good luck in the future and laugh when you can.
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My mother is very negative too. After reading this I'm beginning to think they are just venting.
I'd be depressed if I turned into a very old person. It would freak me out. I'm sure they feel the same way. It's depressing as heck. Life is hard.
When we have our youth and health that is everything we need. Getting old is saying goodbye. It's hard to say goodbye.
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The 1st comment assumed Rebecca was depressed and suggested getting counseling and medication! Yes, let's get Rebecca addicted to drugs. She should have been talking about the crabby old mother needing this. My mother has always been negative, ranting and raving and thank god she is still well enough to live on her own. I have read several books to keep my sanity on this subject. When and if the day comes she wants to live with me, I will have to insist she go somewhere else. I would not allow her to try to destroy my life any further.
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I am having such a day with my mother that I came online to look for a group. I can't believe that the first thing I find is this. I was beginning to think I am just a terrible person for feeling resentful. My mother is so negative she never says anything postive at all...she has also always been slightly paranoid, thinks people are talking about her. Now she has started having fits about people talking about her. Any time she isn't in a room and someone talks to anyone, has to be about her. She was Ill a year ago and wasn't going to be allowed to go home unless someone lived with her...so I gave away most of my stuff and took up residence in her spare room. Thats my home now, the rest of the house is hers. If one of my children come to see me and says something about moms house she throws fits about not having a home anymore because my kids think its my house. I find myself wishing she would just lose the rest of her mind before I do. She is upset that grandkids don't come to see her, they want to visit with me, but she has never been nice to any of them. My two sisters wouldn't live with her..one will take her to visit for 2-3 weeks once a year. I just feel like no one knows how bad this is....I see you do..some of you...God bless you for being here.
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Well I can understand a lot of what you say. My mom has always been somewhat negative and depressed. She did have a horrible childhood so I can understand it to a certain degree but I do not have an abundance of patience. Sometimes I think that even if you had a horrible childhood and a rough life you just have to suck it up and move on. Anyway, I have found that when mom gets into a mood where nothing is right in her world, I at first try to gloss over it or change the subject but if she persists I usually just tell her I am not here to listen to constant complaints and that if she wants me to visit more she has to make that appealing and bitching isn't appealing! I tell her that yes her life is boring etc etc, but she needs to be grateful for what she has and that includes me.
I tell her I love her, I want the best for her, I want her happy BUT that doesn't mean I want to be driven to suicide by continuous woe is me crap. Since I have a most cheerful but take no prisoners approach she responds better to me than she does with anyone else. The more you try to be gentle with my mom the more she will mow you down. We seem to have found the right mix for the time being and the two of us are butting heads a lot less.
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REB:

Don't hide anymore; "care"-front her instead. My mom used to do the same. Then I realized she resorted to overdramatizing everything to get the attention of people that didn't want to give her the time of day because of her toxicity. She was the forever-suffering saint & martyr, until I lost control and told her to get off the Cross. ... Someone else needs the wood.

To her, every man as a good-for-nothing, two-timing pimp; and every woman was a b__, skank, wh__ish Welfare Queen pretending to be a Superwoman who didn't need a man to survive. I once suggested that the more we talk about others the more we say about ourselves, and she threatened to slap me. I told her I'd lock her up in a South Bronx nursing home and throw away the key if she even contemplated the idea.

Reb, stop running and face the Bogeyman. Try not to be angry when you do it. You'll probably scare her enough to bolt the bedroom door.
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I have a similar situation. My Mother has been different at different phases ofher life. She has always been depressive and somewhat negative, but she also has been kind at times. Now she is struggling with issues of dependency, she wants us to take care of her and then resents it when we try. She complains about everything, is pleased by nothing, will accept almost no offers of help, and likes to complain about everyone to everyone else. She seems to be trying to ally members of the family against each other. The only person she approves of is a granddaughter she raised who is "needy" and to whom she writes large checks. She is preoccupied with her health and notices the slightest twinge. She was sleeping excessively until we intervened and brought her to live with us. Now she is awake but miserable and wants to go back home where she is isolated and has no support. She is still relatively cognitively intact and so we can not intervene as best I understand. I don't know what the future holds for her if she returns to live alone, yet she seems impossible to live with and will not consider assisted living. Any solutions?
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