I used to be positive and outgoing. But now 3 years into it I am becoming bitter, angry and short fused. I say every day I will make a change but it seems to be worse. I don't mean to but it is over whelming. I try to remain cool headed, I don't get out of control, it is just the snide remarks I tend to mutter, my going off and cooling down out of the area and just my own blood pressure rising. I generally don't say anything if it is not what I agree with, much better than saying something. Does anyone else experience this? I do realize I don't have a lot of years left with my parent and I try all the time but it is the little things that bug the crap out of me. Mostly it is having a house full and no time alone with me and my wife. I have to now schedule weekends away from the place we have built for us. Dinners out are getting expensive. We had 2 hours to ourselves and I made a very nice meal like we used to do and it was heaven.... for 2 hours..... I work at home so there is not a lot of time away from all of it. Trying not to be angry but this whole situation of me being the care giver has turned me that way. I am trying to see his side of it but it goes right into the way he thinks it should be and not the way i want it to be. Feeling like a child at times.
What do you say when he asks? "Sorry dad, I guess you'll have to wait until your next cheque comes in". If he hits up someone else for extra money it is not your problem, they need to set their own boundaries.
There are ways of dealing with this.
As far as dad and spending. I try to remind him. He just gets in a cycle where he spends. He never did the accounting or balance the checkbook etc. He just sees how much he has left at the end of the month. If he had a credit card it would be maxed. He said this month he had to buy meds (which he did buy when he was at the hospital). As far as transfer to someone else that will not happen. Sister and brother will not help so I cant even ask. I cant dump my dad on the street so to speak. It would like be abandoning a baby. It is just tiring having to give him money then he pays it back (sometimes). As far as paying the charges who else would pay it, then he would be out that money and I would have to cover it, either way I am on the fence, d*mmed if I do , D*mmed if I dont. I did try that one month and he was out finance charges and never said anything so he doesn't care. He'd be over drawn and I would have to cover it all. his income barely covers his med insurance, car insurance, life Insurance and gas. Other than that a bit of entertainment. I told him when he moved in how much he has perdiem, after his bills,he can "spend it or save it". I guess he heard "spend".
Diligently working with daughter to move out, had conversation last night. Still not sure how soon but we are in talking stages. It is a fine line between having a pleasant place to live and drama in my own house. Again, d*mmed if I do, d*mmed if I don't. If I had a SIL with any balls and gumption we wouldn't be having this conversation.
Trying to spend more time concentrating on work so as to not concentrate of the drama.
My Wife just booked a week at a friends lake house for us, not having anyone there, just us, (a few friends but no family) yea!
NYDIL is saying that communicating with a person with cognitive decline (what may be the beginnings of dementia) is not like communicating with an ordinary person of Average or better intelligence.
Just wanted to clear what is actually being said here. And if you just want to vent about how awful it all is, that's fine.
I know I sound harsh, and I know you use this thread for venting only. It's just that there are so many of us who wish for a much better life for you and your wife.
I'd kick out your daughter and SIL, and make your father someone else's responsibility. You say you "can't" because of some long-ago promise to your mother. My feeling is that all the children should participate in the parent's care. Say "tag you're IT!" to one of your siblings.
So tell us...why couldn't your SIL drive your father to the hospital?
Stop expecting to have a logical or rational conversation with a person in cognitive decline.
Learn to assert yourself to your father. Learn to control the conversation. Start viewing Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. The skills you will learn will come in handy.
Go in with him to doctor appointments so that you, as POA, have the information you need to make decisions for your household of which your father is a part. If he refuses, stop driving him to the appointments. Your time is valuable and you are not a taxi service.
Too many issues going on but he doesn't tell the whole story so in his mind he is not lying. He loves keeping things from me now because I don't tell him every aspect of my life because he tells the whole family or anyone else what is going and what ever he says is not correct.
It is getting harder and harder because he and I are in the same house 24/7 so there is really nothing to talk about. We dont do sports, cant talk politics, anything I bring up he is an expert on.
If I say something he knows better. So I don't talk. It's not like we ever talked much anyway.
Trying to keep it all together. He is at work for the weekend so tomorrow I get daughter time to talk about things.
Dad has been pretty easy this week with things to do. Trying to keep that part in check.
You told us a while back that if you caught SIL drinking, that he would be kicked out.
So now that's happened, and...?
SIL was trimming my lawn yesterday with my gas trimmer. Didn't even know he was doing it. Figured it out, when he is drinking he does things like that. Watched him from afar, every now and then he would go to his truck, walk around the back, finally saw him taking a few swigs from a flask...... Yup, all the signs of a drunk. Last week I asked him to sharpen the blades on my mower, (mistake #1), took him hours and he put them on upside down..... This is a machinist.... you cant do things right when you are hammered. He comes in the house with his hat down and sunglasses on, yup, that is the sign when he has been drinking. I want them to get a place but I don't see her staying with him long term. He is wasting my daughters time. I am so stressed out right now. Trying to take care of me and my wife and ignore all of this but it's right here.
Everyone is out of the house this AM so getting some work done, dealing with the barking dogs.....
Re-did my office for me to save some money rather than pay rent. For now it is getting better. Once I Get doors on it may help.
Doing some research to help me deal with all this. The best thing will to have my daughter in her own place soon.........
Kids are trying to move forward with a house but SIL has issues with finance. So I made a phone call to the bank CEO who is a close personal friend. Can be taken care of in one business day that has been taking the SIL 2 years to do. Sometimes it takes knowing what to say to get things done......
Exhausted trying to manage people. As I said to my friend, I just want my kids to get their own place.... He understands too.
TG, I think I get what you are saying, and I applaud you for focusing on your wife right now, and for moving forward with an evaluation for dad.
But in this most recent post, there is SUCH a contradiction! "doing" for dad is not the same as "knowing and understanding what is going on with dad medically". You understand dad's surgery from what HE said it was. What did the doctor say it was?
At least in my mind, those are two very different things. How do you see it?
Had a busy weekend with the girls and a cookout so I haven't had time to dwell on him. Had my girls help with the yard and they put some hard work in and we all had fun together. It was nice to get back to old times just the 4 of us. Hard work makes for better relations in my book. My daughter is starting to see that having a house is hard work. Pushing them to get their own place. She made progress with a realtor, keeping that ball moving.
As far as dad we have the same doctor so when I see him I am going to talk to him about getting him tested/evaluated just to be on the safe side. This way I can be sure and lot have to have any surprises.
Personally I have been doing better, focusing on my wife and I right now.
I am sorry there is strained communication with your sister. Please try to cut her some slack too. There could be more going on her life that even what you hear about.
I found that I had to start going with my mother to every single Dr. appointment in order to get the truth. I kept a notebook for remembering to as questions as well as to write down everything the Dr. said. This became crucial when discussing matters with the rest of my family! Then at home, I created a document that I now carry with me at all times: Mom's information like S. S. #, Birthdate, family health history, contacts list with phone #'s (mark who is primary contact), list of Doctors & clinics with phone #'s, current medication list, & updates on recent visits - what we were told & any blood test results phoned back to us.
If you are not Medical POA for your Dad, you need to make that happen NOW. It doesn't matter if you see cognitive decline YET, or not! Get that done.
Hope the suggestions help. Good luck.
But, TG, it's your dad and I'm sure you know know better.
I'm wondering if some alert hospital employee calls APS because you yelled at your obviously demented father.
I think I would get that cognitive evaluation to cover yourself. So that you can PROVE that your dad is "just" lazy
Took dad in yesterday. He didn't want me to stay but if he coded on the gurney and I was not there like mom I would not want to take the heat for it. So I stayed, took all day... While getting him prepped, the doc came in. Weird conversation about the hernia (I have had 2 hernia surgeries so I know what to expect). Then the OR nurse comes in and talks about something else. Turns out it was something to repair a urination issue not a hernia. In some cases could be considered embarrassing. It is a medically necessary surgery. So I called him out on it very sternly, Yes I yelled at him in the room. "You need to tell me what is going on, I do have to know because I am ultimately responsible for you, no more BS from you, you either tell me or we need to make changes, I am not 10 years old anymore, you live with me. Between you and mom you never told me whats going on, well that is going to change right now"........... I am sure it is not the first time the staff have seen this but Hey, I am the guy who has to clean up the mess. Just like the last surgery, I play nursemaid.
So we will see how this one goes. He didn't tell my sister he was going in. She thought it being planned for late summer. Of course I called her to tell her it was just a hernia as he said but of course she takes his side and then goes on her own rampage of her life...... I am sure she knows what it is and thinks I am stupid. Blew a whole day out of the office yesterday.
Man I just want a level playing field.............
just tired of all the games...............
So, TG, I really hope that things go well with Dad's surgery. But in reference to the above quote from your last post, this is how dad has always been, we get that. It doesn't mean that it's "normal".
Most folks are NOT inconsiderate, lazy and/or narcissistic. Or immature. Or cognitively impaired.
Apparently your mom just "did" for dad, sounds like occasionally she exploded (the way you do, and the way your wife does) and then died before dad, possibly from a stress-related disorder?
Who is going to take care of dad if you die? I've often found that it's a useful question to ask myself, especially when a "Mom Emergency" would get in the way of a mammogram, cardiac or gyn appointment.
Three weeks. And dad didn't discuss his increased care needs with you?
I have to say, this really sounds like decreased cognitive functioning, lack of executive functioning, narcissism, unrealistic expectations or something like that, to me.
You are keeping an eye on his ability to find ice cream in the freezer. But you aren't keeping an eye on his ability to plan ahead, see consequences. See, that's what dementia is about for the most part, decrease in those skills.
I'm sure you are quite tired of all of us saying the same thing, TG. But your dad needs a complete cognitive workup. Now. So that you and Mrs. TG can have a plan.