Dad, 91, lives at home and has had care helpers for 6 years.We employed full time help 2 years ago to take any burden off his wife. Dad has LTHC and we supplement the remainder. With his ALZ/dementia he is incredibly unique. Still does his own hygiene, plays cards, goes shopping etc. His spouse of 32 years moved out 8 weeks ago into her place in an adult community( 6 miles away) as she wanted to live her life to the fullest. She is 90. She was reported to PS 8 months ago for elder abuse and constantly made life difficult for all the caregivers and picked on Dad frequently .We had to employ a geriatric care manager for a year just to keep the peace between the caregivers , her family and our family.For a few years she had wanted to move Dad into a facility and we refused. Their are 6 kids in our family and we all take turns visiting , staying and helping. She also spent very little time with him while she was in the house. We are relieved she is no longer around . Forget the "for better or worse" as it does not exist here. Things have resumed to a nice steady schedule and Dad is very relaxed and almost better. But... she dictates to us that she can come and go as she pleases. She was added to the title of the house when Dad remarried (after Mom's death) and yes they are still married.She left tons of her items and stuff all over the house. Two bedrooms she occupied are left in shambles and Dad is always looking in them and wondering what is going on with all the mess. When she pops in and appears she causes agitation and confusion.Dad can't figure out where she is going and why she is leaving all the time. She is the one who went and told Dad she was moving out to live her life, yet we do not discuss it with him using those terms. His doctors currently are in agreement that we just keep saying she is away visiting family. Yesterday she arrived to move a few more bags of stuff and then told him she was leaving for Florida for three weeks. He became upset again and has stated she might as well just not come back. This leaves the caregivers with trying to distract. re-direct and cheer Dad up. What can we do ? He lives in Pennsylvania. Does Dad have any rights or must this be the way he exists ? We do not have a good working relationship with her family. Thank you.
He could buy her out of her half of the house. You could inform her that you are moving her "stuff" to storage and that, under doctor's orders, you would appreciate it if she would sort her "stuff" there and not at the house.
It sounds as though she has some cognitive issues herself.
I really thought about this. If the wife/stepmom comes by the house every week or two, this shouldn't be such a catastrophic disruption. We can't absolutely control the environments of people unless we lock them in a deserted place. I know around here we have events happen and the occasional visit. My mother does become more agitated during these times and the stress level is higher. It is all just part of life caring for a person with dementia. The paid caregivers should realize that. The OP lives in another state and visits sometimes, so most of her info probably comes from the caregivers.
I did agree with one point that this is all pretty recent history in a long second marriage, so I imagine everybody's feeling kind of up in the air, aren't they? Any chance of a family summit to discuss ways forward?