Both parents in Care Home. Mum - Alzheimer’s late stages. Dad - Vascular Dementia. 88yrs and 86yrs respectively. I am the only person to care for them as my sister passed away 23yrs ago. I am 63.
For the past few years I have bent over backwards trying to “sort” things for them and it has taken its toll on me.
Nothing pleases them about where they stay. They weren’t happy where they lived because they weren’t managing and slowly losing their independence. They weren’t happy with the sheltered housing I moved them to (a beautiful place). They wanted to move to the lovely CH after seeing it and discussing what it meant. Then they weren’t pleased after they had moved in. It’s one of the best. They continually tell me they want to go back to where they stayed originally which is 130 miles away from me!
When I visit (3 times a week) my mum doesn’t seem to know who I am though she knows my name and she can hurt me physically (eg twist my hand back on itself or nip my hand. She once clouted me across the neck). I try to do everything I can for them but it’s wearing me down. On top of that I have the staff telling me what a caring person she is always wanting to see that everyone is ok. She asks for hugs from the staff. Never keen to give me one. 😫
Good luck - take care of yourself - and utilize all support and avenues that can help you stay sane. It is not an easy roll.
After a great deal of thought and pondering over all of these kind suggestions from people on this forum, I have come to realise that, no I don’t particularly want to add to my stress by taking a job. I suppose I just thought that it would be a good excuse for cutting down visits to once or twice a week. Thank you for your help.
Today is a day I go to visit my Mom. I feel ill and am dreading it. Am an only child and sole caregiver (except for my husband and daughter who valiantly tried to help for the year that Mom lived with us.)
Mom has been demanding, controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive throughout my life. She is difficult at the care home and it’s been a wild ride helping her and the caregiver adjust to anything that approaches tolerable.
I am learning that Mom’s “happiness” is never something I can control (even to protect myself from her abuse), and it is not humane to expect me to be responsible for it (or to be punished for the lack of it).
The anger, accusations and disappointment she directs at me are beyond hurtful. They are debilitating.
So, I’ve reset my priorities. It is more important that Mom be -
- Safe
- Healthy
- Well fed
- Clean
- Comfortable
- Have opportunities to socialize
- Retain as much of her personal dignity as possible
- Have contact with family as much as is possible without burdening or harming family
It is my responsibility to make sure that she has these things. and it is my choice to show her love in whatever ways I can.
But, anything that harms me physically or emotionally is no longer required - off-limits.
Watching Mom be abusive to my dear, kind daughter helped me to realize the her behavior was not to be tolerated. And, while I could not defend myself as a child, I certainly owe it to myself to do so as an adult.
I’m not really giving advice - I guess I’m just reminding myself of the things that will make today’s visit a little more bearable.
Best to all all of you. And, yes, let’s all remember to take care of ourselves.
If you Mom has been diagnosed with dementia, your POA or Health Care Proxy is worth gold. You will need a Dr.s note. I would get her diagnosed, formally and proceed to find a place so she can be nice to the help and you can be a daughter and not a punching bag!!
I know you love her, I don't mean to be cruel. I just know that if you don't take care of YOU....no one else will. And you will not be an advocate for your MOM, either.
God Bless you on this journey!!