Hi, I live in another state and my older brother (64) lives with my Mom who is 89. He yells at her, belittles her, won't drive her to where she needs to go, etc.
My Mom won't do anything and I am scared to report my brother as I don't want to add more stress to my Mother as she is constantly stressed because of my brother. I suggested that my Mom sell her house but she is not ready to do that. Then it has been talked about me moving in with her and when my brother heard that he had a fit and screamed at my mother. I don't know what do to. Thanks, Jenna
Chem, thanks for sharing your story about your partner's situation. I don't feel so alone anymore.
Reno, I know my brother will try to get money from my Mom once he is out and my Mom is living with me. I will have POA of my Mom's finances so when my brother tries to get money he will have to deal with me and he won't get any. He could have saved over $100,000 by living rent-free with my Mom and he gambled it away. My Mom is not blind to my brother.
If my brother tries to contact my Mom he will have to call my number and deal with me.
Jenna
She reported the brother to the police, who were not helpful. She had to evict brother from the house (as money from the house was needed to take care of mother). Brother kicked in all the house's windows and it became infested with mice.
Fast forward; brother kept trying to make trouble. My partner took care of her mother until she died several years ago. No longer speaks to the brother who despite a couple of lawsuits didn't get a penny.
I'm the one who wants certain pieces of my Mom's furniture such as her baby grand piano which I used to play (it's sentimental to me) and some other pieces that we can use when I find a house for both of us to live in.
My Mom's dog may get along great with my cats. I'm not worried about the dog because he is very lovable, it's my cats that may get scared at first but will probably adjust.
I agree that I should get my Mom out first before sending the eviction letter to my brother.
Thanks, Jenna
There comes a time when we know better than our parents and can no longer safely cater to their demands and whims. That time may have come.
My Mom won't agree to boarding her dog so I have been looking for a place for my Mom near me that will take a dog. My Mom has furniture that she wants so either I will put my Mom's stuff in storage or if the place I find for her can fit it, move it there. I really want to get my Mom out of there ASAP so my brother can't hurt her. He has not physically attacked her but has physically attacked me in the past.
My brother is also demanding a large sum of money from my Mom and the attorney said my brother should get nothing since he has lived with my Mom for over 10 years now and never paid rent or any of the bills. I think my brother should get enough money so he can get started in the state he wants to live in the southern U.S. He will need money for rent, security, etc., buy a used car and so on..
I'm just scared how my brother is going to react once he receives the eviction letter. Maybe I should stay in my Mom's house when he gets it. Better he yells at me then my 90 year old Mom... I just don't know. I wish this was not so complicated and that my Mom was already with me.
All the folks who are living there, including your brother and the tenants, need to be notified that they need to move. Since you don't have POA yet, your mom would have to do this.
How about doing things in this order:
Go to attorney, have poa executed. Pack up mom's things. Board her animal. Send notices to tenants and to your brother. Research places for mom to live near you. When the house sells, you move her there.
If you think mom is in physical danger, you should get an order of protection against him, along with an eviction.
The realtor also gave me a name of an elder care attorney who I spoke with. He told me he can draft the paperwork so I can get POA of my Mom's finances and health. After I explained the situation to this attorney he told me to evict my brother and mail him an eviction letter giving him 30 days notice.
This scares me as once my brother receives this eviction letter he will attack my Mom.
I don't know what to do. I want to drive to my Mom's house and get her out of there. Not so simple. She has a dog and I have cats. She still has tenants living in her downstairs apartment and they need to be given notice to vacate as well.
The most important thing is to get my brother out of there. He truly is a monster. The realtor said it would be better to sell my Mom's house if the house was empty.
I don't know which steps to take next except I will be going to visit my Mom soon and take her to this attorney so we can sign the POA papers.
Any thoughts would be appreciated,
Jenna
From his point of view, I don't know. I think he enjoys not having to pay rent or any bills. He has the run of the house and avoids my Mom and she avoids him. The only time my Mom had words with him was when I was there on the last visit (I think because she felt safe since I was there).. My Mom does not drive him up a wall, he does that all by himself by not having any kind of life. If my Mom asks him to clean up the messy pots and pans he made in the kitchen he gets angry. He loves to cook but won't clean up so the mess just stays there (if my Mom feels well enough she cleans it up). Or on rare occasions after several hours or the next day my brother will clean it up.
My Mom still does his laundry.
His own kids don't talk to him and that speaks volumes to me. When my brother and I were friendly he did complain about his adult children not wanting to have anything to do with him, again I stay quiet. When my brother was married he cheated on his wife several times, moved out to live with another woman when the kids were young, would smoke inside the house when his kids suffered with asthma, and who knows what else went on? My brother didn't want the divorce but his ex-wife had enough of him.
If he wanted a better life he could buy a plane ticket to another state where he wants to live. But then he would have to start paying rent. He has sponged off my parents all of his life (but I don't blame him, I blame for parents for being enablers).
After my last visit there is no way of my brother and I talking calmly. He has always made it clear how much he dislikes me and wants nothing to do with me. I tried e-mailing him but he attacks me.
I still think the best situation is for my Mom to sell her house (she is supposed to sign the papers today with the real estate agent) and move near me where I can take care of her.
Jenna
With what you were saying about your mother's not being candid with the social worker, or making any real progress with changing her own situation, I've been trying to picture the scene from his point of view. And it occurs to me that if your mother can put you through all this from a distance, what on earth are things like for him?
The first thing to say is that it is NOT okay for him to get angry with her, or to yell or threaten or anything else. But she must drive him up the wall, don't you think? All I mean is, he's in a bad situation too, which is all the more reason to do everything you can to encourage change through selling the house, moving your mother to wherever she can be best cared for and supported, and setting him free.
Would there be any way of talking to him calmly about how you can all three of you start making positive changes?
My Mom doesn't talk about my brother to me unless he said something really horrible to her that scared her like him threatening to put her away. Otherwise she leaves him out of our conversations.
I agree that when the social worker came to see her she could have told her about my brother but she didn't. I did tell her if my brother threatens her again she should call the police and I left it at that.
What breaks my heart (and I know my heart is too big) is that these are the last years of my Mom's life and I wish they were peaceful ones.
During my younger years I did distance myself from my Mom and family (with the exception of my Dad as we were very close). I always knew my family was dysfunctional and I didn't want to be a part of it and all the drama.
I had a choice to either hold grudges against my Mom (and rightfully so) or forgive her for all the mistakes she made during my upbringing and I forgave her because that gave me inner peace. Sorry for rambling...
I lost many people in my life, my Dad, my first husband, my baby brother to cancer, and there is hardly anyone left.
Again, most of my life I have distanced myself but if my Mom is serious about selling her home so she could live near me that I will welcome her with open arms because I do love her.
Jenna
You have the answers, however, maybe you are not the one who can do this rescue or make the changes. Don't feel bad if you need to send someone else.
Personally, I don't want to abandon you, but feel I am being pulled into a situation out of compassion for your dilemma and concern for everyone's safety, including your brother. Perhaps others can help you to take some appropriate action for Mom. Please keep checking in, as I will, but may not have any better advice. It must really be hard on you to be going this alone. Take care of yourself. I care.
My Mom is 90 now and she has reverted back to a child and I'm like her mother instead of her daughter (I think that's normal for that age?)...
I don't know of any local senior centers where my Mom lives. I was thinking already of calling the authorities before I go. If need be I will stay in a hotel. My Mom had a talk with my brother telling him I was coming soon and even though he was not happy about it he said as long as we avoid each other it's okay with him. I still don't trust him... Right now I am very upset by all of this so I need to think this through.
Jenna
So sorry, she is or will be 90? That is no way to live to protect your brother's lifestyle. Choose.
I have seen this before. The mother cries for help, when help is available, she lies, out of fear. Or is it out of protecting a destructive lifestyle?
She lies for your brother, he provides something she never tells you about?
It has just really gone on too long. Tell her to call the police or APS before you will come. When she does, then you will be there?
I was anonymous with the social worker so I don't have her name but I will be making a trip soon to see my Mom (she is crying out for my help) I will get the social worker's name and number (my Mom has her card).
Even though my Mom has a large house she confines herself to her bedroom to avoid seeing or having any words with my brother. I guess she is a hostage in her own home because of him. The only other rooms she uses is her kitchen (brings the food or tea back to her bedroom) and the bathroom. Very, very sad.
My Mom is the type is needs to be alone (she is not social and never has been).
My brother wants the money from the sale of the house to move to another state where he has one friend (on and off again friend). He gets a decent amount of SS every month but he has not saved anything, he gambles it away on the computer. He has never paid rent (I guess that's my Mom's fault for not insisting on that) and doesn't contribute anything. My Mom would not have to drive alone to a market if my brother would have taken her but he just doesn't care.
I wish I could get my brother to get a psychological evaluation but I guess that's not within my legal powers, I just don't know what I can legally do for both of them and not do. This is so frustrating.
Jenna
I think there is actually an agency now through social services that is a department specifically for elderly abuse...
You might be able to also ask for "wellness-drop in" visits too..
I also liked that idea of you having your mom come out for a little vacation &. Getting her comfortable visiting you too!
Gradually move into the ideas of her "using her large home" foe what she really highly needs now and in not so far off in the future too.
Report to the doctor that your mother is being "Gaslighted" by your brother, and this undermines her confidence and sanity. This documented can help you protect Mom later. You go with her. This should happen before the sale of her home.
Now, watch the movie ' Gaslight ', a classic from which the psychological term originated, so you can understand how this happens to a vulnerable person.
Tell them they are crazy often enough, they may start to doubt their own sanity.
Then, the financial motivation is achieved before you know it, house sold, brother benefits.
Sorry this is happening, making her dementia worse by undermining her.
You help her.
It breaks my heart. If anyone belongs in a home or mental hospital it's my brother, not my Mom. He has different personalities and he is very scary. I feel so bad for my Mom. She already suffers from high blood pressure and I know the stress of my brother abusing her does not help.
She is going to sign the papers to sell her home and I have told her all the positive things we can do together. I talk calmly with her and calm her down letting her know that soon I will take care of her and that we can have fun too.
Thanks again, Jenna
But, more happily, your brother will have an even harder time 'putting her away' unless he can demonstrate that she has lost her mind, or lost capacity to use the technical term.
However. If your brother is constantly threatening to do this, that is emotional abuse of a kind that your mother might share more easily with a visiting social worker. At the very least, a social worker will be able to explain her rights to her in a clear way so that whatever your brother says your mother will know that, no, he does not have any kind of power to 'put her in a home.'
Whichever way you slice it, though, for an elderly lady to have to cope with the turbulent emotions involved in this kind of conflict is rough on her. She doesn't want her son accused of bad behaviour. She doesn't, either, want that behaviour to continue. What's the poor lady to do?
Selling up and moving on is very much her best bet. Get behind that plan and push for all you're worth, in as positive and optimistic a way as possible, I should.