I moved in with my mom who is 83 and on dialysis. She suffered a stroke in April and was in rehab after her carotid surgery. My sister lives in Arizona and doesn't work. We lost my dad in 12/23 to Lewey Body dementia which was horrible. For the last year of his life he was in a lock down nursing home. My mom and I couldn't see him because we were his triggers for some reason. We had been getting hit and punched and the neighbors were being threatened by him. I ended up doing 302 twice on him. While he was in the nursing home my mom was put on dialysis. She recently had a stroke in April and her carotid surgery. She then went to rehab for 6 weeks. My sister came for my dads funeral for a few days and left. She has not been back since my dad passed in 2023. We did see her a year ago because her husband passed away. I am only 54 and my sister is 52. I have helped care for both of my parents and she has done nothing. Now mom is with her for about a month now and my sister said I made her look like an invalid! She is better than I was saying. Mom was discharged from speech, OT and PT because of non compliance. I have to take her to dialysis and the bus for the elderly brings her home because she was always canceling and would end up in the hospital. I have lost part time jobs and recently lost my job because I missed so much work with mom.Now there are problems at the house and my sister doesn't want mom to get them fixed. These are pretty big problems. I am just s aggravated that all of a sudden she wants to tell me what is going to happen and I have been doing things for years. I am just tired of living my life this way and I'm tired of fight or flight mode! I do everything for my mom. I feel like she is playing sides like when she is with me she doesn't answer my sister and vice versa. I'm kinda over it. And my sister thinks she knows everything and her husband left her very well.
Now that you are working again, focus on your job, and finding a new place to live where you can come home in the evenings to peace and quiet to rest and reclaim your life.
With your sister having your mother's POA, she can deal with the house and whether to fix it or sell it to fund care for your mother. Your sister can finish the Medicaid application. If they're in another state, she'll have to apply there instead.
Don't worry about who "wins" any tug of war between you and your sister. Just focus on the relief of being able to get back to your life with someone else in charge of your mother.
Sounds to me like you want to stop your sister from running your show, or want your life back. Let her deal with Mom, she has the money and wants to dictate everything. Let her take over, and get a job and get out. Mom's health is really bad and her behavior is irresponsible.
Of course your Mom is playing sides. She obviously cares only about herself. Don't waste your time and energy on fixing Mom's house, get a job and move out. Renting a room somewhere else will be your path to freedom.
Don't let your sister send Mom back and loose another job.
I gave my parents six years of my life and they were mostly unappreciative. I wish I would have thrown in the towel sooner than I did.
Figure out what you need to do to get yourself out of this situation. And just understand that you cannot expect your sister to take it on. She has shown you she won’t.
It's rough trying to manage their life and your own, physically and financially 🤯 and mentally!
Yes, let sister go to the Dr with her and find out for herself! She's got the time and you say you're working again? Nice!
I know that feeling of throwing in the towel but you know that you can't unless you find another alternative. I think the best move I made was placing Mom in assisted living and they eventually moved her to memory care. If you go that way, make sure the facility has both as the transition is very easy!
You know that we can't keep the promises we made to keep them in their own home, it's impossible! They didn't count on you giving up your life to keep them happy. Ask the Dr what he/she thinks, you know Mom better than anyone. As for siblings? You can disown them later.
You can't do everything, we're only human! Place Mom and be a happier you! It's best for Mom and you! I placed my Mom a couple of miles away and was able to go over before or after work when needed. They still need things, so make it close for your convenience.
Honey, you won't believe the change in yourself when you get rid of the extra caregiver duties. Peace of mind! They're safe and cared for with meals and people checking in and a nurse on call.
Stand your ground with sister! Be the caregiver! If you place Mom, you are able to be her daughter again. It's true! How long has it been since you were her daughter? 😢
PTSD is real.
You have been caring for both parents for sometime.
Let me interject here that you can not expect your sister to help. And if she does not see mom for a long time she has a skewed view as to mom's level of care requirements. Add to that that when mom does see your sister she may try to make things look better. Sometimes called "show timing"
What you can do is accept that your sister will not help and try wrapping your head around that. while it is difficult once you change your expectations you can see things more clearly.....
Now...
You can not be a lone caregiver. You need to hire caregivers that can help you out. Mom pays for the caregivers. NOT you
Check with your local Senior Service Center or Area Agency on Aging and see what programs that mom may qualify for.
At some point you may have to make the decision to place mom in a facility that can safely manage her care. If that is Skilled Nursing that is one option, if mom is cognizant then Assisted Living may be a good fit for her. If she is not cognizant then Memory Care.
this is NOT a failure on your part to take care of her this is admitting that she needs more help than you can safely provide at home.
It is possible that mom's house may have to be sold in order to pay for a facility. You and mom should consult an elder Care Attorney if this is a possibility. And if you do not have all the proper paperwork yet a POA for Health and Finances as well as other paperwork should be done.
Now if mom is a candidate for Hospice that is another option. You would get a Nurse that would come at least 1 time a week, a CNA that would come at least 2 times a week. the nurse would check on mom's health and order any medications and equipment that you need to help care for her. The CNA would give mom a bath or shower and order all the personal supplies that you would need. With Hospice you could ask for a Volunteer that would come sit with mom while you get things done in or out of the house. The Volunteer can not do any "hands on care" so the time is usually limited to a maximum of 3 or 4 hours.
And Medicare will cover Respite care in a facility if you need a break. Most also have In Patient Units so if mom's symptoms or if pain can not be managed at home they can place her in an In Patient Unit where they will be able to get pain and symptoms under control.