Can anyone recommend a book/guide for moving in with adult children? Does it ever work out?!?

I wasn’t prepared for long term care in our home (15 years). In fact, I actually thought that my life would become simpler by asking mom to move in with us.

Initially it was fine, because mom wasn’t dependent on us for everything and our children adored her, but as the years go by, the circumstances changed drastically. I wish that I had made the living arrangement a temporary solution until I could find placement for her in a facility.

Mom felt welcomed in our home but hated being a burden on us. She felt like her living with us was an imposition. We felt awkward asking her to leave. It becomes awkward for everyone involved. She didn’t want to insult us by asking to move elsewhere. By that time she grew used to our home being her home and started to fear living in a facility.

There is one question that I would seriously want you to consider. Do you wish for your child and spouse to possibly give up their lives entirely to care for you if health issues arrive? The dynamics of the relationship changes. Thus, children become caregivers instead of family members.

In our case, what was once a loving relationship became sour due to feelings of entrapment, fear, anxiety and depression. We were suffering with depression due to the isolation of never being able to participate in any activities outside of the home and the lack of having any privacy in our home. Don’t make the mistake of saying that those issues will never come up in your case. None of us have crystal balls.

I don't know what your relationship has been like with your son and daughter-in-law, but there are things that I would recommend. When my mother moved in with us we didn't have much of a discussion about who would do what in the kitchen, whose furniture would be used, kitchen, towels etc., etc.. We also had some emotional baggage that we had never addressed. If I had to do it again I would have hired a counselor or mediator and spent some time deciding how the situation was going to work. My mother has been with us for 10 years now and was diagnosed with Alzheimer's dementia about 5 years ago. We get by day by day, and we still have our challenges. I have other friends that have had their parents live with them and do just fine. You both sound like reasonable people, and since there are no children involved, this could be a really good situation. I really would recommend some sort of outside source to help you figure out how the living situation is going to work. Staying out ahead of a situation really saves potential future aggravation.

I’ve already posted but would like to add that it is sometimes hard to live with others, relatives or not! People have a wide variety of interests. I was never a ‘homebody’ and I like to stay up late watching a movie on occasion. My mom was a homebody and went to bed early. She and my dad ate dinner at 4:00! We ate around 7:00 most nights. So, schedules needed to be adjusted accordingly with snacks or eating separately.

Geeeeez, I remember issues with roommates when I was younger. I had one roommate that thought it was perfectly fine to move her unemployed boyfriend in with us. I put a stop to that immediately! He was eating everything in our apartment, not contributing in any way. My name was on the lease and I told them both to leave and I found a new roommate that respected the terms of being a considerate and responsible roommate.

Just traveling with others can be stressful. Once I was traveling with a friend and all she wanted to eat was McDonalds! I told her that she was dining alone because there was no way that I was going to eat junk food on my vacation. I went on vacation afterwards with people that had similar taste to me.

Living together is full time! Little things will start to grind on each other’s nerves.

Will the in-law suite include kitchen area, private bath, etc. Enough amenities so that you could both live there without having to use same facilities that they use. You could go to cook when you want, nap when you want, go to bed at your regular hours without being interrupted by their household activities. If this is an add-on to their house - I would think about these things. If this is a separate free-standing unit on the property, sounds doable.

You could consider a flat rate per month to help cover utilities and other common household expenses. The proceeds from selling your home can be used for things you need now or in the future: housekeeper, in home health care, to move on to assisted living or other facility care if/when it can not be managed while living at their property. I suggest you keep very good records of your income/house sale money and what you spend it on. Should you use up your own savings/sale from house and need nursing home care, you will have to have records to show how that money was spent. Money spent on rent/utilities is expected, however other monies given to your family will create penalty period on when Medicaid will start paying for a nursing home bed.

All in all, I see this as something good. You are closer to another set of eyes to observe both of you as you age and much easier for a child to help you. Parents who refuse to budge from their old house create a lot of extra work for the children. Much easier to assist, observe and manage one house than two. Some of those parents fall and end up on the ground for long periods of time before a relative visits and finds them.

I think that would be ideal as long as you would have you own space. That includes kitchen, bath, living and bedroom. You would have your separate home on their property and both families, as neighbors would be independent, but still close enough for family visits and emergencies. This would work well as long as each of you does not intrude on the other, and respect everyone’s privacy.

Mawood, can you answer some questions?

Do you and your husband respect your son and his wife?

Do you view him as an adult or do you still see him as your child?

Do you love her as your own?

Have you ever said anything derogatory to her or about her?

Do either of you feel like it is okay to make your son feel guilty about you, do you think that they have an obligation because you raised him? Have you ever tried to create fear in your son to get your way?

Do you know what good boundaries are?

Are you both willing to step aside as the masters of your home?

Do you expect your son and DIL to be responsible for the chores that you find too much?

Are you willing to pay and accept help from hired providers? Whether that is cleaning your house, getting your groceries or wiping your bum.

Are you both considered good house guests?

Can you bring anything to the table that would enrich the lives of everyone? Ie a good sense of humor, cooking skills, a good ear for listening.

Who came up with the idea? Was it them in response to you or husband carrying on about how all of it is too much? Was it them being proactive and they really want to do this because that is the kind of relationship that you all have?

I recommend having some very frank discussions with everyone involved, address the questions here, as well as the questions about what will this look like when your or hubby requires 24/7 care.

I have seen these situations work beautifully, because of the mutual love and respect. The willingness to do something else when it no longer works for everyone involved and I have seen friends literally lose their minds because they are being treated as a child by their parents.

Only you 4 know the truth, please be open and honest before making this huge life changing decision. It will make the difference between success and utter failure.

My grandmother successfully lived with mother for about 9 years. They lived together in my grandmother's home while my mother's home was remodeled to accommodate Gram's mobility issues. When the remodel was complete, Gram lived with my mom for 7 years - until Gram peacefully passed in her sleep. They were roommates in the very real sense of sharing the home.

My mom lived with us for 6 months when she sold her home and moved into our state. It was not as peace-filled. Part of the problem was that this was supposed to be a temporary, "couple of months," situation. Part of the problem is that my mom has lost her sense of smell - can't detect the smell of unclean things or mildew. Part of the problem was that she tended to encroach into other areas of our home with her things. We gave her autonomy in a bedroom, a "bonus room" for her living room, and a bathroom. She started filling other parts of our home with her things - that smelled or had mildew. Did I mention that I am allergic to mold and mildew?

So, here is what I have learned.
1 - Write up an agreement after a series of conversations.
2 - Talk about which areas each person can use and decorate. This should include any structural changes to an area.
3 - Talk about how the utilities will be paid.
4 - Talk about how the mortgage/rent and insurance on the home will be paid.
5 - Talk about maintenance of home and yard as well as cleaning.
6 - Talk about food and storage areas.
7 - Talk about lifestyle/customs - quiet hours, where to eat food (in Florida, we have a huge problem with bugs), OK to walk around in jammies in common areas... These types of issues can create nuisance type stress.
8 - Right now you are reasonably healthy and mentally aware. Thank God! You need to talk about what happens if anybody starts having major health issues.
Is there finances or help if on of you must have a person all the time. What about transportation for multiple doctor appointments or treatments?
9 - Is there any situation that would be a deal-breaker for living together? I know that most families can not handle caring for a person that requires 24/7 care. Issues of nobody getting 7-9 hours of daily sleep, no time off for "couple time" or outings, and no time to care for anybody other than the sickest person... create stress, burnout and even resentment. Better to talk about this concern and have a rudimentary plan of how to handle it.

Think of this time together as "roommates" with "family benefits". The success depends on everybody communicating his/her expectations and all people coming to agreement.

Hello Mawood

Welcome to you and your husband for
reaching the years of “Grace”not everyone has lived to enjoy this time.

So ,God bless you and your husband 🙌🏼.

As you and your husband discussion your new living options,do write down the pro an con.

1. Where do you and husband vision as the ideal place of residence.
2. What would be the rules and boundaries;which will give peace and enjoyment.and happiness for both of you. This can create memories for all.

Deciding to live close to family must be discussed. All questions must be put in writing yes. This can also be a business negotiation, because property is being talked about.

Do seek professional counseling. Learning all pro and con can save everyone involved from misunderstanding.

When the Love of family is there,but money,property,etc can destroy relationship without document deeds in writing.

So best wishes to you all, and everyone involved will think with your heart, and do seek wisdom from outside resources also.

Peace!

For the purpose of assisting my dad in caring for my invalid mother, we purchased a large home together. My husband is an architect. We redesigned this home which gave them a handicap-designed suite with 2 bedrooms, 3ft doors, and large shower big enough for my mother’s wheelchair to roll into. Laundry too was in their suite. (Mother had an aide come 3x/week to shower her/change her sheets/etc.) A living and dining area with their furniture was right inside the front door - A place dad liked to sit (and escape from Mom.) Also, they had their own HVAV unit and water heater but the living area was in another zone. We split the purchase of the home and renovation equally. Property tax split equally. Bills: 3 of us and 2 of them. They paid 2/5 of every bill. Dad, for a couple of years, did the grocery shopping which was great. He would buy exactly what I wanted but eventually slid into buying the cheapest item which I didn’t want. Split groceries 2/5 and 3/5. Dad was very frugal and I was menopausal and he didn’t want to pay his part of the electric bill because he was cold in the summer sitting in his living area that was in a different HVAC zone. I agreed to 3/4 of the electric bill. I was fixing dinner for all of us in the summer in TX. There is an AC vent in the ceiling above my kitchen sink. I realize that I am hot. Sure enough, the thermostat (around the corner from the kitchen) is on 80. I turned it down to 75. Ahh!! But, 15 min later I am hot again. Thermostat back on 80. Dad had sneakily turned it up again! He was thin and wore a fleece all the time. This time, I turned it back to 75 and told him to go to his side of the house if he was cold!

As cost saver, Dad installed a water heater timer on both his suite WH and the other main living area WH. His life was very predictable. On Mondays, my wash day, I often forgot to turn on his WH. I used all the hot water for laundry and Mom’s shower was a cold one! More than once I heated water for her shower on the stove. My family’s life was not nearly as predictable as his. Running the dishwasher late after guests leave. Taking a shower in the afternoon after working in the yard. I finally stopped the function of the timer on the main WH to allow for life to be unpredictable. He was irritated but lived through it.

A benefit of living together- we could keep a closer eye on them. Kept a nursery monitor in their bedroom. My husband many times got up in the middle of the night to put my mother back into bed as she had fallen while using her bedside potty. While we were on vacation once, my brother came over to check on them. Saw a Western Union receipt in Dad’s office. Wanted to know what that was about. Dad got involved in a foreign lottery and was sending $ to them via WU. Asked my mom what she wanted me to do about it. “Stop it!” We stopped him by parking behind his vehicle so he couldn’t leave to send $. Though he was fuming, the bogus activity stopped. He lost over $3000. If he hadn’t lived with us, it would have been so much more.

An unforeseen issue was 2 masters of the same house. Once, my dad sat in my husband’s office while a client was there for a meeting. Dad wanted to see what was going on. Not cool! My husband and Dad butted heads much more than anticipated.

All this to say that you can plan and plan but something unforeseen will come up that you must either work through or stand your ground.

Also, because the extra bedroom was in their suite (Dad’s office), I lost my guest bedroom which I missed. We displaced our son to our bedroom sofa several times to make room for our guests.

Hope this helps guide the decision making when planning to live together.

My husband and I bought a house with our only son and his wife about 4 years ago. The house already had an in-law apartment. It is on the ground level with our son being above us. We have our own kitchen, bathroom, bedroom and den. We had a lawyer draw up papers showing that w own 50% and Son owns 50%. We pay 1/2 of the bills. We see our son and his family several times a week but totally respect their space and privacy. I feel that if we made it through Covid we should be okay! My husband and I have already discussed getting a cleaning lady when we cannot do it any longer. We have also discussed a care facility when that time comes. Our son said they would look after us but we feel that would become a burden for him and his wife.
we have our own garden and back yard. So far so good! My husband and I are both in our 70’s.

mawood: Ideally, you and your husband may want to do a trial run of living with your son and daughter in law before they spring the financials for the "in law suite," if possible. Perhaps it won't work out living there, e.g. different dynamic, other decisions, et al.

I would say NO it never works out. Actually it never works out as per everybody's expectations unless these are fully discussed, documented and contingencies put in place or at least agreed for any change in circumstance. One can go into this with the very best will in the world, at the medical state of all concerned at the time, but look to the future and what is likely/possible to change and agree what is and isn't possible to manage. Put down expectations, and who will pay what, transport, care, personal care, housework, household chores, going to work, nursing care, room access, meal arrangements. There is a lot to consider and the more of it you can sort and agree before hand the less there is to cause resentment or bad feeling in the future.

While my Grandfather didn't live with us he did live next door in his own house. My parents had purchased the lot their house was on and built their own house, at the time both my mother's parents were alive. Grandmother died about 10 years later and Mom took on the caregiver roll while raising me. Most of the time it only was taking him to medical appointments and he joined us for dinner each evening. She did mention a few times that the burden of caring for him had fallen on her since she lived so close, both sisters were married and had moved out of town. I also have a friend living in a multigenerational home and it is working out fine for them. Her husband was diagnosed with Lewy Body and after that my friend and her daughter both sold their existing homes and purchased one where they could have separate and shared living space. As he husband progresses they will have the support of daughters and family and in the mean time they get to spend lots of time watching their grandson grow up.

I think it's going to depend on the people involved and what expectations are and setting
boundaries.

We built on a MIL 950 square foot apartment onto our house. We do not resent having my MIL at all. She lived in her side and we had a door that connected. We hired someone to come in everyday to help clean, help with her meals and to keep her company. She stayed there for about 5 years until she needed to go into a nursing home. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

If there is a “book” it does not matter. What matters is do you think that you will get along with your son and daughter-in-law. Have you been friendly living separately to each other? Have you shared experiences together? Have you expressed “love” for each other? Have you gone on vacation together? What will happen if you need their assistance for health or financial aid? How independent are you now? Do want to continue to be independent? Do you share the same or similar interests? What about your and their politics? Are your and their personalities compatible? Do you like their house? What about the neighbors? What if it does not work out, will you pay them back for their investment?

In helping caregivers with their loved ones for 15 years and having a similar experience as so many others, where do I begin?
There are 6 "pillars" to caregiving. Are you OK with them watching your health decline and knowing they cannot help because it's called aging? Are you OK with asking them the same questions over and over again, or maybe forgetting where you put things and they have to find it for you? Are you OK with them telling you they think you might have dementia and they would like a solid diagnosis so they can know what their future looks like? Are you OK with asking them to drive you because you can no longer drive? Are you OK with giving them your health and financial documents so they can know how much you have and how much you will need when they are overwhelmed and cannot do it anymore? When they need to hire home help, can you afford it? Are you OK with them telling you they can't do it anymore and it's time to move you? Are you OK with them finding a new senior facility that you can afford when the time arrives? Are you OK when they say "No, it's about your safety and you can't do this or that anymore."? Are you OK with them becoming your parent someday? And are you OK with them leaving for vacation without you and having someone come in to watch you? Will you accept the outside help easily and with courtesy, so they won't feel guilty when they do take time off to live their lives? Are you OK with all of this and more? If not, then live your life in a senior facility where there are new friends and fun to explore and all of you will be blessed because your love stands firm with relationship, not responsibility. How fresh your love for one another will stay!!

My daughter and SIL have made it clear that they would want us to live with us instead of being in a nursing home. We love them for that. So in a few years we will find a nice assisted living near them so that they can visit us or we them, and they don't have to take care of us. Problems prevented.

If the "in-law suite" is done correctly it really is not "moving in" with them. It is near or adjacent.
As long as you have a separate entrance I would not consider that moving in.
I would set up a rental agreement so that you would be paying fair rent. (They can use the money however they want, kids college, pay off their house, save for their later years...)
If you need more help YOU hire caregivers to come in and help you. Or you pay them to help you.
For LONG list of what NOT to do read the posts here and for the most part do the opposite.
What you are planning can work.
By the way if they are going to build this In Law suite...it should be built or renovated so it is handicap accessible. No carpet, floors that can stay wet for an extended time, wide halls, wide doorways, or at least doors with full swing hinges. Roll in shower. Ramps if necessary

An aunt and uncle built a mother-in-law suite onto their home for her mother. She was never in it except at bedtime. The lives of her family were much more interesting than sitting alone in her suite. 30 years later my cousin and his wife did the same thing for my aunt. Same problem, she had no social life and wanted to be in the rest of the house interfering in their lives. Neither woman had much social life and were lonely, looking for company.

If you go thru with this plan I suggest you sit down and discuss all the pros and cons including what happens when, not if, one or both of you becomes ill or needs extra help. Don’t make any assumptions, lay it all out and talk about finances, medical issues, companionship, privacy, visits, etc. You don’t say how hold any of you are, is the "childless" state likely to change? What happens if a job change moves them to a new city? Will you be considered tenants paying rent and contributing to utilities and expenses. How separate will your lives be?

The few times Mom stayed with me she followed me around like a puppy wanting to be involved and included in whatever I was doing. My aunt wanted to help by cooking meals and kept forgetting to turn the stove off. How do you intend to keep your lives separate and be independent?