Should I refuse to let my sister visit OUR elderly mother in my home for her semiannual feel better day?

All this talk about "choice" here leaves me nauseated. It must come from pop-psychology literature. Caring for one's mother, with one's time or money, is not a choice except in some perverted, bizarro world where selfishness is considered a virtue. Every mention of "choice" in these posts reminds me that some people were put on this earth to push others aside. Most people who care for parents 24/7 are not rich enough to afford overpriced institutional ripoffs with their glamorous brochures and slick sales offices.  It's ironic they should be accused of "playing the martyr" for daring to speak at all. Where I hear a soft plaint, others hear a brash brass band, the very others who relish their selfish lives and selfish choices. Those who "choose" to not be there or put in money to relieve their siblings with occasional in-home care are the same people who mistreat others in other aspects of their lives. They are not worth our attention or respect. Their "choice" may not bring on divine justice but is contemptible regardless. I say bless those who not only care but show it with time or money. The rest can just go to hell.

You know better than anyone whether your sister's inevitably short visit will be beneficial or hurtful to your mom. You are the person taking care of her everyday. If mom is asking to see her and it would hurt if she doesn't visit, it may help lift mom's spirits. But if your sister breezes in and only causes a raucous, then feel free to eliminate worry from your already heavy shoulders.

I, too, have a less than helpful sibling. The only thing I have ever asked of her is for her to call her mother. Just call. "But I can't deal with her". Well, I get to "deal" with her all the time. Suck it up, Buttercup.

My mother would love to see her daughter. If she really wanted to visit, even for a few hours, I would allow it. But only because it would help my mother and make her happy. If the negatives outweighed the positives, there is no way I would allow it.

Like I said, you know your mom best. You know what she needs. You know what to expect from dear ole sis. Maybe fenagle a 2-3 hour respite for yourself and do something for you. But I think you know to not expect anything significant from your sis. You can always try, but I get the feeling she's like my sister and always has an excuse. My sister says "I'm a single mom. I don't have time". Please. Three of her kids are graduated from HS and out of her house. The fourth lives with her father full time, not with her. Yes. She is single, and she is a mother. But she is not a "single mother" in the misleading way that she intends to give...that she has children at home needing her attention.

Is there any way that your mom can go to Assisted Living or Memory Care?
What if you give your sister an ultimatum and follow through with it? You can give her time to get our together but this burden needs to be shared.

Similar situation here. This may not be a popular response. But I think do what's in the best interest of your Mom. It's not easy to do...but put yourself to the side for a minute. I laugh as I say that, because it's so difficult to do when you have non involved family as is my situation. Resentments are no good either. People are who they are. Sometimes we have to just accept that, even though that's a tough one. And this is unnecessary, but an hour for Thanksgiving? Woo hoo. Go sister. Sorry, I try to think positively, but I get that too..  Ridiculous what people do to make themselves feel better.

Unless there is a deleterious effect on your mom, or a dysfunctional aspect, like sis is a klepto, I would advise that you take the high road and let sister visit. Make sure she is well instructed to care for mom and as soon as she arrives, you go get a massage, manicure or whatever makes you feel better and more relaxed. In fact, insist that she stay for a few days in order to give you respite. Use her. My sister never came to visit. For years. As much as I would have been angry with her for her negligence, I would not deny mom and dad that little bit of time she gave if she came to visit. Alas, she never did. Some people are just plain selfish and for them, I only wish a special place in hell. I know you are hurt because it isn't just about your mom as you have given over your life right now to care for mom. Frankly, she's not thinking about you; she just wants to visit with mom. But if you are invested in the care of your mom, you need to allow your sister to visit. Do have a sit down with her to explain your mother's needs and ask her how she will help with those needs. If she isn't hands on and she doesn't have discretionary income, put her to work seeking out forms of assistance that your mom may qualify for....think adult day care or in-home community care (some of that allows a little more income than Medicaid.) Try not to make your request a yes or no question..but instead frame your questions as a choice of one thing or another.

No you don't own her anything but you should havea talk with her about helping a little more it's her mother too. Or tell her to take her home with her and you don't want to hear she's going to break things if she can't help u out then you have to tell her don't bother coming there.

I'm going through the same with my 2 brother's. Just goes to show when a parent falls ill or dementia or whatever happens to them, 90% of the time the so-called "true" friends and loving family show their real COLORS, and it makes me sick to my stomach

Didn't read any of the other answers, but have been in your position and NO WAY do I let my two brothers visit for an hour or two a year to clear their conscience of how they acted their whole lives toward her. They stole from her, didn't visit for her to see her grandchildren grow up, called on the usually 4 holidays to the 10 minute talk. The relationships have been over for five years now and so be it. (of course they blame me for "brainwashing her toward them" or coercing mom to feel the way she does. I am lucky enough to have tapes of her screaming to me about them and how disappointed she is in her life about them) I understand that you don't have that from your Mom about your sister, but this is about you as the caregiver and I don't believe your mother's life will be better with her short visits, but YOUR life will be better with her NOT visiting to clear her conscience. JUST SAY NO!!

Hello Karen,

You sound like me a few years ago.

Dad has not been able to care for himself for about 5 yrs now. My mom started with issues like you mentioned a little over a year ago.

My sister lives next door to them. She refuses to help with their care. There was and still is always an excuse (grandchildren, her daughter in college, party, etc.)

My grandchildren live in the same city as I and I'm fortunate if I see them once in a month.

I was furious with her especially if I had them sitting outside in the porch and she would drive up and park as close to the front door of her house and ignore them as she walked inside.

Once in a while I'd catch her visiting only to discover she was asking for money. I put a stop to that immediately. If she comes over now, my parents have nothing to give her. Fortunately my parents had their bank accounts hacked and put me on them to oversee.

It was hard for me to drive up to my parents house and see her car at her house or her leaving to who knows where while I was struggling with trying to balance my life and care for our parents. They are a hand full.

I HATED HER! I still do.

It took time but I had to work through that hatred realizing that the only person who was getting emotionally and physically sick was me. She was happy with her life and didn't give me or my parents a thought. Sure she comes over and I rarely speak to her and leave. I tell her "I need something from the store", "pay a bill", etc. I want her to know that I do not "understand" why she can't help and I schedule my time because I have so much to do.

I send her texts every week (2-3) and tell her what I do and need to do for our parents. All the things I purchase and all the things that need to be done by a handyman. This is not an ego trip but I like to document everything. Should a need arrives later, I want to make sure I have it all.

I recently told her it was time for her to help pay the expenses since I had just hired a provider to help.

I did receive something which was surprising. We will see if it continues.
We can't change people but we need to find an avenue for them to contribute.

Remember you have the upper hand:

-Have her do errands (my sister picks up medication refills and leaves them at the door)
-Pick up groceries, clothing, other necessities.
-If you know she is bringing a gift during her visit, suggest what Mom needs
-if possible, schedule to have someone there an hr after she gets there so you can leave and not worry about Mom being alone before you get back. Go visit family or a good friend while you are out. It will really help.

Another thing: if Mom doesn't remember her one day and your sister is surprised, reminder why.

There are other things I can talk about that may help you however I'd be off topic.

Hope this helps.

" We are not suppose to carry mountains but to climb them."

I understand the way you feel. My mil lives next door. She needs meals and baths. My bil lives 20 minutes away.
He once told me he was not his mother’s caregiver nor my respite care. At that point I decided he really does not want to help and frankly, not his job. He visits when he wants. I don’t care if he visits or not. Once I let go of the feeling that it was his responsibility to take care of his mom, my anxiety went away. You cannot control other people. You can only control your response to them. You do need more help. You cannot force your sister. Find outside help somewhere.... You are only making yourself miserable.
When your sister visits your mom, leave. The less you think about your sister, the better.

Wow,
I'm surprised with all of the answers going back and forth. Your question touched on a real issue, family dynamics when it comes to personal care of the parents.

Knock on wood my parents are relatively healthy, but I have a brother and he and I don't see eye to eye now, so I can only imagine how things will be when our parents can't function on their own anymore.

I wish I could give you a clean, cut answer that would take the sting or guilt away, but there is no easy answer. All I can tell you is negative energy, stress or anger is debilitating. You gotta let it go, especially as the care for your mother is only going to increase. As a nurse your should know about caregiver burnout, so start looking else where for help and by all means find a friend you can vent with and when you are done with the conversations,its left right there and the weight is lifted from your heart so you can get back to working it out.

Take care and Stay Inspired,

The point to others to include me, Start talking to your siblings about "What ifs" It may be messy, but at least you'll start the process of understanding "who's going to do what."

Thank you for Sharing

I hear you loud and clear and feel the exact same way about my selfish, spoiled brother and his stingy wife. My mother is 93 and my son and I have been her caregivers for years now. She currently shares an apartment with me and has mild Dementia. She hasn't gotten to the point your mom has yet but I understand this disease only gets worse than better. My brother and his children come to see my mom once a year in the Summer for 3 hours and then leave. They call occasionally but I resent his not wanting to spend time with our mother or help me with her expenses. She does not have enough money to even bury herself and my brother is wealthy and has refused to lift this burden. So, my answer to you is forget your sister, keep your respite help, and don't rely on sis to be there for you unless she has a miraculous change in attitude. These siblings don't want to be bothered. God bless friend and hang in there. You are not alone.

I am not OP's sister, but I could be. I will never provide hands on care for either of my parents, nor do I have the financial means to provide any funds.

OP has said for many years her sister has only visited their mother a few times a year, yet, she now expects her sister to change age old behaviours. That is unreasonable. Sister has a reason for limiting her contact with their mother. We do not know what it is.

OP decided 7 months ago to have their mother come live with her. She made that choice, her sister did not make the choice to become a caregiver, even on a respite basis. There are always options for care giving, we may not like them, but they exist.

I worked 6 days a week for 4/5 years. It is exhausting, perhaps not as exhausting as care giving, but I doubt OP's assertion that her sister got the part time job only as an excuse to not be available for care giving. I know I did it to make ends meet.

OP expects her sister to take time off work so OP can go visit her grandchildren. So the sister is supposed to use up her holiday time to allow another person to have a holiday?

OP expects her sister who is renting, working two jobs to make ends meet, to provide money to help with Mum's care? And is surprised that sister is showing resentment that OP, who had help to get where she is, is asking for funds?

Regarding having Mum go to sister's home. My mother has not been allowed in my home for 4.5 years. She did something to destroy my ability to trust her and I will not allow her to cross my threshold again. Oh everyone who meets my mother thinks she is a lovely woman, but they were not raised by her. It may have taken my almost 50 years to put good boundaries in place, but no one is going to remove them now.

OP sister and brother are estranged to some degree from their mother, it could well be that they had very different childhoods that OP and cope by limiting or having no contact.

If OP cannot go visit the grandchildren there are other ways in these days of technology to keep in touch. It is not the same as hugging a child, but watching a music recital or game via Skype or any other App is better than nothing. My best friend's grand baby is 1000 miles away, she has only seen her twice in person, but gets photos, Facetime and more on a weekly basis. The parents have a recording of her reading to the baby and more.

Or OP's kids can bring the grandchildren to her.

You resentment towards your sister is undoubtly spilling over to your mother with dementia and it is not fair to her. She is a vulnerable adult and at the mercy of her environment. She does not have the cognitive ability to sort out what is happening to her, to your or your sister. While you might hate your sister, you have no right to ban her from seeing HER mother. If you are burned out, crying for 2 hours daily, resenting that you are not getting enough help, you are not in a position to offer your mother the care she needs. Your resentment helps no one inculding yourself. Please seek respite care or an alternative placement for your mother. Talk to your Mother's MD who can recommend a social worker, or geriatric care consultant. Your wellbeing depends on it as much as your mother.

I feel your pain! I took care of my Mother for 7 years with no help from an older sister. "Busy". "Too sick." Gotta "babysit". I took a part time job in 2015, only lasted 6 weeks because the older sister had a complete melt down when she HAD to take her mother to an ENT. My poor mom inserted a hearing aid battery in her ear. Yes. The battery NOT the hearing aid. The CNA's don't help out the elderly. Too much work. Sad. Pathetic. All I can tell you is ask for Strength from God, which is what I did, and take one day at a time. I forgot to even breathe through those 7 years. What about me? I was forgotten. Now that my mom is gone, only a year, I struggle with the grief. Of course, people have just left me alone as well. Friends? Family? A joke. Busy as usual.

Life is short enough.

Your Sad Mom has Dementia....Become, Hun, Her POA and ban your Sister who is Nothing but a blister. You will Obtain more Rights.....God Bless you.

Surprise I couldn't have said it better. My mother who is 86 now lives in the same city as I do. My choice. She was miserable living in the city where my brother and sister lived. I was resentful for two years, because I was never "mom's favorite" and I didn't like her much either.
My sister and her partner earn a very good living, take 3-week cruises and 3-week vacations to exotic destinations. But she can't manage to make it from the west coast to the east coast to see her mother.
I also earn a good living and have traveled the world as well. I still go when I want to.
Someone told me to re frame it. Instead of, "I HAVE to take care of my mother," say, "I get to take care of my mother in her waning days." That has changed everything. I put limits on what I can do for my mom. She lives independently in a senior building and it offers healthcare right across the driveway. I'm so blessed to have found this. I no longer have to accompany her to EVERY doctor appointment. I visit twice/three times a week. I've found a supermarket that delivers groceries. She had arthritis real bad and can't stand up to cook, so I bring hot meals on the days I come or on Saturdays I bring hoagies, which she loves.
I'm planning a two-day vacation with her. Once a couple of years ago, she had a medical crises and was unable to stay home alone and couldn't come to my house because it is three-story. She pitched a fit when she had to go to respite care overnight.
YOU ARE MAKING A CHOICE. But you are also playing the martyr and relishing in it. Find respite care--go visit your grandchildren. If money allows, assist your child to come visit you and plan staycations while they are with you. Get respite care while they visit. When your sister comes to visit, treat her cordially and let her spend as much time as her conscience dictates with her mother. I've come to realize not everyone can handle watching a parent age. It's hard to witness.
But please don't break your relationship with your sibling. Believe me while you're sitting there stewing and cleaning up after your mother, your sister is busy enjoying happy hour with friends. Anger and resentment is like sitting in a wet diaper. Ain't nobody uncomfortable but you.

FWIW I'm going to mention the following that I read a few years ago (and not specifically directed at anyone here): "Harboring resentment is allowing a person you dislike to have rent-free space in your brain."

While understanding your resentment and frustration, I think you should allow your sister and mother to see each other. You should not punish your mother by punishing your sister. Dementia causes very strange behaviors at times and there will be many challenges ahead. You may consider trying to get your mother on Medicaid. She may be eligible due to her age and illness. This will allow you to get respite services for more than the 10 hours you are paying for and it will not cost you anything. This will help you to free up more of your time to avoid the caregiver burnout that you seem to be going through.

Sounds like you need more help coming in . Let your sister visit and leave her alone with your mother and you go out and do something for you. Everyone deals with aging parents differently and it' not always what makes sense to us. Do what you can and always ask for help . Some towns have adult daycare , maybe that' an option. Watching are parents age is very difficult and emotions are very high. We unfortunately become the parents . Always take care of yourself . Think outside the box abit

I totally hear you. However any time to yourself is probably good if you do infact get that time to yourself. Go out and enjoy it. If a day has to have a mother or birth tag to get your sister there who cares. Get her to do a few things while she visits. How about she share some of the costs and comes to babysit for a few days so you can visit your grandkids. Persuade her that would be the best gift all round. If you are angry with her it is easier for her to leave, if she ' sees' how hard it is for you she may think of some ways to help at least. Make a list of things she could do that would help your life, and give them priority points or value points. Give her the option to refuse even the low value points. She is more likely to take on some tasks if you communicate. If you shut her out she gets a free pass and a clear conscience

Sis has done what is best for her. You are doing what you think is best for Mom. (I disagree, but that's another thing.)

Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, so I don't think you should be the arbiter of what strengths are acceptable and what ones aren't. You gave a laundry list of the difficult things your mom does, then you blame your sister for not being willing to take that on?? Why? Because she chooses not to martyr herself and help you martyr yours? You're merely projecting your resentment onto the wrong person.

Don't keep her away from your mother. Mom has a right to see her family, and your sister has a right to see her mother.

Please try to be aware that your exhaustion and resentment come through clear as a bell. It affects your mother even if you don't think it does. You would do better to find her a nursing home where she can have proper care and be visited by a loving daughter who is not angry and resentful.

I think caregiving for an elder dementia patient is the toughest job I've ever done. I cared for my dad in my home for as long as I was physically able and then worked hard to find an appropriate care setting that turned out well for him. I am an only child and my care journey was nine years. I don't think a day went by that I didn't wish I had siblings who might have some skills that I didn't. I particularly wished for a brother I could call on when I needed things lifted to spare my bad back and a sister who was more efficient with paperwork than I will ever be! However, I never regretted that I had full authority to make the decisions I felt were best.

Your situation with your sister is more the norm than the exception. In a family with siblings it's not unusual for one sibling to take the lead while the others do or don't help, or try to call in plays from the sidelines while critiquing the one doing the work. There is no benefit to you adding resentment to your already difficult circumstances that are only going to get tougher over time. There is no benefit to your mom not to be the recipient of her daughter's attention regardless of her level of awareness. There is no benefit to your sister to not have the outlet she appears to be capable of sustaining with your mother. Lots of people are simply not able to rise to the higher needs regardless of what you think they should be able to do. Your sister clearly regards your training as a nurse as more qualifying for the lead caregiving role.

Consider what you need that your sister might be able to contribute and calmly let her know how she can be involved. It may be a relief to her to have some avenue to be involved that doesn't involve hands on caregiving that she clearly fears. Allow for the possibility that assisting you is a way for her to contribute to your mother's care. You may need someone to handle the bookkeeping and recordkeeping for your mom's care. Perhaps she could make that a quarterly effort to keep things organized. You may need money to hire a respite caregiver to have a regular day off or an aide to bathe your mother twice a week. You may need someone to take over ordering, paying for, and sending your mother her disposable undergarments, wipes, moisture balm, no-rinse shampoo and other supplies. You may need someone to come in and cook up meals to stock your freezer or pay for a meal delivery service. You may need someone to clean or pay for a housekeeper to come in once a month. You may need some yard care or your car serviced. And so on.

My point is, seething over what your sister isn't or can't seem to do adds nothing to anyone's life, most especially your own. It's not the "bigger person" you need to strive to be but the "more effective" person that would ease both your mind and your life. I like to call it "possibility thinking." Consider all the ways in which your sister might give something of herself, time, or money to assist and all the ways that might work with her to calmly make requests. Think of it more as "strategic" than bigger.

You will have do the work to accept that your sister will not be an equally involved and equally able partner in your mom's care journey. There are benefits to being the person in charge with the decision-making authority and you appear to feel that you are the best suited for that role. Accept it as the way in which you will be helping your mother and coordinate all the other sources of help available to you on her behalf, including your sister.

Blessings for your dedication. It will be a tough road but when it's over, strive to have no guilt or regrets over having done your best.

Ive done all that and yes I have a sister like that. The thing you need to know is you only have one chance to get it right. You will miss your Mom down the road and you will regret ever feeling anything negative about what she does as a 90 something year old. They can't help their age; they don't like it either. Do not keep her away from her family. She will never see them or you again someday. Think of this from her perspective and get even more help if you need it. Do not deny Mom anything and do not resent her ever. She is the biggest blessing you will ever know and without her life will never be the same. Hope this helps because this may seem like it will last forever but it will gone before you know it.

Don’t expect anything from sis...she is more of a problem than mom. She’ll probably find some kind of excuse not to come in May. Your mother walks more than mine, who can’t walk at all. Her walking days are over. We use a stand assist lift machine to put her in wheelchair & commode. You can take your mother out for the day & go with her Aide. 🤗 hugs

Don't do it. This is not about your sister, this is about how YOU will feel if you don't let her do her semi-annual visit.

Later you will feel petty and you already have enough on your plate - don't allow negativity to cloud your judgement.

So understand. But I have a feeling, since you wrote...that you do feel a little concern about living with the guilt after the fact.
It doesn't sound like mom can go out easily...I was going to suggest if sister wants to come over to relieve her guilt, let her take her somewhere...or if you trust her (which I doubt), you could take the pup and go elsewhere.
Can you really live with knowing you kept her from your mom? It's so sad...in the end, you sisters will be left. And while nothing much is keeping you together now...who will be there for you later? I wish my own sister gave that more thought...she's more a live in the moment kind of person.
Be sure things are up to speed legally.
Also, check in with your local area agency on aging...they may be able to assist with more in-home help/time off for you...they have a caregiver support program. I have to add...in an UN elder related situation I very much wanted to be a bigger person. I was horribly torn about doing something very mature and rising above it, yet it contradicted my feelings so very much. I unloaded on a dear and trusted friend who was more objective and knows me well, but not the other person at all. He said "nothing you have told me makes me think you have any obligation to do this at all." I can't tell you what a relief it was to hear that.
You have a bit of time to consider it all. BTW..my sister lives at too great a distance to be accessible/of any help at all. She can barely respond to an email just so I know I've been "heard." Even that little bit of support helps, so it really bothers me that she doesn't. It took a long time, but I've lowered my expectations and resentment has dissipated. I'm sure it must be far more brutal to have someone closer who makes up BS excuses. Welcome to the good daughters club.

I can totally feel your pain, but out of fairness to your mom - it best that you let your sister visit your mom.  Although you don't need to let your sister in your house - tell your sister that she can have her for part of the day, just not in your house.  Maybe you can tell your sister that you'll be taking a vacation some time and ask her if she can watch her in her own house.  There are ways to prevent mom from messing up the house - such as put plastic down on the sofa or anything that is cloth.  Wearing pull ups/diapers would definitely help in peeing in her shoes.  I know with my 80 yr old mom who is incontinent, it was hard to make the transition to diapers, so I just removed all her underwear and she had nothing else to wear, but the diapers.  Unfortunately diapers are another expense that you probably don't need.  Hang in there - it's not easy taking care of an older parent, especially when you don't get help from your sibling.  Shame on your sister.

What makes your mom happy? If your reply is she doesn’t know what makes her happy, then answer if she in a good mind what would make mom happy. It’s not about you. You are the caregiver and your role is to make sure mom is cared for & happy to the best of your ability. What your sister doesn’t do will have to be answered for by the good lord.