My BF takes care of his 96 yr old dad who has stage 5 or 6 alzheimer's. They live in a small house together. My 13 y.o. daughter and I live in a small house together. My BF and I want to get married and be able to have all of us live together in one home. But, his dad's house is too small for 4 people, and my house is too small, also. My BF has property that he plans on building a house on, but he doesn't have the funds at this time because he has had to cut working down to part time to take care of his dad. He doesn't get paid to take care of his dad, and does it by himself, but pretty-much lives with him for free. His name is on his dad's bank account and he is his dad's POA. He has no siblings, so all of his dad's assets willl go to my BF when his dad passes. Can he legally take money out of his dad's bank account to begin building a house on his property that is big enough to accomodate all 4 of us? His dad has convinced himself that he has no money, although he has plenty. His dad has lost most of his short term memory, and can't make rational decisions. To try and explain to him what we want to do would be pointless. He thinks he has no money to begin with. But to do it without his knowledge or approval seems almost like stealing....
And even though this IS related to caring for an elder, I will now close this conversation. Thanks again for everyone's input. Take care!
And, like I said before, I know perfectly well that what I have said sounds selfish. But if you had any idea what I have been through you would totally understand. And, I know...doesn't give me any right..... I just wish it would be my turn to be happy....in all of my 48 years I can't ever remember being truly happy....
That's my whole point, flyer, my BF has not even had a life yet and it's likely that he won't be free to have one until he also is older with age decline. My mother was so afraid that she was going to be a burden to her children in her old age that she bought NH insurance. Then she developed cancer we didn't find out until a month before she died because she didn't want anyone to be worried or burden anyone to have to care for her.
I can fully understand that you want to have a life of your own with a new husband, but all of us here find life comes to a screeching halt when there are elders involved. My plans to retire and travel the world stopped 6 years ago and I don't foresee those plans ever getting off the ground now due to my own age decline.... but my parents had a fantastic retirement.
If your BF wanted to marry you, he would find an appropriate facility for his dad, and work full time to fulfill his own life. Then you could have a life together.
I learned my lesson the hard way. Fortunately I don't regret it, as I still have my parents (94 and 88), four loyal chihuahuas, and a job that keeps me busy.
Deep down I know it just isn't possible to be married and be living in the same household together. It just wouldn't work, financially, and also as far as his dad and my daughter are concerned. But, I was determined to try and find a way. I don't think I would want to have to deal with his dad, and that's what I (and my daughter) would end up doing. It would not be a very pleasant situation even if we were able to get a larger house. And, I know that is what my BF is trying to avoid. He doesn't want me to have to deal with his dad. He feels his dad is his responsibility and I shouldn't have to be burdened with it. That's very sweet, but he thinks he can do it alone.....NOT! He has been, for years, but now his dad is most likely in stage 6 and has been getting into more trouble than usual.
He burnt up the microwave last week! Of course, he didn't know what happened and it wasn't him that did it....he can't remember from one minute to the next. So trying to get information about what happened is frustrating, to say the least. His dad has no clue.
His dad forgets to eat and take his medication unless BF is there. Even though BF leaves him a note on dry erase board in huge letters about what he needs to do and when to do it. He still doesn't do it.
His dad has to cath himself twice a day bacause he has prostatitis. He will cath, but doesn't use the anti-bacteria soap he is supposed to use to clean the catheter. He just rinses it out with water. This results in him getting reccurent UTI's.
He can't bathe himself, brush his teeth/partial, comb his hair, shave.
One thing he can still do is walk fairly well. He's very slow, but he can do it. One of the things he's determined about is not using a cane, or anything else to walk. He would rather stay home than go with us and have to be pushed in a wheel chair due to the fact that he is so slow and tires too quickly, which results in us having to always leave an event, prematurely. He knows riding in the wheelchair is a condition of him going with us to events that involve a lot of walking. But, as much as he'd like to go, he will stay home, because he won't agree to the wheel chair. And then he complains because we left him home.....
Sorry, just venting a little, here...
Please understand, I tend to be blunt. Comments above regarding the daughter witnessing all of this is important also.
Besides... if this fellow wanted to marry they would have already done so. He may be just buying time and not want to deal with a new life, new wife, new daughter and be responsible for the caregiving of his dad. It may be just too overwhelming to handle.
Wait and see. Dad may live a lot more years and every penny will be necessary to care for him.
Relationship issues aside, be mindful of possible asset transfer consequences with respect to qualifying for Medicaid if it is required in the future.
In general, an agent operating under a Power of Attorney must be acting in a "fiduciary capacity" for the principal. In other words, acting in the best interest of the person who granted the power. If the document permits the activity you are proposing there should be not problem.
With respect to potential Medicaid benefits, simply using father's money to build a new property that is not titled to him could be an issue as it would be considered an uncompensated transfer and therefore create a penalty period before Medicaid benefits will be available.
The uncompensated transfer issue may be solved by father purchasing what is known as a "life estate" in the new property giving him the right to live there for the rest of his life. He must then live in the property for at least one year for the transfer not to be considered subject to penalty.
Rules vary by state. An appointment with an elder law attorney would be beneficial.