I care for an 88 year old woman with dementia. She can barely see, can't hear. 2 of her sons spend time with her on weekends. One of her older sons considers me a business situation. If I'm in a room when he is, he'll either ignore me or get up and leave. He has no regard for my time, schedule, or respect for me. I feel I'm doing what her own children can't /won't do; instead of trying to help me have I was assured I'd have decompress, get with friends. Not clean up poo, vomit, soiled depends hung in a closet. A few weeks ago one of her sons took clothes and coats from her closets, one coat he removed from a hall closet was mine; when I asked him about it he said "...oh don't you remember, we talked about it". I was floored!!
Jerry took his mom this weekend, his church was the standard 2 hour block, they don't think it thru when they lie to me. These are only a few issues I'm struggling with. Caring for her is taxing, her family watches me with a camera in the living room, I started unplugging it when she was in bed or gone. I don't have anything to hide, I also never agreed to let them suck my soul dry or asleep. A few weeks ago he told me to pack my things and get out after I became upset when he TOLD me he'd be an hour late, he never asked. He assumes I will drop what I'm doing to be at his beck and call? I was upset he was messing up my mothers day plans, I advised if this and that I'd be charging him for my time. I began doing this a while because I'd get texts while visiting my boys stating "I'm dropping my mom off".
Jerry was livid and came back with a vengeance. "Pack your things and get out, I'm done with you!" He is unapproachable, mean, and boorish, a bully. I've caught both brothers in so many lies, stupid lies...like changing a battery in a smoke detector?? They won't communicate, instead, use passive aggressive phrases, chuckle...and look away! I'm almost 60, I don't know how to deal with this. They'll lie to my face, do what they want until I breakdown entirely. Jerry now sets up visits with his mom thru his brother. I've started speaking a foreign language just to ensure privacy during phone calls. This man is 55 years old, his immaturity would stymie Steven Hawking! !! I don't want to just up and leave, it would be hard for his mom, and also for me. I truly do care about her, when I pointed out to him change is difficult for his mom, he responded, "Not my problem". I'm at my wits end, feel like I'm going to completely breakdown. I have little to no interaction with people during week unless I see a doctor. To do so requires me to contact the brother and arrange for him to come over and sit with his mom. Essentially I'm a prisoner. What can I do?
Honestly, that's a good thing, because if you were family, you couldn't walk away. I know you care for the mom like a family member, but they don't see your relationship that way, so the only thing you can do is leave.
I would quit. Sounds like Mom needs a NH anyway. If u feel she won't be cared for, u can always ask for APS to do a well check a week after u quit.
You say that you care for this woman but then say that when she gets mad at you she pulls plugs from the wall. Yes, she has dementia but this is not the job you signed up for. And you also say that her sons are as abusive to you as she is and they don't have dementia so what's their excuse for treating you so poorly?
Again, find a new job. Learn from all the mistakes you made with this family - contract? schedule? payment for food? - and find a nicer family to work for. You're almost 60. How much longer do you want to go on like this?
You do not need to tell him (the PoA) your plan to quit. You will need to get time off so you can job hunt and apartment hunt. You can build a case for labor abuses. This would be your leverage with him, the PoA. As you slowly get your ducks in a row and save up your money, you don't tell them you're quitting until you have things in place because you will need to move out. You can give them 1 week's notice. I wouldn't give them more than that.
So for the time being I'd get every agreement in writing, meaning email or text. If he agrees on anything with you verbally then you confirm it in writing. If he says you get weekends off, then you email or text him saying "I'm just confirming from our conversation yesterday that you agree to give me the weekends off starting May __, 2021. If this is not correct, please respond to this email." Don't let him get away with not getting it in writing.
Your most immediate act should be to move out so you have some distance and he can't take advantage of your presence. Even if you can "couch surf" at a relative's or friends' place for a while, or contact a church or women's shelter for help. I know this probably seems overwhelming but once you get back control of your life, it will be totally worth it.
In the future never go into a caregiving arrangement like this again. You must have a written employment contract. Don't live in the house as this always leads to "mission creep" where you work more hours than paid and you lose your boundaries. Do not take cash, only checks. If someone is employing you they are responsible for contributing to your social security so that you are not robbed of your future benefit. I wish you much courage and wisdom and peace in your heart as you make yourself a priority.