Should we care for our elderly parents just because they cared for us?

I'm fairly new into care taking and it has been very frustrating dealing with a Mother who was diagnosed with dementia. She seems to think something is wrong with me when I have my outburst and try to say "We were never that way too you" my responds is simply this "That because you planned for a child, you wanted one by your choice. I have been placed in a position that I was not ready for and deal a whole lot of obligation, not by choice. I am not complaining, but there is a difference." I stand by this statement and I will be here for my Mother, but I will not allow her circumstance to come between my own life and health. I will get support that is needed and will not feel bad about it. We must keep in mind that these are sickness that we are dealing with, we are not specialist so there is no way that we can think we can know how to deal with these circumstances. This is the realistic facts. We must keep this in mind.

Oh spruneda that is sad, your mother saying "we were never that way…" No, I'm sure she wasn't, but you were a child, you weren't a demented adult aged six! And dementia IS so frustrating, and nobody's had any practice, and you're right, all you can do is do your best without the benefit of planning or training. So all things considered you're doing pretty damned well still to be there! Big hug.

I think that parent who thinks their children owe them any kind of payback, should go back in time and get themselves neutered.

With that said, I cared for my mom, with hospice's assistance, until she passed, and if/when my Dad needs it, I'll be there. Because I want to. We were a normally dysfunctional family (still are), but my heart says, "do it," even though my father very clearly says, "I know what it means, my mother had Alzheimer's and I don't want my kids to have to deal with it ... just put me in a home." Maybe part of the reason I'd be willing to take care of him is that he SAID that. I dunno. It's just part of who and what I am. Entitlement, in any form, just sets my jaw on edge and the hackles rising on my neck.

As far as I'm concerned no one, and I really mean NO one, 'deserves' to be loved, cared for or cherished. We give it away, by choice.

I had a happy childhood and as a child I thought I had best mom and dad in the world. Did not think so much so when I was 12-13. I lost my father at 14. I wish there was not a need for someone to help and it is not an easy time. I have had a chronic illness since I was a teenager and my mother helped me a lot. I feel bad for her because she gave help to so many people and now her friends are dying or don't drive. I want to be here for her and I want her to be happy.

I spent all of my life feeling that my mother didn't love me. It's an awful feeling growning up constantly trying to gain her love.
When my mother turned 91 she was dumped on me by my sibblings ( her favorites) and I was charged with the task of taking care of her. It was very hard taking care of some one not knowing for sure if she appreciated me taking her in after everyone else had abandoned her. After one year of living with me the truth came out. She told me tthat it was a waste of her time giving birth to me and she would never forgive me for an illiness I had as a child that pervented her from living her life.
I was in tears every day, and she showed no emotion towards my hurt. I was so depressed that I could hardly function. It was then that I had to choose, It was her or me. Two weeks ago I moved her into an assisted living facility and I am now trying to put her and her feelings toward me behind.
You would think that this story would come from a much younger person than myself.. one dealing with mommy issues. But I am 63 years old and I finally addressed something that has kept me in her clutches of trying to please her.
So to answer the question.. Should we as adults take care of our parents in their late years? As for me.... Well you tell me.

Sometimes I think that the individual who has a lot of empathy, sympathy, and yes, pity, takes on the responsibility of caring for parents out of compulsion. They simply cannot walk away from a person in need, no matter what their relationship with that person may have been in the past.
This person would be me, and I am wondering if there are others out there like me.
After 6 years of caring for both my parents, I finally hired professional caregivers to help. But there is still a lot of work to be done, because caregivers need information, approval and feedback.
I've never thought of what I'm doing as re-paying my parents for raising me. But I'm not sure what well I drew this bucket from - it has a hole in it that I keep trying to fill.
Hm.

My mother has a mental illness that tore my family apart. She destroyed my father, separated us siblings because of her jealously. While I understand her mental illness, I will not allow her abuse to interfere with my marriage and family. Yes, a mental illness is not mom's fault...however, her negativity, verbal abuse to me and about my husband and his family...or about my siblings...how useless my father was, etc...boundaries must be drawn regardless if she gave birth to me. She did not pay for the thousands of $$ I spent on therapy to get healthy. She was not there for me when I was growing up...I will see that she is well taken care of while I advocate, visit, and spend time with her but as soon as her ugliness pops up, I will leave.

I think it matters how we define "care for" our parents. I had Mom living with us for over 2 years thinking that was the only way I could care for her. It finally became too much. Now she is in AL and I still help and care and oversee things. But I am not there with her 24/7. I do not spend what I cannot afford so she can have trinkets and eat out.

We have to strengthen our boundaries when it comes to caring for people.

I think it's an honor taking care of my parents. My mother died 4 years ago with cancer. Three months later my Dad was found with cancar also. He had radio and quimotherapy and has been two years by now free of his oropharinge cancer, thanks to God for that. He has skin cancer now, alzheimer and other things. My family and me moved to his house to take care of him. He loved to study the Bible, he was a teacher at church. Now he doesn't remember anything. He doesn't remember me, but he is still my father. He deserves my honor. I love him so much!!

Mary .. to be clear about my personal position: I can't imagine NOT caring for my parents, because that's the kind of person I am .. it's also how I was raised, to be kind and loving and giving. What I consider unconscionable is the idea that a parent lives with the expectation that their child(ren) *owe* THEM service at the ends of their lives.

Aside from this argument, it's also clear from so many's stories, here, that being a caregiver of our elders isn't an easy task .. especially when a parent hasn't provided for their own future. And to expect the child to not only provide the physical service of care giving, but (at worst) give up personal lives, careers and then pay for the day to day expenses .. is just craziness in action.

LadeeC, your stand on it is my stand, too.

My mom hounded me to move in with her, saying she wasn't able to do as much, slowing down, etc. I resisted for a year, finally caved and moved back here, feeling dread, resentment and moral obligation at the same time. I'm an only child. There was nobody else for my mom to count on. I didn't realize that my resentment at the time was just the tip of the iceberg compared to what was to come.

About a month after I got in here my mom told me that she was broke and could no longer pay the taxes on her 3 large properties. This house, another house, and land with a horse stable on it. I was floored and in shock. The demands for money had begun, and the fact that part of the reason I agreed to come here was our verbal agreement that I wouldn't HAVE to pay expenses be damned. I felt conned, betrayed, resentful and stupid as hell to have trusted my narcissistic mom. More fool me. I took care of this house, inside and out and all it entailed. The washing, cooking, shopping, cleaning and yard work. I also worked full time and handed over almost every dime I made on demand. What I'd have to listen to had I not given my mom that money wasn't bearable. My mom was a pit bull with endless energy to rage and raise hell, her personal element that she loved to STAY in and I was already under enough pressure as it was. I didn't think I could handle any more bitching and screeching than she was already doing.

I used to have friends, a life and good job I enjoyed going to, a little house with a little yard and my dog. My mom said Cody could come with me...until I got here. Then I was forced to get rid of him. I made sure he went to a good family. I started hating life, hating work. I wasn't doing a single thing for myself, everything was being done for my mother. I detested having to bust my ass at work, whereas before I loved busting my ass at work because I worked for MYSELF and got to keep the money I earned, got to spend it on the little pleasures I enjoyed, my fish tanks, gardening, books, etc...not anymore. One by one by one, my mom eradicated every single enjoyable thing out of my world, starting with my dog. Then the tanks. Then the flowers. Then the books. Every nickel I spent on myself was cause for bitching and complaining. God, how I hated life, dreaded life. How the hell, looking back now, I survived that mess with my sanity in tact I'll never know.

And it just wasn't enough. Nothing was ever enough. I didn't give enough money, so my mom insisted that she was 'owed' my taxes each year, too....for having to 'support' me. **headdesk** She never got off that either, telling everyone and their brother what a loser I was and how SHE supported ME. **hisssss** My anger, resentment, frustration and misery knew no bounds. I was so depressed that death seemed preferable to having to deal with my mom and the endless, never ending demands another minute.

I hated going to work, like I said. I mean, for what? Almost every dime went to my mother. I hated living. I cursed God so many times for that situation. Glad he's forgiving. lol

This house isn't small. It had to be immaculate, like a show room, at all times. She'd call me from the other side of the house to point out some small flaw and demand I fix it. If I cleaned the house for days, she bitched the yard was a mess. If I spent a few days in the yard, she bitched the house was 'filthy'. I could. not. win. The money was never enough. The cleaning was never enough. The yard was never done to her satisfaction. I felt I had beast standing over me literally cracking a whip from dawn to dusk.

THANK GOD IT'S OVER. That part, I'm glad, so damn glad, is over now. I'd like to think my mom is at peace now. I'd like to think she's with my dad, chillin'. But if she did go to hell, bet in her personal hell there's a beast with a whip waiting and it's going to crack that mother over her for all eternity and she'll rest about as much as she allowed me.

It's going to take a long time to recover from my mom and the whole care giving ordeal. I'm physically and mentally worn the hell out. Never again in this life, not for anyone, not for anything.

Game over and thank God for it.

I still broil just thinking about that crap... **shudder**

SA, I hope it's okay to ask but when you first moved in and were working full-time and realized that your mother had gone back on everything she agreed to what kept you from packing up and leaving her to be on her own again right then? I ask because I struggle myself with why I don't protect myself when I need to with my own mother. The answers aren't so easy to find. As my mother will need more and more from me as time goes on I worry about how this will go if I can't solve this riddle.

Moral obligation. It's that simple, Starry. I knew she was declining and would simply continue to get worse. I wish I could have walked away without a backward glance, but when guilt and obligations and emotions are involved, it gets complicated. Honestly, I didn't know what to do. I flipped flopped back and forth constantly, wanting to get the hell out to save my sanity, yet knowing that she really couldn't handle her house, yard, rental properties, etc, etc, etc, anymore. Dealing with all of that, and a full time job at the time left me frazzled and before I knew it time had passed and she just kept getting physically weaker. I did ask her to consider assisted living or someone else to come into the house but she refused to even talk about it. Again, you find yourself between a rock and a hard place. Being an only child in this kind of thing is tough. Not that people with sibs have it any better. Some people around here might as well be only children for all the help they get from their sibs. It's just a hard call, a hard, confusing, complicated thing to deal with. Had she agreed to some kind of alternate form of care I WOULD have left, but I couldn't force her to do anything. She was still sound at the time mentally. Then, 2-3 years later she dropped the alz bomb and I knew I was doomed. :/ I couldn't leave then even had I wanted to knowing what was coming.. Well, all we can do is our best. I try not to think about all that stuff too much anymore if I can help it, but sometimes I remember and get pissed off all over again. lol Ah well, time will heal all this...I hope...

And honestly, I really don't know EXACTLY why I didn't say screw you and leave, all things considered... :/ I probably would have... But then thoughts of my mom falling again and being alone, or getting sick and being alone, God knows, all kinds of crap goes through your mind...

Starry .. if you want to avoid some of the pitfalls that SA fell into, if you can get POA for health and finances, do it now. Otherwise, as soon as you possibly can, get guardianship .. she'll have to be deemed legally incompetent, but it'll save you the heartache and pain that comes from being legally incapable of making decisions on her behalf. At some point (and it'll be sooner than you think), you're going to want to be able to make decisions and have the means to follow through on them.

Neither of the options comes without some *serious* accountability and a lot of work, but it's way worse without .. huh, SA?

You got that right, LadeeC. It's a lot worse without the POA for sure. A LOT worse.

Thanks SA, it sounds like you went through a really rough time of it. Your mother probably was in no condition to appreciate it but you sacrificed so much for her well-being. She was very blessed indeed. Hmmm, moral obligation. That may be it for me too. I'm earlier in the journey, but I've already had well-meaning people including therapists tell me to just leave my mother to official agencies because my stress skyrockets when I deal with her aging issues. Still it is very hard to turn away when someone you love has real needs so I can sure see how you ended up stuck. I hope you are recovering now and getting some peace and rest.

LadeeC, I have a springing DPOA which requires two separate doctors to declare incompetence. I'm sure it may be useful one day but right now it feels pretty useless to me. I can't do anything and I certainly can't tell my mother what to do as she automatically resists that like it's a communist takeover. And she showtimes like a pro.

Starry .. if your mom is legally competent, then she IS making the calls. Sometimes the best thing to do is LISTEN to what she's saying: sometimes it's a call for help, at others, what we're refusing to hear is what they really want. So, it's your job to set the boundaries, and set them NOW. "Mom, you've asked for my help and I'm here. And, see? Here's the thing: you raised me to be independent, use my own intelligence and have self-worth, and .. NO .. I'm not going to continue to do (____ fill in the blank _____). I have no obligation to be here, and if you continue to (____ fill in the blank _____), I'll leave and let you do it/figure it out on your own." She may be your mother, but she's NOT your reason for living, even if she gave you life .. that was HER choice .. which is the very point of this thread.

I know we (at least I know ~I~have) a tendency to avoid conflict, to make life easier rather than harder. And, sometimes, being firm about our limits and boundaries. Our parents aren't demi-gods, despite any showtiming to the contrary.

On a slight skew from the topic .. One of the things that really annoys me about families is that they'll often treat us worse than their worst enemies and still expect us to cow tow. Pfft. It's my personal stance that I love because I choose to, not because I'm obligated. Treat me with dignity. Treat me like a loved one and do NOT take me for granted, or I'm outta there. It's taken me over 50 years to get to this point, and I'll be d*mned if someone who claims to love me treats me like dirt.

Rant over.

meh .. where's that EDIT button ..

"And sometimes, being firm about our limits and boundaries looks and feels like inviting conflict. On the contrary, it's a short term PITA to solve a long term problem. ....."

SA,as I was reading from the beginning, I was biting at the bit to post my thoughts, after I read yours there is no need to. I am shocked at how are 'caregiver ordeal' and all the same feelings are so alike,except I still have mine.I don't dare let her know I find enjoyment in anything as she will surly 's*** in my cherios'. I am especially resentful at the fact she climbed into that bed against her doc. orders and has this sense of entitlement for me to serve her hand and foot.

Visited my mother this afternoon and she immediately started on about buying a little house and hiring a housekeeper "so I can get out of here" (NH). It's impossible as she can no longer sit up or stand. I said we'll talk about it when you can walk properly (she'll never walk again) - that's like talking about next Christmas and it's only March. She carried on so I said I'm leaving but she begged me not to go so I sat down again and we had a really nice visit.

Thank goodness I changed my phone number or I'd still be getting the awful whining, picking fights phone call every day.

Oh and I'm still the bad guy for putting her in a NH and selling her house. Seems like threatening to walk way is the only answer with her.

I had my children because I wanted to be a mother. I enjoyed their childhood, endured their teen years. I have enjoyed having them in my life through all their adult lives now they are becoming senior citizens themselves. They owe me nothing but I do appreciate the fact both of them love me.

Mollie you were obviously a very good mother. For many of us here it was just the opposite - a lifetime of mental, emotional and sometimes physical abuse.

It must be very hard to be a devoted child when you were treated so bad growing up. There are adult children, I know, who are terrible to their parents in spite of being loved.

How cow!!! I'm aghast at some of the posts here. Some say parents are supposed to take care of their children, but don't dare ask the children care for a parent when they become ill and can no longer care for themselves. And those who are upset that Mommy and Daddy saved all their money for their own future and won't leave a penny to Johnny and Susie. That's just a tad hypocritical, don't you think.

I think, as long as there isn't a disabled child who will need taking care of for all his/her lifetime, ALL parents should spend every cent on themselves after the kids start their own lives. Don't leave one red cent.

And as for taking care of your parents during their declining years due to illness, I only hope you don't find yourselves in the same position. The saddest and loneliest reality is knowing there is no family who care about you.

Certainly not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. And that's ok. But place someone into a NH out of love, not resentment.

Yes, we should care for our parents by giving them the best possible care.... which means hiring the best caregivers that one's parents can afford because the caregivers are *trained and experienced*.

The caregiver works an 8 hour shift thus isn't burnt out by the end of the week. The caregiver, if under the weather, the agency sends a replacement. The caregiver gets vacation time and time off for their own doctor appointments, etc. And if the caregiver isn't the right match, and new person is sent out.

My parents still live independently but no longer drive.... thus, I am their driver. Many a time I would complain to others about all this driving and some would say to me to remember that my parents had driven me when I was a child, etc..... ok, that make sense BUT my parents were in their 20's and 30's, not in their late 60's when I was a child... that's a huge difference. I am the older person in the left hand lane with the left blinker light going.

But professional caregivers so suffer from burn out. They might work 8 hrs per day, but look after a whole ward of people, which is why we often hear of NH neglect or patients being restrained or drugged.

I care for a mom with Alzheimer's and a brother who is disabled. I do it alone. I'm 63 and willing to do it. Mom has become worse and I'm in the process of searching for some outside help. The day will come when I can no longer care for her. Until then, I want to care for her an my brother. But, that's me and don't expect everyone to feel or do the same.

However, that wasn't my point. I was shocked at how so many think it's not their responsibility to look after elderly parents when those parents no longer can care for themselves. And there are some who not only think that, but expect to get something from their parents after those parents die. Somehow it's the job of the parent to not only raise and care for children as they grow, but still care for them after the parents have died. Then in the same breath state looking after parents in their declining years is not a child's responsibility.

When I read beliefs like that (and I've personally known a couple of people who feel that way), I think we ought to be like the animal world. Take care of the child until they become a juvenile, then kick them out. Let them figure out how to survive and never come back. But, I think we're of a higher order than that.

DonnaCecilia, professional caregivers who suffer from burnout have often been treated extremely badly by their employers - be it profit-driven companies and agencies or private families who are trying to buy care on the cheap and then have the gall to despise the person they hire.

Consider this: work that has traditionally been part of an extended family dynamic, such as cleaning, childcare, catering and nowadays increasingly elder care, is half expected to be done for love, and half expected to be done for money. We - we as in society - demand that people are motivated by a vocation, pay them very badly, belittle their aspirations and are then surprised and aggrieved that they don't love their underpaid, overworked, spat-upon position. We - again, we as in society - need to sort out our attitude and expectations. But I'm not holding my breath on that one.

How a nursing home or other facility treats its staff is, by the way, one of the most important points you can look at when and if you come to choose a place for your elder. If the staff are treated with respect - offered secure employment, professional training, better than minimum wage and emotional support, for example - they are more likely to mirror that attitude when it comes to the people they care for. What goes around…

I do understand how you feel shocked by some attitudes one reads about. They describe a very sad situation. But I think something you're perhaps overlooking is why, sometimes, children might feel as they do.

Oscar Wilde (by the way, although he was gay, he was also a loving husband and a father of two sons - don't believe everything you read!) said: "Children begin by loving their parents. After a time, they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them."

Well, he was being light-hearted. But the more you read on this forum, the more you begin to realise that there are most certainly some parents who don't deserve to be forgiven. And if those are the same ones whose children have "shocking" attitudes it does begin to seem more like they've reaped what they sowed, doesn't it?

DonnaCecilia are you in the UK? A lot of people here are in the USA and I'm in Canada. You also mention a "ward" and I understand that's how it is in the UK. My mother is in a lovely NH with private room and bath and fantastic caring staff. I guess what help or care you can find depends on where you are.