How do I keep my job and apartment when I'm exhausted from caregiver situation??

I know it's hard I'm a RN and do 12 hour shifts . Mom goes to senior daycare while I'm at work then I have a care giver let her in until I get home . I do it all alone it's exhausting but I do it ...

This is 2015, the question posted was from 2013. Someone asked for the easy answer. Here it is:
Have you not heard and understood that you cannot be all things to all people ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ????

Take a deep breath, know you are appreciated even when your parents dont say you are and enjoy as much as you can of it. I also have heard that God has a special place in heaven for caregivers.

My heart goes out to all of you. I have just finished my four year stent. I lost my father 11/20/13, My daughter who helped me with my father on 11/20/14 and my mother last month. The stories I read are exactly what I have been through. It is a hard hard job. One I was honored to do. I gave up alot but I gained even more. The struggles do not end, they only become different. I was looking forward to rest and relaxation and the time to honor those I lost. Energy,Time and money are the quickest things to disappear. That is of course after the siblings. I was one out of four adopted children. My parents loved us all and would have taken care of any of us and for as long as necessary. My parents asked me for help and I was happy to do so. It was not like I really had a choice as my siblings were not even around enough to know they required help. when they did visit, the topic was always about their money. I allowed my parents to be who they were. We were not only parents and child, We were friends. I actually enjoyed my parents. Now that I have as gracefully and not without errors done everything I could in the best way possible for them. They both wanted to die at home and they did. The personal rewards I got for this is amazing. This was my choice. I quit my job and I asked for nothing from my siblings. I found help when needed and I kept as sane as possible. I did not expect them to help or even thank me. What I experienced from them was no where near this. My son had moved in to help me. One brother is homeless and on drugs, one sister has not spoke to my parents for 20 years and my older brother who is moral and just and is never wrong. Although none of them get along. I have always gotten along with all of them. I never judged them, they were my family. My parents put me as a joint owner on a bank account and told me and everyone they knew they wanted me to have the house and everything in it. All was fine until less than a month before my mother passes. She asked my brother to make sure I got the house and the belongings. He had been executor of our trust account for 40 plus years. His family was here and so were three other people. I was not. He asked her what?, His wife asked why? and my mother repeated it louder. I was told purposely so everyone in the house could hear. My brother now denies it happened and says if it had, she did not mean it. He has accused me of using drugs, abusing my parents, neglect and last but not least, stealing their money with illusions of self entitlement. He sent my sister this information and they both have decided to come out of the woodwork to ensure I do not take their fair share. I did not ask my mom to do this. I would have left it all alone. Now I am so shocked and so hurt that It has affected me for ever. This is much harder mentally and physically than anything I have done for my parents. I find it absolutely amazing that these people that had nothing to do with them are now out of the woodwork and pointing fingers. He has resigned as executor and I am next in line. They have written me 10 day notices and I am to leave the house or pay rent. I now spend my time scared of them and researching law instead of time honoring my child and my parents. I am angry, mad, disappointed, scared, alone and missing my everyone more than ever. Four years and at anytime he could have asked my parents what they wanted and or resigned. They could have asked me what my intentions were. But to TELL me what I am to do and TELL me that everything I did for my parents was wrong. To threaten me and kick my son and I out knowing I quit my job 4 years ago to do this.

Hello, thank you all so much for your time and your answers. I appreciate it so much. I was crying and praying in the car the other night and then I saw all these answers...and this site has been a lifesaver. Lizann - some really good points, thank you! Eddie, great suggestions, awesome:) TDH yes this was recommended to me recently and I think this could be a good resource. I have already contacted Area Agency on Aging (he dismissed several of those LOL) and they gave him temporary care for awhile. I do have an attorney but can't really afford it at the moment...also have talked to many of his doctors but not the new PCP because he just changed. There are what like 6 doctors to keep track of now? Taking one day at a time helps!

Here's my short version: The situation with my grandmother involved Adult Protective Services. I called them for assistance and they immediately confirmed that my grandmother, who was 93, was self neglecting herself (not taking meds, eating poorly, at high risk for falling, living in a non-sanitary home, DRIVING). It came down to ADS telling her it was unsafe on many levels for her to stay in her home and she could come live with me or they would take the legal steps to remove her from her home. That also meant her assets would be made available to keep her in a nursing home. If nothing else, my grandmother understands when she's going to lose money! She chose the lesser of the two evils and came to live with me. APS continued to monitor my grandmother in my home for several months and kept in touch with me with support. They truly are wonderful.

Maybe Adult Protective Service can help you with this process in the same way?

I would find out what services can help you care for your parent. However, as a society we don't have enough services available for middle class elderly. We have programs for the poor ( not good ones but programs). However, use your parents' funds to help him/her stay at home as long as possible. If you exhaust his money, then you may have to "qualify" for a medicaid nursing home. Most times this is inferior to living at home with home health aide and family support --but unfortunately that is all we do in this country.

Sad to say but we as a nation don't value the elderly or their family caregivers.
We talk the talk but we don't walk the walk. The need for nursing home placements represent a failure of our society. We need alternatives so the elderly can "age in place" (in their homes where they want to be). Isolation in a nursing home with ever changing staff turn over--not the best.

Hang in there but you are walking a very difficult road. I walked it and made it work--but it is very difficult.

Elizabeth

Wow...There are so many of us with these issues and questions. What I don't see here are ANY easy answers! I too have been caring for my father for eight years and deal with constant exhaustion from juggling my work and family and his care. Both my husband and I are having health problems and wonder if he will outlive us! We are considering placement in an AFH but we know it will destroy him! So right now we are sacrificing our lives for a 93 year old with Alzheimer's who has not wanted to live since he lost my Mother 9 years ago! At what point do we choose our own life over his wishes?

I think you are making things more difficult than you have to. You have POA, use it. Send him to day care, have somebody come in for him to prepare his meals if necessary. You did not mention if you had medical power of attorney but if you do you could probably admit him to a nursing home at least for a short time.
There are a lot of resources out there you are not using. Take advantage of them.

Adult female child here also - the oldest of the 3 of us. Sister & brother are not involved in Mom's care (can't even be bothered to call her more than once or twice a year), but they sure like to make suggestions of what I "should do" as if they were. Needless to say their "advice" goes in one ear & straight out the other.

It was me, my husband, my brother and my sister. 2 women and 2 men. I do understand that my husband is one of the special men out there, it is my father, not his.

For me me- female... brother and sister not involved.

For me, It's my husband taking care of his mother...his sister hasn't even bothered to ask let alone help. Take care and God Bless...;)

for me - a woman...my brother won't do a thing!

I am grateful for all of your responses. I work in health care as a nurse practitioner which makes it that much more upsetting to me that they do not understand.
I am sorry there are so many of us in the same boat. Your responses have touched me, however, and I am grateful to know there are others out there doing the most with the least for the ones they love.
I would like to write a letter to the white house reminding them we are here. It may do nothing, but maybe Congress will look at FMLA and see it differently for adult children working and taking care of their parents and children while trying to keep a job and sanity.
God bless you all. And thank you again. Please take care of yourselves and know that your caring responses have helped me greatly.
I am curious. What percentage of people who write on this subject are female adult children as opposed to male adult children who are primary care givers?
efinnegan

I just want to tell you all that this is a great thread for all to read, very helpful clear advice and gives me hope. Thank you all so much for that!!

Efinnegan, I can almost identify with you, we're the same age and looks like about the same responsibilities, except my mother can be left alone still for hours in her home and is not bedridden. I keep a very close eye on her. But my coworkers and I will soon be let go from our job and regretfully must get into something else. I just started NA training and now have hope again that I can secure another job that will pay so that I can hang on to my house if at all possible, since I am bound and determined not to lose what I've worked so darn hard for without a fight. Worse come to worst, I could put my house on the market (and hope it sells should that happen), then move in with her, but I foresee possible problems down the road with the sibs over that one. Mom does have money should I need to hire somebody to watch her so I can get through these classes and secure another job when I'm let go from this one. And I thank God she doesn't fight me over every issue that comes up like she used to and seems to understand I need to do this for her sake and mine. I'm thankful my brother and sister-in-law are good people, helps to know for future reference, but my sister and her crew are another story. I wish you the best and hope you can get some real help of your own so you can get some rest. Sorry you employer doesn't understand. Seems like you could have some insight working where and how you do - any coworkers, social workers somebody there knows, anybody you can talk to with any advice??

Regarding taking time off to care for the elderly, those of us who work in an organized workplace (ie have a union) need to ask for a certain number of family sick leave days. While most of the world thinks of this leave for parents taking care of minor children, it is very needed for adult children taking parents to doctor appts, and medical tests. Even when the parent is able to live on their own they need to see specialists who have restricted hours. You can't get late afternoon appts for them because many specialists stop taking appts at 1:30 pm. Also blood work often requires an early morning appt due to the patient's need to fast. Sometimes you can do this on a Saturday morning but often the doctors want a reading soon so you need to do the blood work on a Mon-Friday morning. Limited mobility requires that they not go to such appts alone.

Taking care of parents by using aquired time balances should not reflect negatively on the adult child who works. We do have a family leave program nationally but these are usually needed for the end of life of an elder parent or a big medical set back. Personally I used my contractional family sick days for appts when the elder could still travel to the doctors or medical test facilities.

I know many adult child caregivers who use all their personal days and vacation time to care for their parents. It helps to have supervisors who have a heart or have been caregivers in the past. People unfamiliar with the need for such time tend not to be very understanding. They have not lived life yet and
some never face it as a sibling of theirs carries the load.

Sorry your use of time reflected poorly on you at the job site---it should not.

Elizabeth

efinnegan, I know how that feels. I worked for a hospital in ICU nearly 10 years. while they offered sick pay, they would give an "unsuccessful" evaluation if employees used more than 5 days for personal or family sick days taken (that's right... punish the caregivers). I am grateful for the hospital experience. I think it has prepared me for caring for my aging folks. However, after moving in to care for them full-time, I could not continue to work long hours. The opportunity for change presented itself when I had surgery and ended up on disability myself. At this time I realized that the stress of caring for my folks and caring for critically ill patients was killing me. My disability lasted 3 months, so I resigned my position (I now lived over an hour away from work, and my folks needed full-time care). I felt HUGE relief. Unemployment said they would not support a claim because I left my job 'for no good reason.' I was told that my folk's insurance would not cover any care I provide them... so now I'm stressed again. The fact is, I still have to live. I need to pay for car insurance, gas, medical expenses, bills, etc. I just picked up a merchandising job where I can sent my own hours. I'm told it will be about 15 hours a week. Probably not enough, but its something. I will worry about my loved ones while I'm at work anyway, but I also have flexibility like never before. I wish there was more financial help available to those of us who are caregivers. Too bad health reform will never address these issues. I think leaving the hospital job was a case of choosing my battles. I do not regret the choice at all. Being adaptable is so important and I am pleased to do what I can for those I love. My heart goes out to all of you who do not have your loving care reciprocated, I have been blessed in that regard. Remember to fill yourselves with love and life as well as rest. You CANNOT care for difficult people when you are empty, it will kill you physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I read your situation and I feel for you. I would contact a lawyer and his primary doctor. Get a clear picture of his health (what can be done to eliminate and or reduce his emotional outbursts). He may be raging from medicines or not accepting his declining health and your are the person he feels "safe" raging at but it needs to be stopped. If you are his POA you have a right to assess his
finances, looking to see if he has enough money for paid care givers. He appears to need some level of help and supervision. If his eyesight is going, he may need to see an eye doctor. If he goes blind, he needs to learn how to live in his home safely.

I would get a reading on his health and finances and then take it from there. If he has an older sibling or pastor/priest etc perhaps you could talk out things with them present. He would probably curb his outbursts as he wouldn't want to misbehave with them present.

However, even with money, old and disabled needs help. He has to get his head around that fact. Hopefully he can accept the changes with old age. If he thinks he will skip along without needing help all the days of his life ---he will not.

Hang in there. I would not move in with him as long as he is abusive verbally.

Elizabeth

You are not crazy and you are not bad. You are exhausted. I think everyone here concurs.

Your father has dismissed you? Then take a break. Take the keys to his car and inform DMV that he is a danger on the road due to his vision. Now step away, go and take care of yourself.

When he is ready to admit he has a problem AND is ready to treat you WITH RESPECT. IF, yes if YOU are ready, then go back and set up your own terms. After all he is lucky if you come back at all. Whenever he treats you disrespectfully, walk away again.

Of course, it's only a suggestion. You need to find your own way. We here only suggest that you not let him beat you down any longer because either we have been there or are still there and do not wish the same for you. Ultimately you will choose your own path. I wish you the best.

I feel for what the others are saying here. In Ohio, what does it take to declare someone not competent for making financial decisions re caregiving? It seems like a disaster has to happen before the courts will step in? I have a similar situation in which my stepfather is in charge of my mother's care - she has dementia and I believe he is fading a bit too- more personality related in being more difficult to handle. He too is making bad decisions regarding my mother's care as well. I too gave up a nice job, etc -- and moved back to where they are prior to my mother being properly diagnosed (at the time I thought they were both near death's door given their heart issues-- not realizing the real problem on my mother's side was dementia).
I've had my real father who is also up in years helping me out financially but he's getting tired of it. I really don't have time to look for something better just trying to make ends meet. The sad part is that my mom was an excellent nurse and caregiver to other at home patients -- I feel she deserves the same-- her husband is being stingy with "their" money which he is now treating as "his"-- He finally realizes that he can no longer leave her alone when he runs errands and has allowed me to stay with her at such times and he will let her spend the night with me. But of course, he won't compensate me for any of it and I'm just earning min wage -- at 57 with no health insurance, etc... luckily I practice yoga everyday and that helps.
At any rate, I wish, just like dealing with teenagers-- there woul be a point where responsible children of seniors who are making bad decisions re caregiving-- can step in and take over for everyone's safety and well being-- if there are laws being thought of, etc... would like to know. This problem is going to get worse before it gets better and will ultimately affect the US overall GNP... Thanks

Let me tell you from my experience with my father, my self, my husband, and my siblings were all working full time just to take care of our father and his issues. I once told my father that he had four full time staff, and I remember he laughed. My father never realized how much work that we were all doing, and I am not just talking care-giving. He was living in 30 years of hoarding, and it took us 4 1/2 months to clean up, he had 12 rental properties, that had rents to collect, and maintenance issues, he had huge debt, legal issues, health issues, and even when we got all of the houses sold, and got all of the big issues taken care of, we got him through, strokes, Parkinson's under control, cancer removed, and much more, he still could make all of us feel guilty, and we kept his home clean, took shifts with the caregiving, shopping, doctor's appointments, financial, and found ways to keep his mind active, crossword puzzles, computer, etc. When we told him that we could not continue doing everything, our heath, relationships, and well being was tired and we were overwhelmed, he could not or would not see what we did, he would have days that he was just an ugly person, so we found an Assistant Living Facility, he refused, he wanted to stay in his home, why not, he was having everything done for him. So we decided to "step back" we told him that we would make sure there was food in the house, and we had him do some things for himself, we let him be by himself more, always having a cell phone for our help. He did this for one week, and told us that he needed help, we told him that we could not be there with him 24/7 anymore, he had to see it for himself, and we realized that we had to treat him like a child, almost, step back and let him see for himself. He moved into the Assistant Living Facility and he has been there for 5 months now, and he loves it, we now can visit him and have our own lives, so my point to you is: You have done what you can for your father, unless he see's for himself, until he realizes what you do for him, he will have no reason to change. Not in all cases, you do have to make YOU the first priority and not in all cases, you may have to step back and let your father come to you for help.

The timing of this is so great. I have been struggling with this same thing. I have a mother who for my entire life has been narsicisstic and mean- so much so that my brother could care less about her. I have the POA and the trustee. She had a stroke in Sept that left her aphasic and with short term memory loss. She had suffered a lot of health issues prior to the stoke and had a caretaker who was wonderful. I had to place her in assisted living (she is only78) and she is really mad at the world and me. She can't make decisions ( per 4 doctors) and I took over bills, care, trust and her 3 properties. I live 3 hours away and spend half my time at her house dealing with her appointments and such. My job as a realtor has basically gone away. She fired her caretaker who had been taking her to appointments along with the speech therapist and tried to fire the doctor as she wasn't telling her what she wanted to hear. My husband thankfully just retired and has been helping me with this. Both my lawyer and CPA told me to pay myself and my husband for what we are doing. This has helped with the resentment of my brother doing nothing and my lack of income. I was feeling guilty for a while but just recently got it set up as a payroll from the trust with taxes etc so it is all on the up and up. My guilt was I should just do this as it is my mother....but after her hitting us a few times - I got over it. There is a point of when this goes from responsibly as a "child" to a job that we need to be both compensated and protect ourselves phycologically from parental abuse. We have found that when my mother gets abusive we say we are leaving until she treats us properly. It helps. Hang in there and thank all of you for being here!

I can understand what you are going through. My mother recently had a TIA and has been on the decline since January when it happened. She barely communicates, she is refusing to take her medication on a daily basis. This morning was the worst when she tried to hit and kick me when I asked her to come to the table to eat breakfast. She told me to get out. I know in my heart it is the dementia talking but it really hurt because I have done all I can to make her safe and comfortable. I feel like I am being swallowed in her life and have lost my own. Many people do not understand or care what it is like for caregivers. This site helps a lot to know we are not alone in our battle. God bless all of you. When do we know when it is enough and allow others to step in. I don't have any help with this, my only sibling has told me that she does not want to help.

"Being a caregiver doesn't mean giving up YOUR life" , Luv this...you are as important as the person or persons you are taking care of, at all times! There are those who feel that they need to give up everything to take on this task! Well FYI....you don't!! How in the world can you take the responsability of caring for someone else if YOU won't take care of yourself? My Husband is doing this with my MIL and now guess what....He has pnuemonia in both lungs!!!!! He is waring himself and me into an early grave, if he keeps this up! I am hoping that the Dr. tells him he has to go to hospital, cuz thats what it's going to take to get him to take care of himself! But I am very vocal on his health because he has a sis, that I will call, so she can help her mother too, not just the son! This Sister won't lift a finger to do anything...she THINKS she is a premadonna!!! *&$%#@*!!! So You take care of yourself YOU do deserve to rest and re-coop your inner wellbeing. Godbless all who are doing this work, True Loved ones~~~~~

(First I want to say that whoever keeps changing the titles of these questions...please stop it!) DO NOT give up your job. It sounds like your Dad is in need of specialty care, and I suspect there's more going on than rheumatica. Listen to the attorney and the rest of your support team - they have experience in this area. Things will only get worse for you if you don't have a respite (job) to go to each day - to put yourself "in the line of fire" of his verbal abuse day in and day out, when you are already going nuts, is....well...nuts. ;) Just because he is your father is NO EXCUSE for his behavior, and you do not "owe him" anything as suggested above just because he helped bring you into this world. That's like saying it's okay for a child to endure physical abuse by the parents because they brought the child into the world & the child owes them for it...b.s. Do what you know you need to do - have him evaluated for dementia and go from there. You do NOT deserve to be treated like crap just because he is your father....period.

I do not know if anyone above has mentioned this but you always have the option of filing for guardianship of your Father. It has to go through the courts/you have to have a lawyer and requires the approval/recommendation of his dr.'s. We are in the process of doing this for my mother. (I am also only child and all she has left). She is angry about this but we have the backing of her Dr.'s and therapist. Best wishes and continue taking care of yourself. Sounds like he is experiencing some dementia and this is difficult to deal with for anyone, especially you!

Unless you fear being taken out of his will, your dad needs to be trained on humility and gratefulness. ... Whenever he's rude and nasty, walk out. Come back a couple of hours later. Or plug in your iPod and listen to Creed or Betty Blowtorch while doing a crossword. Let him rant and rave. If he acts up on the phone, hang up.

He probably believes that along with that wealth comes a license to treat people like s___t; particularly the ones he thinks are sucking up to him just for his $. There's no need for him to respect others who don't respect themselves enough to draw the line.

Take your life back.

You can not make your father do anything. My sister and I had to wait it out, with our Mother. Mother negatively affected one daughter's health and she almost did another's. It isn't easy, even from afar, but is necessary. He doesn't want your help.

I always joked with my Grandparents that I would duct tape them to the wall about a foot off the floor if they didn't let me do what I needed to do.
I wish that I could tell you 100% what to do, but no one really can. You just have to make a choice and be able to live with it. Do you stick around with your Dad and try to ignore the verbal abuse? Or do you walk away, making sure he has someone to take care of him?